From Hell And Through

[Mudisco]

Hi,

 

I'm a 22-years-old male. I had a bad childhood. Was abused mentally/verbally by my Dad and sexually by my housemaids. I became twisted - still kinda am though. I battled my attraction to men from forever but I was told it was evil and disgusting and such people would go to hell. My life seemed to revolve around church stuff so I believed and suppressed those urges. As I grew, the feelings became stronger and my parents expected me to marry and have a girlfriend (I told them one time I may be Bi). I didn't know what to do but commit suicide or run away because physically, I couldn't imagine being with a woman or with a man either. I later discovered what I wanted was a male figure (older-brother/father figure) since my dad was totally emotionally available and verbally abusive. I nearly committed suicide twice but hell and what it would do to my mum stopped me. and my older brother was severely speech impaired. I came to the conclusion that I had feelings for guys because of a lack of good older male models and male friends my age mate or older in my life (my uncle briefly abused me sexually).

 

I came to University and tried the party life style - it didn't work out. So I wanted to be a Christian because I was told Jesus will save me so I did (I was a huge mess then). I told two black pastors how I was confused with who I was and that I may be Bi and they looked at me in disgust. One tried to tell me it was wrong and told me about Jesus and what happened as a born again,that I am a new person blah blah. 

 

To cut long story short, I wanted God to talk to me and to make me 100% straight and all I got was silence. People have been telling me about the holy spirit and how he talks to them through it-  I even bought books on it. Tried fasting, read the bible and Christian books, and tried renewing my mind daily (which my Christian friends and pastors always told me - brainwashing?) and denied myself. I understood the Bible and about Jesus and God but I did not have a relationship with them. I questioned why he was meant to be omnipotent and omniscience, yet Adam and Eve, perfect human beings in God's image fell into sin. Why would he make a garden of Eden that Satan,the snake slipped through. God regretted making humans at one point so why did he make them? As I was strong in the Christian faith, it was all about just knowing (I am good at quoting scriptures and explaining them!) but not experiencing God and the Holy Spirit and I got tired. Maybe it was all in my head. I even evangelised at one point. What can I show in my Christian life with Jesus and God that they are the only way or the truth? Other religions claim similar things but what makes mine different? Every Sunday, when my family came from church, my dad was still his abusive, angry self and I saw going to church as a waste of time. The pastor's preaching made sense through Christian lenses though. I guess my dad does it for tradition. 

 

The biggest thing was that two adults of the same sex who loved each other intimately was viewed as an abomination and satanic and are gossipers and arrogant and bla bla. When you, the creator gave or allowed them to have those feelings and yet people suffering from same sex attractions have prayed and prayed and no answer. I read all we needed was God's grace but how? It was just theory and story to me. It was like a mind/guessing game. The bible told me not to lean on my Understanding but depend on God yet I still had to make decisions and do things myself anyway since he was silent. God said he would give us the holy spirit if we asked of him yet I have seen nor experienced anything. 

 

Another turning point for me was when I was watching season 1-2 of True Blood and Tara's mum was conned by a fake voodoo priestess to take a demon out of her. The voodoo priestess performed the fake ritual and Tara's mum became normal/healed instead of her demonic and abusive self. Tara's mum's reactions in the ritual was similar to those what were taken by the holy spirit in churches. She believed that she had a demon and it was taking out. When the voodoo woman was found out by Tara, she said "never underestimate the power of blind faith" meaning it was all in your head. What you believed strongly somehow linked with reality. How was Christianity and healing and the holy spirit any different because what your eyes wanted to see, you saw (Madonna - frozen)!! Basically, we deceived ourselves. That faking confidence till you make it heavily applies here. They are the same concept!. I know the TB storyline is fiction but I strongly believe the writers must have seen/experienced it in real life to write about it.

 

I am still open that God exists and would talk or communicate with me directly but right now, it's bullshit to me. What sealed it for me was when I wasn't going to church for a while and my dad ordered me to go to a Black church, because we are blacks, and we believe in God and we act in certain ways (I saw your dirty emails!). Total bullshit and brainwashing if you ask me. I met some nice Christians and agreed to the pleading of my mum (my mum is my soft spot) that I should still try and persevere in the faith and wait for God, that he would talk to me. I did for a while but I still had questions and inner conflict until I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I have gone to churches all my life and when I came back home, nothing changed. I was still the same miserable sinful self. My mum told me that at least, I should give something my all knowing that I tried if it failed, and I feel like I have done so for Christianity. I did everything. And the sad thing is God knowing my efforts and my heart seeking him should at least talk to me directly but no. Instead, I had ultra vague dreams. 

 

However, Christianity did make me a good person. I learnt forgiveness (highly important), being a good friend and person, respect and other moral values. However, I am aware that Christianity is not the only way to get those and there are amazing non-christians out there. However, I attained those attributes not only being a Christian but my intellect as well since I wanted to improve myself. I remain hopeful concerning my life. I am somewhere as an agnostic or atheist but I am leaning towards the latter till some solid evidence comes through. Thanks guys for *reading* . 

[mydisplayname]

Hi Mudisco.

 

You've had a tough life so far. Much tougher that mine.

 

I think we're all open minded here towards religion. Like you said: till some solid evidence comes through.

If god proves he's real then I will repent or do whatever is expected, but I need that evidence. Without it for me it's a fairy tale and with so many religions in the world why this one?

 

Now, we all have real problems and we need real solutions. I watched that part of True Blood that you're referring to. Some things can be fixed by imagination. I have friends who really turned their lives around after "meeting" god, but I always ask myself why god does not heal amputees. He seems to only help people with stuff that they can do on their own or with the help of family and friends. Then it's not really god. It's really themselves doing it. God is just their inspiration.

 

I believe I would have been moral without having to have gone through the whole religious experience. I mean, it makes sense to not kill each other and take each others stuff. I don't need god to threaten me with fire to not do these things.

 

You're not the first person to ask god why he's not responding and you're definitely not the last. There's a user on this forum that posted her last prayer to god. Margee. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/  She wrote this from the heart and I really recommend reading it.

 

Good luck friend.

[impickle]

I commend you for your honesty here.  Your struggles are immense, and have given you quite a bit of insight and strength.  I understand your struggle with religion, as I also grew up in an extremely religious family and community, and it is very hard to continue believing in something that doesn't fulfill its promises, yet you find yourself unable to completely stop believing.  Stick around and read what the folks post around here.  They also have a lot of insight that will help you.  You will find you aren't alone in your struggles and hopefully it will renew your inner peace. 

[directionless]

It sounds like at this point you are atheist/agnostic because you haven't experienced the Holy Spirit as evidence. You might want to research the reasons why Christian theology can't be true - regardless of evidence. (Because it's easy to deceive ourselves about the evidence.)

 

Of course, there are a lot of different Christian theologies and not all of them are as stupid as fundamentalism, but it might help to research.

[mymistake]

Welcome to ex-C.  Sorry to hear about your bad start.  However you are still young and you can turn things around.  You are starting to think for yourself and that's very good.  You make you into a good person.  There are plenty of men who want to be with other men.  Don't feel ashamed about who you are.  Sex between consenting adults is not wrong and it's nobody else's business.

[ExCBooster]

Welcome, Mudisco!

 

You're safe to think for yourself, here! Maybe some research will help clear your mind and settle your soul.

 

(... your dad does know that Christianity was imposed on Black populations for the purposes of controlling them... right? In the New World, it was for justifying slavery, and in Africa itself, it was for justifying colonialism. The idea was that African populations needed to be civilized, and Christianity was the way to do it. This is, of course, racist nonsense. On the subject of Voodoo in TrueBlood, Voodoo is one of a class of religions, that mix a veneer of Christian themes and symbols with other belief systems. It exists because slaves wanted to continue their original beliefs, but had to hide them under a wrapping of Christian belief. The "voodoo doll" thing as a curse, though, is a poppet, a European import.)

 

Wikipedia on Vodoun (it mentions a few of these syncretic religions)

 

Fun fact: Voodoo is one of the more inclusive religions, sexual-orientation-wise. The thing is, aside from a boatload of scientific studies indicating that homosexuality is something you're born with, you can also look at culture. Many, many traditional cultures include same-sex love as part of the social structure - sometimes even enforced as a convention. You'd be a complete social freakshow of a samurai if you didn't at some point have a boyfriend, for example. When something is that widespread, and a common point between cultures that have no contact with each other, we can pretty confidently use inductive reasoning to suppose that it's universal. Have an online archive on the house (NSFW, though, obviously).

 

If you need to, don't be shy about getting another email account, and deleting your browser history (under "history"> "clear recent history" in Firefox, and I think "tools" > "safety" > "delete history" in Internet Explorer). If you don't have your own computer, while you can't browse NSFW stuff there, you can go to virtually any public library to use the computers. Ah, the power of the library card.

You have a right to information, privacy, and freedom of thought.

[Mudisco]

Welcome to ex-C.  Sorry to hear about your bad start.  However you are still young and you can turn things around.  You are starting to think for yourself and that's very good.  You make you into a good person.  There are plenty of men who want to be with other men.  Don't feel ashamed about who you are.  Sex between consenting adults is not wrong and it's nobody else's business.

 

 

Welcome, Mudisco!

 

You're safe to think for yourself, here! Maybe some research will help clear your mind and settle your soul.

 

(... your dad does know that Christianity was imposed on Black populations for the purposes of controlling them... right? In the New World, it was for justifying slavery, and in Africa itself, it was for justifying colonialism. The idea was that African populations needed to be civilized, and Christianity was the way to do it. This is, of course, racist nonsense. On the subject of Voodoo in TrueBlood, Voodoo is one of a class of religions, that mix a veneer of Christian themes and symbols with other belief systems. It exists because slaves wanted to continue their original beliefs, but had to hide them under a wrapping of Christian belief. The "voodoo doll" thing as a curse, though, is a poppet, a European import.)

 

Wikipedia on Vodoun (it mentions a few of these syncretic religions)

 

Fun fact: Voodoo is one of the more inclusive religions, sexual-orientation-wise. The thing is, aside from a boatload of scientific studies indicating that homosexuality is something you're born with, you can also look at culture. Many, many traditional cultures include same-sex love as part of the social structure - sometimes even enforced as a convention. You'd be a complete social freakshow of a samurai if you didn't at some point have a boyfriend, for example. When something is that widespread, and a common point between cultures that have no contact with each other, we can pretty confidently use inductive reasoning to suppose that it's universal. Have an online archive on the house (NSFW, though, obviously).

 

If you need to, don't be shy about getting another email account, and deleting your browser history (under "history"> "clear recent history" in Firefox, and I think "tools" > "safety" > "delete history" in Internet Explorer). If you don't have your own computer, while you can't browse NSFW stuff there, you can go to virtually any public library to use the computers. Ah, the power of the library card.

You have a right to information, privacy, and freedom of thought.

 

The thing is I don't know if I'm gay or not like I cannot imagine being with a guy that intimately or sexually so I don't know. But from my deep male friendships which there is an emotional connection, I am deeply happy so right now it is confusing but hopefully, I get to find that out soon. So right now I am unsure but I think my dad, uncle and brother really affected me. So I need to completely heal from that. But thanks for the warm welcome and advice though

[mymistake]

 

The thing is I don't know if I'm gay or not like I cannot imagine being with a guy that intimately or sexually so I don't know. But from my deep male friendships which there is an emotional connection, I am deeply happy so right now it is confusing but hopefully, I get to find that out soon. So right now I am unsure but I think my dad, uncle and brother really affected me. So I need to completely heal from that. But thanks for the warm welcome and advice though

 

 

That's okay too.  Human sexual orientation is complex and wide ranging.  Some people are asexual - they don't want it hardly at all.  There is the whole GLBT range.  You are free to be anywhere.  The only real guideline is consenting adults.  Everything else is fair game.  So take your time to figure it out.  Take as much time as you want.  You might have to de-program yourself to remove all that Christian crap.  Even for strait people Christianity screws up sexuality and it takes time to work it out.  So you are at the candy store and you are free to like any kind of candy you want.

[Margee]

Welcome to Ex-c Mudisco! Wow! What a story. Thank you so much for telling it and sharing such painful details with us. We really understand your pain. You have found a safe house here. No one is going to judge you here. You continue to write out all your feelings and you will always get intelligent feedback from the gang. If I am going through a hard time - this is where I come. I rarely miss a day of visiting Ex-c. I don't post as often as I should because of a time factor. But I still come everyday to read. This is my safe house and it has been for almost 3 years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for Ex-c. The support is incredible.

 

Take your time with everything. Don't try to figure it all out at once. Deal with accepting the fact that you have lost your faith. Try to heal from that. I guarantee you as you go along, you will discover who you really are. Your world view is about to change and it may spin and blow you around like a dustball for awhile  As you become comfortable knowing that the horrible, 'twisted' Christian gawd does not exist, you will be able to finally know and understand that you were NOT born in sin. Once you understand that, the pieces of your puzzle will all come together. You are not the twisted one - the imaginary Christian god is!!

 

You may or may not have been born with the 'special' gene of being homosexual. You will discover that within yourself soon enough... and then be able to be comfortable (and proud) with the fact that if you are gay, you can rejoice in being special. My son is gay. I have tons of gay friends because I have been a hairdresser for 40 years and that's the 'gay' career!! Lol  My best friend and first cousin was gay. 'Gay' is wonderful if you are gay!! Continue to hold your head up real high as you discover who you are!! It's OK to be confused right now. Take your time!!! Don't try to figure everything out at once.

 

It may be good at this point to get a secular councillor who might help you deal with all the shit in your past. Ex-c was my 'councilling. I wanted to be with people who understood the type of pain I was in. If you are in anxiety, it may be the best choice. But come here everyday and post. (and read, read, read!) Write out all those feelings you have. Someone is always here 24/7 to help you if you are in trouble.

 

I'm so glad you found Ex-c. I open myself up and give you the biggest hug in the world. You're going to make it bud. Your a good young man who has had a bad start...... but it's never too late to begin a brand new life. You continue to have hope today and I'll continue to have it for you!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

[Mudisco]

Welcome to Ex-c Mudisco! Wow! What a story. Thank you so much for telling it and sharing such painful details with us. We really understand your pain. You have found a safe house here. No one is going to judge you here. You continue to write out all your feelings and you will always get intelligent feedback from the gang. If I am going through a hard time - this is where I come. I rarely miss a day of visiting Ex-c. I don't post as often as I should because of a time factor. But I still come everyday to read. This is my safe house and it has been for almost 3 years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for Ex-c. The support is incredible.

 

Take your time with everything. Don't try to figure it all out at once. Deal with accepting the fact that you have lost your faith. Try to heal from that. I guarantee you as you go along, you will discover who you really are. Your world view is about to change and it may spin and blow you around like a dustball for awhile  As you become comfortable knowing that the horrible, 'twisted' Christian gawd does not exist, you will be able to finally know and understand that you were NOT born in sin. Once you understand that, the pieces of your puzzle will all come together. You are not the twisted one - the imaginary Christian god is!!

 

You may or may not have been born with the 'special' gene of being homosexual. You will discover that within yourself soon enough... and then be able to be comfortable (and proud) with the fact that if you are gay, you can rejoice in being special. My son is gay. I have tons of gay friends because I have been a hairdresser for 40 years and that's the 'gay' career!! Lol  My best friend and first cousin was gay. 'Gay' is wonderful if you are gay!! Continue to hold your head up real high as you discover who you are!! It's OK to be confused right now. Take your time!!! Don't try to figure everything out at once.

 

It may be good at this point to get a secular councillor who might help you deal with all the shit in your past. Ex-c was my 'councilling. I wanted to be with people who understood the type of pain I was in. If you are in anxiety, it may be the best choice. But come here everyday and post. (and read, read, read!) Write out all those feelings you have. Someone is always here 24/7 to help you if you are in trouble.

 

I'm so glad you found Ex-c. I open myself up and give you the biggest hug in the world. You're going to make it bud. Your a good young man who has had a bad start...... but it's never too late to begin a brand new life. You continue to have hope today and I'll continue to have it for you!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

 

Thank you so much Margee! I don't know how to thank you for the warm welcome. You seem like an amazing and wise woman and I hope we get to know each other as time goes on. The sudden world-view change is still shocking and scary (good scary), like a prisoner being locked in a cage all his life being out in the world for the first time. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

Welcome, Mudisco! I understand your father-figure dilemma. For similar reasons, I am attracted to much older men. When I was in my 20s, I liked men in their 40s. Now that I am 42, I am attracted to men in their 60s. Seriously. I think it's pretty obvious what is going on there.

 

Fortunately my husband (19 happy years together) is only a year older than me. That is healthier for many reasons, I suppose. He is a partner and a peer, not a father figure filling some hole for me. That would not be healthy, I would surmise. My husband and I are from the same generation, and I think that matters. We both grew up with He-Man and Smurfs and stuff, AC/DC and Madonna, the Brat Pack and all that. Know what I mean?

 

You are consciously aware of your dilemma, and that is a major first step in figuring out who you really are and what you really need. You will get there soon enough.

 

Sounds like your world is in a bit of turmoil right now, but I promise you, this will turn out for the best for you. I recommend that you keep coming here and seeking and asking. You will get perspectives and wisdom you had not considered, and that will be gold for you. The folks here are amazingly compassionate and giving, and I hope you will enjoy that.

 

Thank you for having the courage to spell out your painful situation. You have come to a good place for sorting it out. We might be strangers, but we do care, and want to ease your journey.

 

Welcome. I am glad you are here.

[alpha centauri]

Welcome, Mudisco!

 

You've had some rough experiences, but life can and does get better. It's very liberating to be free from the lie of an all powerful, all knowing, vengeful God who is always watching for any signs of weakness or sin and ready to smite you.

 

Life is difficult enough without all the emotional and psychological turmoil imposed by such irrational beliefs.

 

I hope you find camaraderie, good communication and interesting dialogue on this website. It's truly an oasis from a lot of the madness of the world, and the thought control of religion.