Is He A Pedophile? A Potential Controller?

[pandora]

Hello everyone! It has been a long while since I've posted. I have missed you guys! Ex-Christian life is good and I am very at peace with my worldview. The pain of my deconversion has mostly passed. Sometimes I long for the emotional security I had as a Christian, but life is much better when one faces reality head-on. I recently lost my job so I have a lot more time to dick around on the internet. For those of you that remember me, how have you been? Long time no see.

 

Okay... here is the situation. My family is really concerned about a guy a cousin of mine is dating. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I really think he is going to destroy her in more ways than one. He is African American and my cousin thinks that my family is racist for not liking him, but here are the facts.

 

After two months of dating, they got engaged. He showers her with flowers and notes everywhere, even breaking into her car to leave a note and a gift.

 

He has had two marriages in three years.

 

He owns a lot of guns and is a wannabe cop. He performed a citizen's arrest on a drunk guy while they were out on a walk downtown. He searched him and found a bag of weed. He made the guy think he was a cop and then called the police to come and get him.

 

He is very involved with my cousin's daughter. He babysits and posts pics that my cousin has taken of them together on his facebook.

 

At a family function tonight, he danced through a whole song with a 11 year girl by standing behind her, wiggling around, and raising her arms up. The poor girl was very uncomfortable and I am surprised her parents didn't jump up and grab her.

 

He is a charismatic Christian and has converted my poor cousin to the same. They are getting married in one year, but are supposedly moving in together in two weeks. They swear they are going to be celebate, even though they had sex on the first couple dates. HA!\\

 

I saw a post on his facebook from a couple years ago where he describes women as his property, meant to be in the kitchen cooking for him.

 

I get the feeling he is bad news, but he seems like a nice guy and they are so in love. Actually, I know he is bad news... and I want to confront my cousin about it, but I don't know how without her hating me for not liking him. She'll say I'm just racist and that he is a wonderful Christian man. I just don't understand why she doesn't see all these red flags.

 

Advice/opinions?

[WMDKitty]

"He showers her with flowers and notes everywhere, even breaking into her car to leave a note and a gift."

 

Bad. News.

[Zephie]

He's creepy for sure and doing some highly inappropriate things from what I've read.

[midniterider]

Show your cousin his facebook posts. Maybe do a criminal background check on him. I believe you can pay for one of those on the internet. See if he is a registered sex offender. Call the cops and say an exfelon by the name of _______ who lives at _________ address is in possession of a firearm. They will run him through their computer. Who knows, he may have arrest warrants pending. If he isnt supposed to have a gun they will take it away from him. If he is an ex-felon he will be arrested.

 

Good people dont break into people's cars to be nice to them. He has boundary issues. The guy pretends to be a cop. That's illegal.

 

So he's a christian too. This guy sounds like some sociopath.

[flockoff]

Controller.

 

If your cousin is as naive and irrational as your post leads one to conclude and your family's already worn themselves out with it, I wouldn't expect much to come from confronting her. I've never heard a story like this where the victim is simply reasoned out of it. You'll have to focus on dealing with him directly by following midniterider's advice.

 

Before you show her the Facebook posts (assuming she hasn't already seen them) post this story on some other forums but omit the fact that he's African American and maybe alternate between saying he's a Christian. When (hopefully) all the opinions come back negative, show them to her and you'll have a stronger case.

 

Good luck.

[AKR]

Really couldn't tell if he was a pedophile based on making some kid dance. And I'm not sure what him posting pics of his fiance's kid on his facebook page has to do with fucking kids. Sounds like a bit of a douche, though, but there's really nothing you can do about it. If you try to stop her, she's just going to distance herself from you and when she needs someone after realizing what a fuck bag this guy is and how stupid it was to get engaged and married within a year, she won't feel comfortable coming to you. Just grit your teeth and accept that it's her life to fuck up.

[Akheia]

He's a heady swirl of crazy, all right. I'd say based on what you've written that he has all-around boundary issues with a lot of dangerous over-controlling tendencies. I'd be deeply concerned about any single one of the things you've mentioned, but when I discover that someone's combined all of them, that makes me fear for your relative's safety. He sounds like he presents as being very confident, which can really draw in victims who lack a very good sense of boundaries and self-respect.

 

I completely agree with MR's suggestion--if he's pretending to be a cop and he's got a lot of guns, that's something the local constabulary will likely be very interested in hearing.

 

In the end, though, all your family can do if the cops don't find anything compelling is to make sure that the guy's crazy is kept as well-insulated as possible by refusing to socialize with the asshole, have him in their houses, or put up with him saying or doing weird or controlling things in their presence (why was the 11-year-old not taught that if she's made uncomfortable by someone, she's allowed to walk away from him? Barring that, why didn't someone step in and stop him? Victimizers depend upon people not wanting to "make a scene," you know; you need to be vigilant about this). If your cousin insists on fucking her life up like this, chances are he's feeding her own crazy somehow; just keep keep him from victimizing anybody else in the family while telling her that if she needs a safe harbor, her family is there for her. Hard rope to walk, but your priority needs to be finding out if this man is a criminal risk and either way keeping him from hurting anybody else.

[Ro-bear]

Creepy, creepy, creepy.

 

Tell your cousin how you feel, for all the good that will do. When she totally rejects your intervention, smile and wish her the best. At least your conscience will be clear.

[pandora]

Thanks, everyone. He isn't on the national sex offenders list, but he is only 30 years old so I am guessing that he just hasn't done anything yet. And while he may do things that seem like he is a pedophile, he may never commit a crime. I am less worried about that aspect and more worried about his personality. Once I get a job, I will pay for a background check and show it to her. I am guessing there is probably nothing serious except maybe a drug charge. Of bigger concern to me is that he fits the profile of a potential future abuser. What kind of person goes around doing citizen's arrests?!? When she bragged about that online, I just was just dumbfounded... He seems like a narcissist and I think has the potential to be very controlling. I can only hope that in their one year of cohabitation that he shows his ass in some major way and that my cousin gets out quickly.

 

I think I'll send her a brief message maybe stating my concerns based on what he's posted and done... her mother and aunt already did that and they got shut down like I said. But I am sort of around her age so maybe she will hear me better, plus I won't have the condescending attitude the rest of my family seems to have with her. She has a history of choosing interesting men. People could say the same for me, though... LOL

[Guest Xtech]

Psycho.

 

Run.

[pandora]

I might add that he bought her this, before they were even engaged: http://www.dayspring.com/home_and_art/canvas_and_framed_art/courageous_the_resolution_for_women_8x10_personalized_frame_ready_print/

 

It's a contract for women to behave a certain way in marriage. It isn't really a big deal, but of course, very Christian and traditional in its dictates towards women in marriage.

 

As far as him being a potential pedophile, I looked up the "profile" of one and he seems to fit many of the characteristics. My cousin is divorced with a six year old and he seems to have targeted them. New stepdaddies typically take it slow, but he is trying to supplant the girl's bio father and spend waaay too much alone time with her. In every picture of them together, he is either holding her or dipping her in a dance or something. But like I said, that isn't my major concern. It could very well all be fairly innocent and he may never act. He may just like kids a lot. After all, he is a "Christian man." *rolls eyes*

 

I am tempted to message his exes on facebook to see what they would say, but I am sure that would cause some drama. He has kids from both of them and I don't think he sees them often, but if he does, I am sure it would come up in conversation. His sister voiced her opinion on facebook saying, "If you bring one more girl and her kids into our family and make me fall in love with them...." She doesn't want him to get married and cautioned him to slow down. He got very angry in his reply and stated that she is his soulmate and that no one can judge their relationship. Sigh.

[blackpudd1n]

Psychopath/sociopath. Seen it all before. Even if he has got a criminal history, which is likely if I'm correct about the psychopath bit, your cousin's unlikely to listen, as she'll just turn around and say, "that was before he became a christian, he's different now". Run the check anyway, though, so you'll at least know what you're dealing with, and if he has got any outstanding warrants, they can do something about that and/or take the gun off him, like midnightrider suggested. But be warned, it won't be pretty if they do do that, and especially if he twigs that her family was involved. There's a good chance there'll be domestic violence in his background. I'm not saying that 'cause of his race, I'm saying 'cause of the psychopath angle.

 

Psychopaths do come across as very charming when you first meet them. And they do seem very romantic. But he's only trying to marry her because he sees it as a way to own her.

[Positivist]

Creepy as hell.

 

Do your best to support those involved....

[SilentLoner]

Trust your gut even on things that may seem trivial. Before my parents married, my maternal grandfather warned my mom that he didn't like my dad because he was too "opportunistic."

 

He was damn right.

[roadrunner]

Run for the hills.....but he will find you...and arrest you.

[Overcame Faith]

My thought is not to get involved in your cousin's personal business unless and until she asks for advice or an opinion. Nothing you have written justifies unwanted intervention, in my opinion.

[Sybaris]

He has had two marriages in three years.

 

 

 

 

Can't help ya much more than this.

 

If it's not enough you can look up his wedding/divorce announcements and find his ex spouses. Politely ask them to meet with your cousin. They obviously know something

[florduh]

Unless you have some information she doesn't have, stay out of it.

[Akheia]

Here's the thing: the guy's already making people in the family uncomfortable. The kids in the family especially need to know how to handle situations like that. That 11-year-old needs to know that if a man makes her feel weird like that, she's totally okay to walk away from him or get an adult to intervene, and to cause whatever commotion she must to make that behavior stop. Yet she didn't. Sounds kind of fucked up to me. If even my dad (who himself was a recovering sicko) saw a man lay a hand on me like that when I was 11, you can bet the asshole wouldn't be dancing with anybody for a long, long time. But the parents here--as well as everybody else witnessing her discomfort--just let it happen. This asshole must think he won the motherfuckin lottery--a whole family of victims trained to compliance that he can prey upon!

 

You can't save the cousin from his predations as clearly she digs his bizarrely controlling behavior on some weird level, but you *can* make sure her daughter knows (in an age-appropriate way, of course) she can safely confide in any of her relatives if this creep puts a single finger on her, and you can take pains to insulate and protect the rest of the family from him with a zero-tolerance policy toward douchebaggery. I'd say that a crash course in boundary-setting is way overdue, personally, especially for that little girl he pawed on the dance floor. You can't hope to stop him, but you definitely can contain him.

[Lilith666]

Has she seen the FB post? Then again, she might blow it off as a joke. People who are in love won't hear anything against their little honey muffin. You could damage your relationship with her by bringing the issue up any more. Keep an eye out for anything this guy does. Your cousin might have to find out on her own what he's like.

[Blue elephant]

Perhaps you can influence her to delay moving in with this guy. There are probably all sorts of issues with money, bonds, child support etc etc. that way, she will get a longer time to experience and evaluate his behavior.

[pandora]

We were at my aunt's 50 year wedding anniversary. The girl was an Asian girl, the daughter of a doctor friend of my aunt's. She isn't related so I guess that is why no one jumped up.

 

Our family doesn't like to cause public scenes and conflict. I am hoping that someone said something to him afterwards. I am guessing that everyone is just quietly adding up these incidents in their heads to bring to her later. Very sad. I don't think I'll say anything to her, but I have said a few things on his and her fb posts that annoy me that point to the fact I am doubtful. I said, "How did he get into your car?!" on her post about the gifts in her car, and when it was obvious his friends were using code words to refer to a stripper they are going to have at his party, which she doesn't want, I told them that they better respect my cousin. He tells her he doesn't want any and she believes him! They are calling them "card dealers" (in quotes when they write it... how much more obvious can you get?). I suppose strippers are harmless fun, but not when your future wife doesn't want them around and when you lie to her about having them. I warned her that even if he says he doesn't want any, his friends will likely bring them anyway. She says he would never do that to her... I just directed her to the thread in question.

 

His most recent post is of a sheriff shirt on his passenger seat with a badge and his assortment of guns on the seat. He says he's a movement all until himself. He is obsessed with the police and is always posting videos and pictures of scenes involving someone getting arrested. Apparently, he USED to volunteer for the sheriff's department. Now, he volunteers at their church for security. With his gun showing and the fake badge next to it. AT CHURCH!!! That is really the scariest part about him to me! I am surprised the cops didn't say something to him when they were out and he did that citizen's arrest. My cousin said he told them he used to volunteer for the sheriff's department and they bought it. I don't!! His friends on facebook from his old town (Gary, IN-- highest rate of crime in the state) ask him if he is a cop now, and he doesn't answer outright... he just says, "What did you do?"

 

As for the part about him possibly liking children, yes, I hope I can have a talk with her daughter someday about good touch and bad touch etc... He wants to be her hero and I hope that he truly is innocent in his actions. My instinct tells me that he probably is attracted to children, but I doubt he'll act. He doesn't have a job working with children, and he is a trucker. Although, he uses that app that tells everyone where one is at, and a few times elemetary schools have shown up for unknown reasons. I guess he delivers uniforms or something? I don't know...it isn't clear. His friends teased him and posted "Stranger danger!" Hmm... do they know something we don't?

 

Like I said, he'll show his ass sooner or later. They are moving in together in two weeks. That will be interesting. I am reluctant to tell her what to do with her life, so I think I'll lay low until the next questionable incident to say something. Hopefully I'll have a criminal background check or something to back me up. If I don't exactly have new information for her, I might just say quiet... I am going to play it by ear.

[pandora]

He also has a post in his albums of a dishwasher full of 18 glocks. "Doing dishes" he says. Why the hell does he need so many guns?! Ugh, I think I am going to call the police department and tell them about his bullshit. See if he is allowed to have a sheriff shirt, fake badge, and dress in a brown shirt and pants with a sewn-on sheriff star.

 

The more I think about it the more I get disturbed....

[Akheia]

This new info is not exactly reassuring at all She wasn't even a direct relative and he still did that? Yikes, that is some scary stuff. Good luck for your family. Please don't let up your vigilance; I'm inclined to say that with this much smoke, it's hard to imagine there isn't already fire. Do what you think is best.

[midniterider]

He also has a post in his albums of a dishwasher full of 18 glocks. "Doing dishes" he says. Why the hell does he need so many guns?! Ugh, I think I am going to call the police department and tell them about his bullshit. See if he is allowed to have a sheriff shirt, fake badge, and dress in a brown shirt and pants with a sewn-on sheriff star.

 

The more I think about it the more I get disturbed....

 

Sounds like he is having delusions. Maybe he tried out for the po-po and was rejected. We had a loser in our town actually pulling people over in a fake police car once...illegal. Some other douche that was a wanna-be reserve cop showed up somewhere pretending to be a real on-duty cop (carrying a gun) and the real cops ended up busting his ass. Take all the information and photos you have on this guy and file an incident report with the police. You have information that he has pretended to be a cop. A crime has been committed. You may be able to report it anonymously via the web. The real cops need to shake him up a bit so he knows they are aware of his behaviors and that they will be keeping an eye on him. He needs to know he's being watched.

 

Does he have a ccw permit? Does he carry a concealed gun on him at all times? Maybe the cops need to check that out.

 

Just letting the police know that this moron is in their town and where he lives and works may open up a world of hurt for him. He could be wanted. He could be an ex-convict/ex-felon. He might be violating probation or parole. He might be a registered sex offender who isnt allowed to be near children...i.e. a church or anywhere else with children around. Ok, I'll leave you alone now. :-)