Drifted away from God

[LeKopo]

Hi. Not sure who lurks these forums or who cares, but here's my story hoping someone can understand and relate.

It all started out with me going into depression and entering into darkness. It was scary, it was away from love and light. It felt like it was impossible to be normal ever again. I was in this state for about 2 months. Coming out of that, though, I was for some reason drawn to God. I was interested in the truth about existence. I would watch evolution vs creation, God vs Science, debates and it really felt like God was calling my name and drawing me to Jesus. There was a moment where it felt like I accepted Christ into my heart and believed he died for me. This pretty much started my supposed journey with God and my spiritual life. The first 3 months I was on absolute fire for God and had such strong faith. I went to church, read the Bible, prayed, etc. but it came to the point where I was living 2 lives. I was living my old life and doing the  things I used to do, spending time with old friends etc. and this cut me in half with God because it felt like I had to have sorrow and repent every time I'd turn away from that.

It got to the point where it felt there was nothing new to learn in Christianity and I started to look wider than Christianity and a little into Islam, and found that billions of people from different religions had the exact same conviction that they were going to heaven. And over a period of 2-3 months I drifted away from God, Christianity and started to circum back to my 5 senses. There was a point where I didn't have the passion for God and Christianity in my heart anymore and it felt like God's Spirit had turned away from me like a point of no return. I then had a mental breakdown and couldn't sleep for days and entered into a psychotic episode where I was seeing different things in people, delusions, couldn't eat, etc. I felt like an absolute zombie. People around me didn't understand and thought I was being weird so they couldn't help the fact I was really sick in the mind. My mum took me to the doctors and then transferred me to the hospital where I got medication and came into contact with mental health professionals. I then got sleep and started to heal and I feel back to how I was before depression and the roller coaster I went through.

But I still fear the lake of fire and punishment. I fear that God hates me and set some kind of curse on me. I also feel the sense of loneliness and emptiness, exactly how you do when you breakup with a lover in the real world.

My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear? Am I actually going to hell and how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear of doom and loneliness by breaking up with God.

[older]

Welcome LeKopo. You'll find many others here who have gone through similar issues.

 

2 hours ago, LeKopo said:

My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear?

Yes to both. It takes time and sometimes professional help, but you will overcome this. The fact that you are here shows that you are taking steps in the right direction.

 

2 hours ago, LeKopo said:

Am I actually going to hell

Nope. You can't go to someplace that doesn't exist.

 

2 hours ago, LeKopo said:

how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear

That's what it comes down to: fear. People are afraid because someone else put that fear into their heads. Here's something to think about (not originated by me): You believed in a god that knows everything, is everywhere, and can do anything (but won't save kids from bone cancer). He sent himself to earth and then killed himself in order to avenge himself for a curse he put on us because one of our distant ancestors and a rib-woman ate fruit off a magical tree after being told to do it by a talking snake.

 

This makes absolutely no sense, but people believe it because other people have convinced them that bad things will happen to them if they don't. And those people are afraid. Afraid of death, of the unknown, of things over which they have no control. (Mark Twain once wrote: “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”)

 

At some point in the future, your fear will go away and you'll feel a great weight lift from your shoulders, and you'll experience a freedom you didn't know could exist.

[Geezer]

It helps to realize and accept that all religions are nothing more than ancient theological myths. They are not true in any literal or historical sense,. Their gods and main characters are fictional too.

 

Historians have yet to find a historical Jesus, and the Apostle Paul is also likely a fictional character as well. Simon Magus and Marcion are the most likely authors of Paul's Epistles and the creators of the Christian religion. 

 

Historians tend to date the Gospels being written from 90 AD to 125 AD. There were clearly written after 70 AD. Paul's Epistles were most likely written in the early part of the Second century.

 

If you want to know the truth about the Bible and the Christian religion you must read religious historians not apologist. Once you understand and believe, based on actual evidence, that the Bible is a collection of theological myths, and not a historical record of anything, leaving religion becomes much easier.

 

I wish you good fortune in your journey out of religion. This site should make your exit from religion easier.

 

 

[MOHO]

Hey, @LeKopo.

Welcome to Ex-C!

 

In short - yes - you will get over the fear and the other aspects of the indoctrination that you have been exposed to. I see you are a programmer, as am I. The brain can be programmed much like a computer - only it takes longer and more repetition, but the outcome is similar. Therefore it will take time and repetition. In this case reading science and theology written by historians. Real historians - not religious hacks who have a dog (money and power) in the fight. 

 

Congratulations on seeing the insanity for what it is and I hope you stick around and read/write more.

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

[Joshpantera]

I think god's left New Zealand, and people keep getting the memo! 

 

Kiwi's abound, Kiwi's abound at ex-C. Welcome aboard, Mate! We're three sheets to the wind as it were....

 

I have a sound track to this thread: 

 

 

[Dexter]

On 10/30/2018 at 7:26 PM, LeKopo said:

But I still fear the lake of fire and punishment. I fear that God hates me and set some kind of curse on me. I also feel the sense of loneliness and emptiness, exactly how you do when you breakup with a lover in the real world.

My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear? Am I actually going to hell and how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear of doom and loneliness by breaking up with God.

 

No such place, my friend. And even if there were, you'd still have all of us there with you to help each other through. 

[older]

51 minutes ago, Dexter said:

No such place, my friend. And even if there were, you'd still have all of us there with you to help each other through. 

Reminds me of once being confronted by a fundie who was trying to lay a trip onto me about going to Heaven rather than Hell. I said I'd rather go to Hell so I could be with my friends. He just looked at me and walked away.

[LeKopo]

It's really comforting to know there are people who have been through similar experiences and can relate. Everyone has their own opinion on what is the truth. It's just so hard because it's like breaking up with someone you love except it was Spiritual/mental instead of physical. And you start to ask how did I leave when it was my whole life. But then naturally questioned the faith, seeing how Muslims think about the Bible, seeing different views, and doing the things I used to do. Sometimes I feel it's also comforting to know we all once had that same level of faith. We were once so sure that every other religion was wrong. As time goes on the vividness of that Christian life becomes dimmer and I become more and more back to my physical senses. I also remember having panic attacks over certain parts of the Bible. In the end it was fear driven, but didn't start out that way. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

LeKopo, you are on the right track!  There is a wealth of experience and information here.  The Testimonial section (and others) should be very helpful.  And be sure to carry through with your medication regimen.   HANG IN THERE!!

[older]

22 hours ago, LeKopo said:

In the end it was fear driven,

 

I woke up last night thinking about your posts, and the significance of fear in the human psyche. I suppose we are conditioned to fear through evolution — if our ancestors in the jungle didn't have some fear, they'd be eaten. So, more than likely, fear was bred into us. And perhaps that's good in some cases. There are some things we rightly need to fear.

 

But one of the main tactics of a charlatan (or someone selling any product, for that matter) is to create a need that probably didn't exist and then pop up with just the solution for that need. Your hair is either too thick or too thin, or too dry or too oily, or too straight or too curly, or the wrong color. And here is just what you need. 

 

One of my favorite films is the 1962 classic The Music Man. A con man, Harold Hill, comes to River City to sell the citizens on buying uniforms and instruments to create a boys' band. But he doesn't know anything about music and plans to skip town after taking the money for the gear. But first he has to convince the citizens that they have a problem and that a boys' band is the solution. One of my favorite scenes is when he discovers that there is now a pool table in the town. Take a moment to check out the Youtube vid of this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI  (I can't find a clip of the part of this story where Prof. Hill says, "Observe me if you will, I'm Prof. Harold Hill, and I'm here to organize a River City Boys' Band." And he goes on to convince the citizens that a boys' band is the only way to save the town from the disaster of the pool table. Here's a link to the lyrics: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Meredith-Willson/The-Music-Man-Seventy-Six-Trombones  But treat yourself to a fun evening and watch the whole film.)

 

So stop now and watch the clip "Trouble" linked above. This is classic hucksterism and is a good demonstration of how a con artist whips up a frenzy about something of no consequence. (Note the similarity to current politics.) And religion is one of the main users of this technique. Christianity convinces you that you have a problem (that in reality does not exist) and that Christianity is the only solution. Just like Harold Hill. And to that, I say PTHPTHPTHPTH!

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

On 10/30/2018 at 8:26 PM, LeKopo said:

My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear? Am I actually going to hell and how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear of doom and loneliness by breaking up with God.

It gets Better. You will overcome this fear. The concept of hell is absolute poop and is nowadays used mostly to scare people. It works. This is why you're scared.

 

Depending on how deep your programming and trauma is though it may take a while. This is totally normal. I think the process took almost a decade for me? Buckle up and remember to breathe.

 

Welcome to X-Xian and I hope you find the guidance and support here that you're looking for  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

On 11/1/2018 at 11:35 PM, older said:

 And religion is one of the main users of this technique. Christianity convinces you that you have a problem (that in reality does not exist) and that Christianity is the only solution. 

 

Excelent advise in the 2 posts (and others) above.

 

Some call it a "self fulfilling prophecy".  A declaration, that if believed, helps itself to come true.  So religion convinces you that you are too stupid to figure out things for yourself, and if you want to be "saved", you have to do as they say.  

(A little sarcasm)  "Oh yes, before you leave the building, please give us a contribution so we can keep on convincing people of their stupidity, and their need for us."

[Jesus]

Deconverting is a slow process that takes time. My advice is to keep inspecting the rope so to speak. The rope would be the Bible and all its bullshit. Hell is a man made concept. It keeps you trapped in fear and prevents you from thinking for yourself.

You’re experiencing a hangover from religion. It’s going to take some time. What helped me was to continue to search out and debunk fallacies from the Bible until I could clearly see it was straight bullshit. It’s pure mythology just like Zues and all the other gods man invented. If there is a God we are all waiting for the unveil. Until then, just enjoy life. 

 

Take care 

[Joshpantera]

On 11/4/2018 at 9:24 PM, Weezer said:

Some call it a "self fulfilling prophecy".  A declaration, that if believed, helps itself to come true.  So religion convinces you that you are too stupid to figure out things for yourself, and if you want to be "saved", you have to do as they say.  

 

What more could we expect of a belief system invented by the priest class of a given ethnic religion? "Hey stupids, you need us?" 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

LeKopo, let us know how you are doing!

[Vartan]

Hi people , Vartan here , Orthodox Christian ~ Rancher ~ hope to come by now and again~ I'm not a missionary, don't wish to argue or convince anyone of anything or be interrogated ~ I get in trouble on Christian sites, get banned from them ~ I have a close family member who's lost their faith ~ read some here ~ I've no intent to lose faith or salvage that of another  ~ if I'm unwelcome or ruffle feathers here , I'll go away ```

 

Well I'm gona go read some , have a great day ```

 

 

Vartan

[Vartan]

Was that video HWY 50

[Vartan]

When the video ended ~ there was a box of several videos ~ one with Buddy Rich ( in a yellow turtle neck ) he was on a talk show ~ he did play the drums solo and with his band ~ nice ~ if you've time ```

[Joshpantera]

18 hours ago, Vartan said:

Hi people , Vartan here , Orthodox Christian ~ Rancher ~ hope to come by now and again~ I'm not a missionary, don't wish to argue or convince anyone of anything or be interrogated ~ I get in trouble on Christian sites, get banned from them ~ I have a close family member who's lost their faith ~ read some here ~ I've no intent to lose faith or salvage that of another  ~ if I'm unwelcome or ruffle feathers here , I'll go away ```

 

Well I'm gona go read some , have a great day ```

 

 

Vartan

 

Hi Vartan, welcome to ex-C.

 

The christian posters have dwindled in number, but there was once a lot of posting by christians here. You just have to keep in mind, most people are former and deconverting christians so it can be a tough crowd. But you're welcome to post here. Ask questions. The only thing that's not allowed is proselytizing to members outside of the Lion's Den forum: 

 

https://www.ex-christian.net/forum/6-the-lions-den/

 

But if you're not interested in missionary work and proselytizing then that shouldn't matter anyways. We're not going to just up and ban you if you're interested in posting here and abide by the forum guidelines. 

[♦ ficino ♦]

hello LeKopo, and hello, Vartan. Welcome. 

 

LeKopo, I have not been in places that you've been, but in other places, so I don't share the details, but the human condition, yes. The best you can do is work from what you know and from what you might not KNOW in a strict sense, but which stands up to testing over and over. The Bible does not do that. A hand across the waters in reality.

 

Vartan, are you Armenian? hello from a half Greek sort of. 

[Vartan]

Iyo Facino I am Hye ~ hello cousins ~ thanks for the welcome ```

 

 

[older]

On 11/15/2018 at 10:20 AM, Vartan said:

Was that video HWY 50

Perhaps. Between Fallon and Fernley. The loneliest highway in America. If you want to be alone, take that road from Reno to I-15. Just be sure your tank is full, your car is in good shape, and your cell phone works. (Is there even cell service out there?)

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Been there, done that.  One of the longest, lonely stretches of highway I have been on.

[Questioningone]

I relate to every single thing you posted 

[RealityCheck]

On 10/30/2018 at 8:26 PM, LeKopo said:

Hi. Not sure who lurks these forums or who cares, but here's my story hoping someone can understand and relate.

It all started out with me going into depression and entering into darkness. It was scary, it was away from love and light. It felt like it was impossible to be normal ever again. I was in this state for about 2 months. Coming out of that, though, I was for some reason drawn to God. I was interested in the truth about existence. I would watch evolution vs creation, God vs Science, debates and it really felt like God was calling my name and drawing me to Jesus. There was a moment where it felt like I accepted Christ into my heart and believed he died for me. This pretty much started my supposed journey with God and my spiritual life. The first 3 months I was on absolute fire for God and had such strong faith. I went to church, read the Bible, prayed, etc. but it came to the point where I was living 2 lives. I was living my old life and doing the  things I used to do, spending time with old friends etc. and this cut me in half with God because it felt like I had to have sorrow and repent every time I'd turn away from that.

It got to the point where it felt there was nothing new to learn in Christianity and I started to look wider than Christianity and a little into Islam, and found that billions of people from different religions had the exact same conviction that they were going to heaven. And over a period of 2-3 months I drifted away from God, Christianity and started to circum back to my 5 senses. There was a point where I didn't have the passion for God and Christianity in my heart anymore and it felt like God's Spirit had turned away from me like a point of no return. I then had a mental breakdown and couldn't sleep for days and entered into a psychotic episode where I was seeing different things in people, delusions, couldn't eat, etc. I felt like an absolute zombie. People around me didn't understand and thought I was being weird so they couldn't help the fact I was really sick in the mind. My mum took me to the doctors and then transferred me to the hospital where I got medication and came into contact with mental health professionals. I then got sleep and started to heal and I feel back to how I was before depression and the roller coaster I went through.

But I still fear the lake of fire and punishment. I fear that God hates me and set some kind of curse on me. I also feel the sense of loneliness and emptiness, exactly how you do when you breakup with a lover in the real world.

My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear? Am I actually going to hell and how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear of doom and loneliness by breaking up with God.

Does it get better?  The short answer is yes, the long answer is yes but it will take you time and mental deprogramming.  You may or may not have to seek counseling to aid in this detox but that will be up to you.