What Would You Do To God?

[TristanJay]

I think often about what I would do to God, if I had the power over him that that is usually the power he is said to hold over us.  I often think about what I would do to the Christian version of God.  My chosen avatar is just a hint of what I have in mind for him, if he exists and is the way Christianity defines him, and I suddenly had him at my mercy.

 

Maybe I'm morbid for dwelling on it, not letting go of my anger or hatred.  When things got bad, and I gave up on Christianity, had such seething rage toward God.  Now, it's settled to a comfortable, distant, background contempt.  On a forum for atheists and agnostics, I was told that this hatred and anger was just a part of the grieving process.  The thing that I had difficulty getting people to understand was that I was like Salieri from Amadeus and Riddick from Pitch Black before I was ever talked into converting to Christianity, whenever it was I first learned about the concept of God, I never could believe that he was supposed to be the embodiment of good.  I have always secretly hated God, whether concept or reality, that's been my default state from a standpoint of spirituality.  Always been a misotheist.

 

I realize that I am insane.  Please bear with me.  I'm hoping this will be therapeudic, so I hope you will indulge me and share what kind of tricks, mind games, deceptions, mental illness, cognitive disonance, trauma, tragedy would you put him through.  Would you throw it all at him?  What would you emphasize?  If you put him here on Earth, what kind of life path would you plan out for him?  Or would you show him mercy?

 

What would you do to this asshole deity that has fucked humans over for thousands of years?

[creative]

Step 1 - Everyone will go to heaven (no exceptions)

Step 2 - Take everyone out of hell (including satan) and put them all in heaven
Step 3 - Strip god of all his powers (make him into a normal human with all the instinks and lusts)

Step 4 - Put god on earth and give him a bible.
Step 5 - If he follows the book to the letter and doesn't break any of the commandment he may go to heaven when he dies.

             however If he fails, he will spend eternity suffering alone in hell.

 

Fair is fair... a 0.00000000001% chance to go to heaven is still better then none at all.

[mymistake]

Okay I get to take away God's powers and use them any way I see fit?  I make heaven open for everybody.  Now God has to spend all eternity locked up with billions of people God wanted to send to Hell.  And God can't get away from them or do anything to harm them.

 

Oh and God doesn't get to harm himself either so no suicide and no killing his son so that he can forgive again.

[sdelsolray]

I already have power over that particular god.  I exist in reality.  He is a fictional/imaginary character whose only existence in reality is within the minds of believers.

[Overcame Faith]

If the God of the Bible existed but I somehow had power over him, then that being would no longer be god.  Rather, I would be god for all intents and purposes.  Thus having stripped him from his "throne", with a waive of my hand, I would say, "Away with you.  Shoo!!"  And that would be that.

[Galien]

I'd make him watch reruns of Family Guy for 200 years. Torture don't get much more exquisite than that

[RankStranger]

I'd be sorely tempted to dip him in hell a few times until he saw the light... but I wouldn't do it.  I think instead I'd do the reverse of when he "hardened pharaoh's heart".  I'd soften his heart and force him to realize how truly nasty he really is.  And then I'd make him go stand in a corner and think about what he did.

[Fweethawt]

I would kick him in his pee-pee.

[ExXex]

I'd forgive him and walk away. Bet that would confuse him.

[Denyoz]

I would make him incarnate into a good fundamental Christian family in the smallest town in the Bible Belt with no Internet access.  And he would be gay of course, and extremely effeminate, with uncontrollable urges to cross-dress.

[Nightshade78]

What a killer topic! We are showing our moral superiority to the god of the Bible, something his followers clearly have but do not realize.

 

After dethroning Jehovah, I would make him confess all his murders against Jew and Gentile alike, and permitting such plagues on humanity such as AIDS and mental illnesses (the latter I have experience with). Then I would literally use my godly abilities to make him into a nice mortal that would help others on Earth. I would end illnesses and crime on Earth, and when people die, they go to their personal set of rooms in heaven where all they desired comes true, and none of it will be bad because evil will be cured in people from their time on Earth. 

[Burt_Lemur]

I'd make him go to that idiotic Creation Museum (or whatever it's called) and spend every day explaining to each and every visitor why it's all bullshit.

[seeker001]

Assuming the Christian interpretation is correct, I would make him live a life with hard core fundamentlists from a variety of sects. If He thinks that is an acceptable way for us to live, it is only fair that He should experiencing it as well. If He still thinks it is an acceptable way to live, than I would do what BO would do and put him on trial. Although, I wouldn't be so cruel and put Him in eternal damnation, no one deserves that.

[Fweethawt]

Doesn't anyone else want to kick him in his pee-pee?

[Kris]

I would kick him in his pee pee ( homage to freethawt) then I would bitch at him for being an evil asshole for hours and hours-- I have been told by my husband that my bitching is torture--- then I would do like many others of you have said-- have him send everyone to heaven, including those in hell. I would also then forgive him for the multitudes of mistakes he has made in he past-- because if I didn't, I would've just like him. Then I would work on rehabbing the devil!!

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Here is what I would do...

 

I wouldn't kick his pee-pee, like Fweethawt would do. I would remove it and turn him into a woman. Then, I'd force him to live in a world that is dominated by men, where women are considered property, that way he would know the experience of being treated as property, simply because of his physical appearance. After he couldn't take it anymore, I'd remove Yahweh from the world I put him into.

 

The next thing I would do is go with Denyoz's idea. I'd force him to be gay and live in a world where gays are told that they can't be gay, but make it impossible for him to change his sexual orientation. When he finally gives in to the desires I force him to have, he will face persecution for doing what he could not stop himself from doing. Once he couldn't take it anymore, I'd pull him out of that world.

 

Then, I would do one more thing. I would force him to live in a world where he must worship me as his god and love me more than anything else. I'll make it so that this world he lives in is cursed by the actions of two living beings who had been dead for many thousands of years. I would make a bunch of ridiculous laws and a few here and there that made sense. I'd force Yahweh to have a sinful nature, so no matter what he did, he'd never be able to avoid breaking even one of my laws.

 

In order to figure out what he must do to be forgiven for breaking my laws, I'd give him a book full of contradictions and obvious nonsense and make him figure out how to become saved from his own lake of fire, with that book. I'd make him worry about whether or not he was going to be tortured forever in fire, for his entire mortal life, until he finds himself on his deathbed. I'd also surround him with several denominations who can't agree on what the book even says, all trying to help Yahweh interpret and make sense of the book.

 

However, when he died, he wouldn't actually go to his lake of fire. I'd let him back into Heaven, but he would discover that in his absence, Heaven became more pleasant and everyone who was there would be having so much fun. He probably wouldn't even recognize the place anymore. He would then know what it was like to be persecuted and forced to serve a god by following a bunch of rules, most of which made no sense, and fearing that he had thought the wrong thoughts and damned himself to eternal torment with no chance of salvation. Once he knew what it was like to experience those things, maybe he would change, maybe he would not. Since I do not think he is even real and the chance of this happening, whether he is real or not, is 0%, we will never know how those experiences would change him.

[Margee]

Here is what I would do...

 

I wouldn't kick his pee-pee, like Fweethawt would do. I would remove it and turn him into a woman. Then, I'd force him to live in a world that is dominated by men, where women are considered property, that way he would know the experience of being treated as property, simply because of his physical appearance. After he couldn't take it anymore, I'd remove Yahweh from the world I put him into.

 

The next thing I would do is go with Denyoz's idea. I'd force him to be gay and live in a world where gays are told that they can't be gay, but make it impossible for him to change his sexual orientation. When he finally gives in to the desires I force him to have, he will face persecution for doing what he could not stop himself from doing. Once he couldn't take it anymore, I'd pull him out of that world.

 

Then, I would do one more thing. I would force him to live in a world where he must worship me as his god and love me more than anything else. I'll make it so that this world he lives in is cursed by the actions of two living beings who had been dead for many thousands of years. I would make a bunch of ridiculous laws and a few here and there that made sense. I'd force Yahweh to have a sinful nature, so no matter what he did, he'd never be able to avoid breaking even one of my laws.

 

In order to figure out what he must do to be forgiven for breaking my laws, I'd give him a book full of contradictions and obvious nonsense and make him figure out how to become saved from his own lake of fire, with that book. I'd make him worry about whether or not he was going to be tortured forever in fire, for his entire mortal life, until he finds himself on his deathbed. I'd also surround him with several denominations who can't agree on what the book even says, all trying to help Yahweh interpret and make sense of the book.

 

However, when he died, he wouldn't actually go to his lake of fire. I'd let him back into Heaven, but he would discover that in his absence, Heaven became more pleasant and everyone who was there would be having so much fun. He probably wouldn't even recognize the place anymore. He would then know what it was like to be persecuted and forced to serve a god by following a bunch of rules, most of which made no sense, and fearing that he had thought the wrong thoughts and damned himself to eternal torment with no chance of salvation.

***** 5 star post (in my opinion) crazyguy!

 

..........and then I would force him to become a hairdresser and stand behind the chair for 40 years as I did hearing horror story after horror story. Within his own community clientele, he would hear about rape, death, murder, cancer, torture, accidents, sickness of every kind, children being killed by cars, children stolen at Disneyworld that caused insanity for the mother.... and on and on and on..... with  more horror stories of depression and suicide and on and on.......I would force him to listen to the stories of men and woman who lost their minds and didn't know who their own children were...Yes, I would demand that he listen until he was so depressed that he would hang himself for his betrayal, like Judas.....

 

and on top of this...he would have to make them all happy with their hair.....

[seeker001]

After thinking about it, with the tables turned I think this is the most poetic fate to befall God

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/An_Egg

[duderonomy]

I would show him mercy, and explain why he must be locked away from the rest of us for our own good and his.

 

I would explain that some people don't like being bossed around by a bully, and how bullies are insecure, and that such behavior would no longer be tolerated.

 

I would remove all of the faith healers from the room and call for a real medical scientist, that is, a doctor, to treat his bruised pee pee.

[rach]

I would make him incarnate into a good fundamental Christian family in the smallest town in the Bible Belt with no Internet access.  And he would be gay of course, and extremely effeminate, with uncontrollable urges to cross-dress.

hilarious

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

 

Here is what I would do...

 

I wouldn't kick his pee-pee, like Fweethawt would do. I would remove it and turn him into a woman. Then, I'd force him to live in a world that is dominated by men, where women are considered property, that way he would know the experience of being treated as property, simply because of his physical appearance. After he couldn't take it anymore, I'd remove Yahweh from the world I put him into.

 

The next thing I would do is go with Denyoz's idea. I'd force him to be gay and live in a world where gays are told that they can't be gay, but make it impossible for him to change his sexual orientation. When he finally gives in to the desires I force him to have, he will face persecution for doing what he could not stop himself from doing. Once he couldn't take it anymore, I'd pull him out of that world.

 

Then, I would do one more thing. I would force him to live in a world where he must worship me as his god and love me more than anything else. I'll make it so that this world he lives in is cursed by the actions of two living beings who had been dead for many thousands of years. I would make a bunch of ridiculous laws and a few here and there that made sense. I'd force Yahweh to have a sinful nature, so no matter what he did, he'd never be able to avoid breaking even one of my laws.

 

In order to figure out what he must do to be forgiven for breaking my laws, I'd give him a book full of contradictions and obvious nonsense and make him figure out how to become saved from his own lake of fire, with that book. I'd make him worry about whether or not he was going to be tortured forever in fire, for his entire mortal life, until he finds himself on his deathbed. I'd also surround him with several denominations who can't agree on what the book even says, all trying to help Yahweh interpret and make sense of the book.

 

However, when he died, he wouldn't actually go to his lake of fire. I'd let him back into Heaven, but he would discover that in his absence, Heaven became more pleasant and everyone who was there would be having so much fun. He probably wouldn't even recognize the place anymore. He would then know what it was like to be persecuted and forced to serve a god by following a bunch of rules, most of which made no sense, and fearing that he had thought the wrong thoughts and damned himself to eternal torment with no chance of salvation.

***** 5 star post (in my opinion) crazyguy!

 

..........and then I would force him to become a hairdresser and stand behind the chair for 40 years as I did hearing horror story after horror story. Within his own community clientele, he would hear about rape, death, murder, cancer, torture, accidents, sickness of every kind, children being killed by cars, children stolen at Disneyworld that caused insanity for the mother.... and on and on and on..... with  more horror stories of depression and suicide and on and on.......I would force him to listen to the stories of men and woman who lost their minds and didn't know who their own children were...Yes, I would demand that he listen until he was so depressed that he would hang himself for his betrayal, like Judas.....

 

and on top of this...he would have to make them all happy with their hair.....

 

 

There's a pretty big chance that the horror stories would have no affect on Yahweh. He really only cares about #1. The stories about suicide would probably make him chuckle and he'd think, "If I was still god, then those people who committed suicide would be burning in Hell..."

 

Chances are, the things I did to him would harden his heart more than it was already, so in order for your idea to work, you'd need to soften it quite a bit.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I think I would create my own heaven and I would open it up to anyone and everyone who wanted to go there, including those who were in hell.  But I'd make "god" stay in his own heaven with everyone who chooses to believe in "him".  This way, we would all get the benefit of going to heaven, with the added bonus of not having to spend eternity with the fundies.  Moreover, hell would be emptied out and people would simply have the option of going to "my" heaven or "his".  The benefit of my heaven would be that each individual could make my heaven whatever they wanted it to be for themselves, provided their intentions were neither malicious nor vendictive, but rather motivated by loving tolerance of their fellow citizens.

 

I might even allow for inter-heaven-al travel, so that we could take weekend getaways into "god's" heaven and the fundies could vacation with us.  We might even be able to deconvert some of the fundies when they see how much better eternity is drinking, golfing, and going to rock concerts with us, rather than just sitting around playing harps and kissing "god's" ass.  Plus, I'd just love to spend my days hearing people make comments like "god's heaven is a nice place to visit, but I'd sure as hell not want to live there."

[RachelSkates]

Make him go through everything last thing I have and then when he is begging for relief and has crumbled totally and recognizably, completely ignore him forever. In other words, "Do Unto God As he Has Done Unto Me. "

[Thought2Much]

I would do something that would hurt him more than anything else possibly could. I would cause everyone who ever worshiped him or praised him to stop doing so, and just ignore him.

 

There's nothing that will bother a narcissist with control issues more than being completely and utterly ignored.

[rach]

The LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them, because by this time tomorrow I will hand all of them, slain, over to Israel. You are to hamstring their horses and burn their chariots." - Joshua 11;6

 

I would slice his hamstrings.  And then heal and then slice again.  Over and over and over. 

Then to finish things off I will give him a great opportunity to experience his creation.  A close encounter with fire ants, great white shark, boiling lava, and tapeworms will do the trick.