How did you break your parents’ hearts?

[Lydie]

Hey there ex-ch family.

 

My parents are deep into the church, Grandfather was a minister, all that jazz. Everything that comes from their mouths is a biblical platitude or homily.

 

I’ve been in the closet about my atheism. Mainly because it will start them on a campaign to ‘win me back for Christ’ and also because it will genuinely break my mum’s heart. She will start ‘endless prayer and supplication’ until I say I’m born again again.

 

I’ve been lying, being evasive for years now, but it means I can’t be honest with my child as she parrots everything to the olds. They sincerely believe atheism is a form of demonic possession.

 

How have you handled it? I’m tempted to go on like this until they both pass away (could be 30/40 years going by the record of oldest person alive today).

[ConsiderTheSource]

I lost my last sibling and my last patent 13 years ago at the young age of 45.  I fully disposed of religion 5 years later.

 

Yes, waiting is a strategy.  And, it makes the "coming out" so much easier.  But, you are severely constraining your one and only singular existence in the meantime.  It is definitely an individual choice, with out a right answer, with any choice leading to hurtful consequences of one kind or another.

[Ellinas]

Depends on the family dynamic.  For me, this issue relates to my wife rather than my parents (neither of whom now live anyway).

My approach with Mrs E is a gradual withdrawal to the absolute minimum of church involvement that I can achieve without walking out altogether.  She seems to have accepted that.  I have avoided being confrontational because she has deep social, familial  and psychological ties to the place, and I am not inclined to distance myself from her.

With parents, moving away may be an option

[Lydie]

Thanks for the answers.

I already live 2 hours away and am just vague and evasive about church topics. I have not been to church for 2 years. She does not know we don’t go at all. When she asks ‘what was church about ‘ I say, oh I overslept and didn’t make it or some bs like that.

[LogicalFallacy]

Hi @Lydie

 

If you are 'fairly' young (Judging from the expected 30/40 years for your parents to pass away you appear to be so) then I would look at 'coming out'.

 

Why? Because its your life, you ain't gonna live forever, and you need to do things your way... to quote a Bon Jovi song.

 

My parents have around the same amount of time to go - they believe they are going in the 'rapture' and will be forever young. However my mothers parents are dead, and my fathers are sadly looking like they might not make another decade.  So in 2016 I told them straight up that I no longer believed in God. Certainly there were tears, and anguish and from what I heard much prayer (Effective as usual) But its no your fault that your parents may choose to act this way.

 

I think you probably should think about what you want in life, and ask yourself if hiding for the majority of it is the best way to spend your decades in the sun. Because it will end in a few decades, possibly sooner. Live while you are alive.

[Lydie]

Thanks for your thoughtful answer LogicalF.

 

I know my parents, extended family and Christian friends wholeheartedly believe that saying you are not Christian means you are

• promiscuous 

• sleep with people’s husbands

• have an abortion once a week

• steal

• lie and be dishonest whenever there’s a chance

• do drugs

 

They will be scared for their kids to be around me. 

[LogicalFallacy]

10 minutes ago, Lydie said:

Thanks for your thoughtful answer LogicalF.

 

I know my parents, extended family and Christian friends wholeheartedly believe that saying you are not Christian means you are

• promiscuous 

• sleep with people’s husbands

• have an abortion once a week

• steal

• lie and be dishonest whenever there’s a chance

• do drugs

 

They will be scared for their kids to be around me. 

 

Yes, basically so do mine. Again we cannot help what people think, but we can show by our actions that they are wrong. That we can be and are moral. Also some hard data might wake them up - its mostly Christians doing the things you listed. It's amazing how many murders believe in God.

 

A dear friend once told me when I was struggling through similar issues that in regards to the moral side was to simply be moral and by your life they will see you are not some baby eating atheist worshiping satan. That doesn't mean you'll agree on every issue, but if you be a good person that is what counts.

 

I don't know how to deal with the kids issue. Some other members may be better suited to answer. I'd say the best you can do if you come out, is to tell them you are basically the same good person. You aren't some crazy wacko, you are just a person who wants to see her cousins/nieces/nephews etc. 

 

Do you have friends and a social life outside of Christianity? Because if you do, then ultimately if your family shuns you, then you still have a social circle. The question is would you prefer to live hidden in the hopes of maintaining a relationship, but always afraid someone will find out about your non believe, or would you prefer to be open, and take the relationship changes that may result. They may be minor, or they could be huge. You have to decide what is right for you, and your partner/kids if any.

[Guest]

I came out, I wrote them a letter as I thought it would be a better choice than having a very difficult conversation. And that they would have more time to digest it with a letter, and that way we could talk after everyone had time to adjust to the situation. At the end of the day we aren't responsible for others emotions. If I had had a choice I would have pretended longer but my parents are fundamentalist and it was difficult to hide. I've posted my letter under ex c life if you want to read it. 

[mymistake]

I don't know how your family dynamic works but I was expecting the news to travel through my family fast and for them all to call an intervention on me but that didn't happen.

 

I told my mother in a face to face conversation in my own home.  She didn't like that at all.  It was a difficult conversation.  Obviously when she went home she told my father.  Then . . . nothing else happened.  My parents decided among themselves that they were too embarrassed and they didn't tell anybody else.  Maybe I just lucked out but my parents are treating this like it's a shameful secret.  To this day I can't tell if any of my other relatives know.

 

Lydie, it sounds like your daughter is young.  When she gets old enough you are going to have to teach her the concept of respecting other people's beliefs by not letting them know you don't share those beliefs.  It's complicated but you will succeed if you lead through example.  Start with Santa when she figures out there is no Santa.  She has to join in on the deception because some deceptions are part of society.  "Respecting" Christianity even though you are not a Christian is a natural outgrowth of realizing there is no Santa.

[ag_NO_stic]

@Lydie, it's hard to tell how badly their hearts are broken. I don't think they realize how "far gone" I am lol, I make it a point not to really engage with them much anymore. When we go out to eat dinner with my parents, I am respectful about their Pharisaical dinner prayers and just look at the floor until they're done. When someone says they're praying for me, I just smile and say thank you....but I have been very clear with them.

 

Frankly, I will turn 26 soon and I think my parents still see me as a youngin. They tell me and/or other people that I "just have to work through things," that I'm a "Jacob who has to wrestle with the Lord and fight skepticism," that I'll understand much better when I have kids and can't just give children everything they want, etc. So I think they are sad at where I am, but they seem to believe it's just a phase. They also believe in "Once Saved Always Saved," so I just don't think they're worried or take me seriously. Pair all that with the fact that I have declared an "open mind,"  I've always been clear with my parents that if God were to reach out, I'd listen. I think that gives them hope....even though I have ruled out the Christian God as an option for any deity I'd ever be willing to worship. But until it decides to make contact, I will live my life as if there is nothing out there.

 

All of that to say, own your life. Their response is up to them, but you shouldn't have to pretend for decades.

[florduh]

As long as there are people who can't tolerate any opinion that's not theirs, there shall be problems. There shall be strained or severed relationships.

 

It occurs to me that your primary concern might be having an honest relationship with your children and raising them as YOU see fit. Emotional blackmail must not be the basis for your lives. Living a lie becomes a worse option the longer it continues, for eventually the lies must cease.

[MOHO]

Up until a few weeks ago I was vague and elusive with the fams regarding my belief system for fear of how others, especially Mrs. MOHO would take it.

 

I could take it no longer and simply stopped going to church. No excuses and no reasons. Just stopped going.

 

when the inevitable confrontation happened Mrs. MOHO let fly with a barrage of disconnected attempts at vilifying me. I did what I could to defend myself and point out how silly what she was saying actually sounded. I don't eat babies. I dont' rape and murder. And my Tuesday evening regimine of drowning little kittens is, largely, fake news. 

 

After the dust settled she stated that what she was mostly upset about was my hiding my beliefs. When I pointed out that we live in a society that tends to frown on those of my particular persuasion and that I have every intention of working to mitigate or eliminate this behavior, she actually understood and granted me some degree of quarter. 

 

At this point we are fine and just don't talk about it. I suspect that my arguments are compelling enough to give her pause. 

[Lydie]

I’m chewing through all these responses but I’m typing on a phone so will be brief. Thanks again for the support.

 

My child is actually now a teen. I’ve lied to her saying we don’t go to church because it’s boring. Not that it’s bullshit. She didn’t mind and I feel she never bought into it (clever girl) even though we were doing mid week bible study and the whole shebang.

 

I had my child outside of wedlock (grab your fainting couch) and was divorced after an abusive relationship. I live in a liberal part of the country. If I now add atheist to the list I’m pretty much done. They see me in a certain way and only because ‘I’m covered by the blood of the lamb’ (yuck) am i forgivable.

 

I’m quite isolated already and don’t really have friends and now I’m scared of losing my family. But I’m understanding how tiring being in the closet can be.

[disillusioned]

I think you should tell your parents. Think it through, decide how you want to approach it, what you want to say, what message you want to convey, and then just tell them. Do so understanding that it will be a very difficult thing for them to hear, so do it compassionately, but don't fall into the trap of letting them make you feel guilty about it. You're an adult, and you are entitled to believe what you believe, and to not have to lie about it.

 

When I told my parents, I went into the conversation completely understanding what it would mean to them, and what it meant to me. I knew that this was the worst thing I could possibly tell them. They would literally have preferred to hear that I had died. But, unfortunate as that is, that's their problem. They are adults. They can deal with it.

 

The approach I took was to tell them I wasn't a Christian, briefly explain how this came about, emphasise that I wasn't trying to convince them of anythign, and then let them ask questions. As it turned out, they had a couple questions at the time, and quite a few more later. I took pains to answer them clearly, but firmly. Since then, we haven't talked about it much in person, but my father and I have had a few very lengthy email chains surrounding various issues. We seem to have a tacit agreement that discussing such things over email is wiser than doing it in person.

 

All this is to say, it won't be easy, and you'll need to be careful, but you should definitely do it. If your parents are at all reasonable, they will end up respecting you more for it.

[LogicalFallacy]

20 minutes ago, Lydie said:

I’m quite isolated already and don’t really have friends and now I’m scared of losing my family. But I’m understanding how tiring being in the closet can be.

 

This was pretty much me, still is really. I was just mentioning to a friend last week that despite the fact I'm out of the closet I am still afraid of family reactions if I ever bring an 'atheist' woman home. Hi Mom, Dad, I have a girlfriend.... she's atheist like me :D. I can just imagine how that will go over lol.

 

This community is the only reason I'm not totally isolated - without the internet and these ex-C communities life would indeed be exceptionally isolated.

 

I wish I could tell you that it will all be fine, go ahead and tell them, be free and all will be fine. Unfortunately I can't. Everything could be fine, or it could go south quite fast. You have to weigh the risks of relationship loss vs being true to yourself and being free in who you are.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

I handled it with a brutal and explosive confession of the truth, at the time when I was independent enough that they couldn't effectively retaliate. You might not want to handle it quite as intensely as I did, but I would like to point out that it's not your job to sugar coat reality for your parents all your life. I know how it feels to not to want to hurt their feelings (we can't help loving them), but I personally think it's worse to deprive them ever of having an opportunity to know who you are, and even worse to deliberately deprive yourself of ever being seeing for who you actually are.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, DestinyTurtle said:

I handled it with a brutal and explosive confession of the truth, at the time when I was independent enough that they couldn't effectively retaliate. You might not want to handle it quite as intensely as I did, but I would like to point out that it's not your job to sugar coat reality for your parents all your life. I know how it feels to not to want to hurt their feelings (we can't help loving them), but I personally think it's worse to deprive them ever of having an opportunity to know who you are, and even worse to deliberately deprive yourself of ever being seeing for who you actually are.

Well said. When I was stuck on how I would hurt my parents by telling them about my non belief, it was my therapist who brought me around to the realization that I didn't only want to show my genuine self to my parents and have a relationship based in reality, but that I was also going against core principles of mine like honesty and openness, which are very important to me. By hiding it, I was only continuing patterns I had adopted my whole life in regards to what was expected of me in the church, in making sure that I conformed. It's true that your relationship could deteriorate quickly, but I think with time most parents come around to some form of acceptance if they want to continue being part of their children's lives. This has been the case with mine anyway. It's a different relationship and it takes time to rebuild, but it's a healthier one. I feel like we talk to each other like adults who have healthier boundaries. I think that is one of the pros of being honest.

[knightcore]

I dumped it all on my dad on the ride to school one day. I don't recommend that approach at all. It was emotional and explosive and reactionary on my part. If I could go back and do it again, I would write a letter like I did when I came out as transgender. The best way to break your parents' hearts is with distance for you both to process in my experience. That way they can't guilt you immediately while you're still vulnerable. It gives both of you time to think things through and not hurt each other more than necessary.