My Brother-In-Law Found Out + My Letter to Him

[Insightful]

Hi Everyone.

 

Those of you who know my story know that my believing wife has a strongly fundamentalist family - all three of her brothers, their families, and her Dad...  I've been a non-believer for almost 5 years.  My wife and I have decided to keep this from her siblings/dad to make family gatherings easier and to prevent awkward conversations with them.  My wife does not like being conspicuous or pitied as "the one married to the unbeliever"...  Well, word got around to her oldest brother - a strong believer, an elder in a very fundamentalist church, and the general watchdog of the beliefs of the family...  When I heard that he knew, I reached out to him and asked him to be VERY gentle with my wife as this is an incredibly sensitive area for her.  He agreed and asked to meet with me...  I didn't see any good coming from that so, instead, I opted to write him a letter explaining my beliefs...  Here it is (below).  As of now, my wife does not know that he knows.  He will probably reach out to her soon.  I'm a bit anxious that it will "stir the pot" and remind her of all of the things she hates about being married to an unbeliever... Anyway, here's my letter to him.  I'm proud of how I was able to articulate my beliefs without attacking his and without being timid or afraid to be me =)

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Hi [Bro-in-Law],

 

Leaving [his fundamentalist, calvinist, cult-like church] in 2010 gave me the opportunity to consider what I truly believed as an individual, rather than believing certain things because everyone around me believed them.  Between 2010 and 2013, some key things happened in my life (and in my understanding of life in general) that caused me to question specifically the idea of Divine Providence – that a good God is working all things out for good for his children, me being one of them.  By 2012, I had growing doubts as to the claims of Evangelical Christianity.  Ultimately, I lost faith in Providence.  With a shattered belief in Providence, there was no longer a driving force to stuff my many intellectual doubts about the Bible and the Christian worldview.  By the summer of 2013, I knew that my beliefs had shifted to the point that I could not rightly call myself an Evangelical Christian – and I have not since.

 

I speak specifically of “Evangelical Christianity” because I do not reject all Christian values and ideals.  Although I would include “Liberal Christian” as something I identify with - along with “Humanist” and “Agnostic” – I would not, by the evangelical definition, be considered a Christian.  In terms of what I now believe, each of those three terms captures values that are important to me.

 

I identify with the term “Agnostic.”  It is my belief that the existence of a god or gods – or the nature of any God that might exist - is not knowable with the evidence I have personally considered.  I accept the unknowability of things outside/beyond this life. 

 

I identify with the term “Humanist.”  I value reason and science over supernatural claims to knowledge about the human condition.  I believe that humans have dignity and worth by virtue of our existence and I have a compelling desire to seek the betterment of my fellow man.

 

I identify with the term “Liberal Christian”.  I value many things taught by Jesus/ the Bible - forgiveness, love, humility, compassion, and justice - and seek to live out these values in my life. 

 

Here is a “Creed” that I wrote out about a year ago that summarizes my thoughts about things.  It starts with what I no longer believe and progresses to what I do believe.

 

·        I do not believe that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant word of God.  I acknowledge (rather than explain away) the problems with the Bible – legendary elements, moral problems, contradictions, etc.

 

·        I strongly doubt the historicity of the resurrection, the virgin birth, and the miracles.

 

·        I am unconvinced of both the existence and the non-existence of God.  I believe that the evidence we presently have is insufficient to reach a conclusion either way.

 

·        I strongly doubt the existence of heaven and hell.  I strongly doubt the existence of a conscious

afterlife.

 

·        I do not believe that God, if He exists, will inflict eternal suffering upon us based on whether or not we believed in certain (unprovable) propositions and alleged miraculous events.      

 

·        I do not believe that people, by virtue of simply being born, are inherently evil and worthy of damnation. 

 

·        I do see in Jesus of Nazareth wisdom, lofty ethics, and a beautiful heart of compassion

for the poor and the outcast.  They are worthy of admiration and emulation.

 

·        I appreciate (and even celebrate) the broader Christian themes of grace, forgiveness, redemption, purpose, and hope.

 

·        I believe in an ancient earth, evolution, and secular-psychology’s explanations for human

behavior.

 

·        I believe in living fully, loving sacrificially, and giving compassionately.   I treasure love, justice, truth, and mercy.

 

·        I believe in working hard, loving my wife and being faithful to her, loving my children and raising them to be hard-working, ethical, compassionate people.

 

·        I believe in science and reason over faith and doctrine. 

 

·        I believe that actions accomplish more than prayers.

 

·        I believe that each of us - as human beings - has a responsibility to help create a just world.  

 

[End of Creed]

 

I do not believe that life is meaningless.  I do not lack hope or a sense of purpose in my life.  I am not an existential nihilist.  I do not require a strongly defined theological framework to have joy, hope, meaning, and purpose.  I also do not see my present worldview as a license to “sin” (to use Christian vocabulary).  Although I probably could not provide a robust defense for the existence of moral absolutes in an agnostic paradigm, I do believe that our lives are imbued with a moral dimension – that moral choices do exist, and that moral decisions have implications for the people we become and the impact and legacy we leave behind.  I also recognize that some issues can be morally gray and that is OK.

 

I fully recognize that this is very different from where I was 6 or 7 years ago.  I am also fully aware that this has an inestimable impact on [my wife] in countless ways.  Her life has been completely altered through no fault of her own.  She made every effort to marry someone who shared her worldview – and now she finds herself married to someone who does not.  I can’t imagine the depth of sadness and disappointment she faces continually.

 

I recognize that I am the one whose beliefs changed, not her.  I am committed to honoring her right to believe and practice her faith however she desires.  I support (and gladly watch the girls) whenever she wants to spend time with people who will encourage her in her faith.  I also recognize that these are but miniscule consolations in light of all that she has lost. 

 

[My wife] is free to teach our girls whatever she would like.  We agree that because I am the one who changed, Christianity is the default belief system in our home.  I happily support sending the girls to [Christian school], to church, etc.  I do not, however, lead the family in any type of Bible study or devotional time.  I make no effort to block the development of faith in their hearts.  I also do not pretend to know the answers to difficult theological questions, nor do I defend God from their often-piercing questions.  I encourage them for asking a good question, I acknowledge the tension in their concern, I express that I do not know the answer, and I refrain from indoctrinating them.  Whenever possible, I try to model for them compassion and generosity – through the orphan care movements we support, with personal care to the homeless, etc.  And I would (and do) tell them that caring for the hurting is near to Jesus’ heart.  I can say that with integrity.

 

I hope that gives you a sense for where I am at and what our family life looks like.

 

My purpose in writing is so that, by understanding my beliefs and practices, you can understand  [My wife]'s life.  I am not inviting a further probing of the experiences that were at the center of my loss of faith in Providence, nor am I desiring discussion/debate on the theological issues that proved insurmountable for me.  I already have a deep understanding of the Christian perspective on them – from my own deep studies and contemplations, as well as my own consultations and counseling times with various pastors.  I am also painfully aware of the limited categories afforded to me by the believing community: “never truly believed/was saved,” “really wants to live a life of sin,” “proud,” “deceived,” “deluded,” etc.  There is no category for: “Believed with all of his heart, felt the painful absence of God in his darkest hour, fought for dear life to hang on, honestly wanted to believe but found the evidence lacking, let go of faith in tears, came out the other side a good man who lived a good life that blessed others.”   I also do not need to be understood, accepted, or affirmed.  I know it’s not possible.  I have peace.

 

Thanks for reading. 

 

With love and gratitude,

[me]

[Guest]

Good letter! I think most of us can identify with that last paragraph. I too wanted to mention those categories (in my letter to my parents) that I'm now placed in, and the lack of acknowledgement/understanding for what were the darkest days of my life. But in the end, it is useless. People want to hang on to their faith, its more important and less dangerous than acknowledging a difficult subject. The easier option is always to demonize or label the non-believer as proud, deceived, and sin loving. The best thing one can do is let go, realize you have no control in this area, and find relationships with people  who accept you without labels. All the best, I hope it goes well!

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Very well stated! I like that you included who you are now, your character and behaviors that are loving and gracious.

[sdelsolray]

A superb letter - honest, intelligent and thorough, among other worthy attributes.  I think your statement that you are not interested in discussing your change in beliefs with your brother in law sets a reasonable boundary.  You will learn more about his human character in your observations of how he responds.  Your primary focus on your nuclear family is admirable and unassailable.

 

Again, superb letter.

[mymistake]

You are very brave.  I hope they take it well.  If things get heated remember you can start with "I don't want to talk about it" and "Please respect my beliefs the way you would like me to respect your beliefs".  I like your efforts to minimize confrontation.  I hope you keep us updated on how things go.

[MOHO]

Well done, @Insightful!

 

Yes, the last paragraph speaks to many here. 

    1. This is where I am.

    2. This is how I got here.

    3. I've heard all I want to about what you think you know, or what you WANT people to believe, about how I got here. 

    4. I don't need you to attempt to re-indoctrinate me.

 

The way the asshole pastor at Mrs. MOHO's church attempted to provoke me into admitting to wanting to sin as my reason for deconverting was borderline blackmail!

Pastor Asshole: "You need to come clean with whatever you are doing that you would just like to continue doing! Is it pornagraphy? Drinking? Giving yourself credit for an                   accomplishment instead of giving it to God?

 

MOHO: "No! YOU just need to stop your feeble-minded attempts at coercion you coke-socking, mother-trucker"! (OK, I was only THINKING that. Wish I had the intestinal fortitude to actually SAY that.)

[Insightful]

8 hours ago, MOHO said:

Well done, @Insightful!

 

Yes, the last paragraph speaks to many here. 

    1. This is where I am.

    2. This is how I got here.

    3. I've heard all I want to about what you think you know, or what you WANT people to believe, about how I got here. 

    4. I don't need you to attempt to re-indoctrinate me.

 

The way the asshole pastor at Mrs. MOHO's church attempted to provoke me into admitting to wanting to sin as my reason for deconverting was borderline blackmail!

Pastor Asshole: "You need to come clean with whatever you are doing that you would just like to continue doing! Is it pornagraphy? Drinking? Giving yourself credit for an                   accomplishment instead of giving it to God?

 

MOHO: "No! YOU just need to stop your feeble-minded attempts at coercion you coke-socking, mother-trucker"! (OK, I was only THINKING that. Wish I had the intestinal fortitude to actually SAY that.)

 

Thank you everyone for the encouragement!!  Even 6 months ago, I would have tried to lay out all of my reasons, believing them to be quite compelling and logically sound... only to have them fall on deaf ears and lead to further frustration on my part... which would also leave me feeling even more alone and misunderstood.  I can't remember who it was, but someone recently shared a "coming out" letter that avoided the theological reasons and stuck to just the relationship-with-that-person part.  I was impacted by the wisdom of that...   

 

It feels really empowering to get to a place where I can honestly say: "I don't need you to understand.  I don't need your sympathy / empathy / admiration / respect / etc.  AND, more than that, I'm ready for you to stick WHATEVER label you choose on me that makes MY STORY fit in YOUR WORLDVIEW in a way that reduces your worldview-dissonance."

 

MOHO - you made me laugh out loud with your wife's pastor's "name".  =)

 

The reason  is not allowed to be:  "The evidence just wasn't there!!" 

 

[★ Citsonga ★]

That's a great letter. You articulated yourself very well. The only exception is this line:

 

On 3/30/2018 at 7:16 PM, Insightful said:

With a shattered belief in Providence, there was no longer a driving force to stuff my many intellectual doubts about the Bible and the Christian worldview.

 

That one sentence is a little confusing on the first reading, but I'm guessing that by "stuff" you meant suppress. I think he'll be able to get the gist of what you meant, though, even if confusing at first.

 

My only other comment pertains to this:

 

On 3/30/2018 at 7:16 PM, Insightful said:

Her life has been completely altered through no fault of her own.

 

I agree, but also keep in mind that it wasn't your fault, either. You are not the reason that the religion turned out to be false. It just is, and you just happened to find that out.

 

Anyway, once again, it is a superb letter. I hope his reaction is fair and reasonable rather than the typical fundy condescending nonsense. Good luck as you move forward....

 

[midniterider]

On 4/2/2018 at 11:39 AM, MOHO said:

Well done, @Insightful!

 

Yes, the last paragraph speaks to many here. 

    1. This is where I am.

    2. This is how I got here.

    3. I've heard all I want to about what you think you know, or what you WANT people to believe, about how I got here. 

    4. I don't need you to attempt to re-indoctrinate me.

 

The way the asshole pastor at Mrs. MOHO's church attempted to provoke me into admitting to wanting to sin as my reason for deconverting was borderline blackmail!

Pastor Asshole: "You need to come clean with whatever you are doing that you would just like to continue doing! Is it pornagraphy? Drinking? Giving yourself credit for an                   accomplishment instead of giving it to God?

 

MOHO: "No! YOU just need to stop your feeble-minded attempts at coercion you coke-socking, mother-trucker"! (OK, I was only THINKING that. Wish I had the intestinal fortitude to actually SAY that.)

 

 

I'm doing all those things , Mr Pastor plus I'm gay and masturbate with a Ouija board also.