I got out, but even now still have doubts...

[ZenPaladin]

More than 3 hours ago I finished packing most of my things that I could carry and am currently in a hotel in a city 3 hers from my mom's place. My sister was at work at the time fortunately and my mom is out of town for a couple of weeks to help my grandma after a surgery. My dad is currently in the hospital for COVID and concurrent heart issues and the fact he is in his 60s adds to that. 

But as in my previous post he has a long history of dysfunction with my mom, and towards me but really my immediate family(me, mom, dad and sister) have been dysfunctional to each other. Me and my sister have had anger issues with each other(I wrestled a remote from her hand and shoved her, she's thrown stuff at me and got into it with our mom, etc. Along with finally wanting to make traction with my personal goals(social life and career education) I just want a break from the BS. I feel bad doing this with my dad in the hospital and the pressure from my mom and sister to bond with him or make amends even though I am just not invested even if I do care about him. He even invoked God and also tends to act like he doesn't understand why I am not close to him.

I created a separate email and sent my mom a message about how I felt and what I did. No reply yet but will call in a few days(burner phone maybe). At the very least the distance will let me dictate things on my terms more easily. I mean just today my sister and I had an argument where pointed out the bad things the other did and my sister said if I was still gonna hold the past against my dad then she didn't forgive me for my former friend from years ago that molested her behind my back(never knew until she told me). She even called me her rapist(by extension). So yeah...kinda felt dammed if I do or don't but still feel guilty and scared...
 

Follow up to this post:

 

[TABA]

Hey ZP, it was good hearing from you the other day.  With all the shit you’ve had to deal with, all the dysfunction in your family, you’re to be congratulated on the progress you’ve made.  I’m not sure how many people could have kept their heads, as you have, when all those around them were losing theirs!
 

 As for whether to go see your father or not, I’d look at it this way: do you think you’ll be likely to regret it later if you don’t?  At this point I’d say you don’t owe anything to him, your mom or your sister.  My concern is for you.  
 

Personally I’d probably lean toward going to see him, but I’ve not had to deal with all the crap, I’ve not had to walk in your shoes.  Nobody would blame you for completely separating yourself from your family at this point. But would you blame yourself later if you didn’t go see your dad?  That’s probably the only question you need to ask here.  
 

I guess that’s not much help, is it.  I do wish you well and again Congratulations on your achievement!  You’re on track to have a life that is much different, much better than it might have been if you weren’t so strong and determined.  
 

Keep us posted!

[♦ Fuego ♦]

4 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

I feel bad doing this with my dad in the hospital and the pressure from my mom and sister

 

That is exactly what they have done to you since birth. Nothing has changed except your own self, and toxic people will do anything to get you back under their control because they like it that way (even if they think it is "right" or "the way God ordained", etc) Another crisis, another "offense", another proclamation from god, another "forgive me" with no intention at all to change. You are making strides in a new direction in life, and they will never encourage you in that because they can't manipulate you into being what you always were before. But they will try every play in the book to derail you emotionally. You will need to learn to disconnect the old programming in your reactions and see it for what it is, manipulation and control. You are now in control of your own life, every choice you make leads you to more freedom or more entrenched childhood cycles. Pursue things that actually bring joy and freedom to make yourself better. Change is always a hard thing because we tend to prefer the familiar even when it is harmful. 

 

 

[sdelsolray]

@ZenPaladin

 

Perhaps you could write a letter to your father expressing how you feel and have it delivered to him before he dies.