Jump to content

Hello again! - 9 month update


BarnOwl
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello again! Last time I posted here was for a "5 month update" thread when I was going through some stuff mentally trying to wrap my head around such a drastic change in theology.

 

Now, here I am 4 months later (so 9 months total), happily an atheist (or at least a skeptical agnostic, depending on the day) and finding comfort in that. I find moments where I consider the existence of a god, but no longer the Christian god and no longer do I feel the need to consider what "it" may think about my life. It's taken me a while, but I'm finally at a point where I can process things without considering 'god' first, lol.

 

That being said, I've noticed that despite my loss of faith, I find that the religious way of thinking has been much harder to get rid of. Not to mention, the more I learn about life and explore things I never used to, the more I realize how much I missed out on. Let me explain:

 

Quick recap: I've mentioned this previously, but I was raised fundamentalist Christian. Up until the age of 23, I accepted this as a way of life and despite the frustration, anger and depression I felt living that way, I never did anything about it, thinking I was just "bearing my cross" as a good Christian. When I hit the age of 22/23 though and realized that being gay could be a valid way of life, not just a cross to bear or a temptation to resist, my walls all started to come down. I fell deeper into depression as I battled intensely within myself, thinking that I was wrestling with God himself to get some sort of "answer" like I was taught to do. When nothing came, that was when I decided I was done and it was time to move on to something different. My curiosity finally got the better of me and I began to do research on what my alternatives were.

 

Fast forward 9 months, and I'm now an atheist and happy with it. Now as a 24 year old who just graduated college last week, I am struggling with some things emotionally that I didn't realize would persist once I had finally left the faith. Primarily, I still struggle with trusting myself to make decisions and to not rely on the morals of my "faith" or on the opinions of people who I considered "strong in the faith." I don't know how to move past this because it actually causes me such anxiety to think about.

 

In addition, when I look back on the past 24 years of my life, I realize how much my faith stole from me. I never socialized in High School because I was taught that Satan would use my classmates to turn me against God. That fear drove me to not only avoid having friends in High School, but I did my college years primarily online and at home. I look back now and realize that I missed out on so many experiences with my peers that my faith kept me from having. I have felt lonely and dissatisfied with my life needlessly because if it weren't for my faith and fundamentalist upbringing, I probably would have had experiences and relationships that I now wish I had.

 

I now have a boyfriend that I absolutely adore and who has been there for me every step of the way during this deconversion process and I see a lot of great things in my future now that I'm living life on my own terms. I am hopeful about the future and look forward to creating many new experiences, and I appreciate that I was able to do this at the age of 24 while I still have so much of my life ahead of me to continue growing and having new experiences (hopefully). However, I still wish I could have done this years ago and really enjoyed my college years. I wish I could have went out and dated more, met more and different people.

 

This was actually really therapeutic just writing this, to get it all written down and out there.

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations on your graduation from college.

 

As for your continued deconversion work, I suggest you consider researching/studying the following concepts/topics/subjects (if you haven't done so already):

 

teleology

burden of proof/persuasion

informal logical fallacies (learn a few at a time...repeat with more)

cognitive biases

Biblical textual criticism

codependency and enabling

emergence

 

That's a start.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to ex-C, @BarnOwl

Congratulations on finding your way out of the mind control.

 

Also a programmer. I wonder if our profession has had an impact on our deconverstion. We must test our code and it better damn well react the same way each time! Unlike praying, eh?

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.