Forgiveness

[Anushka]

My mum and dad (especially my mum) harmed me a lot intentionally- verbal abuse, extreme controlling behaviour, stopping me from having friends- even female Christian friends who are from the exact culture we are from.

I heard something from my mum that showed that she literally can't stand me being happy or in love.

 

Even though we live under one roof, I stopped talking to them to a great extent because of my mum's continuing controlling behaviour.

 

But, sometimes I feel sorry for them. I mean they fed me, send me to school, gave me a good education. I have a good life only because of them.

 

But, the hurt they caused me and the shit I had to go through because of their EXTREMELY weird psychological games and controlling behaviour is too much for me to forget- mainly because I am still suffering the consequences of their actions.

 

If I start talking to them, they will start controlling me. This I know from over 25 years of experience.

 

And don't tell me that they don't know what they are doing. As I used to think the same.

They do know what they are doing, they just don't care.

 

They let and still let other people and society dictate their whole lives- they can stop now- I mean they are in their 50s - no one gives a fuck about their reputation except them.

 

My dad had gotten better towards me. But, because of my mum, I can't be close to him.

 

Just feeling so down.

 

I don't understand why I feel suicidal still- I have wayyy less anxiety issues, I have more confidence, I do about 50-60 percent of things that I want to in my life.

 

????

 

 

Can the way you want your life to be - be a contributing factor towards feeling suicidal? 

[disillusioned]

Anushka,

 

I'm very sorry to hear you are feeling suicidal. Please see a mental health professional if you are not already.

I will only say that it seems to me to be possible for what we want to contribute to suicidal feelings. Sometimes what we want isn't what we need. I can't speak to your situation, however.

 

Regarding your family, it sounds to me like you may need space. You are over 25. I would suggest moving out. Live your life on your terms for a while. If you don't want to talk to your parents, then don't. If their relationship with you is as you describe, then you don't really owe them much. But you may find that communicating with them in general is easier if you have space. My relationship with my parents improved greatly after I moved out. It's much harder to control someone who you don't see every day.

 

It might also be wise, if you haven't already, to have an open, clear, adult conversation with them. Certainly, if you are considering cutting off contact entirely, I would say that you should do this first.

[Anushka]

16 minutes ago, disillusioned said:

Anushka,

 

I'm very sorry to hear you are feeling suicidal. Please see a mental health professional if you are not already.

I will only say that it seems to me to be possible for what we want to contribute to suicidal feelings. Sometimes what we want isn't what we need. I can't speak to your situation, however.

 

Regarding your family, it sounds to me like you may need space. You are over 25. I would suggest moving out. Live your life on your terms for a while. If you don't want to talk to your parents, then don't. If their relationship with you is as you describe, then you don't really owe them much. But you may find that communicating with them in general is easier if you have space. My relationship with my parents improved greatly after I moved out. It's much harder to control someone who you don't see every day.

 

It might also be wise, if you haven't already, to have an open, clear, adult conversation with them. Certainly, if you are considering cutting off contact entirely, I would say that you should do this first.

 

Having a conversation with them is just not practical. I have tried that in the past- it just made matters worse. Having that kind of conversation with them is what really fucked up my life so much. It's funny how so many popular life solutions isn't right for every person. In the past, many people advised me to talk to my parents. So, I did. And I regret it to this very day.

 

I won't cut contact entirely unless they harm me physically.

[LostinParis]

Hello Anushka,

 

I agree with @disillusioned, it’s sounds like it’s time for you to temporarily move away from your parents. Do you have a friend you can stay with?

 

I moved out of home at age 17 because my mother was too controlling and overprotective. I lived in a friend’s garage for a few months, they were some of the best days of my life!

 

I have been suicidal too, but now I can see that it was just my brain desperately trying to find a way to escape my suffering. 

 

Sometimes it may seem like you have no other options but you do. Please talk to a professional who can help you to make a plan. 

 

Hugs

[florduh]

34 minutes ago, Anushka said:

won't cut contact entirely unless they harm me physically.

The greatest harm one can inflict is not physical. My thought is you should, must, remove yourself from the toxic influence that is doing you harm.

 

And please see someone about your suicidal thoughts, m'kay???

[sdelsolray]

47 minutes ago, Anushka said:

 

Having a conversation with them is just not practical. I have tried that in the past- it just made matters worse. Having that kind of conversation with them is what really fucked up my life so much. It's funny how so many popular life solutions isn't right for every person. In the past, many people advised me to talk to my parents. So, I did. And I regret it to this very day.

 

I won't cut contact entirely unless they harm me physically.

 

Consider the fact that you live with your parents and then consider the possibility of you not living with your parents.

 

Would the later be more sanguine, peaceful and healthy than the former?  If so, how will you make that occur?

[Anushka]

Yes, I do talk to Samaritans.

Yeah I am planning to move out after my studies next year.

No, haven't got a friend I can stay with.

I am worried about feeling lonely once I move out. I have read how millennials inspire of all the pictures they post on social media are lonely.

At least now, I can come home to my parents- at least they are there to take care of me.

[Bhim]

On 5/29/2018 at 6:07 PM, Anushka said:

And don't tell me that they don't know what they are doing. As I used to think the same.

They do know what they are doing, they just don't care.

 

Hi Anushka. As you asked, I won't tell you that your parents know what they're doing. In fact, since I don't know anything about them I really have no basis for saying so. However, from your own post I know that they've taken generally good care of you and that they support you financially and materially well into your adulthood. That suggests to me that they care about your well-being and that they have good intentions towards you. I'm just throwing out ideas here, but could it be that they want what is best for you but have woefully misinformed notions about what that is? Could it be that you and they have a vastly different set of values? These are things that can strain a relationship between parents and children but which are fairly natural and, in my experience, common. I'm in my mid-thirties and I spar with my dad on a pretty regular basis. We have vastly different personalities and get into petty fights on an almost weekly basis because - as I know you can relate - he's a typical overbearing Indian dad who wants to control his adult children. Despite that I love him deeply and know that I will miss our arguments someday when he's gone. We're both Trump voters though so we've bonded over this in recent years.

 

Both my parents have a plethora of annoying habits. But my journey to and from Christianity taught me that you don't need to like your parents in the same way you would friends or even a spouse in order to value spending time with them. Just last week my dad and I fought for an hour because I bought a car, and he thinks I should have bought a different model which in his opinion would have been a better deal. Did I mention I'm in my mid-thirties, that I am married, that I have a PhD and a job that pays even better than his, that I live in my own home, and that I am wholly financially independent from him? Back when I was a Christian I avoided my parents because I was worried their Hindu influences would sway me from Jesus, and this turned out to be a significant factor in my deconversion. Now I talk to them almost daily. My dad is annoying, but I wouldn't trade these fights for Jesus' Kingdom of Heaven. Maybe your parents are more annoying than mine. But based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like they are physically abusing you or doing anything else particularly heinous. As someone who was for a time separated from his parents due to Jesus, I implore you to put up with a few of their bad behaviors and maintain at least some kind of relationship with them.

 

Also, about the suicidal thoughts. You've had enough people here (rightly) lecture you about seeing a mental health professional. All I ask is that you not act on them, no matter the circumstances. We've already had two members of this forum recently meet an untimely end. I don't want to read a post from your mother telling us the same about you. Can you please tell us this will not happen?

[Anushka]

@Bhim

 

Yup I do talk to Samaritans about my suicidal thoughts.