I Feel Trapped. What Do I Do?

[Casualfanboy16]

I don't really know how to start this off, so I'll just get straight to the point: I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

 

I am a gay guy in a more conservative and rural area of the US and I feel like a bird trapped inside a cage. I came out to my Right-leaning Christian parents recently (refer to one of my previous posts for that whole shebang) and I don't know where to go from here. I have nobody in my life to relate to my struggles, save for my online friends (whom I love dearly, but I wish I had someone to relate to in my real life). The lgbt population here is almost next to nothing, minus the few people I've seen with anything pride related on, who are only strangers to me and I don't want to approach them because I am not out publicly and the attitudes towards lgbt people from religious and non-religious people alike is less than favorable. I have friends that I'm out to, but they are all straight and one of them still hangs out with me despite his disapproval of my "lifestyle". I feel so alone here. I desperately want connection with real people who share some similar experiences to mine. I want more gay guy friends-- not solely for the purpose of dating them, but also friendship and mutual understanding of struggles. I feel like not having these connections is really a detriment to my mental health.

 

Speaking of mental health, I struggle with anxiety quite a bit. I started taking Lexapro a couple months ago,  which does help, but the issue isn't really solved because medication isn't a cure-all, unfortunately. I wish it were that easy sometimes. On top of this, ever since my teen years, I always struggled with self-doubt, not having any self-confidence, being stuck in a perpetual cycle of mental torture by my inner critic, and just being lazy in some areas of life which made me feel incompetent at doing basic tasks because I couldn't do them perfectly because of my impossible standards for myself. Luckily, there is some improvement, but I feel slow at everything.

 

I'm also scared because I don't really know what I want to do with my life, and it's not like I can rely on "God's Plan" for my life because it's not like I believe in him anyway. I feel like I'm just drifting through life currently. I have talents. I mean I can draw and to some extent write, but my motivation to do either is nonexistent. The problem is, I want to do it. I want to create and grow as an artist and writer and make things that people will enjoy. I don't give a shit about profit, but unfortunately to survive in this world I have to use my talents and skills to earn enough to make a living and with the state of things, I feel like that's impossible. I can't even gather up the motivation to pick up my tablet pen or extensively study shapes and anatomy and color and all that artist stuff or learn writing. I want to make something meaningful. I have an untapped creative oil well of ideas and I hate that it feels like it's going to waste because I spent so much time degrading myself and falling into laziness and finding time to draw is hard enough with my horribly inconsistent work schedule already. I want to stop making all these excuses and cut down these mental barriers so fucking badly. I have so much potential that feels like it's going to waste.

 

I also struggle with insecurity regarding my lack of knowledge on some things and my slow learning abilities. Even though I'm gay and as a result caught in the crossfire of political debate, my knowledge of politics isn't that great. I know enough to know roughly where I stand (left-leaning I suppose, don't know the specific group or sub-group, but I'm definitely not Conservative or Republican or whatever) but I feel stupid because I consistently forget how the U.S. government operates and economics and other things, I'm not the best when it comes to remembering political terminology or our own country's history. I hate debating already and having my existence be the debate and having to defend my existence feels so exhausting and I'm not good under pressure, which you might not expect because generally with online discussion I can at least think before I speak. 

 

I'm also a bit insecure with my lack of dating experience, even though I know enough to know that I need to work on myself more before I do that for obvious reasons. I guess growing up seeing people couple up, even if they didn't last, made me jealous. Even seeing the very limited amount of gay couples just existing in public made me jealous because they had something I didn't- a partner. I am admittedly scared of dying alone, but I'm only 20 so I should stop worrying so much. I want to experience life with someone else I love who loves me back too. I want to create lasting memories with them. Get through the good and bad together. I might be romanticizing this quite a bit, but I have no experience for relationships and kinda long for that sort of thing even though I know I have to put that aside and focus on myself for now, even though it's tough.

 

I just want to work on myself so badly. I want to gain confidence in myself and get motivated to reach my goals even when it's hard. I want to find my people, and maybe one day, a partner whom I will spend the rest of my life with. It just feels so hard when I can't fully break free. I have dreams, goals and aspirations, yet everything feels out of reach and seems to drift further away. I so desperately want to love myself, find purpose, find community in the real world (I'm still grateful for my online friends and everyone here in this forum though. I feel like I found a good place for me to help me overcome this particular period of my life, so thank you all for being alive and here).

 

But yes, if you have any advice or articles or anything or words of encouragement since I feel like I'm just floating by in this world without a purpose, please, please, please help.

 

Yours Truly,

Casual

[◊ Weezer ◊]

HA!  The first I thought of when reading the above, was.  STAY AWAY FROM POLITICS UNTIL YOU GET OTHER STUFF WORKED OUT!  I decided to get more involved after retirement, and now almost wish I had never heard the word.  

 

I have had some courses in writing.  From your writing here, I am telling you, you have abilities in that area.  You have good personal insights.  Good logic.  Courage.  And if I am not mistaken, honesty.  Yes, the gayness is a hurtle, but you have more going for you that he average person on the street.  There are employers (and schools)(colleges) out there looking for people with the qualities yu have.

 

It would help in giving advise to know more about you.  State you live in.  Going to college?  Working?  At what?  Life experience?  childhood heros?  Mentors?  present heros, or simply professions you respect?   

 

Two of the best things that happened to me were to get out of the small town I was in, by joining the Air Force.  Then after coming down with diabetes and being discharged, went out of state to college.  That reminds me.  Colleges often have services to help you explore interests and possibilities.  Basically, the "ruts" you can get into in a small town are not in your best interest.

[Casualfanboy16]

17 minutes ago, Weezer said:

HA!  The first I thought of when reading the above, was.  STAY AWAY FROM POLITICS UNTIL YOU GET OTHER STUFF WORKED OUT!  I decided to get more involved after retirement, and now almost wish I had never heard the word.  

Oh God yeah, tell me about it. I fucking hate politics and like the topic in general. I still want to remain informed, but tbh I'm kinda sick of it because my Dad has Newsmax and Fox News on for like nearly 24/7 and that enough is psychological torture, especially when the topic of LGBT people comes up. It's like I want to be more politically involved, especially with the state of LGBT rights in America right now, but I understand that yeah working stuff out for myself should be a higher priority.

 

24 minutes ago, Weezer said:

I have had some courses in writing.  From your writing here, I am telling you, you have abilities in that area.  You have good personal insights.  Good logic.  Courage.  And if I am not mistaken, honesty.  Yes, the gayness is a hurtle, but you have more going for you that he average person on the street.  There are employers (and schools)(colleges) out there looking for people with the qualities yu have.

Wow! Thanks so much for that!! Usually I tell myself I'm not that good or worth much in that area because I always felt the way I wrote was lackluster and average at best, but I'm glad someone sees potential in my abilities.

 

27 minutes ago, Weezer said:

It would help in giving advise to know more about you.  State you live in.  Going to college?  Working?  At what?  Life experience?  childhood heros?  Mentors?  present heros, or simply professions you respect?   

I wasn't too keen about giving the state I live in, but fuck it. It's Pennsylvania. As for college, I don't really see myself going for a variety of reasons (not really 100% knowing what I want yet, the cost of college and the debt I could rack up from it, and overall if my indecisiveness causes me to switch up things then that's probably more money down the drain). As for life experience, I've only been alive for 20 years at this point so I don't think I have that much experience. I mean I have a job bagging groceries and such and I might be switching to something else with higher pay if the universe opens up that opportunity for me so woohoo!

 

As for childhood heroes, don't really have any that I can think of at the moment (I'm typing this up at midnight. My brain is not functioning to full capacity). As for people I respect, it would be just artists and others in general that had a part in creating media that I like (Omori, Mieruko-chan, Duncan and Eddie are some of my recent favorite things) and the art I especially love and the stories they're able to tell and I just love art for that ability to give visuals and stories just by all these different elements coming together to make something amazing, coupled with writing and such to create compelling stories with characters I care about, or just having silly goofy shenanigans in comics with no real plot.

 

42 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Two of the best things that happened to me were to get out of the small town I was in, by joining the Air Force.  Then after coming down with diabetes and being discharged, went out of state to college.  That reminds me.  Colleges often have services to help you explore interests and possibilities.  Basically, the "ruts" you can get into in a small town are not in your best interest.

Yeah. Getting out of a small town is what I'm aiming for. I'm not too fond of cities or anywhere with a hustle and bustle atmosphere with large crowds of people and I much prefer getting out and walking in nature or being decently close to it so I don't have to travel far. It's something I like about living here because at least I have nature to look at and be surrounded by.

 

I'm kinda looking for an area that's close to nature, but not like remote or too isolated. Like there's people around, but not city levels of populated. Also it's close to things and I don't have to drive too far for much of anything. That stuff, and also a thriving lgbt population so hopefully I can meet people like me. There might be some things I missed at the end there, but that pretty much sums it up.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

A lot of what you're going through is normal, at your age.  We attach a lot of significance to certain milestones in life; and you have reached several of them in the past few years: 16 and able to legally drive a car, high school graduation, 18 and legally an adult.  It's normal to feel like you've hit these milestones, so now what the hell are you supposed to do?  Nobody ever really explains all of that; and we're often left with a sense of emptiness, anti-climax, or anxiety, rather than the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction we've been led to expect.  Add to that the confusion, awkwardness, and anxiety that also comes along with exploring sexual identity, navigating relationships, and experimenting with identity and self-actualization.

 

The good news is that millions of people have already been through it and were successful.  The bad news is that you never fully learn how to juggle it all; you just get used to the motions and process.  I hit 2 milestones this year--the birth of my little girl, and the big 5-0 birthday.  I still have no idea what it means to be a new father at 50; but I know I have whatever it's going to take to get the job done.

 

You've got a pretty level head; and you are stronger than you realize.  I suspect you'll find the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even in the midst of jitters and butterflies.  And I know you will someday look back on the path you chose and be proud of yourself for all you accomplished. 

[Casualfanboy16]

@TheRedneckProfessor Yeah, I guess one thing I should stop doing is being so hard on myself and instead congratulating myself on my milestones. Even when I reached certain milestones like being able to drive and being an adult, I never really felt that sense of accomplishment for these milestones. It just felt not really special to me and I don't know why. I never gave myself the time to be proud of my accomplishments because I guess I focused too much on the negatives that accomplishing things didn't feel all that special even though I should have been proud of myself. I think too, with me being excessively self-critical to a fault and being too overly self-aware of my flaws and an overthinker to the point I overlooked my accomplishments and instead magnified my failures and shortcomings is another issue that I need to overcome.

 

With my sexuality, I never really got to build a sense of pride in myself with that either, being stuck in a Conservative area where lgbt people aren't really fully understood and often othered by both Christians and non-Christians alike. I pretty much internalized a lot of that shame and all the things I've heard people speak about lgbt people have stuck with me like some kind of leech that I can't rip off. It's hard to feel confident in your identity when the people in your life don't fully see you as a human being, but rather a sinner, political agenda pusher, abomination or abnormality, etc. The people that don't care are few and far between, but even then are still straight or conservative leaning and don't fully understand the harm being done to the community, even to this day when more than ever lgbt rights are hanging in the balance-- especially trans people and drag queens being a hot button issue in the Conservative political sphere currently. It also sucks hearing people say "why should we be forced to accept or care about them when they're only 3% of the population" It's definitely higher than 3% I believe, but that's still quite a lot of people. 240,000,000 people to be exact,  even if it's statistically incorrect, I think I'd still care about them no matter how large or small the lgbt population is. It's pretty depressing too that some people are dismissive of the struggles of lgbt people and other minority groups and actively advocate for laws and vote for political candidates that make our lives hell so they can feel more comfortable with existing around us in the world. That being said, I'm still proud with how far we've come in terms of lgbt rights. It still needs major work, but I'm grateful I have the opportunity to be able to see gay marriage legal and see representation in media and lgbt acceptance slowly improve despite the pushback in certain places.

 

Also, congrats on reaching 50 and the birth of your daughter!! That's awesome and I wish you the best with raising her! I may be 30 years younger and childless, but I'm cheering you on throughout all this and I'm sure you'll make a great father. I hope to be a father too someday, but more so a Cat Dad lol.

 

Thanks for having faith in me, even when I don't have it in myself a lot of the time. Everyone here means a lot to me, especially since I just joined this site rather recently and I feel like I found a good place to unpack my issues and pick apart the years of Christian doctrine I've been force-fed since birth and grow as a human being. I may still have my issues, but I'm hoping through my time here I can improve on my own terms without the need to frantically flip through Bible verses like a crazy person looking for validation from a religion and kinda messed up God that I don't really see myself worshiping because the Bible feels like it's a bunch of baloney anyway and God seems inconsistent on multiple fronts. Having faith in something like that seems like a waste of time and I can't believe I spent so long being held captive by this religion. I have a lot to learn (and un-learn), but I hope I can become the person I want to be and get past this difficult and confusing period in my life.

 

Again, thank you all here for taking me in with open arms and being such wonderful human beings. It means the world to me (and the vast endlessness of the cosmos and beyond haha).

[◊ Weezer ◊]

14 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

 

I'm also scared because I don't really know what I want to do with my life,

 

I feel like I'm just drifting through life currently.

 

 I want to make something meaningful.

 

 

Like Professor said above, those things are pretty normal at your age.  And it is different today than it was in the old days when our direction and purpose in life was often, more or less, laid out for us.  And there weren't that many choices.  The only jobs in town might be for a carpenter, or a blacksmith. Today with the thousands of choices we have, you just have to look at your interests and abilities (as I was indicating above) and determine which way you want to go.   And it is very common these days for people to change their minds after going in a certain direction for a while, and at times making a huge shift in vocational direction.  I was 26 years old before finding a general direction to go in ilfe, and even made another minor change at 50 years of age, when leaving church related employment.

 

I don't know if this is true in your case, but when people leave the belief, that to love god and keep his commandments is their purpose in life, it can leave a void.  How I solved that was to look at nature.  What are all living things in life (including humans) "programmed" to do?  To keep life, alive.  The sex drive in animals/hmans is obvious, as is the planting of seeds in the vegetable world.  And there is more.  Quality of life.  Everything (including humans) has conditions under which they grow and thrive best.  I decide to steer my life in that general direction.  And when I came to that conclusion, some Jesus statements came to mind.  "I am come that they may have life, and have it more abundently".  And then it occured to me that he summarized how to do that in part of "the greatest commandment".   "Love (respect) neighbor as self".  

 

So when you look at those things Jesus reportedly said, and at nature, They are in harmony.  No magical religion.  Just logicic.  I hope this helps, and I have some more specific suggestions I will take to personal message.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

5 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

It's pretty depressing too that some people are dismissive of the struggles of lgbt people and other minority groups and actively advocate for laws and vote for political candidates that make our lives hell so they can feel more comfortable with existing around us in the world.

 

Well the problem is the two party system and the wedge issues that our politicians use against us to divide us. I have no problem with the LGBT community. I don't particularly like the new pronouns, "they,them, etc". But that isn't even exclusively a LGBT thing. There are straight people changing pronouns and maybe I'm just old. But I don't see the logic. But I was all for gay marriage way before it was legalized. I think it was a long time past due. 

 

That being said, I support gun rights. So I have a choice to make when it comes to voting. Because gun rights is probably my biggest hot button issue I usually either vote third party or republican according to how much danger I feel my gun rights are in. It isn't that I'm voting against LGBT rights. Not at all. I'm voting for my rights to bear arms. Because I feel that as long as we keep that right, if they try to trample other rights like Gay rights. We have a better chance to fight for those rights if we ever had to. 

 

The reason I like libertarians is because they share most of my core values. They don't try to take away constitutional rights. You want an abortion... get an abortion. You want a gun... get a gun. You want to marry someone of the same sex? Go ahead. And I feel like that is the way we need to be. If it is a right, don't try to restrict it just because you don't like it.

 

Unfortunately the two major parties keep is so fiercely divided that we feel like any vote not for either republican or Democrat is a wasted vote. Which is exactly what the two parties want us to feel. That way they don't have any other competition other than each other. If we could just get a large number of voter to vote for 3rd party in just one election it would send a message to both parties that they need to change their values and agendas. That it isn't speaking to Americans anymore. Then we could see change. 

 

Ok stepping off my soap box. 

 

DB

[Casualfanboy16]

59 minutes ago, DarkBishop said:

Well the problem is the two party system and the wedge issues that our politicians use against us to divide us. I have no problem with the LGBT community. I don't particularly like the new pronouns, "they,them, etc". But that isn't even exclusively a LGBT thing. There are straight people changing pronouns and maybe I'm just old. But I don't see the logic. But I was all for gay marriage way before it was legalized. I think it was a long time past due. 

Yeah I'm not a fan of the two-party system much either. If anything it causes more divide than unification. When it comes to pronouns and stuff, I'm not particularly bothered. It's just like for me "If you want me to use they/them I don't mind". I know there's a whole bunch of other pronouns too, but I never came across anyone who uses them outside of internet spaces and I still don't know how to use them in a sentence. Also yeah, gay marriage was loooong overdue. I never understood why people would be opposed to two consenting adults who love each other who happen to be of the same sex, even for "religious reasons". Like, if it doesn't affect you and they are happy together, then why do you guys care? Even if it violates the Christian definition of marriage, I never understood why they get so uppity about it. Like again, it doesn't effect them. They aren't the ones getting married, so why do you care?? Like I get so fed up with Christians not approving of gay marriage. I know the Bible is clear people like me are abominations that aren't deserving of eternal salvation, but why would you deny two consenting adults the right to marry when they don't even follow your beliefs or extremely rigid definition of marriage?? That's just my thoughts on that though. Like why do I have to be a political issue? I just wanna have a decent enough life, man.

 

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

The reason I like libertarians is because they share most of my core values. They don't try to take away constitutional rights. You want an abortion... get an abortion. You want a gun... get a gun. You want to marry someone of the same sex? Go ahead. And I feel like that is the way we need to be. If it is a right, don't try to restrict it just because you don't like it

I'll have to look more into libertarians. I have to admit, unfortunately my severe lack of political knowledge has left me feeling confused. It's my fault, really. I spent so much time in school being overwhelmed by literally everything and my (still ongoing) sexuality hellscape of epic proportions that it kinda consumed every aspect of my life and as a result I am really really really behind and have a rudimentary understanding of how government works, various social and economic issues and lots of things that I should have grasped if it weren't for the fact my entire teenage years were consumed by doubt, fear, hopelessness and wishing God would just kill me before I reached adulthood because I felt like a dumb useless piece of shit and now that I'm 20 I feel lost because I spent so much time worrying and being a perfectionist rather than expanding my knowledge and understanding of a variety of subjects, but that's another problem that I have to tackle. I got a little off topic at the end there. Sorry!

 

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

Unfortunately the two major parties keep is so fiercely divided that we feel like any vote not for either republican or Democrat is a wasted vote. Which is exactly what the two parties want us to feel. That way they don't have any other competition other than each other. If we could just get a large number of voter to vote for 3rd party in just one election it would send a message to both parties that they need to change their values and agendas. That it isn't speaking to Americans anymore. Then we could see change. 

Again, I definitely agree with this. To me, it seems like anymore with politics it seems like people go all like "You need to vote for x party or you are a bad person" and I don't agree with that. I kinda see myself as a mix between certain aspects of both parties. I still consider myself rather left-leaning personally, (I don't know the specifics. Again, lack of knowledge lol) but there are some things I agree with. I'm all for gun rights, but with the influx of mass shootings here, I feel like some restrictions wouldn't be a bad idea and, maybe on top of this, improvements to the American mental health system. We may have come along way, but I feel like steps can be taken and maybe if we can improve that, we can dial down all the horrific mass shootings if these people would get the proper treatment they need rather than going on a murderous rampage and gunning down innocent people.

 

That's my take on stuff, anyway. Hopefully I articulated that all well enough. Politics and the internet don't mix well for me lol I was afraid of typing this up because I have seen comment sections turn into warzones and I want to steer clear of accidentally creating one, so hopefully I conveyed my thoughts well enough.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

The thing about people like you and me, @Casualfanboy16 (writers, artists, lovers of Babymetal) is that we just don't feel things the same way other people do.  We feel an intensity others cannot fathom over things most people wouldn't give a second thought to.  Then we turn right around and feel disappointed over something everybody else thought was the greatest thing ever. 

 

For a long time, there was a huge disconnect between "me" and my emotions.  Somebody would say something and I wouldn't realize until two weeks later that whatever they said was uncalled for and I was pissed at them.  A lot of that, for me, was the indoctrination of my childhood; because emotions were sinful.  Anger was a definite sin.  Sadness meant I didn't have the joy of the lord.  Embarrassment meant I was ashamed of how god made me.  Et cetera, ad infinitum.  So I never really learned how to process emotions; or even to gage which emotion might be appropriate, and at which intensity. .

 

One benefit of this, now, is that I can hide outright anger behind so much humor that people think I'm probably joking, but they're never entirely sure.  It gives me an advantage; because it allows me to say exactly what needs to be said, without making a scene or getting called up to the HR office.

 

The thing is, once I started understanding better how I feel, I also realized that other people don't normally feel that same way under similar circumstances.  I've taken to Zen and mindfulness over the past few years; and it has really helped me a lot in being able to more quickly analyze the situation, process my emotions, and give a proper response (instead of a reaction).  It might be helpful for you as well.

 

Notice I never use the term "normal" when referring to other people.  I do this deliberately, for two reasons.  Firstly, I refuse to "other" myself, even if I am aware of certain quirks and idiosyncrasies.  Secondly, no one is "normal."  The only "normal" people are the ones I haven't met yet; because all the ones I have met are weird and unique in their own way.

[Casualfanboy16]

50 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

  I've taken to Zen and mindfulness over the past few years; and it has really helped me a lot in being able to more quickly analyze the situation, process my emotions, and give a proper response (instead of a reaction).  It might be helpful for you as well.

 

I actually recently got myself a journal so I can take steps to self-improvement and just emotional processing and dealing with my self-hate rut my overly critical mind has me stuck in. I actually did a slight bit of mindfulness with one of my old therapists, but I could work on that. We didn't do it too much because  I stopped seeing him after I  came out to my parents. I've never done Zen though. I'll have to look into it. Isn't that like meditation and stuff or am I wrong?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Zen, as I understand and practice it, is something of a practical form of mindfulness.  It is essentially when I consciously absorb myself in doing the thing to the complete exclusion of all other thoughts or considerations.  Whatever the thing is, whether it be making a cup of tea, putting together a report for work, changing a diaper, or tinkering in my workshop, I completely focus on nothing but doing the thing.  And I do the thing to "perfection," not in the perfectionist sense of perfection, but in the sense that I do the thing with perfect concentration and attention; and therefore the thing is done as perfectly as I can do it.

 

As with mindfulness meditation, extraneous thoughts also arise during Zen practice.  That's okay.  It's not a failure; in fact, it means that the Zen is working, because I am aware of thoughts which would normally be, if not subconscious, at least semi-conscious, when my mind runs on autopilot.  It's these "unthinking thoughts" that generally distract, confuse, and even deceive.  I simply recognize the thought as a temporary thing like a passing cloud, or a car that has some other destination besides here, now.  And then get back to doing the thing.

 

It takes a bit of practice; and I admit I'm not nearly as good as I would like to be.  But it's a lot of fun and very helpful.

[Casualfanboy16]

24 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Zen, as I understand and practice it, is something of a practical form of mindfulness.  It is essentially when I consciously absorb myself in doing the thing to the complete exclusion of all other thoughts or considerations.  Whatever the thing is, whether it be making a cup of tea, putting together a report for work, changing a diaper, or tinkering in my workshop, I completely focus on nothing but doing the thing.  And I do the thing to "perfection," not in the perfectionist sense of perfection, but in the sense that I do the thing with perfect concentration and attention; and therefore the thing is done as perfectly as I can do it.

Ok, this is all very helpful! I'll have to look more into Zen and how to put it into practice in my daily life. Also, that bit at the end there about putting perfect concentration and attention to something is something I haven't thought about, but I could try it out.

 

27 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

As with mindfulness meditation, extraneous thoughts also arise during Zen practice.  That's okay.  It's not a failure; in fact, it means that the Zen is working, because I am aware of thoughts which would normally be, if not subconscious, at least semi-conscious, when my mind runs on autopilot.  It's these "unthinking thoughts" that generally distract, confuse, and even deceive.  I simply recognize the thought as a temporary thing like a passing cloud, or a car that has some other destination besides here, now.  And then get back to doing the thing.

I actually did that with my passing thoughts. I would acknowledge them and send them on their way. I also try doing this thing where I have a conversation with my inner critic in a way. I gave it a body and a voice and formed its personality to that of a moody teenager because a lot of my inner critic is just it being a dick to me or feeding on my fears. So I try to "talk" to it, try to figure out what's wrong and act like a parent to it in a weird way. It's an unusual method, I know. I got inspired by the game Celeste to do this. (Highly recommend it by the way if you like difficult 2D precision-platformers. It also has themes of dealing with anxiety and depression, which I love because I am drawn to games where characters are mentally going through it. That kinda sounds messed up lmfao, but I just enjoy it when people make stories about dealing with mental health issues. Like Omori, Celeste, Night in the Woods, etc. Got a bit off topic at the end. Just get excited about that stuff.

[freshstart]

@Casualfanboy16 It sounds like you are coping in the best way you know how. You also have the ability to self-reflect and seemingly good emotional intelligence. You should give yourself credit for these skills. There are people that grow old and die never learning these things.

As others have suggested, one of the best ways to break away from small-town roots and explore possibilities is to attend college. (As a current college prof, this is biased advice). Its a great way to meet people who are both similar and different from you.  And course work might boost your confidence,  knowledge, and give you some ideas about what direction to take. Most colleges have LGBTQ+ groups on campus as well as career advisement and mental health services included in tuition. The problem is the expense of tuition. But many schools are adapting to allow students a schedule that will also allow at least a part-time work schedule. There are also work-study programs, scholarships, government aid and, of course, loans. Many employers also offer tuition assistance. Maybe make an appointment to start a discussion about this with a school admissions advisor nearest to you?

I have taught at 2 colleges and I can tell you that there are many people still trying to figure things out and making career changes, often decades later in life. So go easy on yourself. Be patient. I like the idea of clearing your head of the busy, anxious thoughts (mindfulness, meditation, zen, etc.) so that you can listen for the small, quiet voice of reason that is so elusive , but seems to exist in all of us.

Best wishes to you!

PS. I had many relatives in northern PA and it was a super conservative, very religious (Christian) area. Sounds like it still is. But it was also one of my favorite places. I loved the countryside.

 

[Wertbag]

What I found helped me with depression was to find your joy.  Find that thing that either excites you or positively grows you towards a goal that you'd love to achieve.  In my case I got into martial arts, gaining skills, fitness and making friends along the way, but there are so many things you can invest your time in from learning a language, learning a musical instrument, learning computer programming or graphics/animation, hit the gym or setup a home gym (you don't need fancy equipment, you can work out with next to nothing and at no cost), write a book, join a D&D group or study a subject that interests you.  Anything that you can throw yourself into and will keep your mind engaged.  When you are focused on the task at hand you aren't dwelling on the negatives.  The people you meet who do the same hobby will already have a subject in common, so it's easier to find people to talk to and the ice is already broken.

With your short-term joy planned, then consider the long-term goals.  Moving to another area sounds like a plan, and suggestions of college or military service could achieve that.  Otherwise, it can be a goal you work towards, saving money and researching jobs that you could move to.  Maybe something you haven't considered like working on a cruise ship, working at a campground, a park ranger or joining the police.  Some of these jobs will open doors to allow you to work in areas you may never have considered.  I'm not sure on how you would get into an exchange student program, but I've heard of people living overseas while studying, so could be worth looking into if that is of interest.

Romance wise I'd suggest putting that on hold temporarily, and focus on getting a plan in place, finding your joy and getting to a point where you can see that light at the end of the tunnel.  Once you achieve some goals, have some direction and can see some positive change coming, then depending on where you end up you can look for lgbt groups in your area.  

[Henndigo]

Is going overseas backpacking for an extended period of time an option for you?  It might be considered an acceptable reason to leave your community in an open ended, positive way.  
You will find you will meet up with people from very different walks of life in your travels and it give you the freedom to explore who you really are without the pressure or worry of rejection from your conservative environment.

I am in Australia and many young people go overseas, often to Asia or Europe as a rite of passage before they settle down.  They can be away for as a few years at a time!

 

[Casualfanboy16]

3 hours ago, Henndigo said:

Is going overseas backpacking for an extended period of time an option for you?  It might be considered an acceptable reason to leave your community in an open ended, positive way.  
You will find you will meet up with people from very different walks of life in your travels and it give you the freedom to explore who you really are without the pressure or worry of rejection from your conservative environment.

I am in Australia and many young people go overseas, often to Asia or Europe as a rite of passage before they settle down.  They can be away for as a few years at a time!

 

As far as I'm aware, I only ever heard of backpacking trips in the context of Christian people going over to other countries, mostly from all the chapels we had in school and stories we heard at church of people backpacking overseas. If I were to do that, I'd have to find a group outside of a religious circle or whatever because that's the exact thing I don't want to get back into lol. Also there's the added danger of being lgbt in certain places, so I'd have to be selective with where I go because I don't think I could afford the consequences of being outed. So I'd have to do my research.

[Henndigo]

12 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

As far as I'm aware, I only ever heard of backpacking trips in the context of Christian people going over to other countries, mostly from all the chapels we had in school and stories we heard at church of people backpacking overseas. If I were to do that, I'd have to find a group outside of a religious circle or whatever because that's the exact thing I don't want to get back into lol. Also there's the added danger of being lgbt in certain places, so I'd have to be selective with where I go because I don't think I could afford the consequences of being outed. So I'd have to do my research.

Yes, you would have to be careful.  In Canada, Europe, Australia and NZ you would be fine however.  

 

To be honest, the way you describe your current environment sounds very otherworldly to me.  Even though my family is fundamentalist, we were always in the minority, as most people around us do not go to church.  
We have had family members come out as gay and their partner transitioning but the very conservative family members managed it and maintained family ties, with those members at events.  Negative remarks from others in the church were not welcomed.  Blood is thicker than water and you may find your family will be the same.   I have also seen it in other families in the church with children who came out as gay.  Do you have an otherwise loving relationship with your parents or siblings?  As a parent of young adults myself, the quality of the relationship is far less conditional than that between acquaintances or even close friends.  If you have at least one family member behind you, you can cope with losing the friendships in your circle (which most likely will happen unfortunately).

 

Good luck.  There is no rush and it’s OK to take baby steps.

[Casualfanboy16]

14 minutes ago, Henndigo said:

To be honest, the way you describe your current environment sounds very otherworldly to me.  Even though my family is fundamentalist, we were always in the minority, as most people around us do not go to church.  

Honestly fr. It is rather otherworldly. I the Christian influence here is very much there. I sometimes find religious tracts, although it's a rare occurrence. I debated collecting them like Pokémon cards like "oooh I got a shiny!!!", but I didn't end up doing that in the end. It's not Bible belt crazy, but it feels weird. Not only do we have Christians being a big thing, but we have Amish too. Driving to work I see a few horse and buggies and they're always a nuisance because they're horrendously slow. I feel bad for the poor horses though. It's been super hot here they got to be dying pulling people around.

 

23 minutes ago, Henndigo said:

Do you have an otherwise loving relationship with your parents or siblings?  As a parent of young adults myself, the quality of the relationship is far less conditional than that between acquaintances or even close friends.  If you have at least one family member behind you, you can cope with losing the friendships in your circle (which most likely will happen unfortunately).

I would say my relationship with my family is loving (minus their views on lgbt people. It seems like "love the sinner, hate the sin" type of stuff. They think being gay is wrong, but they say they still love me. I know I might not talk the most positively about them, but that's just me letting off steam from just all the crap. Truth is, they are good parents. Unfortunately, their beliefs and certain past actions these last few months kinda made me not feel actually loved even though they're trying their hardest. I don't want to make them out to be complete monsters or anything, but with them it's hard sometimes. They're trying, they may have annoying views on lgbt people and their beliefs don't exactly match mine, but I can tell they're trying even if they're taking the "love the sinner, hate the sin" approach to my sexuality. I'm thankful I have good parents. They may not be completely on board with my sexuality and may have done things in the past and even now that I didn't particularly like, but I still love them and I hope they come around eventually.

 

Unfortunately I don't have any family members behind me. It's unfortunate, but what can I do? My Aunt and Uncle are the only ones who know in my immediate family because someone (Dad) couldn't keep it in because they were having a hard time. Their stances on lgbt people I don't think are any better either. They make jokes sometimes and conversation centering around that isn't the most positive.

 

As for friends, I've only ever had one Christian friend express that he doesn't support my "lifestyle", (god, I fucking hate this word so much) but he still hangs out with me and is nice to me so I guess it's better than nothing????