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Girlfriend Has To Choose Between God And Me.


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Last night my girlfriend of one year asked me to come over and talk. She told me that she had decided that she needed God back in her life and was going to be a leader of a new church that our former pastor was starting. She told me that she felt conflicted between being with an atheist and being a leader. She is saying that she still wants to be with me, but that she knows eventually she will be asked to choose between God and her relationship with me.

 

I feel torn apart.

 

I know this pastor. He is an abuser. He is the kind of person who uses insecurities to 'save' people. He is the kind of person who would use the Bible as a way to control people's lives.

 

"I'm not saying you can't date a non-christian, but then you'd be breaking God's commandments. Didn't he say, 'If you love me you'll keep my commandments?'"

 

He's that guy.

 

I don't know where this came from. I mean we just spent the weekend in Vegas, and I felt like a spark was reignited in our relationship. Then suddenly she brings this up out of nowhere. We used to both be very religious. We dated for a while and then broke up. I spent time alone and during that time I realized that Christianity was a problem, not a solution. It was a major source of pain in my life. After I told her I didn't believe anymore, we started dating after that. It's been a year later, and she has never said anything. In fact she stopped going to church and started complaining to me about when she did go to church. We went to a museum in Los Angeles and she started scoffing at how Christians could deny dinosaurs and say that the Earth is only thousands of years old. One of the very reasons that she had left the church was because her friends were telling her i was a big bad atheist who would lead her astray. I thought that she had completely left Christianity. I made it very clear in the beginning of our current and second time dating that I wasn't religious anymore, and I thought that she was happier that I wasn't than when I was. I was different than most people she knew. I was open minded and non-judgmental. I mean she was so sexually frustrated the first time we dated because we chose to be abstinent. I think she was relived to be with someone who could actually be able to explore that natural side of romance that she had always denied herself. Maybe I was wrong, but if I am, I truly had no idea.

 

The truth is, I don't really care if she believes. I mean she did for a long time and it never bothered me. But if she is a typical uptight, self-denying, black and white type of Christian, well, that does bother me. And from our conversation last night, I feel like that's what she wants to be again. I mean, I didn't know the person I was talking to last night. My BS radar exploded. I think she just misses the friends that she use to have in the church. I do too at times.

 

She also started venting about our relationship as a whole; I'm not physically available enough. I see her at least once a week. I go on vacations with her. What, does she want me to live with her? She's saying I'm not making any sign that I want to marry her. I'm 22. I don't want to get married any time soon. But the one thing that hurt me the most is that she's saying I'm not emotionally available. I know that's certainly true to some extent, but I was abandoned by my birth parents and raised by an alcoholic. How can I not have issues? I'm not going to deny that, but I definitely make an intentional effort to go above and beyond what I feel comfortable doing and saying. It makes me feel like therapy is a complete waste of time. Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to be in a relationship because of how damaged I am.

 

I don't know. I mean, I have problems with her too, but I feel like being with her is better than dwelling on any problems. Maybe I should just do her a favor and break up with her. I don't know. I don't have anyone else to talk to. She is basically the only friend I have. I lost everyone around the time I left. I thought that part of my life was gone. Now it's back and I'm reminded of everything I hated about it.

 

Any advice?

 

 

 

 

On an interesting side note. I was talking to my therapist when I brought up that I had a lot of pain from being involved with a church. I told her that most of the hate revolved around a specific pastor there. She immediately asked me if it was a large non-denominational church. I was very shocked that she knew that before I said anything. She told me that that is very stereotypical of those kind of churches; to hire people who are charismatic with no actual qualifications to listen and help people with problems. Makes me wonder how many people came to her with issues before she realized that common detail to their story.

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At the risk of sounding cliche, if you love her you'll let her go.

 

She may go, she may discover it's not what she wanted, she may want to come back to you.

 

But it sounds to me like maybe you both could really benefit from working on your issues apart from each other for a bit. Keep in touch with her, don't do anything to suggest you don't still love her if that's how you feel, and see where it goes.

 

I broke things off with my atheist bf 4 years ago to pursue "gods plan". He let me go, but never stopped loving me. I came around... 3 years later!

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Relationships don't last anyway. If she is pulling this crap now then maybe she has to work something out. Maybe she will be in a better place in a year or two from now. Maybe you will find somebody better for you and you won't need her. Lots of things can happen. I don't think you can force somebody else to give up their self delusion.

 

Best of luck and I hope things would out however is best for you.

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I have been through something similar before, i told my girlfriend that i was an Atheist and she said it didnt bother her but i knew it did. We were polar opposites on our beliefs and we did our best to hide it but eventually it began to cause rifts, and i knew something had gotten to her because she started breaking the relationship off. Ulttimatly i just wanted her to be happy, the only advice i can offer is don't try to force the relationship to work, if it dosent then no one is happy.

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It sucks when religious issues like this drive a wedge between you and someone you care about deeply. I can relate.

 

She told me that she had decided that she needed God back in her life and was going to be a leader of a new church that our former pastor was starting.

 

Do you know why she's decided this? Or, do you know why she left in the first place? If she left mainly because people at her church were giving her a hard time about you, then it's possible she never really stopped believing. And if that's the case, then it might be hard to get her back into the head-space she was in when she first left (for instance, for someone who left for intellectual reasons, you can rely on counter-apologetics).

 

She also started venting about our relationship as a whole; I'm not physically available enough. I see her at least once a week. I go on vacations with her. What, does she want me to live with her? She's saying I'm not making any sign that I want to marry her. I'm 22. I don't want to get married any time soon.

 

If you've been dating for a year, then seeing each other once a week isn't a whole lot. smile.png It's great that she's communicated this need to you. I also think it's great that you're working to be more available to her by seeing a (real) therapist. She must appreciate that.

 

I also think you need to be honest with each other about what your timelines are. If she's ready to be engaged now, but you don't want to marry until you're 27, that could be a problem. All my Christian friends started having this conversation after dating about a year (none that I know of dated longer than three years), so she might be acting out what she perceives to be normal within her community.

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Funny how my automatic response is "Pray about it."

 

Apparently you've never tried to de-convert her because you are OK with her Xianity. Point that out. She's probably afraid of your leading her away from it.

 

Don't go on a rant about how can she let X break you guys up after all this

time together. It will turn her off and she might think, in spite of the above,

that you're interfering with her X-relationship. Just keep on the way you

are, tolerating it, and maybe she'll come around.

 

Don't break up with her either. Let her call the shots. Chin up. Good luck.

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First, if she's really the only friend you have, do your best to find other friends. For your own sake and sanity. You need other perspectives in your life.

 

Second, if she seriously thinks it's you or "God", she has her own issues to work out. Whatever issues you have, you're clearly doing your best to deal with them (and good on you), and you can't be responsible for hers as well.

 

Do what's best for you, and in my humble opinion, that's letting her go and saving your own damn sanity.

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I would just cool it with her. If she calls and wants to do something, then yes, but do not make any suggestions. Then when she gets in with poastor controlling asshole, she may open her eyes.

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If she is helping this pastor start up a new church teaching his philosophy and doctrine of what he believes, you better run away from her! People who start up cults as a follower and desciple often bring the work home. I think your only means of self-preservation is to cut this gal loose so she go find her godly soul-mate and you find one that is firmly planted in reality and enjoys life. Trust me when I say life is way too short to spend months and years arguing with someone who firmly believes their beliefs are chiseled in stone. Time to move on.

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  • 3 weeks later...

As someone who was at one time the "girl friend" type figure in this scenario, I can tell you this: she shouldn't have to pick between her religious beliefs and you. If she does, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

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well, reading this, just a comment.

 

you guys dated for a year, she stopped going church, and the pastor is starting a new church and asked her to be a leader?

 

Don't you find it weird that someone who is not church going suddenly becoming a church leader somehow?

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My corrupted worldy brain wonders if your GF is seeing the pastor in another capacity.... My apologies if I'm way off.

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It's great that you aren't married to her. If the level of importance she places on church is equal to or trumps the importance she assigns to you then her priorities are messed up. Let her go. Find the local atheist meet-up or join a club and make some friends. You're only 22. Enjoy your youth.

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Dude, get out. Break it off. Why? Because, when I was a fundy, your girlfriend could have been my twin. And guess what? I did get married. At 18. Because it was "god's will". I'm now divorced, but let me tell you about what I was like as a fundy wife. And by the way, I said everything verbatim to guy I dated when I was a fundy when I broke off with him, then went and married my ex-husband (who was a total jackass, so I don't feel remorse for how I was with him). Consider this a preview:

 

We had a dry wedding. No alcohol. Five days after our wedding, we'd gone to see a friend of his, and he'd had like 5 beers over the course of the evening. I was devastated, and I was furious. I gave him hell all night long, and he didn't get a wink of sleep. I told him that men of god don't drink that much alcohol, and how could he be my spiritual leader when he was so weak to temptation? No shit.

 

I'll tell you another story. It revolves around church attendance. He worked 90 hours some weeks, and wanted to just relax on his days off or after work. That was not good enough; we had to go to church, and once a week even was not enough. How could we be spirit-filled christians if we weren't going to church? That was what I'd say to him. I'd give him a hell of a time for missing church, and when I managed to drag him there by wearing him down, afterwards, I'd often get up him again. Things I would get up my ex-husband for included: not being into the worship enough; not being interested enough in the sermon; not taking notes; not taking his bible, or, if he did, not opening it; not wanting to hang around and chat to new people; and so on and so forth.

 

Other things I'd get up my ex-husband for: not doing a private devotional every morning. Not leading me in prayer and devotion every morning... Eventually, I divorced him for not being a christian husband. Not doing all the things he should have done.

 

You know, looking over all of this, I'm starting to wonder who the real jackass was in that relationship. I was utter hell to live with, because I was so fundy. So I'm going to echo both Positivist and McDaddy here: she's got the hots for the pastor and doesn't want to admit it, and you need to get the fuck out either way.

 

And now, if you'll excuse me, I think there is someone I need to email, some apologies I need to make :)

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Last night my girlfriend of one year asked me to come over and talk. She told me that she had decided that she needed God back in her life and was going to be a leader of a new church that our former pastor was starting. She told me that she felt conflicted between being with an atheist and being a leader. She is saying that she still wants to be with me, but that she knows eventually she will be asked to choose between God and her relationship with me.

 

If she chooses between God and you, you will inevitably lose. God has a bigger dick. But I think the choice might be between this charismatic preacher and you. Maybe you can win that one.

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Damn B, you were a bitch. Did you ever apologize to the poor bastard? smile.png

 

Oh yeah, I was pure evil as a fundy lol. I did actually send him an apology tonight. All these years I've been bitching about him, mocking him for not being a good enough christian husband- I was cruel. I was so entrenched in the brainwashing, and so used to having the same old perspective on him for so long, that it wasn't until I was writing that post that I realised for the first time how truly horrible I was to him.

 

I'm not saying he was faultless, either, but now I'm the age he was when we married, and I'm an atheist, and have been medicated and stable for long enough, I guess I could finally see him and our marriage through different eyes. Basically, I think things fell apart because I had unrealistic expectations of married life, as fundies often do, and I couldn't handle anything less than perfection. And I think that this is an issue that lunchbox needs to be wary of. I realise now that I was never in love with him, I was in love with the idea of what he was meant to represent, and I was angry every time he "failed" me. I don't know how he felt about me; I was too wrapped up in my fantasy. I feel pretty horrible about it all right now. The only comfort I have is that I am not that person anymore. That, and that I signed the car over without any bullshit when he asked me to. It was in my name, and I could have made a nice profit selling it, and left him with debt, but I didn't, and I'm glad of that.

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and left him with debt, but I didn't, and I'm glad of that.

 

(Hope this doesn't derail the thread for the op.)

 

I know a Russian girl who married this American guy for a green card, ran up his credit cards and made off with his car and dumped him. :ouch:

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Dude, get out. Break it off. Why? Because, when I was a fundy, your girlfriend could have been my twin. And guess what? I did get married. At 18. Because it was "god's will". I'm now divorced, but let me tell you about what I was like as a fundy wife. And by the way, I said everything verbatim to guy I dated when I was a fundy when I broke off with him, then went and married my ex-husband (who was a total jackass, so I don't feel remorse for how I was with him). Consider this a preview:

 

We had a dry wedding. No alcohol. Five days after our wedding, we'd gone to see a friend of his, and he'd had like 5 beers over the course of the evening. I was devastated, and I was furious. I gave him hell all night long, and he didn't get a wink of sleep. I told him that men of god don't drink that much alcohol, and how could he be my spiritual leader when he was so weak to temptation? No shit.

 

I'll tell you another story. It revolves around church attendance. He worked 90 hours some weeks, and wanted to just relax on his days off or after work. That was not good enough; we had to go to church, and once a week even was not enough. How could we be spirit-filled christians if we weren't going to church? That was what I'd say to him. I'd give him a hell of a time for missing church, and when I managed to drag him there by wearing him down, afterwards, I'd often get up him again. Things I would get up my ex-husband for included: not being into the worship enough; not being interested enough in the sermon; not taking notes; not taking his bible, or, if he did, not opening it; not wanting to hang around and chat to new people; and so on and so forth.

 

Other things I'd get up my ex-husband for: not doing a private devotional every morning. Not leading me in prayer and devotion every morning... Eventually, I divorced him for not being a christian husband. Not doing all the things he should have done.

 

You know, looking over all of this, I'm starting to wonder who the real jackass was in that relationship. I was utter hell to live with, because I was so fundy. So I'm going to echo both Positivist and McDaddy here: she's got the hots for the pastor and doesn't want to admit it, and you need to get the fuck out either way.

 

And now, if you'll excuse me, I think there is someone I need to email, some apologies I need to make smile.png

 

I appreciate your honesty, Pudd! I was in the beginning stages of being this wife, especially regarding praying with me and morning devotionals. I mean, if I was going to wake my butt up at 5:30 to read the bible, he should too! I now tell my husband, in church, women pretend to be all quiet and meek and submissive, but I guarantee you most of those wives turn ugly behind closed doors! Just another example of the phoniness that goes on.

 

It's nice to cut people, including ourselves, some slack! That was not a fun way to live...

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This situation happened to a girl friend of mine. She was all ga-ga xian (I was too at that point) and she dated a young man for quite a while--she knew he was a non-believer--but they eventually married.

 

But after a couple of years, their marriage fell apart. She told me she could no longer live with someone who did not believe. At that time, I was her good xian friend and supported her decision. After her marriage, she went to church every time she could and eventually married a religious jerk who now totally controls her life. Her first husband remarried a non-xian, I don't know what happened to them.

 

Looking back, I wish I had told her to give up her love for 'God.' She is much worse off, with the religious jerk, and she will never leave the fundamentism. She and I were good friends for years, now we only speak via email or xmas cards.

 

She lost friends and her husband. She now exists hand to mouth, and lives with a religious fanatic.

 

Run, run, run. She will either figure out you are preferable or she will wallow in the religion forever. Accept her decision, and act appropriately. But, never, never, NEVER let anyone blackmail you into a relationship where you must 'love God.' You are not being true to yourself, and sooner or later, you will resent the forced decision and will be miserable.

 

If she loves YOU she will come back. But you must give her space. She may not make the decision you prefer, so get ready to move on with your life. There are plenty of nice women out there who do not try to control what you should or should not think.

 

Best wishes.

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I appreciate your honesty, Pudd! I was in the beginning stages of being this wife, especially regarding praying with me and morning devotionals. I mean, if I was going to wake my butt up at 5:30 to read the bible, he should too! I now tell my husband, in church, women pretend to be all quiet and meek and submissive, but I guarantee you most of those wives turn ugly behind closed doors! Just another example of the phoniness that goes on.

 

It's nice to cut people, including ourselves, some slack! That was not a fun way to live...

 

Well, for what it's worth, I don't think many women in the pentecostal churches are deliberately fake. I think pentecostalism turns many nice people into horrible people. There's just so much pressure! There's such an emphasis on all the things you should be, if you're truly spiritual- you should be successful, you should be fit (ie. thin), you should be as attractive as you can make yourself, your house should be beautiful, you should be married, you should have a successful marriage, you should be nothing short of amazing and perfect. And if you're not, if you're going through a hard time, then you must have unresolved sin in your life that you need to repent of. You've allowed demons to come into your life and your home, so you'd better fix that shit, stat. It's so cruel.

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I appreciate your honesty, Pudd! I was in the beginning stages of being this wife, especially regarding praying with me and morning devotionals. I mean, if I was going to wake my butt up at 5:30 to read the bible, he should too! I now tell my husband, in church, women pretend to be all quiet and meek and submissive, but I guarantee you most of those wives turn ugly behind closed doors! Just another example of the phoniness that goes on.

 

It's nice to cut people, including ourselves, some slack! That was not a fun way to live...

 

Well, for what it's worth, I don't think many women in the pentecostal churches are deliberately fake. I think pentecostalism turns many nice people into horrible people. There's just so much pressure! There's such an emphasis on all the things you should be, if you're truly spiritual- you should be successful, you should be fit (ie. thin), you should be as attractive as you can make yourself, your house should be beautiful, you should be married, you should have a successful marriage, you should be nothing short of amazing and perfect. And if you're not, if you're going through a hard time, then you must have unresolved sin in your life that you need to repent of. You've allowed demons to come into your life and your home, so you'd better fix that shit, stat. It's so cruel.

 

Mormons are like that. Utah also has the highest suicide rate in the nation. One of my mormon buddies offed himself too.

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Mormons are like that. Utah also has the highest suicide rate in the nation. One of my mormon buddies offed himself too.

 

That's terrible :( Religion is such a horrible thing. I don't think much of the old argument that religious beliefs give people comfort anymore. Seems to cause more strife than comfort, in my opinion.

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