Margee Needs A Miracle From God

[Margee]

I was not going to post this. I've thought about it all month. It's quite personal. I have really thought about this and decided that I wanted you guys to give me your opinion on this. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

 

Most of you know that I have been a hairdresser for many years now. 38 this year. I have worked in Beauty salons since I have been 14 years old, hired by my aunt to be the 'shampoo girl'. I graduated from cosmetology in 1974. I have been majorly burnt out from my job for the last 5 years.

 

With deconverting and all....I have been very tired. I decided 2 months ago to go see a councillor. I told her my life story...all of it and she gave me a 'diagnosis' within the hour and 1/2 we spent together. She was positive of the 'diagnosis' because the first 'sign' is complete loss of faith in god.....so she said.

 

Apparently, 'Vicarious Trauma' is when one has heard, second hand.....(mostly happens in helping professions) thousands of horror stories from other people. This would be my job. Not only do I have the stress of making you beautiful, I also have to listen all day to everyone's horror stories of their lives. It is very true when they say a hairdresser is like a bar-tender. Hairdressers are now added to this catagory of 'Vicarious Trauma'...the helping professions. I have done some research. When anyone works with people, 'one on one' for an extended period of time in an intimate setting....you are classified as being in the 'helping' professions.

 

I will not give you details of the horrendous stories I have heard over the years. If you are an 'empath' like me....you will take these stories and visualize them and they become part of you. The pictures stay in your brain. It comes very close to being a form of secondary PTSD.

 

Let's just say that for 38 years, I've heard about every accident, death, cancer, depression, mental disorders, financial diasters, break-ups in town. (with all the gory details) Everybody knows everybody, so if a murder happens...someone in my clientele knows of the person and I get all the details. Sick details that have made me very sick.

 

I never knew I had the right to ask people not to share this stuff with me. When you work in an intimate salon, one on one.....you get to hear everything, from clients' husbands who have been killed falling off cliff's, to horrible murders, children dying... even to hearing about people being cut in two in car accidents. I will give you a small sample...... Only a few weeks ago, I had a customer tell me about a young lad that stabbed his mothers hands to peices so she would be defenceless against him killing her. Nice. And I had heard MUCH worse than that. Much worse. I would never tell you because some of it is much too gory. This is when I made the appointment to see a councillor. I have seen so much suffering just through my clientele alone.

I grieve with all these people as I watch what they go through.

 

Anyway, I have some new things I have to try in my job, as a hairdresser to report to her next month.

I have to really take care of myself right now.

 

She tells me it would take a miracle from god himself to restore my faith and that most people who have heard about too much suffering, never get it back. Add to this, the many things I have been through in my own life and listening to the worldly news, and I am sunk, for ever thinking I could restore my faith. (which I often hoped would happen through a miracle of some kind)

 

I would love to write to the pastor's wife (my friend) and tell her about this dianosis and see what she has to say. It would be so interesting to hear how she would respond.

 

I feel that god should forgive me for my loss of faith and take me to heaven - I deserve it ...he's the one who made me so sucessful as a beautician, isn't he??

 

You guys know so much about me, I decided that I wanted to share this with you. I have 2 more years to go until I retire from this business. I am winding down now to part time.

 

Any thoughts? Any suggestions on how to tell my clientele that I can't listen to this anymore? I have been trying very hard to change the subject when it gets too depressing for me.

 

I hope I don't get embarrased by this post. Thanks guys.

[Thought2Much]

1. I think you need to find a counselor that won't be encouraging you to get your faith back, talking about "miracles," and talking as if your loss of faith is entirely because of your job and not because of, you know, logic and reality itself.
   
2. I can see how a diagnosis of vicarious trauma would be appropriate. I imagine that many, many counselors and psychologists suffer from it, too (Don't people in that field have super-high suicide rates compared to the rest of the population? Or is that just an urban legend? I'm afraid I can't be arsed to go look it up right now.)
   
3. Since I'm not what you would call a "people person," I don't have any advice on how to handle clients so they don't traumatize you further. My interpersonal skills are somewhat lacking, and I can inadvertently be either a "dick" or just "blunt," depending on one's perspective.
   
4. Also, you know that we all love you, here, right? Hugs to you. I hope you can find peace in your work.
   

[Spectrox]

I was not going to post this. I've thought about it all month. It's quite personal. I have really thought about this and decided that I wanted you guys to give me your opinion on this. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

 

Most of you know that I have been a hairdresser for many years now. 38 this year. I have worked in Beauty salons since I have been 14 years old, hired by my aunt to be the 'shampoo girl'. I graduated from cosmetology in 1974. I have been majorly burnt out from my job for the last 5 years.

 

With deconverting and all....I have been very tired. I decided 2 months ago to go see a councillor. I told her my life story...all of it and she gave me a 'diagnosis' within at the hour and 1/2 we spent together. She was positive of the 'diagnosis' because the first 'sign' is complete loss of faith in god.....so she said.

 

Apparently, 'Vigarious Trauma' is when one has heard, second hand.....(mostly happens in helping professions) thousands of horror stories from other people. This would be my job. Not only do I have the stress of making you beautiful, I also have to listen all day to everyone's horror stories of their lives. It is very true when they say a hairdresser is like a bar-tender. Hairdressers are now added to this catagory of 'Vigarious Trauma'...the helping professions. I have done some research. When anyone works with people, 'one on one' for an extended period of time in an intimate setting....you are classified as being in the 'helping' professions.

 

I will not give you details of the horrendous stories I have heard over the years. If you are an 'empath' like me....you will take these stories and visualize them and they become part of you. The pictures stay in your brain. It comes very close to being a form of secondary PTSD.

 

Let's just say that for 38 years, I've heard about every accident, death, cancer, depression, mental disorders, financial diasters, break-ups in town. (with all the gory details) Everybody knows everybody, so if a murder happens...someone in my clientele knows of the person and I get all the details. Sick details that have made me very sick.

 

I never knew I had the right to ask people not to share this stuff with me. When you work in an intimate salon, one on one.....you get to hear everything from clients' husbands who have been killed falling off cliff's, to horrible murders, children dying... even to hearing about people being cut in two in car accidents. I will give you a small sample. Only a few weeks ago, I had a customer tell me about a young lad that stabbed his mothers hands to peices so she would be defenceless against him killing her. Nice. And I had heard MUCH worse than that. Much worse. I would never tell you because some of it is much too gory. This is when I made the appointment to see a councillor. I have seen so much suffering just through my clientele alone.

I grieve with all these people as I watch what they go through.

 

Anyway, I have some new things I have to try in my job, as a hairdresser to report to her next month.

I have to really take care of myself right now.

 

She tells me it would take a miracle from god himself to restore my faith and that most people who have heard about too much suffering, never get it back. Add to this, the many things I have been through in my own life and listening to the worldly news, and I am sunk, for ever thinking I could restore my faith. (which I often hoped would happen through a miracle of some kind)

 

I would love to write to the pastor's wife (my friend) and tell her about this dianosis and see what she has to say. It would be so interesting to hear how she would respond.

 

I feel that god should forgive me for my loss of faith and take me to heaven - I deserve it ...he's the one who made me so sucessful as a beautician, isn't he??

 

You guys know so much about me, I decided that I wanted to share this with you. I have 2 more years to go until I retire from this business. I am winding down now to part time.

 

Any thoughts? Any suggestions on how to tell my clientele that I can't listen to this anymore? I have been trying very hard to change the subject when it gets too depressing for me.

 

I hope I don't get embarrased by this post. Thanks guys.

 

Hi Margee. Really sorry to hear you're going through this. You always seem to be a beacon of light and warmth on this site. I don't usually give advice but I will say the following and hope it is of some value:

 

1. You must emotionally protect yourself - you are paid to be a hardresser not a shrink. So be the best hairdresser you can be and let your clients go dump somewhere else.

2. This is not selfish - it is simply self-preserving. If you are at a low ebb, you haven't got the energy to give to others anyway or what you give will be poor quality and you will feel growing resentment. There's no point.

3. The Christian God thing is an irrelevant distraction - from your posts I can deduce that you no longer believe in him?

4. "We should all mind our own business" What's your business is yours. What's their business is theirs. It's not your responsibility. You are not responsible for their happiness. Responsibility = response ability. The ability to respond. It's got nothing to do with blame or guilt.

5. Look to the future - you say it'll all be over in a couple of years so you know it will change eventually anyway. A change is as good as a rest.

 

Lots of love and virtual hugs

 

Spectroxxxxxxx

[TrueFreedom]

Would you mind providing a link back to your ex-timony? I would like to re-read it. From what I remember I wouldn't think that you would ever even consider returning to that.

[oddbird1963]

Margee,

 

I'm glad you decided to try to make things better for yourself through going to a counselor. As you can tell, the problem with going to the counselor is that you're guided to make some very hard choices.

 

It'll be very hard at first, but perhaps you could come up with a short sweet little script and then memorize it while smiling or looking thoughtfully in the mirror.

 

How about "With all the issues I've been going through, it just really hurts me to hear such heart-wrenching stories. I can tell it's a heart breaker for you too. Can we please change the subject? Thanks you."

 

That's just a rough rough rough draft. You'll need adapt it and fill it with your insight , compassion and wisdom. But I am rooting for you in the little changes you are trying to make in order to make a big change in your life.

[Margee]

Would you mind providing a link back to your ex-timony? I would like to re-read it. From what I remember I wouldn't think that you would ever even consider returning to that.

 

thanks guys. TF, this is the link to my real testimony and no....I would not go back. It's way too late for that.

I cannot deny that I had hoped for some kind of miracle to restore my faith in the last few years because losing it had been very hard on me. T2M - The councillor did not force me to talk about god at all - she simply said, 'It would take a miracle'...that's why I called the post, 'Margee needs a miracle''. I really liked talking to her.

 

This was and still is my testimony... a letter written to the invisable god

 

http://www.ex-christ...ase-forgive-me/

[Deva]

Margee, do you really want to "get your faith back"? Why, if I may ask? I am not sure about this councilor that is trying to push you that direction.

 

I am sorry to hear about your having to hear thousands of these awful stories over the years. Its like you have to be some kind of psychologist to learn how to distance yourself from all this.

 

I don't know of a polite way to tell a client "I just don't want to hear it." You are in a rough spot with that. I say there might be some clients that maybe have taken advantage of you so much it might be worth losing them. I don't know, since I have not experienced this kind of problem. I do know that i have been in situations where there are people so negative that I want to leave the room when they walk in. I have that empath thing big time with a tremendous amount of sensitivity to other people's moods.

 

I don't really have any answers for you, but at least you are able to cut it back to part time and will soon be retiring. Maybe you can celebrate that fact.

[MerryG]

She tells me it would take a miracle from god himself to restore my faith and that most people who have heard about too much suffering, never get it back. Add to this, the many things I have been through in my own life and listening to the worldly news, and I am sunk, for ever thinking I could restore my faith. (which I often hoped would happen through a miracle of some kind)

 

I would love to write to the pastor's wife (my friend) and tell her about this dianosis and see what she has to say. It would be so interesting to hear how she would respond.

 

I feel that god should forgive me for my loss of faith and take me to heaven - I deserve it ...he's the one who made me so sucessful as a beautician, isn't he??

 

You guys know so much about me, I decided that I wanted to share this with you. I have 2 more years to go until I retire from this business. I am winding down now to part time.

 

Any thoughts? Any suggestions on how to tell my clientele that I can't listen to this anymore? I have been trying very hard to change the subject when it gets too depressing for me.

 

Margee,

 

I haven't been around long enough to know you well, but I've felt your empathy and goodwill from my first day here. IF there's a god in heaven and IF he doesn't accept somebody like you, then to hell with the bastard.

 

Consider this please: if there's an all-powerful god, then he could have prevented every one of those horrors you describe. But he chose not to. Why would you want to be forgiven or accepted by such a being?

 

Well, I can guess why. I've often had feelings similar to yours. And in my book the desire to be loved, wanted, forgiven, accepted by "god" is an understandably human desire to feel secure. It may be a longing to have had better, kinder, more loving parents. It may be a general longing to be comforted and feel safe. "God" is an easy answer. But IMHO, that's an answer that doesn't address the real problem.

 

I think you're right, though, to want to find ways to deflect the horrors that come out of the mouths of your clients. A couple of thoughts: decorate your station/shop with thought-provokingly cheerful things. Not sappy stuff, necessarily, but things that will encourage more positive discussions. And develop a few helpful phrases that you can use to turn discussion away from the uber-depressing. "Yes, I heard about that. But it's too painful to talk about." Or come up with a sort of non-theological serenity prayer.

 

You are a good person. Empaths always suffer and tend to draw the very thing that makes us suffer the worst. Unless you really, really believe in god again, don't run to false comfort.

[MerryG]

I was typing the above at the same time you were posting. I'm glad you're not tempted to run back to religion on that basis. But boy, do I understand the desire to be comforted by a super-being when the world looks like shit.

[Margee]

Margee, do you really want to "get your faith back"? Why, if I may ask? I am not sure about this councilor that is trying to push you that direction.

 

Thank you Deva. I am not trying to get my faith back. She simply said I would need a miracle to get it back, hence the name of the post. She did not talk to me about god at all. I have no idea if she's even religious. Thank you for your kind (as always, responce to me. Hug!

[Deva]

Margee, do you really want to "get your faith back"? Why, if I may ask? I am not sure about this councilor that is trying to push you that direction.

 

Thank you Deva. I am not trying to get my faith back. She simply said I would need a miracle to get it back, hence the name of the post. She did not talk to me about god at all. I have no idea if she's even religious. Thank you for your kind (as always, responce to me. Hug!

 

OK Margee. If that is all she said, that's fine. I have been to a Councillor one time - couldn't afford very many sessions, but she was a good one. I thought it was very worthwhile just to have an unbiased person to talk to who would really listen.

 

Hugs back to you Margee!

[TrueFreedom]

What type of response would you expect from the pastor's wife? Do you think that she would be more accepting of your loss of faith? It may not hurt to send the diagnosis to her, but some might see it as an opportunity to try to win you back to the fold.

 

Hopefully you can catch a break from the drama trauma soon.

 

How are things going with your house-guest?

[Margee]

What type of response would you expect from the pastor's wife? Do you think that she would be more accepting of your loss of faith? It may not hurt to send the diagnosis to her, but some might see it as an opportunity to try to win you back to the fold.

 

Hopefully you can catch a break from the drama trauma soon.

 

How are things going with your house-guest?

 

TF, thank you for asking. It's not as bad as I thought having my 91 year old MIL living here. I actually am now being paid (a small amount ) to be her part time nurse. This has allowed me to let go of more clients. I am sort of enjoying the new 'job', but again, it is very hard to watch a lady who once belonged to the golf and country club, not be able to make it to the bathroom and forget what she said 5 minutes ago..

 

It's not so bad - I have just accepted that this is the way life is - whether I like it or not. It's not really what I wanted to do at this age but, I am making the best out of it. I will get the true break I want someday when I die!! Until then..I will be brave and strong to accept life on it's terms and enjoy everything that I can.

[Denyoz]

Hey Margee, thank you for sharing. I knew you had seen a counselor, but I was not expecting this diagnosis. I looked up "vigarious trauma" but could not find it. But I found "vicarious trauma". I had never heard of this. It makes a lot of sense. The diagnosis must have surprised you. When you know what the problem is, you are already half-way to finding a solution.

 

I think you should stop seeing those clients right now. I see it as a form of abuse, even if they don't know what they are doing. You have to protect yourself. Please consider retiring sooner. I was 43 when I stopped working and I had 4 kids to support. The National Bank is right: "You are richer than you think!" It's never too early to make a change.

 

If you don't want to retire, you must find a way to stop hearing them talk. Install a sound system in your shop with huge speakers, and when you see that client coming, turn on your favorite music full blast and press the "repeat" button.

 

Also, you might want to google search: "how to protect yourself from negative people"

[NeverAgainV]

You've been through a lot Margie. I'm glad you were able to speak to a counselor, & it sounds like it helped you. I think you already know what you need to do & you said it here "I have to really take care of myself right now."

That is the gist of it & seeing a good counselor is definitely the beginnings of that. I don't know how you'd be able to keep people from talking with you...you are one on one so that's gotta be hard to avoid. Maybe loud music in the background?

If you have a television a TV show going? That's definitely a tough one because from what I know about you, you really DO care about people & listening is showing you care.

 

I don't think your xpastor's wife will open her mind to consider you deserving of her god's love as you know the dogma is figured out & whoever doesn't conform or believe is condemned & according to their belief system. You, myself & probably most of us at Ex-C are going to burn in hell according to them. I think it hurts to realize that she would probably come to that conclusion about you, -us- who doubt "the faith", but "true believers" minds aren't open enough to come to any other conclusion. It's hard to get them to admit that they just might be WRONG.

 

You are a good person, an empath, you have to take care of yourself. I don't understand how people can be evil & hurt & murder others..I don't know why there is so much pain & suffering.

All of it is enough for someone to lose their faith. I hope you feel better & can use the ideas you discussed with your counselor to help you. Hang in there! ((((HUG))))

[roadrunner]

i agree.this may be your therapists way of dealing with her life. but truthfully, you are hearing REAL stories of REAL people. in my opinion faith is no the answer but the problem. if u are constantly trying to reconcile the stories with the idea thst a loving god has these people in his hands youll go nuts. id rather have my feet firmly planted in a painful reality that i can learn to cope with then a delusion that i constantly have to convince my self of. if deconverting is a recent for you you are hsving re-evaluate who you are and how you deal with life. if you were never a christisn you would have had all your life to learn and prepare for the curve balls that life throws you.

[Thought2Much]

T2M - The councillor did not force me to talk about god at all - she simply said, 'It would take a miracle'...that's why I called the post, 'Margee needs a miracle''. I really liked talking to her.

 

Oh, okay. I get it now. I just misinterpreted what you were saying. I'm glad your counselor isn't leading you toward going back to religion.

[Macmadgram]

I've never written on this board so please excuse me if I am way out of line. How about turning your hair salon into a happy place? Put some positive thinking posters up on the wall and have some so nice soft but light-hearted music playing in the background. Maybe you can encourage people to tell you about the good that is happening in their lives. Really, I'm not little mary sunshine or anything but it just seems to be that listening to everyone's horror stories shouldn't be part of doing hair. I expect that you are a very kind and sympathetic person BUT people need to have more respect for your boundaries.

[mymistake]

I feel that god should forgive me for my loss of faith and take me to heaven - I deserve it ...he's the one who made me so sucessful as a beautician, isn't he??

 

Yeah Biblegod should do a lot of things. Biblegod shouldn't have done genocide in the Great Flood. Biblegod shouldn't have done genocide to give land to Abraham's decedents. Biblegod shouldn't have gotten so pissed off at Eve eating a piece of fruit. Let's face it. Biblegod is a scumbag.

 

Most of us would require a miracle to believe in Biblegod again. That is because there is no evidence that Biblegod was ever real. For me I would need for CNN reporters to film Biblegod in the sky (objective evidence seen by many) and then have them record Biblegod confess: "Yeah I wrote the Bible. It was a practical joke on my part because I have a sick sense of humor"

 

Biblegod leaving any kind of objective evidence would require a miracle because that stuff just doesn't happen naturally.

 

You are a good person Margee. Protect yourself from your client's crap. I have several relatives who like to create trouble and then complain about their creation and or ask me to bail them out. That kind of thing gives me ulcers. You don't deserve that. Protect yourself.

[2Honest]

Margee, I admire you for opening up here and thank you for sharing what you're going through. You are doing the right thing, finding ways to take care of yourself and be good to yourself. I'm an empath, too, and can totally relate to the need to be self-protective. I agree with whoever said people are unknowingly being abusive to you by sharing these terrible things. I understand that people need someone to open up to. But taking advantage of a person who has no choice but to stand there listening is just cruel. You are not responsible to be their listening ear. You are being paid to cut their hair. That is all. I have never taken advantage of a hair dresser in that way. I recognize that they are there to do their job, not be my counselor or best friend for an hour. I understand that you've developed a relationship with many of these people and feel like they are friends. But if someone stops being your client because you need to set healthy boundaries, they are not someone who should be sitting in your chair anyway.

 

I know this process is difficult but I really think it's going to be great for you. I think making these changes will result in a better and healthier life for you. Good luck with everything, and please keep us posted on how you're doing!

 

Much love!

 

2H

[RedStar]

I'm glad you're seeing a councilor, I did the same for about 5 years. It can help a lot to get things off your chest, and sometimes having someone to listen to you really helps. Make sure you look after yourself first and others second, situations like this can land you in depression which is certainly not to be messed with. If you think you're heading that way make sure you see a doctor as soon as possible.

 

 

[Margee]

Hey Margee, thank you for sharing. I knew you had seen a counselor, but I was not expecting this diagnosis. I looked up "vigarious trauma" but could not find it. But I found "vicarious trauma". I had never heard of this. It makes a lot of sense. The diagnosis must have surprised you. When you know what the problem is, you are already half-way to finding a solution.

 

I think you should stop seeing those clients right now. I see it as a form of abuse, even if they don't know what they are doing. You have to protect yourself. Please consider retiring sooner. I was 43 when I stopped working and I had 4 kids to support. The National Bank is right: "You are richer than you think!" It's never too early to make a change.

 

If you don't want to retire, you must find a way to stop hearing them talk. Install a sound system in your shop with huge speakers, and when you see that client coming, turn on your favorite music full blast and press the "repeat" button.

 

Also, you might want to google search: "how to protect yourself from negative people"

 

Thank you Deny. I did spell that wrong and I've fixed it. It is called vicarious trauma.

Geeze.....I don't even know what I got??? LOL

 

I am slowly, slowly, letting go of clients. I was going to share this with you... but I got afraid because nobody ever gave me a diagnosis before and I am a little embarrased about it. I don't want anyone to make fun of me with this because it's so serious for me. I dreaded waking up in the mornings. I was hating life.

 

When you first came here and posted about not being able to love anymore..I could so relate. I told the councilor that I was dead inside, even though I try to be so nice all the fucking time. She told me my love, empathy, sympathy button was 'broke'.

 

That's why I posted today because I wanted support from my friends here on EX-c. You guys know me better than most people!! This post is part of me letting go of the bullshit, trying to be so goddamned perfect all the time.

 

Thank you Deny.....you have become a dear friend to me.

[LifeCycle]

Put a sign on your mirror that says, "No Sob stories."

 

People will ask about it and you can then just be honest and state, that you're only human and can only take so much bad news.

[Denyoz]

Put a sign on your mirror that says, "No Sob stories."

 

People will ask about it and you can then just be honest and state, that you're only human and can only take so much bad news.

 

This is a great idea. Subtle, but right to the point. Like those "No Smoking" signs.

[Thought2Much]

Put a sign on your mirror that says, "No Sob stories."

 

People will ask about it and you can then just be honest and state, that you're only human and can only take so much bad news.

 

This is a great idea. Subtle, but right to the point. Like those "No Smoking" signs.

 

Maybe Margee needs signs that say "NO BITCHING!"