Girlfriend Has To Choose Between God And Me.

[GardenerGal]

I appreciate your honesty, Pudd! I was in the beginning stages of being this wife, especially regarding praying with me and morning devotionals. I mean, if I was going to wake my butt up at 5:30 to read the bible, he should too! I now tell my husband, in church, women pretend to be all quiet and meek and submissive, but I guarantee you most of those wives turn ugly behind closed doors! Just another example of the phoniness that goes on.

 

It's nice to cut people, including ourselves, some slack! That was not a fun way to live...

 

Well, for what it's worth, I don't think many women in the pentecostal churches are deliberately fake. I think pentecostalism turns many nice people into horrible people. There's just so much pressure! There's such an emphasis on all the things you should be, if you're truly spiritual- you should be successful, you should be fit (ie. thin), you should be as attractive as you can make yourself, your house should be beautiful, you should be married, you should have a successful marriage, you should be nothing short of amazing and perfect. And if you're not, if you're going through a hard time, then you must have unresolved sin in your life that you need to repent of. You've allowed demons to come into your life and your home, so you'd better fix that shit, stat. It's so cruel.

 

Mormons are like that. Utah also has the highest suicide rate in the nation. One of my mormon buddies offed himself too.

 

That is sad. My husband has a friend from SLC, Utah who is married to a Mormon lady. I'll have to ask him about those stats when he comes this fall. I know he'll be honest because I don't think he's very fond of the Mormon church.

 

I was in the Baptist church, and I do think some were intentionally fake, based off of their actions. They fully believed children were a reflection of their parenting, and so when one family's son (he was one of 10), was into drugs, no one seemed to hear about that. It wasn't in the "prayer circle". But everyone sure knew their thoughts on the pastor and his "wolf in sheep clothing" ways (I didn't see him that way, but what did I know). There was so much conflict in that small church for a while, and my husband and I were completely naive to it. It's funny how an idealistic outlook protects you from that stuff.

 

The ones that remained after the split were authentic and nice, which is why it was so difficult to leave.

[Positivist]

I was in the beginning stages of being this wife, especially regarding praying with me and morning devotionals. I mean, if I was going to wake my butt up at 5:30 to read the bible, he should too! I now tell my husband, in church, women pretend to be all quiet and meek and submissive, but I guarantee you most of those wives turn ugly behind closed doors! Just another example of the phoniness that goes on.

Well, for what it's worth, I don't think many women in the pentecostal churches are deliberately fake. I think pentecostalism turns many nice people into horrible people. There's just so much pressure! There's such an emphasis on all the things you should be, if you're truly spiritual- you should be successful, you should be fit (ie. thin), you should be as attractive as you can make yourself, your house should be beautiful, you should be married, you should have a successful marriage, you should be nothing short of amazing and perfect. And if you're not, if you're going through a hard time, then you must have unresolved sin in your life that you need to repent of. You've allowed demons to come into your life and your home, so you'd better fix that shit, stat. It's so cruel.

Mormons are like that. Utah also has the highest suicide rate in the nation. One of my mormon buddies offed himself too.

That's exactly what went through my head! I live in Mo-Mo-Ville and they are a pretty cookie-cutter lot.

 

But yes, Pentecostalism is toxic.

[Vigile]

That is sad.

 

Yeah. He was the oldest out of 17. Same mother. Really beautiful lady too. You'd never believe she bore 17 children.

[Vigile]

That is sad. My husband has a friend from SLC, Utah who is married to a Mormon lady. I'll have to ask him about those stats when he comes this fall. I know he'll be honest because I don't think he's very fond of the Mormon church.

 

You made me double check myself.

 

According to this, Utah is not the highest. It looks like Montana is. But if you notice, Utah is right up there, along with Idaho and Wyoming. All have large LDS populations. It's interesting that these states are significantly higher than most other states.

 

http://www.afsp.org/...0C1494E2FADB8EA

[Akheia]

I admit I never would have thought Idaho had that kind of problem, but ultimately I'm not super-surprised. Really religious areas (and Idaho is very very LDS, yes) don't give suffering people a lot of options.

 

Lunchbox,

 

She sounds like she's suffering from an addiction to religion, and when someone's got an addiction, they stop being the person you knew and become "the addict" in so many ways. You'll find in time that you have more of these "who the fuck IS this?" moments if you stick with this thing. I find it odd that someone would offer her, a reprobate with so little experience, any sort of leadership role in any organization, and if the guy in charge of this organization is so abusive and weird, there's something else going on here. It might not be sexual (yet), but there's a dynamic going on that is hard to pin down but which is undoubtedly going to be detrimental to your relationship. The saying here applies so well: if you have to choose between two men, the best choice is "neither" because you lack the discernment and maturity to really judge your own needs. She is choosing between two men (you/Jesus or you/preacher), and both men are going to lose out as a result of her immaturity as she tries to half-ass it and string you both along.

 

I'll also note that a mixed relationship, as you suspect, is only dramatic if you let it be so. Lots of normal people have mixed religion relationships and last for years--my husband's mom and dad were married for decades (ending only with his death), and made an atheist/Christian thing work beautifully and harmoniously. That suddenly your differences in religion are a big problem makes me wonder what happened there. She didn't mind before. But she does now. Something else is going on here.

 

But for all the "something elses" going on, none of this is something you need to analyze or really dig into. The simple truth is that it sounds to me like she's moving on emotionally, which isn't bad-sounding to me because she doesn't sound very respectful at all of you or your needs. I'm really sorry she's putting you both into this situation and will offer this: don't sacrifice your dignity or your self-respect. Assess your needs, figure out if she'll be suited to meeting them, and if not, be an adult. There are millions of women in this world and I can guarantee you there are a bunch out there who won't treat you this way. Hell, as scary as being single might be, it's better than being involved in the kind of drama I foresee if she continues down the path she's chosen.

 

I think you suspect already what option will best honor you as a person. You have my permission to do it without a single glance backward. Good luck, sweetie, and please update, okay?

[decafaholic]

In lieu of advice, I'll tell you a story:

 

I was in a relationship with a Christian guy for 3 years. We had a lot of sex and I went to a shit ton of church services with him. As you can tell from that previous sentence, we were both lying to ourselves a great deal.

 

I told myself I could be okay with his twice a week church services (led by the godfather of all asshole pastors). I told myself I didn't mind giving up alcohol and that I could curb my cursing around him. I told myself lie after lie after lie.

 

I think the lie he told himself was that I would change. Maybe he told himself that he had to settle for an atheist because no one else was going to come along. I don't know.

 

I broke up with him for completely non-religious reasons and it was devastating because I really thought I had missed my chance at love. I thought I would never be able to find someone in Arkansas who would want to date an atheist. Even the smoking-drinking-fighting rednecks here still believe in Jesus, ya know? It's so ingrained in Southern culture.

 

But then I started online dating and within a few months, I found this hilarious agnostic guy who showered me with affection and loved every part of who I am. For the first time ever, I didn't have to lie to myself in order to believe that a relationship could work. He was so easy to be around. I could say whatever I was thinking and he totally accepted it.

 

We've been living together over a year now and I'm thankful every day that I stopped lying to myself and got out of that 3 year relationship. I'm happy.

 

I am confident that your gut will tell you what to do, and that you will eventually find happiness.

[mcdaddy]

In lieu of advice, I'll tell you a story:

 

I was in a relationship with a Christian guy for 3 years. We had a lot of sex and I went to a shit ton of church services with him. As you can tell from that previous sentence, we were both lying to ourselves a great deal.

 

I told myself I could be okay with his twice a week church services (led by the godfather of all asshole pastors). I told myself I didn't mind giving up alcohol and that I could curb my cursing around him. I told myself lie after lie after lie.

 

I think the lie he told himself was that I would change. Maybe he told himself that he had to settle for an atheist because no one else was going to come along. I don't know.

 

I broke up with him for completely non-religious reasons and it was devastating because I really thought I had missed my chance at love. I thought I would never be able to find someone in Arkansas who would want to date an atheist. Even the smoking-drinking-fighting rednecks here still believe in Jesus, ya know? It's so ingrained in Southern culture.

 

But then I started online dating and within a few months, I found this hilarious agnostic guy who showered me with affection and loved every part of who I am. For the first time ever, I didn't have to lie to myself in order to believe that a relationship could work. He was so easy to be around. I could say whatever I was thinking and he totally accepted it.

 

We've been living together over a year now and I'm thankful every day that I stopped lying to myself and got out of that 3 year relationship. I'm happy.

 

I am confident that your gut will tell you what to do, and that you will eventually find happiness.

 

There's agnostic/atheists out here in Arkansas! I'm one of em!! Ive actually found there's more than ya think, you just have to ask.

[stryper]

My corrupted worldy brain wonders if your GF is seeing the pastor in another capacity.... My apologies if I'm way off.

 

^^^THIS^^^

 

Was my first reaction.

 

Second reaction was she seems to be looking for a way out.

 

All relationships go through cycles. But at some point there will a Corruption for lack of a better term. This is most obvious as an intrusion of a 3rd party, or descent into addiction. Many relationships don't survive that stage. It happens to everyone.

 

It hurts. It sucks. It generally makes you miserable.

 

I think a key point is the whole marriage issue. She brings that up in the same conversation with being emotionally and physically unavailable. She seems to have expectations about the relationship that she didn't bother to inform you of.

 

 

That said. Go with Seth's suggestion from the Thinking Atheist podcast. Take it to her and talk directly. Maybe bring her to a therapy session if you need a third party. If the situation can't be resolved, then let it go.