What Do You Tell People?

[jjacksonRIAB]

I don't allow myself to be pushed into arguments about religion. If I am not respected as a guest and am treated rudely, I leave and don't come back. Otherwise people pretty much leave me alone. I've only ever had one friend in my life that pushed his religion. I told him he was acting like an idiot. He still manages to push my buttons every once in a while, but I push his boundaries back further and further. Anyhow, he's not religious anymore, nor has he been for the past 7 years.

 

There's only one friend I have who is still Christian, and he knows I am not, but he doesn't care and he treats me very well. Sometimes he brings up religion, but he is sure to mention that it only applies to him. I can respect that, so I don't push it.

[Guest Jessicano]

Yeah, I doubt there will ever be a time when I can honestly tell my parents that I'm not any sort of Christian anymore. I know it sounds like I just don't have the guts to do it, but I believe that not telling them is the only compassionate thing I can do. But I hate being dishonest, and I try not to lie to anyone else. That doesn't mean I'm going to call up all of my Christian friends and give them a little update on my "spiritual state." Most of them have the vague idea that I was or am questioning the faith, but only those really close to me know just how far those questions have gone. And as far as random people on the campus Quad go (there is always one group or another handing out pamphlets and witnessing), I like engaging them in a little debate if I'm not running too late for class. I haven't met one that could give me a satisfactory answer to my problems with the Bible and Christianity, and the encounter always sharpens my mind abit. Some of them get a little scared when they realize that I know more about their religion than they do (and don't believe it).

 

So yeah, like others I avoid the family and am more willing to talk to strangers or friends.

 

 

Yeah, I doubt there will ever be a time when I can honestly tell my parents that I'm not any sort of Christian anymore. I know it sounds like I just don't have the guts to do it, but I believe that not telling them is the only compassionate thing I can do. But I hate being dishonest, and I try not to lie to anyone else. That doesn't mean I'm going to call up all of my Christian friends and give them a little update on my "spiritual state." Most of them have the vague idea that I was or am questioning the faith, but only those really close to me know just how far those questions have gone. And as far as random people on the campus Quad go (there is always one group or another handing out pamphlets and witnessing), I like engaging them in a little debate if I'm not running too late for class. I haven't met one that could give me a satisfactory answer to my problems with the Bible and Christianity, and the encounter always sharpens my mind abit. Some of them get a little scared when they realize that I know more about their religion than they do (and don't believe it).

 

So yeah, like others I avoid the family and am more willing to talk to strangers or friends.

 

This sounds like me! It's so hard to "come out of the closet" and then I just know that they're going to try to "save me" and we'll never be able to talk again about anything else. It's gotten to the point now that I don't want to ever be alone with my dad because i'm afraid he'll bring it up. I know he's worried about my "spiritual health" since i've been living with an Atheist, and he's asked me a few times if i still pray, and I lie and say "yes" in a weak and pathetic voice. I wish I felt like I could tell them without totally crushing them, but I don't.

[Epicurienne]

I try not to talk about my lack of religion, but I don't try to pretend I believe, either.

 

Sometimes I get in a situation, such as the one I described in another post, where a coworker asked me if I believed the Bible. I was really caught off guard; I wasn't prepared to answer that question, so I said, "Yes." (An instinctive lie to protect myself in a very Christian-ridden workplace.)

 

But if I could do it over again, I would say, "I've read the Bible."

 

When I know I'm outnumbered, as I was in that situation, I try my hardest not to reveal anything at all.

 

I could always say I'm a non-practicing Unitarian [grin]. The last church I attended with any regularity was a UU church.

[Bluescreen]

I'm another one in the incognito camp. Family's *extremely* religious, and big on the whole "End Times" and "spiritual warfare" shtick. If I actually came out and said that I had become pretty damn skeptical about Christianity, it would be the interpersonal equivalent of a small thermonuclear explosion. My grandparents are quite elderly, and I would never put them through that kind of pain. I worry my Mom would go on a tangent about how Satan was deceiving me and somesuch. I've got a really good relationship with my family, and it's not worth losing over religion. So, I'll grit my teeth and play along no matter how much I dislike lying.

 

The exception in my family may be my younger brother - he *never* brings up religion, and has a tendency to show a slightly sarcastic lack of interest when my mother goes on about the apocalypse. However, he's such a reticent person that I have no idea if he'd discuss any of this with me, or if I'm even correctly reading him.

 

I've talked about it with my boyfriend, and he's been pretty understanding about the whole mess. He doesn't agree, but he respects me and acknowledges that I've done about all that I can do and that in the end, I have to pursue my own quest for truth.

 

As far as random strangers or other friends go? I don't think I'd out myself - it's none of their damn business.

[Guest Jessicano]

I'm another one in the incognito camp. Family's *extremely* religious, and big on the whole "End Times" and "spiritual warfare" shtick. If I actually came out and said that I had become pretty damn skeptical about Christianity, it would be the interpersonal equivalent of a small thermonuclear explosion. My grandparents are quite elderly, and I would never put them through that kind of pain. I worry my Mom would go on a tangent about how Satan was deceiving me and somesuch. I've got a really good relationship with my family, and it's not worth losing over religion. So, I'll grit my teeth and play along no matter how much I dislike lying.

 

The exception in my family may be my younger brother - he *never* brings up religion, and has a tendency to show a slightly sarcastic lack of interest when my mother goes on about the apocalypse. However, he's such a reticent person that I have no idea if he'd discuss any of this with me, or if I'm even correctly reading him.

 

I've talked about it with my boyfriend, and he's been pretty understanding about the whole mess. He doesn't agree, but he respects me and acknowledges that I've done about all that I can do and that in the end, I have to pursue my own quest for truth.

 

As far as random strangers or other friends go? I don't think I'd out myself - it's none of their damn business.

 

I have a hard time with lying about it as well. I feel as though I have to justify my new lack of disbelief by being the poster child for morality... as if the guilt of being Christian wasn't enough, now I feel guilty lying to the ones that are closest to me. And that's just what they'll say - "why do you lie about it if you're not ashamed of it" or "Satan's tempting you" and all that bulls***. I think my boyfriend feels the same way, but from an Atheist perspective "why would I lie if I weren't ashamed of it?". He thinks that if they don't understand, it's their problem, and that I should be true to myself and not be ashamed of what I believe. And I agree, I'm not ashamed of being an Atheist, but at the same time, I don't feel that "coming out of the closet" to my parents is going to make me feel closer to them, or proud of myself. Opening that can of worms will send my parents, especially my dad, into a frenzy of blame, "where did we go wrong", trying to save my soul, etc. And the number one person they'll blame? my boyfriend, since before I met him I never questioned my faith. That oughta make visiting with them a little awkward. Nuff said.

[Everglaze]

Sometimes, depending on the situation, I will be triggered to take part in a conversation dealing with Christianity. I basically just share my insights with all other religious aspects of knowledge that I've been able to acquire. I don't pretend to be a Christian though. When I was a Christian, it was hard for me to really open up to people. Now that I'm not one, I just honestly say that I'm not one. Then again, I don't like hanging around with the persuasive Christians who just want to convert me.

[Scarlett]

Have you ever lied about still being a christian? What do you tell people who are interested in "saving souls"?

 

So I want to know your experiences, have you ever lied about still being a christian? What do you tell people when you are confronted about your beliefs? Are you ever "hunted" by certain groups or certain people who are trying to "save" your soul?

 

 

Nope, if someone asks me I'll be honest. It tends to upset Christians. If someone says they're interested in saving my soul I tell them it's not for sale and that I am not interested in going to heaven. If they persist, I'll tell them that even if their god did exist, I still wouldn't worship him for moral reasons. That usually shocks them.

[Jennifer]

So far I've not told ANYBODY, not even my husband. He knows that I've been questioning all that I was taught when I was growing up. He knows that I no longer believe in God or the bible and that for a while, I was into Wicca, but he doesn't know that I now consider myself an atheist. Of course, he's not that into religion, either, so I've never had to deal with him preaching to me. As for anyone else, the topic doesn't really come up. If it does, I redirect it.

[Jeydid]

The only place I ever lie about my beliefs is at work, and then only with customers. I wait tables and frankly, I can't afford to piss off a table. I do my best to be merely noncommital if they ask, but I have flat out lied.

 

I don't bother lying to my co-workers or anyone outside of work who might bring it up. I have friends of many different faiths, I simply don't discuss religion with them. I know where they stand, they know where I stand, and we just agree to disagree.

 

It is a rare time in my life I have had cause to be thankful that I had a tendency to speak before thinking when I was younger. Reading this thread though makes me glad that when I decided Christianity was nonsense at 15 I just announced it flat out to my family and refused to attend church any longer. Granted there was some fall-out, and a few hard feelings, but I wouldn't want to lie to them about something like that. These days it almost never comes up. When it does it is usually prefaced by something like "I know you don't believe this, but..." My mother is the only one who still seems to be holding out hope, and that hope is fading fast. I have even gone so far as to walk away when some preacher wanted to pray for my family in a hospital waiting room. I don't yell or scream, I just walk away. Perhaps if I were older and wiser when I left the church, I might have hesitated to tell them. I can certainly understand not wanting to deal with the fallout from such a declaration to loved ones.

[twincats]

I can't tell my family. My dad would probably be okay with it (mom is dead) but would in all probability leak it (not purposely) to my ever-increasingly fundie aunt & uncle. The "increasingly" part started when my cousin married a minister; no Jewish mother was ever as proud of her daughter marrying a doctor as my aunt was when her oldest married a seminary student! My aunt would (I have absolutely no doubts) arrange to have me de-programmed if she knew I went pagan! Telling my family is simply out of the question.

 

My husband and his family know all about it, though. They run the gamut of Christian thru pagan to no belief. We had a lovely Druidic wedding ceremony in my mother-in-law's back yard. We told the rest of the family we were going to City Hall. I have told all my close friends, half of which are pagan, too. The others have been very supportive and understanding.

 

I haven't had a conversation anywhere else where religion came up. We live in a very mega-church oriented suburb in SoCal, so we don't advertise or encourage such conversations. We're pretty much just the neighborhood heathens, I guess.

[Unknowing1]

Depends on who I am talking to and what I am talking about. If it is a close friend most already know just based on comments that I may have made regarding one thing or another. Family, mom and dad are dead but I pretended until they died. My sister and I aren't that close and while she isn't particularly religious she would pass judgement on me (even though I attended church and was more involved in church than she) so I don't tell her. Husband, he doesn't ask and frankly is like my sister an arm chair christian. My sons they know some but not all of my beliefs. I make sure I give them both points of view and want them to use their minds to determine what their beliefs are. People at work, not their business and frankly if they ask me I will tell them that. Personal life is mine and they don't have any reason to know what goes on in it unless it affects my work. I do have to say this though, those folks at work who belong to the most fundamentalist churchs I have found are the most unethical. Dealing with that has been a challange. I so want to call them on it. I mean how can you behave that way but are supposed to be the most upstanding, moral, ethical person around because you believe in Jesus. Seems they must do a lot of confessing, praying and asking for forgiveness on Sunday.

[Gaura]

To the average stranger, I definitely give out as little as I can, and try to get off the subject pronto.

 

People who I know, such as political allies or forum members, often know but I try to keep off the subject.

 

Neighbors, I definitely try to prevent them knowing.

 

Relatives know I'm not Catholic anymore but don't know that I'm Pagan.

 

Some close friends know the whole shebang. These are generally Pagan, although some agnostics are here too.

[Skankboy]

I don't make a point of telling people, but I simply cannot lie (kind of goes against everything I believe in now). So if they ask, I tell them.

 

My favorite is when they say they want to "save my soul" and I tell them that I don't believe in the "soul" either...

[CaseyBones]

"... most of them have a huge problem with fictional magic."

 

That is hysterical.

 

For me, the older I get, the harder it is to keep my mouth shut. My Mom still takes my kids to church, and tho I haven't come right out and said "I'm an Athiest", she knows my faith is long gone. She whipped out a feel good story about how the preacher said we get to see our pets in heaven when we die and I almost laughed. "But what about all the animals that weren't somebodies pet? Where do they go?" I think thats when she got the message that I think it's all baloney. She still forwards me all the inspirational emails, (like they're gonna renew my faith) and I still send her links from snopes to dispute the ones that are based on BS. My wife and kids know right where I stand, and my 12 year old daughter has voiced her opinions as well. She goes to church with Grandma, but can't stand the fact that she has to feel guilty all the time. She finds it more upsetting than comforting. I tell my kids that I want them to grow up and make up their own minds, but to not just accept something as truth without doing the research. My sister and her family are a whole 'nuther story tho. They're former prodigies of Peter Ruckman, and their faith is by far the most important thing in their lives. They've been in W.Va for a number of years, and have found out that their credibility required them to distance themselves from those wacky Ruckmanites, but that hasn't slowed them down any. Check this out...

 

http://www.dailymail.com/story/Life/+/2005...+a+miracle'

 

This is about my nephew (my sisters son) and a radical brain tumor he had. Of course, according to them, it was their (and the surgeons) faith in god that brought him through. How am I supposed to argue with that? I mean, I realize that it was skill and technology that saved his life, but there ain't no convincing them that it was that and nothing else. They all find a tremendous amount of comfort in their faith and I really can't bring myself to spoil that, so I don't. I just smile and nod, and keep the "whatevers" inside my head. But, anytime someone spouts off with some sort of faith-based intolerance, I'm quick to point out how "Christian" that was of them. I actually enjoy that.

[Darkside]

As soon as I was sure of my deconversion, I told everyone I knew... my pastor, the missionaries I supported (all of whom have been good friends for many years), my parents, wife, son, and sister. I sent them all a long e-mail painstakingly detailing my deconversion process, stating exactly what I had come through to arrive at my present belief (or lack thereof). I think it's important to be honest with people, especially those who are close to me. Everyone was hurt/confused/mystified, especially my parents. They're sort of cultural Christians, not really practicing, but they really liked having a devout Christian in the family. Of course my pastors and missionary friends are praying for me, as they're sure I'll come back to the truth eventually because Jesus doesn't let you go once you're saved (according to their particular brand of Christianity). My wife isn't sure what to think, but we're dealing with it fine. I think I still have a lot of long conversations in my future before everyone comes to terms with my deconversion, if they ever do, but I think it's worth it.

 

As far as telling people I don't know, I don't know if it will ever come up. Maybe it's because I'm not in the Bible belt, but people around here don't really talk too much about religion. In any case, I certainly wouldn't feel any pressure not to share my beliefs with anyone who happened to ask. For I am not ashamed of the good news of free thought, for it is the power of salvation from ignorance to everyone who does not believe.

[Guest milphog6]

just to offer a small bit of encouragement to those who don't believe in god. i don't go around kicking and screaming around people i don't know. i'm courteous, friendly, responsible, and a hard worker. so when people get to know me and later when the subject of religion is brought up, when they find out how i feel, they're not disgusted. not everyone is so reasonable, but for the most part i try to show as many people as i can that we are not monsters. i calmly and rationally explain my reasons for not believing. it especially helps that i was a christian and i can explain the reasons i had for believing, then countering that with my reasons for leaving the faith. i would encourage all of us to be a little more willing to rationally explain our thoughts. now, my family and in-laws are beyond any hope of understanding where i'm coming from, so i don't make it a habit to argue or bring up religion. however, it's important for xtians to understand that we're not raping, murdering, thieves. we're decent people and responsible citizens who just don't go to the bible for our answers. i've also found that those who lack the respect for me just because i don't hold the same world view as them do not deserve my respect. i don't punch my poor grandmother in the stomach and then scream at her "where is your god now?!?" but whenever it has come up in my family i politely explain that i don't believe that, or that's not how i think. it's hard at first and is not always popular, but it's the way i am and in america we have the right to worship OR NOT however we see fit. the more that we remain strong, unashamed, and decent human beings, the harder it will be to demonize us. wow this message was really sappy, but we need to reshape the mental image xtians, fundies, and those in power get when they think of atheist, agnostic, pagan, etc.

[Guest Freethinka]

 

I don't lie about my beliefs, but I certainly don't admit them either. Only 3 of my friends know I am an Atheist- I haven't even told my husband. We have been married nearly 4 years, and I have been Atheist about 3. I don't tell him or my family for fear. I realize that my husband's not going to divorce me or anything, but I know that when I do tell him, it's going to be unpleasant. I see no reason to tell my family or his- definitely NOT his! ( they are all catholics ) but, I need to tell him. Sometimes I think- how can he not know? I think he really knows, but doesn't want to believe it. I tell ppl that I don't discuss politics or religion. That seems to be ok with ppl- then I can avoid any nonsense!

[Dave]

I don't hide a thing. I see no reason to hide the fact that I do not believe in any kind of a god what so ever. By the second day at any job I get they all know I'm an Atheist. You'd be surprised on how many Atheists there are hiding out there. If they all came out of the closet we could be the majority!

[Guest Freethinka]

I don't hide a thing. I see no reason to hide the fact that I do not believe in any kind of a god what so ever. By the second day at any job I get they all know I'm an Atheist. You'd be surprised on how many Atheists there are hiding out there. If they all came out of the closet we could be the majority!

 

 

WOW- you are really brave! I am pretty much a closet Atheist. I don't like it, but mostly it doesn't really affect anything. I wish my husband knew. I find myself wanting to bring it up- but I am scared too. I used to think he would reject me- I pretty much don't think that any more. I just think it will be unpleasant. My biggest hope, is that when I do tell him and we can have a dialogue about it, he will start to think about it, and maybe- just maybe he will see the truth as well. He is a Skeptic like me- and that's how it all started. I hope someday I can be so confidant to tell others the I am an Atheist, and I won't have to nod and pretend when ppl say stuff about god!

[Dave]

WOW- you are really brave! I am pretty much a closet Atheist.

I'm not all that brave. I'm a big guy with a beard and long hair, kind of biker looking when I'm not in my park ranger uniform. I'm just a teddy bear though.

I don't like it, but mostly it doesn't really affect anything. I wish my husband knew. I find myself wanting to bring it up- but I am scared too. I used to think he would reject me- I pretty much don't think that any more. I just think it will be unpleasant. My biggest hope, is that when I do tell him and we can have a dialogue about it, he will start to think about it, and maybe- just maybe he will see the truth as well. He is a Skeptic like me- and that's how it all started. I hope someday I can be so confidant to tell others the I am an Atheist, and I won't have to nod and pretend when ppl say stuff about god!

The more you come out of the closet the easier it becomes. I've found that only those that are very insecure in their own beliefs, or psychotically fundamental, are the ones that have the bad reactions. Those funnymentalists usually back down when they find out that I know as much about their religion, sometimes more, than they do and that I'm not going to be an easy targed.

 

You don't have to be way out there like I am, just don't hide and let them walk all over you.

[Guest Ivy Leigh]

Hi - this is my SECOND post here! But I had to add to the thought that "the more you come out of the closet, the easier it is."

 

When I first knew I didn't believe in god, I would lie like a rug. To everyone. For very good reasons: it would break their hearts and/or there would be a thermonuclear meltdown (I was the only one who went to a bible college! If I didn't believe then what does this imply for them?)

 

Truth is, I hate to lie. I got tired of how creepy it made me feel. I had to lie to my mom, 8 years ago, when a terrible thing happened in my family. My mom asked me to pray and apparently I wasn't faking my sincerity about prayer well. She grabbed my face and yelled "YOU DO BELIEVE IN GOD DON"T YOU?" I looked her in the eye...and lied.

 

But no more. I hated myself for that night. And I wasn't the one being confrontational about it: she was.

 

And the nagging thing that kept coming back to me was that in being quiet about what I *really* believed, I wasn't really helping anyone. If people had been quiet around ME when I'd been a raving fundy, I'd likely still be one. It was thanks to godless people, who had the courage of their convictions, that helped to change my mind. And I owe it to them to find it in myself to stand up as well.

 

I have discovered, to my AMAZEMENT, that its possible to politely, kindly, state that "well, no actually I don't believe in that." And smile. As long as they don't see it as a threat, then...it's not one!

 

I love my parents a lot. And yes, my atheism has hurt them. But having a false relationship was hurting them and me a lot more. When Dad was battling cancer two years ago, I brought up the topic: "Dad, I know that of ANYthing in the world you could ever give me, the most valuable thing to you, is your faith. And I have rejected it. And you must think about that every day and it must hurt you. I want you to know I think about it every day and it hurts me too." And I went on to tell him that although I rejected his faith, I didn't reject his morals, his standards. All those things that were important to him are STILL important to me and always will be. And I will hand his values down to my children. They just won't have a god attached to them. I told him I hoped it would be enough for him and that I loved him.

 

I think that is really all he wanted. Maybe thats one of the reasons religion has stuck around for so very long. Because it is such a simple way for us to "live on" after we die.

 

Ivy

 

ps - And when I'm forced to sit thru a "family prayer" I am quiet and respectful, but do not bow my head. If a child sneaks a peak at "Auntie Christ" (my nickname), then I wink or stick out my tongue, which makes me pretty popular during long prayers!