knightcore

My Parents Still Love Me

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So for those of you who missed the whole... saga I suppose? Here's a condensed version:

 

When I joined two years ago I was really struggling with a lot of things, and one of them was me being closeted. I was convinced I could never come out to my parents so I vented a lot of that grief and sorrow here. Fastforward a little, March 2017 I did come out to my parents in a letter. In April they finally wanted to meet with me and talk about things, it went better than expected because they didn't disown me and emphasized that they still love me. However they made it very clear they didn't support me at all and did not love this aspect of me. They repeatedly blamed me not being in Christianity anymore for all of this and talked about leading me back and prodigal's son this and that bla bla bla. They told me they wanted to stay in contact, and my dad made promises to be a better dad to me and really renew our relationship, which is a promise he makes annually and never follows through on.

 

Fastforward again, it's almost September, we're coming into an important month because it's two of my sibling's birthdays and I would really like to see them. I've been repeatedly asking my mom about it since the beginning of August, trying to make plans because I know she and my dad are going to put off talking about it like they do with anything they consider uncomfortable. I finally talked to her three days ago and I'm still... kind of crushed I guess? 

 

Basically it's my dad who mostly doesn't want me to come home. There was also a huge discussion about where I would sleep. Can't sleep in my sister's room anymore because I'm a man, can't sleep in my brother's room because I'm a GAY man. They got a sofa bed which, honestly, is very very big for them and a huge gesture. I was genuinely touched by that and especially that my dad instigated that whole effort to my understanding. So hopefully by the holidays I will be able to come home if they come around.

But the birthdays are.... more questionable. My dad really doesn't want me around at all. Sometimes he's okay and can talk about me and sometimes he can't even mention me. My mom is afraid if I come over before he's ready it will set everything back ten steps which I understand.

 

She started crying about stuff because it's hard for them to deal with me, and I'm still their daughter and they just want to avoid me and ignore this whole thing, but they're not for the sake of the family and because they love me. She said I do the same (I do not) by staying in [redacted] (where I live) and being with people who accept my lifestyle. Which is... not relatable at all because I constantly make an effort to communicate, to come over, to see them whenever possible. I'm not ignoring anything.

At that point I was crying too, because I haven't seen my brothers since March. I told her that I missed them and it was hard. Then she told me it was all my fault and choice, as if I was the one who chose to keep my family away from myself. When all I did was try to be authentic to them.

 

I miss my family. They've all hurt me a lot in different ways, but I miss them. I'm being deliberately kept from them because my parents can't deal with me, and in my sister's case so I don't make her more bisexual (she came out to me first, I had literally nothing to do with it). I haven't been there since last Christmas, and I want to see our dog before she passes away. I have ruined something for my family and I do regret that, but I don't regret being honest like they taught me and I was so tired of holding everything in for ten years. I knew it would be hard and I knew I would be blamed, I guess I just expected most of this at the initial coming out and not in the aftermath growing worse over time.

 

I have to get ready for work now but it was suggested I put this here, and I really needed to get the whole thing off of my chest.

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Wow night core. It sucks that your having to go through this. Hopefully they will come around. At least they are making steps toward accommodating your stay with them for the holidays. I am debating coming out of the closet on my deconversion and worry about a similar response. 

 

When my son told me he was bi and didn't care whether he dated a boy or a girl I had to drag it out of him. I'm claiming awesome dad title for my instant acceptance of this with him. 😁 I could tell he was relieved. I was told by a gay co-worker that the dad is always the hardest to tell. At this point he is dating a girl. But like I tell him I just want him to be happy.

 

I think that eventually your parents love for you will win over their issues with you being gay. I don't really get the whole not sleeping in your siblings room tho..... I mean even if you are gay..... it's still your brother. But anyway. I wish the best for you. People in general don't like change. Hopefully this is just a matter of adjusting to the change. 

 

Dark Bishop

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1 hour ago, knightcore said:

 

I have ruined something for my family and I do regret that, but I don't regret being honest like they taught me and I was so tired of holding everything in for ten years.

 

 

 

knightcore, I am soooo sorry you have to go through this. One thing you have to realize is that this is not your fault. Your parents are highly brainwashed, therefore to accept your sexuality and your non-belief is their problem. Unfortunately, their problem affects you and I feel so bad for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and tell you what the solution is but I don't know. Can you write them a little letter stating that they were the ones who taught you to be honest? Keep us posted on how this goes. We got your back sweetie. 

 

Please read the letter I wrote 5 years ago to the young people on Ex-c to help give you some encouragement. And I hope it does.

 

 

Big (hug)

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Wow Margee, that letter of yours is terrific!  I hadn't read it before - thanks for linking to it!

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6 hours ago, Margee said:

knightcore, I am soooo sorry you have to go through this. One thing you have to realize is that this is not your fault. Your parents are highly brainwashed, therefore to accept your sexuality and your non-belief is their problem. Unfortunately, their problem affects you and I feel so bad for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and tell you what the solution is but I don't know. Can you write them a little letter stating that they were the ones who taught you to be honest? Keep us posted on how this goes. We got your back sweetie. 

 

Thank you Margee, I honestly think I've read your letter at least three times now. It's always an encouragement and so are you. Also I wrote them a letter when I came out and did include that I was just trying to be authentic as they taught me to, so I don't know that a second letter will help. I will definitely update as things progress as per usual, feel like there will be at least one more in September depending on whether I'm allowed to see my siblings.

 

6 hours ago, DarkBishop said:

Wow night core. It sucks that your having to go through this. Hopefully they will come around. At least they are making steps toward accommodating your stay with them for the holidays. I am debating coming out of the closet on my deconversion and worry about a similar response. 

 

When my son told me he was bi and didn't care whether he dated a boy or a girl I had to drag it out of him. I'm claiming awesome dad title for my instant acceptance of this with him. 😁 I could tell he was relieved. I was told by a gay co-worker that the dad is always the hardest to tell. At this point he is dating a girl. But like I tell him I just want him to be happy.

 

I think that eventually your parents love for you will win over their issues with you being gay. I don't really get the whole not sleeping in your siblings room tho..... I mean even if you are gay..... it's still your brother. But anyway. I wish the best for you. People in general don't like change. Hopefully this is just a matter of adjusting to the change. 

 

Dark Bishop

 

I'm glad your son has such a supporting father, I really wish I had that aha. I'm hoping everyone is right about love winning out. I really really do.

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Well this thread isn't locked yet so I'm just gonna post an update here. I've seen both of my parents in the past two weeks on separate occasions. Last Saturday I saw my mom and sister and things went relatively well all things said and done. I asked my mom if in November my sister could come stay with me, and in front of my sister she was in full agreement but when we were alone later she told me it probably was not going to happen. I understand why she didn't want to start anything in front of my sister (it was at her color guard competition so she didn't want to distract her), but it was still kind of a shit move.

 

Saw my dad yesterday, he texted me in the morning letting me know he would be in town and I told him if he wanted to grab coffee on my break at work I'd be more than happy to. He wound up coming late evening and we got coffee and split a sushi roll. He was pretty even tempered the whole time but constantly referred to me by my full birthname instead of the nickname I have asked them to use. Which I will also note is one they were previously fine using and almost exclusively used for me anyways. He also kept calling me his daughter repeatedly and it was tiring. He's set up something where I can see my brother at the end of the month, and apparently my brother has really been struggling with my coming out and hasn't wanted much to do with me. Which I suspected but still hurt to hear. But I'm helping him do his Halloween makeup which will be a lot of fun.

I think the worst part was my dad saying to me "See I'm not being the bad guy this time" and making it seem like I always put him in a bad light. I don't do that, I've made excuses for him my whole life but he's still an exceedingly controlling and sometimes emotionally abusive person and I felt so manipulated in hindsight when he did that because of course I had to tell him oh no you're not the bad guy we just have different views on things. To which he responded that he's just old fashioned (something he says every time he doesn't like something) and proceeded to launch into this allegory of me being in a lifeboat out at sea and my family being on the boat and how my tie to the boat is loose but he hasn't cut it yet. Something something lost sheep etc etc.

He so firmly believes I'll come back to my senses and the church and stop my transition and it hurts but I think I always knew deep down that he won't change and I'm very tired of people telling me that he will.

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On 8/30/2017 at 7:23 AM, knightcore said:

So for those of you who missed the whole... saga I suppose? Here's a condensed version:

 

When I joined two years ago I was really struggling with a lot of things, and one of them was me being closeted. I was convinced I could never come out to my parents so I vented a lot of that grief and sorrow here. Fastforward a little, March 2017 I did come out to my parents in a letter. In April they finally wanted to meet with me and talk about things, it went better than expected because they didn't disown me and emphasized that they still love me. However they made it very clear they didn't support me at all and did not love this aspect of me. They repeatedly blamed me not being in Christianity anymore for all of this and talked about leading me back and prodigal's son this and that bla bla bla. They told me they wanted to stay in contact, and my dad made promises to be a better dad to me and really renew our relationship, which is a promise he makes annually and never follows through on.

 

Fastforward again, it's almost September, we're coming into an important month because it's two of my sibling's birthdays and I would really like to see them. I've been repeatedly asking my mom about it since the beginning of August, trying to make plans because I know she and my dad are going to put off talking about it like they do with anything they consider uncomfortable. I finally talked to her three days ago and I'm still... kind of crushed I guess? 

 

Basically it's my dad who mostly doesn't want me to come home. There was also a huge discussion about where I would sleep. Can't sleep in my sister's room anymore because I'm a man, can't sleep in my brother's room because I'm a GAY man. They got a sofa bed which, honestly, is very very big for them and a huge gesture. I was genuinely touched by that and especially that my dad instigated that whole effort to my understanding. So hopefully by the holidays I will be able to come home if they come around.

But the birthdays are.... more questionable. My dad really doesn't want me around at all. Sometimes he's okay and can talk about me and sometimes he can't even mention me. My mom is afraid if I come over before he's ready it will set everything back ten steps which I understand.

 

She started crying about stuff because it's hard for them to deal with me, and I'm still their daughter and they just want to avoid me and ignore this whole thing, but they're not for the sake of the family and because they love me. She said I do the same (I do not) by staying in [redacted] (where I live) and being with people who accept my lifestyle. Which is... not relatable at all because I constantly make an effort to communicate, to come over, to see them whenever possible. I'm not ignoring anything.

At that point I was crying too, because I haven't seen my brothers since March. I told her that I missed them and it was hard. Then she told me it was all my fault and choice, as if I was the one who chose to keep my family away from myself. When all I did was try to be authentic to them.

 

I miss my family. They've all hurt me a lot in different ways, but I miss them. I'm being deliberately kept from them because my parents can't deal with me, and in my sister's case so I don't make her more bisexual (she came out to me first, I had literally nothing to do with it). I haven't been there since last Christmas, and I want to see our dog before she passes away. I have ruined something for my family and I do regret that, but I don't regret being honest like they taught me and I was so tired of holding everything in for ten years. I knew it would be hard and I knew I would be blamed, I guess I just expected most of this at the initial coming out and not in the aftermath growing worse over time.

 

I have to get ready for work now but it was suggested I put this here, and I really needed to get the whole thing off of my chest.

Your story reconfirms my commitment to always cherish and accept my children in love, no one deserves to be treated with such indignity by their parents.  I'm sorry this has happened to you. :(

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Knightcore, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your family. Religion is such a mind fuck and it screws up so many families.

 

But you're really smart. You know and are aware of the manipulation that is going on. That's really good. Always be aware of that 'tactic'. So just keep being respectful and you may very slowly win your way back in. They may never accept that you do not believe as they but it would be nice to remain part of the family regardless. Hopefully, they will also treat you with respect. If they don't, you might have to find another way. It's important that you make it clear that you want to be respected.  Keep us posted to how it's going! Best of luck hon. (hug)

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On 10/14/2017 at 4:39 PM, knightcore said:

He so firmly believes I'll come back to my senses and the church and stop my transition and it hurts but I think I always knew deep down that he won't change and I'm very tired of people telling me that he will.

Super frustrating and painful. I'm so sorry your family can't or won't give you what you need and want. Love is freely given and anyone who withholds love from their child is the one who loses out while hurting their child in the process. Your strength of character speaks for itself.  I'm sorry they can't or refuse see that. Thank you for sharing.

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