I think I'm truly beginning to understand how emotionally damaged I may be deep down...

[ZenPaladin]

As time goes on, the scars from things that have gone on in my life have become more apparent, especially since I better understand or remember things I lost track of. And even with my EMT program having a bit over two weeks left(I'd then have to do the national test), this sends me into a slump that kills motivation which doesn't help studying.
  

During my time in middle school, my Dad aside from the constant fighting and arguing with my mom, made several remarks about me not being the son he wanted. He had at times tried to get me into basketball(he was a star player in high school, got a scholarship but hurt his knee) and even straight up forced me to play a bit in middle school. He called me weak one time when he had grabbed my wrist and I tried to break free and even laughed at me. I told him once I'd never want any wife kids(if I had any) to meet him and he scoffed and said ''no girl is gonna want you''. 

On one occasion, I had once started yelling at him and crying about how toxic he was and said that it made me think about suicide. Now, I have to be *very* clear, I am not nor have I ever been suicidal or wanted to end my own life, though my sister is different sadly. I said what I said purely in the heat of the moment, but his response was still messed up. He said ''(My name), if you are that stupid to want to take your own life then do it!''

There was also some times he smacked me in the face. My family does believe in corporal punishment, but we never had bruises or marks or anything. But he smacked me a few times once due to I guess blaming me for some speeding ticket, and then once when he was being an asshole again I said I wished I had a stepfather, and recieved 3 smacks with him saying ''I'm your daddy.'' He also would get mad if the TV remote was lost and said that showed how dysfunctional we were(eyeroll). I once told him that he hardly was at home and wasn't really help to our mom financially, and I got thrown against the stairs and yelled at. Add on the other stuff to occur up to now, and he still wonders why we aren't close and my mom always ends up saying I need to be forgiving to him.

What really makes it worst is that while I may not care what my dad thinks, those words don't seem inaccurate right now. At 20 years old, I still have no friends, no girlfriend(mom badgers me near constantly) and I'm basically starting over as a freshman(online CC) at 20 and hoping I pass this EMT class. Even when I've gotten advice from people about ''working on yourself before finding love'' or other things, it made me angry even though they meant well. I guess it's because it just feels like I'm constantly just having the days go on waiting for life to get better, and I guess jealous of them. I can't have a girl love me because I'm not happy with myself, I'm still subconscious about my nerdy interests so I wonder about friends,my emotional baggage and then the pandemic makes socializing impossible so it seems this may be for the long haul.

Honestly, I had times before when I felt maybe I was resigned to be always be alone and lagging behind others and it sucks. And I guess patience I struggle with due to all the apologies or promises to change I've heard that were just talk. But these feelings I have I'm  guess I'm just stuck with. But I don't like being jealous and bitter either, even with being the odd man out.

[MOHO]

Let it go, big guy.

The shitty upbringing, toxic religion,  and crappy father only impact you if you let them.

Focus on study, take the exam, ace the sucker, and you will make a bitchen EMT!

 

Now focus on saving lives! This is what you were meant to do!

 

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

@ZenPaladin Your feelings are valid. Yes, the wounds go deep down and sometimes it's a shock when you realize how bad it is - even after you take a stand and distance yourself from the source of the problem. The way I look at it, we numb ourselves and blind ourselves to the extent of trauma when we're going through it, because it's too much to handle at the time. Lots of feelings are going to bubble up. 

[Tsathoggua9]

I am sorry about the way your dad treated you. He seems like a complete ass! You don't need to forgive him. Just keep your distance and avoid him. The less you interact with him, the better!

 

It is good to hear that you are almost finished with your EMT training. Once you complete your studies and pass the test, your life should change for the better

[alreadyGone]

No one should minimise the overwhelming drive to "find love" at your age.

It's a powerful need that almost no one can deny or avoid.

 

For what it may be worth to you...

 

You are very young. You are not yet the person you will be later in life.

The world, and especially the United States are filled with people who wish they had not gotten married or had children at such a young age.

And many suffer from that throughout an adult lifetime.

 

Today I'm very happy that the women who might have been attracted to me in my younger days.... weren't.  Not that I prefer to be alone, but alone is much better than being legally attached and tethered to someone not suited to you or you to them.

 

Don't give in the emotional thoughts that you must experience it all now to in order to learn about intimate relationships and marriage, to be "normal".

Most of what people are so certain they know about interpersonal relationships and human beings at your age through perhaps the mid-point in life, they later find was fantasy and vanity.

 

Is it better to have someone in your life with whom you can share life and grow?

Almost certainly it is. Is it absolutely essential to life itself? No, it only seems so when you are alone. Be very careful what you tell yourself, and more careful about what well-meaning others tell you.

In a Christian setting especially, women at times will tell you something like "oh, don't worry, God has a plan for your life". And other times it will be "God has someone for everyone".

 

Whether there is a God or not, such beliefs are just not true.

They are the sentimental imaginings of females (usually females, and some males also).

 

There may be someone with whom you'll happily share life, or there may not be.

As long as you have life, health, and liberty there are infinite possibilities.

I can tell you that as an older man in the final third of life, I very much regret the time and energy I wasted on longing for a "special someone" in my younger years.

It's time and energy I wish I had now, to be put to more productive purposes.

 

My life matters, alone or mated to another.

What I do with it is my choice.

And that's probably the only truly good thing about human life in this world, the only thing not in some way corrupted by other humans or by the circumstances of our existence in this temporal world.

 

In the final analysis, time is all you have in this world.

Don't let the quality of that time be defined by the foolishness and perfidy of other human beings. Ensure that definition is written by you and you alone.

And always, be very careful who you trust, and why.

 

 

[ZenPaladin]

58 minutes ago, alreadyGone said:

No one should minimise the overwhelming drive to "find love" at your age.

It's a powerful need that almost no one can deny or avoid.

 

For what it may be worth to you...

 

You are very young. You are not yet the person you will be later in life.

The world, and especially the United States are filled with people who wish they had not gotten married or had children at such a young age.

And many suffer from that throughout an adult lifetime.

 

Today I'm very happy that the women who might have been attracted to me in my younger days.... weren't.  Not that I prefer to be alone, but alone is much better than being legally attached and tethered to someone not suited to you or you to them.

 

Don't give in the emotional thoughts that you must experience it all now to in order to learn about intimate relationships and marriage, to be "normal".

Most of what people are so certain they know about interpersonal relationships and human beings at your age through perhaps the mid-point in life, they later find was fantasy and vanity.

 

Is it better to have someone in your life with whom you can share life and grow?

Almost certainly it is. Is it absolutely essential to life itself? No, it only seems so when you are alone. Be very careful what you tell yourself, and more careful about what well-meaning others tell you.

In a Christian setting especially, women at times will tell you something like "oh, don't worry, God has a plan for your life". And other times it will be "God has someone for everyone".

 

Whether there is a God or not, such beliefs are just not true.

They are the sentimental imaginings of females (usually females, and some males also).

 

There may be someone with whom you'll happily share life, or there may not be.

As long as you have life, health, and liberty there are infinite possibilities.

I can tell you that as an older man in the final third of life, I very much regret the time and energy I wasted on longing for a "special someone" in my younger years.

It's time and energy I wish I had now, to be put to more productive purposes.

 

My life matters, alone or mated to another.

What I do with it is my choice.

And that's probably the only truly good thing about human life in this world, the only thing not in some way corrupted by other humans or by the circumstances of our existence in this temporal world.

 

In the final analysis, time is all you have in this world.

Don't let the quality of that time be defined by the foolishness and perfidy of other human beings. Ensure that definition is written by you and you alone.

And always, be very careful who you trust, and why.

 

 

Good points, and to your last one about trust, I had to learn that the hard way:https://www.ex-christian.net/topic/82904-my-former-christian-friend-used-me-manipulated-me-and-turned-to-be-a-true-predator/

[alreadyGone]

ZenPaladin...

One folly of humans is that by about age 30 - 35 we all come to believe we have an understanding of the world, especially as it relates to the evil of others and the many reasons and ways others will find to abuse and misuse those around them.

You come to believe that you already know and have understanding of most of the ways and manner of evil and oppression in this world.

 

Then later, if you survive that long, you learn that you really had no clue.

As long as that list may be (to your awareness and understanding), you will eventually find that you don't know the extent of human evil because there is no limit. Evil predatory humans will always see a new way, another way to hurt and take unfair advantage of those around them. Always.

 

And yes, sometimes you will see that evil manifested in devout Christians.

I did...  Friends of more than 20 years totally destroyed my life through simple greed.

And every Easter, they'll post "He is Risen!" somewhere on the internet on their preferred social-media platforms and have personalized license-plates with "In God We Trust".

 

I foolishly trusted them mostly because of the bond of "Christian brotherhood" between us. Always, before investing trust in anyone, for any reason, stop and ask if you have an alternative. And consider what you have to lose if it goes wrong.

 

Be well.

 

 

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

On 8/28/2020 at 1:38 PM, alreadyGone said:

No one should minimise the overwhelming drive to "find love" at your age.

It's a powerful need that almost no one can deny or avoid.

I absolutely agree with part of this, however it being a powerful need to most people is something I wouldn't agree with. Most people I know are semi-interested in relationships or think they're annoying as hell (I'm the second, thank Satan I don't feel romantic love). Romance should not be an over-powering need. For a lot of people, it's the ultimate intimacy, however friends are the first step in anything. Romance is nothing without a friendship as well. 

 

@ZenPaladin You need friends kiddo. I know that's obvious but my advice to ask yourself if that overwhelming burning for romance is something born just out of a desire for human connection. It's simple human connection that needs to be a priority right now. Not to say a relationship isn't down the line but that's the future and this is now. To work on ourselves, we need the support of others. Someone to see us and accept us. Nerdy interests aren't something to be ashamed of by the way. A shit ton of people are nerds and someone the best ways to find those nerds are simply by joining places that share those interests. 

I hate to tell you but you can't wait for things to get better. That's not how it works. Time heals wounds but only if they are not left to fester. Have you considered therapy? 

 

 

[ZenPaladin]

2 hours ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

I absolutely agree with part of this, however it being a powerful need to most people is something I wouldn't agree with. Most people I know are semi-interested in relationships or think they're annoying as hell (I'm the second, thank Satan I don't feel romantic love). Romance should not be an over-powering need. For a lot of people, it's the ultimate intimacy, however friends are the first step in anything. Romance is nothing without a friendship as well. 

 

@ZenPaladin You need friends kiddo. I know that's obvious but my advice to ask yourself if that overwhelming burning for romance is something born just out of a desire for human connection. It's simple human connection that needs to be a priority right now. Not to say a relationship isn't down the line but that's the future and this is now. To work on ourselves, we need the support of others. Someone to see us and accept us. Nerdy interests aren't something to be ashamed of by the way. A shit ton of people are nerds and someone the best ways to find those nerds are simply by joining places that share those interests. 

I hate to tell you but you can't wait for things to get better. That's not how it works. Time heals wounds but only if they are not left to fester. Have you considered therapy? 

 

 

I actually have been to therapy before, and getting friends is definitely on my to-do list. I also am not ashamed of my nerdy interests really

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

On 9/2/2020 at 1:32 AM, ZenPaladin said:

I actually have been to therapy before, and getting friends is definitely on my to-do list. I also am not ashamed of my nerdy interests really

That's good. Hope you find someone to talk to about this. You're not unlovable but rather the opposite.

[ZenPaladin]

45 minutes ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

That's good. Hope you find someone to talk to about this. You're not unlovable but rather the opposite.

I know. I went through high school with various acquaintances but no real friends and only did anything with anyone outside of school a small handful in all those 4 years. Being on the spectrum can suck.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

My 60 year class reunion was very interesting.   As i looked around the room, the high School nerds not only had outlived the popular jocks, they were overall more successful in life.  The bullies that made my life miserable at times had all died of heart attacks or cancer.

 

You seem to have a kind heart.  It will serve you well!

[Geezer]

Zen, what are your plans after you are EMT certified? My son is a year away from retiring from a 25 year career with the Fire Dept. He’s a Lt., Paramedic, and watch commander. He loves his job, it pays well, the benefits and retirement are excellent. Firemen have a lot of time off too. His rotation is on 24 off 24, on 24 off 24, on 24 off 24, then on 24 off 96. He also gets 30 days paid vacation a year. 

 

Obviously, every Fire Dept has different work schedules, benefits, and rotations. Cities with 100,000 or less population and no tall skyscrapers are the best places to be a fireman.

 

Fire Dept’s are begging for paramedics. They are required to have paramedics on their trucks now, at lest in Tennessee. If you get paramedic certified you should not have a problem getting hired as a fireman.

 

Obviously it’s a dangerous job, but not as dangerous as law enforcement. Just something to think about. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[alreadyGone]

1 hour ago, Weezer said:

...  You seem to have a kind heart.  It will serve you well!

 

Unless the humans get to him. They'll do that.

@Weezer, tell him about the goddamn humans.. the stuff that no one tells you when you're young that you don't figure out until late in life, when very often the damage has been done.

 

[ZenPaladin]

47 minutes ago, Geezer said:

Zen, what are your plans after you are EMT certified? My son is a year away from retiring from a 25 year career with the Fire Dept. He’s a Lt., Paramedic, and watch commander. He loves his job, it pays well, the benefits and retirement are excellent. Firemen have a lot of time off too. His rotation is on 24 off 24, on 24 off 24, on 24 off 24, then on 24 off 96. He also gets 30 days paid vacation a year. 

 

Obviously, every Fire Dept has different work schedules, benefits, and rotations. Cities with 100,000 or less population and no tall skyscrapers are the best places to be a fireman.

 

Fire Dept’s are begging for paramedics. They are required to have paramedics on their trucks now, at lest in Tennessee. If you get paramedic certified you should not have a problem getting hired as a fireman.

 

Obviously it’s a dangerous job, but not as dangerous as law enforcement. Just something to think about. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGF-ik8-qRg&t=104s

[alreadyGone]

^Zen,

^{I salute that ambition.}

^{I don't really know anything about it but I'm told that the academics are demanding and that fish and game professionals work very hard to get a career established.}

^{Best to you.}

 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

21 hours ago, alreadyGone said:

 

Unless the humans get to him. They'll do that.

@Weezer, tell him about the goddamn humans.. the stuff that no one tells you when you're young that you don't figure out until late in life, when very often the damage has been done.

 

I think he has already learned some good lessons about what humans are capable of, and won't fall for those quick "come ons", and too good to be true deals, INCLUDING THOSE WITH FEMALES.  (watch me get blasted for that one)

[alreadyGone]

The lessons of which you speak never end.

 

I wish someone had told me: that there were some things to be learned that should define a life goal for you:

Learn without learning it first-hand.

Not all common life experiences are ones you want to have as you mature, live your life, and do happily.

 

A life goal to be attended to faithfully over time, because humans are like a virus.. you only have to be vulnerable once, the wrong time + place. And they will continually and ever push out the boundaries of what it means to be an intentionally evil shitty predatory human being.

 

<edited for late-hour excessive length and general stupidity>

[decafaholic]

I apologize for being so late to this topic. I've been gone for a while.
OP, I'm sorry that your father was so cruel. You did not deserve to be treated like that. You were just a kid and you needed acceptance. Instead, your dad sent the message that you weren't good enough the way you were. That is damaging to a child. I can understand why that hurts you. I don't think I could have a relationship with my dad if he acted like yours. 

I think if you try to ignore your pain or tell yourself to just get over it, you'll find it surfacing over and over and over. I wish I could tell you how to heal. I don't really know. Healing is a process and it takes a lot longer than we want it to.

But you're talking about it and that's the best way to start. You said you've been to therapy before. Did you find it helpful?

[ZenPaladin]

5 hours ago, decafaholic said:

I apologize for being so late to this topic. I've been gone for a while.
OP, I'm sorry that your father was so cruel. You did not deserve to be treated like that. You were just a kid and you needed acceptance. Instead, your dad sent the message that you weren't good enough the way you were. That is damaging to a child. I can understand why that hurts you. I don't think I could have a relationship with my dad if he acted like yours. 

I think if you try to ignore your pain or tell yourself to just get over it, you'll find it surfacing over and over and over. I wish I could tell you how to heal. I don't really know. Healing is a process and it takes a lot longer than we want it to.

But you're talking about it and that's the best way to start. You said you've been to therapy before. Did you find it helpful?

It's cool, and thanks. It did give me some perspective on things, and was a good place to start. I mean, things weren't awful literally all the time. I'm not gonna tell you I never had birthday cake or gifts, presents at Christmas or have never been to an amusement park or that my dad never showed me affection or anything. But my parents definitely didn't have a good relationship. They had issues from when I was born and split when I was 5 or 6 but got back together when I was 7. From that age to when I was 11 things weren't too bad but from middle school onwards things got uglier between them. My dad was in and out of the house, not really helping my mom out, then when his estranged brother and his GF was staying with us he kicked them out 3 times. Aside from that, he and my mom argued alot, often cussing and even sometimes getting physical. I woke up one time to him shoving her into a wall enough to leave a crack, and she's scratched him a couple of times as well. Then came the mess where they accused each other of cheating, my dad constantly calling my mom ''a fat ugly bitch'' and the like, and in high school you got things like my mom having a major fight with her (now ex) boyfriend and my sister trying to kill herself on more than ne occasion.

[LostinParis]

I’m sorry that you have such a steep hill to climb. It’s not fair.

 

My son is 18 and has Aspergers. He doesn’t have any close friends either. His father was verbally abusive, but when things turned physical I left with him and his sisters. I should have left earlier, I worry that he is damaged psychologically, he now has bad anxiety. He refused to speak to his father more than a year, but has recently been in contact. He has set up firm boundaries and the relationship is now on his terms. His father is desperate to be back in his son’s life so is on his best behaviour.

 

My son had a girlfriend for a while, she is on the spectrum too. Unfortunately she is also an evangelical christian and declared that there will be no sex before marriage. My son is an atheist and is probably 95% penis like most 18 yo males, so he broke up with her. 

Perhaps you can find a girl similar to you? There are lots of online “Aspi” groups. You seem to have a lot of self awareness and insight. Emotional intelligence is something Aspies usually struggle with, but it’s an essential skill for good relationships. 

 

You should be proud of your determination to complete your studies, in spite of all your challenges.
 

“Be kind to nerds, chances are you’ll end up working for one”. ~ Bill Gates