Queer and Loathing in America

[Purple Rhino]

Wow I honestly have no idea where to start, but also believe that getting this out will be helpful. Although I have been out of the ether of christianity for years now, it is something that I have never dealt with. After two major ‘backslides’ in and out of the church I finally walked, no ran away vowing never to look back almost five years ago. But now find that my present is influenced by the past, and I need to come to terms with events and beliefs of the past to properly heal the psychological and spiritual wounds that reside in me.

 

If it weren’t for the post of the guidelines on the testimony board I probably would be long gone from this forum. The prospect of communicating with other ex-christians had been a beacon to me until I saw christians were also members. That’s my hang-up and I applaud the people here who actually allow and encourage both sides of the issues. It just wasn’t something I thought I could deal with just now.

 

Ok enough stalling, I’m a 41-year-old gay man whose religious travels have seen the extremes of both sides. From the age of 5-13 my father was a pagan practitioner, involved with a coven in Salem, MA. Although he attended gatherings and circles on his own and the rest of the family really had no contact with ceremonies, ritual, etc. The influence in the house was still very prevalent. Bibles or anything else that had to do with the christian church was not allowed in the house, we celebrated Yule, and Samhain as the two ‘big holidays’ of the year. Eclectic and very fun people were always visiting with Tarot cards and Ouija boards. Very different from other families in the suburbs of Boston, but fun all the same. At least that’s how I remember it.

 

In the winter of my 13th year everything changed. Both of my parents “got saved”. I had no idea what had happened, and to this day neither of my parents have revealed what exactly changed them so drastically. All I did know was that my life was over. I really felt that way, the following Beltaine I was supposed to start the initiation process into the same coven my dad was in. Now that was gone along with just about everything else I knew.

 

Suddenly bibles and crosses were all over the house. We were trotted off to an A.G. church three times a week and all of the fun people were replaced with stale staunch bible study zombies. I was resentful for all of this but soon began listening and trying to be what was expected of me. I joined the youth group, went to summer camp and even gave a sermon on youth Sunday. I tore through bible studies and really enjoyed the theater of evangelical services. I had a talk with the pastor one night after youth group. Wanting to impress him with my study of the word I asked him if he could help me understand why “god only made Adam and Eve, and not a whole civilization so that there would’ve been no need for incest?” Without blinking he replied; “First off questions about scripture and questioning scripture are two very different things. So an answer to your insolence would put me in the position of condoning what could be viewed as blasphemy. Ask for forgiveness and be very careful not to question the word of god ever again!” He had left me embarrassed and scared standing on the steps.

 

One night I was asked about being baptized in the holy spirit by one of the youth leaders. I told him that I hadn’t been and he offered to work with me, so I could become worthy of the anointing. Long story short; he sexually molested me. At the time I did not see it as molestation, after all it was my fault. I was just 15 and he was in his late 20’s it went on for just over a year and I thought that I had fallen in love with him. I felt special, we had a secret and he ‘understood’ me. Whenever I had questioned him about the sin of what we were doing he would say, “what we had was different and pure”. I can’t say I believed him, it was more of me wanting to believe him. Strangely I still feel rejection and sorrow when I remember the night he told me he was moving and we wouldn’t be together anymore. Him leaving (me as I saw it) along with other pressures in school and at home ended up with me in a lockdown unit of the hospital for attempted suicide. I still didn’t betray Rick by revealing our secret. Following the almost 5 week stay in the hospital I dropped out of high school and took the G.E.D. test at the advice of the doctors. They were under the impression that all of my troubles were due to school.

 

So out of school and on Valium at the ripe old age of 17 I started seeing a christian psychologist that was recommended by the pastor. That’s when it was discovered that demons possessed me from the years of spiritual abuse I endured when my dad was pagan. Honestly the prayer circles, healing services and exorcisms are thankfully a blur. Right about this time I discovered vodka and its calming effects, especially with Valium. I never considered the risk of pills and booze I just knew it worked to erase thoughts and make time bearable. Funny how there was so much going on at the time and my folks were hardly around because of work and church. I don’t know if I noticed how messed up that was at the time though.

 

I started making progress and got a job at a local bakery washing dishes and minding the counter. All of my off time was consumed by one thing or another with the church or with people from the congregation. I had been accepted to New Life Bible College in TN, and was planning on starting a life in the ministry. The darkness inside of me was all consuming at times but playing the perfect christian was a comfortable mask.

 

Just as everything seemed to be coming together and everyone was grateful for the miracles that god had performed on me. (After all I had nothing to do with my own mental or physical health.) Summer camp cam around again and this year it would be at a camp ground in NH only about 4 hours away. So I got to drive to camp and come home for shrink appointments and so people could see that I was ‘okay’.

 

At camp I met a guy my age named David, he and I had a lot in common. Both having this religion thrust upon them in early teens, and questioning much of the teachings. Also having a hard time in public school. We bonded quickly, I fell for him hard and made the colossal mistake of telling him not only how I felt about him but also about what happened with Rick. We sat by the lake all night and talked, he asked loads of questions and said he didn’t know how he felt about me but that he probably felt more for me than just a friend. All of the fears, doubts, and darkness inside of me left when he said this. I honestly thought that god had heard me all of those nights begging for an answer to why I was queer. I believed at that moment that Rick was right and if love were pure then god would allow it. I felt like I was walking on air all the way back to my tent. It was close to dawn anyway so I just went to the showers, I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I didn’t see David at breakfast and thought he probably slept in. Then 2 of the counselors came over to me and said I needed to go to the office to talk with Dr. Reynolds the head coordinator. When I got to the office David was in tears on the couch in the front room and they ushered me into the office and slammed the door before I could say anything. I had never felt so empty and scared before. David had told Dr. Reynolds everything I had confided in him. My parents were on their way to get me and I wasn’t to speak to anyone before I was chaperoned off the grounds.

 

After about 3 days of screaming, crying, and begging forgiveness swearing that it was nothing and all a huge mistake and I’d change with my parents. I was willing to tell them whatever they wanted to hear. I said that nothing ever happened with Rick, I had lied to David. I was sent off to Cleveland TN to what I thought was an early start of Bible College. It ended up being an ex-gay program that Norvel Hayes had started. The first few days there I honestly wished I were back in lock down unit. There were 6 guys in the house all of them professed to be free of the homosexual demon. But after only about 10 days my demon had tempted 4 of them, 2 of them lost the battle. And it was all my fault. My fault that I was possessed, my fault that these demons I harbored soiled those who were trying to help me. I was a bad seed. Fearing another confrontation with more preachers, my parents, psychologists etc. I broke out of the house with just a backpack and about $60 in the middle of the night. It took me 2 days to get to Washington DC. I decided to stay there for lack of anywhere else to go. I couldn’t go to Boston or anywhere that I might be found, so I lived on the streets in DC for 8 months. Doing whatever I had to do, and still not regretting getting out of the church and all it represented.

 

I called my mother a few days before my 18th birthday. To let her know I wasn’t dead, but had no plans of coming back or telling them where I was. I didn’t speak to her again until I was 21.

 

After DC I traveled all over the country with various people. Just floating from bar to bar and crashing with who ever I could. Never giving a thought to god, Jesus or church. I had been used, abused, and cast aside by god and his people. The degradation I went through as a homeless teen was nothing compared to what christians had done to me.

 

An addiction to cocaine and alcohol in my early 20’s brought me low enough to try god one more time. Not the AG church something lighter, simpler just plain old Methodist. It worked without major incident for almost 7 years. I cleaned up got a decent job and enjoyed life. Non evangelical was alright with me at the time. Their god seemed less concerned with perfection and sin also the members of the church kept to themselves. Eventually I stopped attending services but still maintained christianity as my faith, just not practicing.

 

The death of my grandfather lead me back to a ‘salvation’ state of mind at 33. I refused to belong to a church but was involved with bible studies, and once again speaking with my family. Also keeping a very big secret, I had been with a male partner for almost 5 years at that time. He was explained as a “housemate” and people suspected but nothing was ever mentioned. And he tried to understand my fears and why I just couldn’t tell anyone.

 

In 2000 once again christianity slapped me upside the head. I had gotten the courage to tell my mother exactly who Jim was and what he had meant to me. We had been together almost 10 years by then and they would just have to accept it. They didn’t, (although I will say that they are better than many others I have heard about. They still speak to me and seem to be comfortable with the lie that Jim and I are just friends) I finally gave up all delusions that I had tried to maintain for so long about any christian god.

 

There is much more as you can imagine but this is how it all came out trying to write it. For the past 5 years I have just ignored any type of spirituality. And thought that with everything behind me I could just be. But I don’t seem to be able to get over the anger and downright hatred of christians and what they stand for. I also am angry with myself for playing christian for so many years waiting for it to become ‘real’ to me.

 

I’m lost as to what else to say and don’t want to loose my nerve before I post this. So forgive typos and grammatical errors please. And thanks for being here. I think I need you.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Heya Purple Rhino..

 

Pull up a seat here, feel welcome.

 

Been a hellova ride, huh?

Yer here now, life still intact, and ability to think working quite well.

 

Pleased to meetcha, Welcome to Dave's House here at ExC.

 

Your story and life not too different from many of our other Board users and Regulars.

As with them, am pleased that despite everything tossed in your path, you've made it through to Rationality and Freethinking.

 

C'mon on in 'Rhino, good place to spend on.line, on.ass time.

 

n

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hey, Purple Rhino. I celebrate your freedom from the cult. As another gay man once AG and all the rest of the pentecostal/fundy stuff, I rejoice that you're out of that mindset. The older I get, the more I think organized religion is the main agent of human rights violations against gays and lesbians - not always directly, but in the way that it promotes and justifies bias and hatred. What a load of shit. They deserve to be resisted with all the moral force that the tradition, say, of Gandhian civil disobedience provides.

[Purple Rhino]

Heya Purple Rhino..

 

Pull up a seat here, feel welcome.

 

Been a hellova ride, huh?

Yer here now, life still intact, and ability to think working quite well.

 

Pleased to meetcha, Welcome to Dave's House here at ExC.

 

Your story and life not too different from many of our other Board users and Regulars.

As with them,  am pleased that despite everything tossed in your path, you've made it through to Rationality and Freethinking.

 

C'mon on in 'Rhino, good place to spend on.line, on.ass time.

 

n

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Thanks for the welcome.

I've enjoyed reading everyones posts so far. Once I figure out how everything works I'm sure I'll be more active.

 

Look forward to seeing you on the boards!

 

PR

[Purple Rhino]

Hey, Purple Rhino.  I celebrate your freedom from the cult.  As another gay man once AG and all the rest of the pentecostal/fundy stuff, I rejoice that you're out of that mindset.  The older I get, the more I think organized religion is the main agent of human rights violations against gays and lesbians - not always directly, but in the way that it promotes and justifies bias and hatred.  What a load of shit.  They deserve to be resisted with all the moral force that the tradition, say, of Gandhian civil disobedience provides.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Ficino,

 

I thought that organized religion used fear and hatred against GLBTs when I was in it. Thankfully though I can say I was never a republican!

 

Thanks for leaving a comment.

 

PR

[pitchu]

Welcome, PR.

 

I'm sure you've read enough of the posts here to tell that it's a gay-supportive place. Exhale.

 

You could probably also guess from the posts here that there are many of us who would like nothing better than to bring justice to the people who brought such misery into your innocent life.

 

(With stories like yours, I wish there were a hell, and that members of Ex-C were in charge of who got sent there.)

[Guest JP1283]

PR,

 

Thanks for your story. You have been through so much. You'll love it here. This site has become a big part of my life and support system and the people I've met on here are true friends. I'm sure the same will happen for you. Whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, we're there for ya dude! Enough sentimentalness...Welcome!

[spidermonkey]

Welcome, Purple Rhino! Glad you escaped the cult.

 

I'm also a former member of the Assholes of Ghod who has felt the need to hide her real sexuality. Only recently have I begun to overcome the guilt complex pounded into my brain by the penteholocaust.

 

I also had the "fun" of having my father convert in my early teens. It's very distressing to go through that sort of thing when you're already dealing with the typical adolescent bullshit.

[fallenleaf]

I am yet another recovering AOG member. I'm always suprised at how many of us there are here. I can tell you that I completely empathize with your fear and need for secrecy. When I deconverted I was so afraid of my mother, family, and friends finding out that I told NO ONE for at least seven years. And it was another year after that before I tried to tell my mother and almost three after that time before I really told her.

 

When I say I told no one... I mean it too. I never even allowed myself to whisper my true thoughts or feelings just in case someone might hear them. I had one friend who I shared everything with... he knew more about me than any person on the planet... but he didn't know that part. The whole foundation of my shared self was based on keeping up the lie.

 

My post is lost here... but I was a member of these boards when my mother finally figured it out. Those who read it will be able to confirm that I was nearly having a nervous breakdown. I can't even begin to describe the feelings I put down here that day. I wouldn't want to relive them again, honestly.

 

I got lucky in a lot of ways that you didn't... which makes me feel even more for you. I know how hard it was on me, a heterosexual male with no sexual abuse, so I can't even imagine adding more issues into the mix.

 

Welcome to the boards... you've found a place where you're welcome. You've found a place where ex-AOG people also exist and are willing to talk about things that went on -- it's one fucked up denomination for starters -- and where there are people who share your sexual orientation and dealt with the consequences of that in Christianity... and also people who have suffered sexual abuse under the hands of those that they thought were moral leaders. Maybe not all of these things in one person or every person here... but we've got you covered. Almost anything you want to talk about there will be someone here who can share at least part of the experience with you.

 

-Eric F.

[Vixentrox]

Welcome to the forums. Going through all that must have been hell. But, there are people who understand and don't make judgements about your sexuality. We are here for you.

[Thurisaz]

Rhino,

 

congrats on breaking free!

 

Greetings from Germany

[Lanakila]

Purple Rhino welcome to the boards. Reading your story broke my heart as it's terrible what has been done to you and so many others in the name of God. The AOG isn't alone in their rejection of Gays but their facination with the "demon" of homosexuality, the "demon" of drunkeness ect is sorta unique. I think they are in one way trying to remove the guilt of the supposed sin by blaming satan, while at the same time blaming the person for allowing satan to have reign in their lives. The mental problems caused by this doctrine alone have to be staggering.

 

I am glad you made it here and you will find plenty of support here. Welcome home.

[fallenleaf]

The real scary part about this belief in "possession" by gay-spirits and such is that it leads to the concept that relief can come through exorcism. There is nothing more terrifying than facing the possibility of people trying to "exorcise" something you know isn't there -- and not having any clue what you can do to convince them it worked.

 

In the movie "Saved" that little scene definitely hit home with my religious up-bringing. Lucky for me, I was good enough of an actor that no one suspected I was possessed by anything. But I saw a few times where "possessed" people either acted out or had people try to cast things out of them.

 

God... it's like drugs but you never come down.

[Purple Rhino]

Welcome, PR.

 

I'm sure you've read enough of the posts here to tell that it's a gay-supportive place.  Exhale...

 

(With stories like yours, I wish there were a hell, and that members of Ex-C were in charge of who got sent there.)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

pitchu,

Thanks for welocoming me, I'm gratful to have found a place to help process the piles of mental junk that keep rising to the surface of my brain.

And as for hell, I wish I could see into the netherworl to see the fear and total loss these jesus slaves find moments after death when the heaven they have waited for is nothing but a void.

 

PR,

 

Thanks for your story.  You have been through so much.  You'll love it here.  This site has become a big part of my life and support system and the people I've met on here are true friends....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

JP,

I'm glad that you found support and friendship here and look forward to becoming a part of it also. It's a relief for me to have found people who not only understand the shit within a 'loving church' but can also relate to it on a personal level. After all it isn't exactly great party conversation.

 

Welcome, Purple Rhino!  Glad you escaped the cult.

 

I'm also a former member of the Assholes of Ghod who has felt the need to hide her real sexuality.  Only recently have I begun to overcome the guilt complex pounded into my brain by the penteholocaust.

 

I also had the "fun" of having my father convert in my early teens.  It's very distressing to go through that sort of thing when you're already dealing with the typical adolescent bullshit.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey spidermonkey! Thanks for the welcome and congratulations on your own awakening out of the guilt trap. For myself I wonder who I would be and if I would've been able to deprogram out of the bullshit if I were younger when my dads conversion came about. I have a younger brother and sister who are stuck in a nomans land between the church and sanity and neither seem to want to break free. Sadly I understand their reasoning completely.

 

I am yet another recovering AOG member.  I'm always suprised at how many of us there are here.  I can tell you that I completely empathize with your fear and need for secrecy.  When I deconverted I was so afraid of my mother, family, and friends finding out...

 

When I say I told no one... I mean it too.  I never even allowed myself to whisper my true thoughts or feelings just in case someone might hear them...

 

My post is lost here...

 

Welcome to the boards...

-Eric F.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Eric,

Before I started reading the posts her at Ex-C I thought that i was totally alone in knowing that fear. I've had some scary shit come at me throughthe years but the fear of revealing that I not only thought but KNEW the church was a sham became all consuming.

I hope to come across your post while browsing through the boards here. I have found much comfort and encouragement in reading others testimonies of how they found sanity.

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

 

Welcome to the forums.  Going through all that must have been hell.  But, there are people who understand and don't make judgements about your sexuality.  We are here for you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Vixentrox,

 

Thanks! The more I read here the more comfortable I become. I look forward to seeing you on the boards.

 

Rhino,

 

congrats on breaking free! 

 

Greetings from Germany

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thurisaz

Thank You for posting.

Please don't hold Bush againt me and I won't blame Germany for Ratzi-the-Nazi

 

Purple Rhino welcome to the boards. Reading your story broke my heart as it's terrible what has been done to you and so many others in the name of God. The AOG isn't alone in their rejection of Gays but their facination with the "demon" of homosexuality, the "demon" of drunkeness ect is sorta unique. I think they are in one way trying to remove the guilt of the supposed sin by blaming satan, while at the same time blaming the person for allowing satan to have reign in their lives. The mental problems caused by this doctrine alone have to be staggering.

 

I am glad you made it here and you will find plenty of support here.  Welcome home.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Lanakila,

 

Thanks for welcoming me and you are right about the 'demon phenomenon' in the AoG. I'm not sure if it is to pass the buck or just good theater, but it has been effective for them either way.

The AoG once again is changing with the times. Now moving toward Reconstructionist Christianity which is even more maniacal and perverse than they have been. My hopes is that this shift is the one step too far for the moderate pentacostals that makes up the majority of their congregation. I can only hope.

 

Thanks to all of you for reading my story and sharing your thoughts. As you've reached out to me I hope I can be here for you as well.

 

PR

[Purple Rhino]

The real scary part about this belief in "possession" by gay-spirits and such is that it leads to the concept that relief can come through exorcism.  There is nothing more terrifying than facing the possibility of people trying to "exorcise" something you know isn't there -- and not having any clue what you can do to convince them it worked.

 

In the movie "Saved" that little scene definitely hit home with my religious up-bringing.  Lucky for me, I was good enough of an actor that no one suspected I was possessed by anything.  But I saw a few times where "possessed" people either acted out or had people try to cast things out of them.

 

God... it's like drugs but you never come down.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Hey Again Eric,

 

First off I love the movie Saved! It shows how messed up religion can and does get.

The scary part of the possession thing is when the possessed actually believes it also. I never really bought into the demon thing but there were a few times I used others fears and belief that I was possessed to manipulate situations.

Somehow the 'acting' was easy for me... Maybe it's a 'gay thing' LOL

[fallenleaf]

I hope to come across your post while browsing through the boards here. I have found much comfort and encouragement in reading others testimonies of how they found sanity.

 

Unfortunatelly, that post may be lost to the sands of time. I might have a copy of the thread stored on my computer or in Email somewhere... but the forum it was posted on died... and all the data has been lost.

 

If I find a copy, I will repost it... for posterity.

 

-Eric

 

[Edit: Thanks to the miracle of technology... I have been able to recover a version of it... or at least an instance at a point in time. I'll probably look over it and post it as a new thread in this forum this evening or tonight.]

[Lizard]

Welcome, PurpleRhino..

We've all been for a ride..I've not dealt with the gay issue for myself, however, as a sexually active hetero, the church tends to respond in a similar manner. Not quite as harsh, but close enough.

I remember one Home Ministry leader telling me that I would never find a mate for life (her actual words were "husband") because of my bastard children..yeah, that was helpful, huh?

And the demon possession thing..I can feel the pain of that too. I had been convinced that I had multiple demons too, at one time, early in my xtian life. Lets see.."demon" of smoking, "demon" of lust, "demon" of alcohol..

Imagine my confusion/hurt/anger/etc..when said "demons" could not be "exorcised"..you are left feeling like a total failure.

I do have to say, I've exorcised the demon of alcohol on my own..

[I Broke Free]

Welcome to the board PurpleRhino

 

What a gut-wrenching anti-testimony. It broke my heart to hear about everything your family and Christianity put you through. Welcome to a place of healing. I am also gay and I have been posting here for over two years. I have found nothing but wonderful friends and support.

 

I was very fortunate that my short stay in (age 16 & 17) Christianity was self-imposed and there was not a hint of any kind of sexual abuse. (Unless you consider being told that homosexuality is evil as a kind of sexual abuse?) Given the state of mind I was in at the time, I was certainly ripe for any kind of sexual manipulation.

 

The Christian “tapes” in my head still keep playing long after I left the cult. I felt “less-than” for years. I also found cocaine helpful in turning off those messages, at least for awhile. (No, I don’t do it anymore) The Christian message is certainly a crock of shit, but there is no denying that they have created a very powerful message that takes advantage of human weaknesses. The only way to combat ignorance and superstition is with knowledge and if you are lucky with the help of likeminded people. You are in the right place to find both.

 

 

Welcome

 

IBF

[Purple Rhino]

...

 

-Eric

 

[Edit: Thanks to the miracle of technology... I have been able to recover a version of it... or at least an instance at a point in time.  I'll probably look over it and post it as a new thread in this forum this evening or tonight.]

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Eric,

 

Great to hear you found a version! I look forward to reading it.

 

Thanks,

PR

[Loren]

Holy shit, Purple Rhino!

Reading your testimony was emotionally wrenching. It also made me furious. The injustice and heartlessness of the people and systems which surrounded you was an abomination. No wonder you're finding that you have some undealt-with issues coming back to haunt you. Far, far too often, this is the case in one way or another with far too many of us, almost by definition; after all, if the cult hadn't been all that bad, it might not have been so imperative for us to leave.

 

Reading what you wrote, I was struck with the impression that as a kid, you were the healthiest one there. The adults around you were sick; the authority figures that should have been trustworthy were twisted and dangerous and the very institution that your family relied on for truth and spiritual/moral guidance was itself twisted and dangerous.

 

Multiple betrayals! Your betrayal by authority figures went right to the heart of what I've long felt to be one of the most despicable and outrageous sins of Christianity; betrayal of trust by those in positions of authority.

 

I burned my Bible on moral grounds twelve years ago, and my ire against Christians has softened considerably since then, but that particular issue has only made me increasingly flamethrower angry as time has gone on.

 

Betrayal of trust.

 

We were told that those damned preachers, Christian counselors, psychiatrists, elders, etc. were to be trusted. We were told that they were guided by the highest of moral principles, not to mention the "indwelling of the Holy Spirit" of GOD FUCKING ALMIGHTY, and as things were presented, if those things were true, then it was reasonable for us to trust those authority figures.

 

We are outraged when it comes to light that a judge, a medical doctor, or some portion of a police department is corrupt. Our outrage is just, since the harm these bastards do to people is greatly facilitated by their authorative positions. It's one thing when you or I commit a crime. That's bad enough. But when the crime is committed by a cop it reaches a whole new level of criminality. That's when the public trust has been betrayed. We need to be able to trust the people who are in authority. It's vitally important.

 

It's particularly important in the case of a child who has an instinctive need to be able to trust the adults in whose care he finds himself. This need to be able to trust the adults is as deep as our DNA. It's a total survival trait. So the betrayal of the basic trust of a child is a moral abomination.

 

Betrayal of trust.

 

And that's just the twisted sickness presenting in individual cases. Then there's the whole issue of institutionalized betrayal of trust as cemented in church policy, doctrine and tradition. That's where this morally insane injustice reaches truly cosmic proportions. That's where abuse becomes not only morally acceptable; it actually becomes the moral imperative.

 

When I see the ways you've been betrayed, I just want to ambush those much worse-than-worthless abusers in a dark alley some night and put some real fear of God into them.

 

Betrayal of trust.

 

Then of course, there's the pinnacle of betrayal of trust; God's not responding to your prayers for "healing" (prayers which, according to the authority figures you should have been able to trust, were as right and pleasing to God as prayers could be), not answering your questions (which were from your deepest heart in a storm of confusion) and then leaving you (a child!) alone in a pit of vipers to fend for yourself.

 

Frankly, considering all you've been through (and as an impressionable youngster), you still seem to have a strong tone of health and good balance, despite that you still have a messy garage to clean out, so to speak. You impress me as being a strong and instinctively wise man who relies on a solid sense of self and integrity. But you have had some deep crimes committed against you. Obviously, you realize that just getting away from the perpetrators was only the first step in dealing with all that shit.

 

Now comes the cleanup. Clearly, you're a man of character and backbone. I know you can do it, and we're here to help in any way we can.

 

Also, I very much liked your personality as it showed through in your writing. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better as you work and play with us here.

 

 

Welcome!

Loren

[Purple Rhino]

Welcome, PurpleRhino..

...  I remember one Home Ministry leader telling me that I would never find a mate for life (her actual words were "husband") because of my bastard children..yeah, that was helpful, huh?

... I do have to say, I've exorcised the demon of alcohol on my own..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Hi Lizard!

 

Thanks for responding.

For a sect of people who bet their entire 'salvation' on a bastard child they do seem to be very touchy on the subject. Well at least if your kid(s) aren't born to a virgin for the sole purpose of saving all of mankind that is. LOL

 

I was told I harbored a legion demons also, but were only really concerned with homosexual one. Honestly that was the only one I didn't mind having .. he he ... if I had any at all.

 

Congratulations on battling alcohol. It is a tough road that I know much about. So just stay the course and enjoy another day.

 

PR

[Loren]

When I deconverted I was so afraid of my mother, family, and friends finding out that I told NO ONE for at least seven years.  And it was another year after that before I tried to tell my mother and almost three after that time before I really told her.

 

When I say I told no one... I mean it too.  I never even allowed myself to whisper my true thoughts or feelings just in case someone might hear them.  I had one friend who I shared everything with... he knew more about me than any person on the planet... but he didn't know that part.  The whole foundation of my shared self was based on keeping up the lie.

 

My post is lost here... but I was a member of these boards when my mother finally figured it out.  Those who read it will be able to confirm that I was nearly having a nervous breakdown.  I can't even begin to describe the feelings I put down here that day.  I wouldn't want to relive them again, honestly.

-Eric F.

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I remember that thread, Eric. It made a strong impression on me.

[Purple Rhino]

Welcome to the board PurpleRhino

 

What a gut-wrenching anti-testimony. It broke my heart to hear about everything your family and Christianity put you through. Welcome to a place of healing. I am also gay and I have been posting here for over two years. I have found nothing but wonderful friends and support.

 

... Given the state of mind I was in at the time, I was certainly ripe for any kind of sexual manipulation.

 

The Christian “tapes” in my head still keep playing long after I left the cult. I felt “less-than” for years...

Welcome

 

IBF

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Thank you IBF for your kind words. I am glad that you have found support, understanding, and friendship here also.

 

Sadly many of the young people trapped in many 'faiths' (for lack of another word) are preyed upon. The whole system of self-rightiousness seems to breed a feeding ground of child abusers. I'm always happy to hear stories like yours who through all of the mental and spiritual abuse no physical or sexual abuse was added to the pain and torment. I wish I could even entertain the notion that what happened with me was rare.

 

I also relate to the tapes. That's reason #1 I sought this place out. It's something that I alone can't stop. Asking for help is probably the hardest thing for me to do, but is also a necessity.

 

Thanks again,

 

PR

[Purple Rhino]

Holy shit, Purple Rhino!

...

 

I burned my Bible on moral grounds twelve years ago, and my ire against Christians has softened considerably since then, but that particular issue has only made me increasingly flamethrower angry as time has gone on.

 

Betrayal of trust.

 

We were told that those damned preachers, Christian counselors, psychiatrists, elders, etc. were to be trusted. We were told that they were guided by the highest of moral principles, not to mention the "indwelling of the Holy Spirit" of GOD FUCKING ALMIGHTY, and as things were presented, if those things were true, then it was reasonable for us to trust those authority figures.....

 

Now comes the cleanup. Clearly, you're a man of character and backbone. I know you can do it, and we're here to help in any way we can.

 

Also, I very much liked your personality as it showed through in your writing. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better as you work and play with us here.

Welcome!

Loren

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Wow Loren,

 

I thank you for all of your thoughts, encouragement and thought provoking words. I really need to digest this, even though I have read it three times so far. I relate so closely to your passion and only wish I had half of the ability to actually communicate it in a sane and comprehensive manner. I tend more towards rambling and ranting until I just loose the ability to find any more non-explitives to continue. LOL

 

I also appreciate the compliments on my character, I personally don't see any hints in my disertation but I'm not picky as to where the origins of a compliment are. I'm just pleased to get what I can.

 

I'm sure that I will enjoy my time here. Not only from the very nice responses to my post such as yours but also from reading the other posts of member on both sides of the cross. For the most part it seenms to be a safe place to learn and grow beyond the shackles that so many of us have gratefully shed.

 

So again thank you, and I'm sure we will be seeing eachother on the boards.

 

PR

[Lokmer]

Purple Rhino, Loren's words about your character seem dead on. Your writing reveals more about you than you know. Reading your story, I was struck, repeatedly, by your thoughtfulness, your deep passions, your strength of will, your struggle for and value of integrity, and your ability to pick yourself up after you've been ground down into the mud, dust off, and begin to build again.

 

Your story reads like an arduous climb up a mountain against a collection of foes throwing rocks at you from above. Your coming out to your parents, coming out of Christianity, and coming here for support is akin to finally climbing above the level of those who were pelting you and reaching a camping hospice at the next base camp. All of us here have been wounded, and some of us here were once wounders as well as wounded - it is a hard thing to come out of the hell-box brothel topped with a cross with your dignity and integrity intact. You seem to have done just that.

 

This is, indeed, a place to heal. Grab some coffee, smokes are in the humidor, brownies in the oven. Put your feet up, and enjoy the summer sunshine. You've been too long in the cave watching shadowplay on the walls. Time for the real drama to begin!

 

Welcome

-Lokmer