Guilt over leaving

[Samuel]

One of the things I have struggled with in leaving Christianity is the guilt. 

 

Guilt of leaving family members behind, of leaving a community that raised me.

 

I feel bad about having to put up boundaries no matter how justified they are or how egregious the religious intolerance is. I feel bad about keeping the barriers up when I feel there might be some conciliation because I know I just need to get clear of it.

 

Then there are moments where I just feel bad. There are days when I just feel bad about how people who I cared about probably see me. I feel bad because I don’t think they understand that I really tried, and that my most honest response was to leave and reject beliefs which I found to be untrue. It hurts because they weren’t just my religion, they were my community, and I didn’t have any other growing up. It feels unfair to be honest and have that community reject you. If I’m honest I want to yell at them and say, “how can you reject me”? But then I know they would say well just come back and that’s not what I want at all... obviously. What I mean is that I wish that the community I was raised in accepted me as an atheist. It seems weird to ask that of a religious community, but is it? Was it my choice to be forced into it, to have all other communities condemned as evil and doors shut to them?

 

Its kind of like an intense lack of validation for which I feel guilt. I want that power this organization held over my life to stop.

 

 

 

[ToHellWithMe]

40 minutes ago, Samuel said:

What I mean is that I wish that the community I was raised in accepted me as an atheist. It seems weird to ask that of a religious community, but is it?

 

It is perfectly reasonable but it's probably impossible. If you were a prospective new member they just might cut you some slack at first. But you know it's different when it's someone already established.

 

On some level they know how it all might just be wishful thinking. That is probably something most of them have to deny and not face. Hence, someone bringing into daylight what they are afraid of is a threat.

 

Come out when you are ready to threaten them. That is, when you no longer stand to lose too much. Or never come out. I went the unenthusiasm route, where I simply said "nah, I don't wanna go to church, it's boring" etc. That didn't enrage my parents, only made them frustrated and helpless.

[disillusioned]

It's normal to feel guilt, too feel isolated,  even to feel regret for lost and damaged relationships.  I think it is very important to remember,  though, that the thing which had damaged these relationships is Christianity. It is their belief system which is at fault,  not you. I can't tell you how you should feel,  but it seems to me that this is a false sense of guilt. This one isn't on you. 

[MOHO]

4 hours ago, ToHellWithMe said:

On some level they know how it all might just be wishful thinking. That is probably something most of them have to deny and not face. Hence, someone bringing into daylight what they are afraid of is a threat.

 

BINGO!

[MOHO]

5 hours ago, Samuel said:

It hurts because they weren’t just my religion, they were my community, and I didn’t have any other growing up.

 

Most of us have been there. @Samuel.

 

We will be your community for a bit while you heal from the mind-fuck and the rejection. 

 

Those who rejected me at first are coming around. Humans are social aminals and, unless they are major pricks not worthy of you, they will still be your friends, fams, coworkers, antagonists etc. 

[TruthSeeker0]

9 hours ago, Samuel said:

One of the things I have struggled with in leaving Christianity is the guilt. 

 

Guilt of leaving family members behind, of leaving a community that raised me.

 

I feel bad about having to put up boundaries no matter how justified they are or how egregious the religious intolerance is. I feel bad about keeping the barriers up when I feel there might be some conciliation because I know I just need to get clear of it.

 

Then there are moments where I just feel bad. There are days when I just feel bad about how people who I cared about probably see me. I feel bad because I don’t think they understand that I really tried, and that my most honest response was to leave and reject beliefs which I found to be untrue. It hurts because they weren’t just my religion, they were my community, and I didn’t have any other growing up. It feels unfair to be honest and have that community reject you. If I’m honest I want to yell at them and say, “how can you reject me”? But then I know they would say well just come back and that’s not what I want at all... obviously. What I mean is that I wish that the community I was raised in accepted me as an atheist. It seems weird to ask that of a religious community, but is it? Was it my choice to be forced into it, to have all other communities condemned as evil and doors shut to them?

 

Its kind of like an intense lack of validation for which I feel guilt. I want that power this organization held over my life to stop.

 

 

 

I struggled with this. And then I came to the realization that I wasn't responsible for other people's reactions to my departure from the church, nor was I responsible for any of their emotions. This is pretty important. It was repeated to me over and over in therapy. I learned to see them as victims of the brainwashing I had undergone myself, as they are. And you can't do much for people who are victim to that, unless they start the questioning process themselves. Unfortunately, the fact that you're now rejected is a by-product of this brainwashing process, and it's their defense mechanism for keeping up the fences that now separate you from them. Instead of looking at you and actually considering your opinions, it's easier and less threatening for them to reject you outright as someone who is wrong. Remember that, and you'll waste less time trying to gain acceptance from them in some way.

I know it hurts, leaving behind a community and being rejected. It's important that you start reaching out and creating another kind of support network to replace that. You can start right here as this is also your community. We have a pretty great group chat on Discord if the forums don't feel like enough for you.

 

[Aries256]

Ill be blunt. Youre leaving behind a banquet of , starting a new life with freedom, to be who and what you want. There’s no need for guilt, you’ve been lied to, used, bilked for money and manipulated to feed the xtian empire of greed. Anyone who should feel guilt is the xtians, not you. 

[older]

On 8/23/2018 at 12:37 PM, TruthSeeker0 said:

I struggled with this. And then I came to the realization that I wasn't responsible for other people's reactions to my departure from the church, nor was I responsible for any of their emotions. This is pretty important. It was repeated to me over and over in therapy.

 

^ ^ ^

 

Re-read TruthSeeker again. This is it. Guilt is feeling bad about how others feel, but you are NOT responsible for what other people think or feel.

 

Be kind, respectful and honest. Do what you know is right. After that, what others think or do is their problem.