Christian counselor vs. not

[Mothernature]

I spoke briefly with a counselor about my family situation and she actually recommended that I may be better off to go for marriage counselling with my husband to a Christian counselor. She thought they are better trained in what his beliefs would be and so would be better able to assist. I believe if the counselors are registered they have to be neutral and would not try to sway either in either direction. Any experiences with this? I am not concerned that I could be swayed back into Christianity as I know too much to go back and my husband is too brainwashed to even hope that he would ever convert, so I am wondering if it actually would be better to go the Christian counselor route.

[florduh]

I have no experience in this area. All I can tell you is I wouldn't trust a Christian car mechanic, much less a counselor. But who knows - it all depends on the individual. It's just that their track record indicates they have only one priority, the religion.

[LogicalFallacy]

22 minutes ago, Mothernature said:

I spoke briefly with a counselor about my family situation and she actually recommended that I may be better off to go for marriage counselling with my husband to a Christian counselor. She thought they are better trained in what his beliefs would be and so would be better able to assist. I believe if the counselors are registered they have to be neutral and would not try to sway either in either direction. Any experiences with this? I am not concerned that I could be swayed back into Christianity as I know too much to go back and my husband is too brainwashed to even hope that he would ever convert, so I am wondering if it actually would be better to go the Christian counselor route.

 

I have no experience in this, but I do have some opinions - they should be taken as such.

 

Without knowing the context of your marital situation I am assuming the troubles are around his faith and the fact that you don't share it? I am assuming this because if it was say "you've lost your spark for each other" then there is no reason to recommend a Christian counsellor.

 

So assuming that, a counsellor who is Christian may be able to help if they hold the view that saving the relationship is the right thing to do and therefore sets aside any religious fears your husband has. If on the other hand they are a fundy Christian then their view may well be that he has not only a right but a biblical obligation to divorce you - that advice is not what you are wanting so choosing the right Christian counsellor is important if you decide to go there.

 

As far as being neutral - yes, but in a situation where you specifically ask them for their help from a religious understanding I have no issue with that. They simply should not push their views onto clients who have not asked for them. Neither should an atheist btw.

 

Regarding you not being swayed back into Christianity - this is great to hear. As mentioned the concern with a Christian counsellor is that their Christian 'advice' ends up being most unhelpful. (Mothernature you must become a Christian and love Jesus, or Mr Mothernature must divorce you. The only appropriate response to that is Fuck you.)

 

[LostinParis]

My husband was seeing a Christian counsellor for around 6 months, to help him with anger management. This was supposed to improve our marriage, however it made things worse. She actually recommended that my husband remain living under the same roof as our son even after he was violent with him. In my opinion she was not neutral.

 

Prayer fixes nothing. We are divorcing now.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Some "Christian" counselors are objective.....some are not.  I would suggest one from a more liberal denomination.   Since your husband would likely be more comfortable there, would it hurt to try at least one session?  

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I echo Florduh, believers have one objective, submission to Jesus. Counselors that have a Christian label will think of their work as a "calling" by the Imaginary One to base everything they say on the scriptures, as though they have a magic cure in them. There is no magic. In a relationship, there is compromise as you work together to form a household. But if you are pulling in very different directions, you need to reevaluate the point of being together (although being together lets you act as a faster reality check for the kids who have to deal with his crazy-making). Considering the other things you've posted about your husband, he has some serious behavioral issues around the kids. It's a hard situation. 

[★ Citsonga ★]

My son went to a good counselor for a while who's a liberal Christian, so some can be objective, but she wasn't advertising as a Christian counselor. I'd definitely steer clear of anyone listed as a "Christian counselor." If they feel the need to advertise as such, then there's a reason for it, and it ain't a good reason.

[Mothernature]

On 5/1/2019 at 10:06 PM, LogicalFallacy said:

Without knowing the context of your marital situation I am assuming the troubles are around his faith and the fact that you don't share it? I am assuming this because if it was say "you've lost your spark for each other" then there is no reason to recommend a Christian counsellor.

 

So assuming that, a counsellor who is Christian may be able to help if they hold the view that saving the relationship is the right thing to do and therefore sets aside any religious fears your husband has. If on the other hand they are a fundy Christian then their view may well be that he has not only a right but a biblical obligation to divorce you - that advice is not what you are wanting so choosing the right Christian counsellor is important if you decide to go there.

 

As far as being neutral - yes, but in a situation where you specifically ask them for their help from a religious understanding I have no issue with that. They simply should not push their views onto clients who have not asked for them. Neither should an atheist btw.

Yes, you've got that right. The troubles are around his crazy/harmful ideas of faith and my difference of opinion and how to work together to raise the kids. I almost welcome the idea of divorce! That sounds kind of good right now. However, I couldn't stand to be apart from my kids and I don't think a judge would deny him custody so we'd be looking at 50/50 I think. That is the only thing holding me back. That and because I want the kids to stay at the school they are going to, so I don't want to have to move and I don't think he'd willing move out. So, I am stuck here for now, for my kids.

 

On 5/4/2019 at 4:50 PM, LostinParis said:

My husband was seeing a Christian counsellor for around 6 months, to help him with anger management. This was supposed to improve our marriage, however it made things worse. She actually recommended that my husband remain living under the same roof as our son even after he was violent with him. In my opinion she was not neutral.

 

Prayer fixes nothing. We are divorcing now.

I'm sorry to hear that all that time in counselling was harmful rather than helpful. It shouldn't be that way. I'm happy that you and your children were able to get away from him! How are you guys doing now? Fortunately, my husband is good with the kids. Or maybe that's unfortunately as it would make it easier to leave. It's more his ideas with religion and the indoctrination that I feel are harmful to the kids and cause me a lot of emotional stress. If he so much as raised a finger to my kids or myself I would be out without hesitation.

 

On 5/4/2019 at 10:59 PM, Weezer said:

Some "Christian" counselors are objective.....some are not.  I would suggest one from a more liberal denomination.   Since your husband would likely be more comfortable there, would it hurt to try at least one session?  

Yes, I would agree. My area of the country is a little more liberal, so I don't think I'd get a fundamentalist counselor here anyway. I was thinking the same, try a session and see how it goes. I can always choose not to continue with that person. I think when I'm ready I will call around and see what I can find out before booking with any one particular person. I wonder if they'd disclose what religion they are when I call to inquire about an appt.

 

On 5/5/2019 at 12:57 AM, Fuego said:

I echo Florduh, believers have one objective, submission to Jesus. Counselors that have a Christian label will think of their work as a "calling" by the Imaginary One to base everything they say on the scriptures, as though they have a magic cure in them. There is no magic. In a relationship, there is compromise as you work together to form a household. But if you are pulling in very different directions, you need to reevaluate the point of being together (although being together lets you act as a faster reality check for the kids who have to deal with his crazy-making). Considering the other things you've posted about your husband, he has some serious behavioral issues around the kids. It's a hard situation. 

We have already been pulled in different directions and I think those differences are irreconcilable at this point. I feel like as long as I'm around, my kids will see that there is more than one side to religion and I can intervene when he is purposely answering their questions with a biblical flare and one sided mind. I hate even going out and leaving the kids home with my husband b/c I'm always concerned about what he is trying to convince them of and how to undo it. And yes, I was worried about the counselor trying to pull us in one direction but I was hoping that the counselor would be neutral, just having a background knowledge about how warped religion is and how brainwashed a religious person can be and how to pull them out of their stupor. Am I asking too much?

 

On 5/5/2019 at 10:42 AM, Citsonga said:

My son went to a good counselor for a while who's a liberal Christian, so some can be objective, but she wasn't advertising as a Christian counselor. I'd definitely steer clear of anyone listed as a "Christian counselor." If they feel the need to advertise as such, then there's a reason for it, and it ain't a good reason.

Yes, I'm seeing this is probably what I feared. I may try to find someone who doesn't actively advertise as a christian counselor but has experience in working with differences of religion. That must be possible.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I'm not even sure yet that my husband would go to counselling, but I hope in the future he will.

[older]

Others have already said this but I'm going to re-state it with a slightly different phrase: There are counselors who happen to be Christian, and there are Christian Counselors. Big difference.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Whoever you go to, make sure they are licensed by the state.

[LostinParis]

On 5/7/2019 at 1:11 PM, Mothernature said:

How are you guys doing now? Fortunately, my husband is good with the kids.

 

My husband was good with the kids when they were young. As they became teenagers and questioned the faith and refused to go to church, he morphed into an angry, controlling father.

 

The kids and I are doing well. My daughter made a comment about how peaceful things are now. What a relief! No longer do we need to tip-toe around my husband in order to protect his feelings so he doesn't fly into a rage. In hindsight I should have left much earlier.

 

Is your husband verbally abusive? Does he talk negatively about you to the kids? These things work in your favour should you decide to separate. It may give you some peace of mind to explore your options with a divorce lawyer, with regards to custody and financial support.

 

I found it so difficult to choose courage over comfort. The familiar always seemed less scary than the unknown.

[older]

4 hours ago, LostinParis said:

The kids and I are doing well. My daughter made a comment about how peaceful things are now. What a relief! No longer do we need to tip-toe around my husband in order to protect his feelings so he doesn't fly into a rage. In hindsight I should have left much earlier.

So many couples think they need to stay together for the sake of the kids. But the kids aren't stupid and they know what's going on. My parents thought we kids would be devastated when they separated but I was elated.

[florduh]

Parents who grudgingly stay together solely for the sake of the kids do a great disservice to themselves and particularly their children. In the midst of a toxic marriage is no place for kids to grow up and learn how to adult.

[JohnnyWishbone]

On 5/2/2019 at 11:32 AM, Mothernature said:

I spoke briefly with a counselor about my family situation and she actually recommended that I may be better off to go for marriage counselling with my husband to a Christian counselor. She thought they are better trained in what his beliefs would be and so would be better able to assist. I believe if the counselors are registered they have to be neutral and would not try to sway either in either direction. Any experiences with this? I am not concerned that I could be swayed back into Christianity as I know too much to go back and my husband is too brainwashed to even hope that he would ever convert, so I am wondering if it actually would be better to go the Christian counselor route.

Think about this. Why does any Christian think they'd need a counselor, when they are in communication with the spirit of the Lord of hosts?

 

If anything this proves that Jesus can't do shit for his own people.