Fear Holding Me Hostage (Rant)

[Casualfanboy16]

I can't take this anymore. I'm consumed by fear and I don't know how to stop. No matter how much I try to think rationally about all this, no matter how much I read and watch to deconstruct everything, I still feel hopeless in trying to fight off the fear. The "what ifs" and constantly fighting against my mind is getting to me. I don't want to go back to the way everything was before. This religion has instilled fear into me, the state of the world has instilled fear into me. It feels impossible to live. I can't live like this anymore. If I'm ever gonna get further into deconstruction I need to diminish the fear and anxiety. I know I can't get rid of it. I know it's not rational but I don't know what to do or think to get it to subside I feel like I'm going crazy again and I can't do this again. I don't want to go back again. Never.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Many of us experience the 5 stages of grief during deconversion.  We all want to get to that "acceptance" stage where our minds are made up and we feel secure and certain.  The problem is that deconversion, like grief, is a process, not a one-time event.  The good news is that it is a process that can be trusted, even when your feelings, emotions, and thoughts cannot.  Remember that you are feeling what you have been conditioned to feel, through indoctrination and societal pressures during your formative years.  It will take time (and courage) to feel something new. 

 

Bear in mind, also, that the opposite of fear is not courage; it's knowledge.  You are launching out into many Great Unknowns in your life, as you move into adulthood, explore sexuality, and discover your true Self.  But you are also taking the time and responsibility of arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can in order to rise to the challenges that lie ahead.  Knowledge is also often more trustworthy than emotions and feelings. 

 

Lastly, keep in mind that everything is impermanent. These fears and nagging doubts are temporary, irrespective of how strongly they present themselves.  Like any other thoughts, they can be handled with mindfulness and Zen.  When you see a car passing by on the street, you do not allow that car, nor its passing, to define you.  You remain You, knowing that the car is just a car, the street is just a street, and the car passing you on the street is simply an event that occurred--a moment in time.  These things are separate from You, distinct entities that have no bearing on the quintessential You. 

 

Thoughts and feelings are the same.  They are not You.  The thought is just a thought, the feeling is just a feeling, and the thought passing through your mind is just an event that occurred--separate and distinct, and having no bearing on the quintessential You.  Observe these thoughts and feelings; but pass no judgment on them, give no credence to them, and lend them no power.  For the only power they otherwise have over you, is the power you give them.

 

You are doing well, my son; and I am proud of you. 

[Casualfanboy16]

1 hour ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Many of us experience the 5 stages of grief during deconversion.  We all want to get to that "acceptance" stage where our minds are made up and we feel secure and certain.  The problem is that deconversion, like grief, is a process, not a one-time event.  The good news is that it is a process that can be trusted, even when your feelings, emotions, and thoughts cannot.  Remember that you are feeling what you have been conditioned to feel, through indoctrination and societal pressures during your formative years.  It will take time (and courage) to feel something new. 

 

Bear in mind, also, that the opposite of fear is not courage; it's knowledge.  You are launching out into many Great Unknowns in your life, as you move into adulthood, explore sexuality, and discover your true Self.  But you are also taking the time and responsibility of arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can in order to rise to the challenges that lie ahead.  Knowledge is also often more trustworthy than emotions and feelings. 

 

Lastly, keep in mind that everything is impermanent. These fears and nagging doubts are temporary, irrespective of how strongly they present themselves.  Like any other thoughts, they can be handled with mindfulness and Zen.  When you see a car passing by on the street, you do not allow that car, nor its passing, to define you.  You remain You, knowing that the car is just a car, the street is just a street, and the car passing you on the street is simply an event that occurred--a moment in time.  These things are separate from You, distinct entities that have no bearing on the quintessential You. 

 

Thoughts and feelings are the same.  They are not You.  The thought is just a thought, the feeling is just a feeling, and the thought passing through your mind is just an event that occurred--separate and distinct, and having no bearing on the quintessential You.  Observe these thoughts and feelings; but pass no judgment on them, give no credence to them, and lend them no power.  For the only power they otherwise have over you, is the power you give them.

 

You are doing well, my son; and I am proud of you. 

 

Wow thanks so much! I keep forgetting that just because I have a thought or whatever doesn't mean I have to buy into it or give it power. I've come to realize that a lot of my issues stem from fear. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of a lot of other things. I got to a point where I had the epiphany that the common thread for a majority of my issues is fear, but now the question is where do I go from here? I have no idea honestly. I'm gonna look into some zen and mindfulness things. Maybe that's a better place to start rather than fixating on the Bible right now. I want to gain knowledge, but fear is holding me back from doing so. I'm done with that shit. I need to fight fear with knowledge. Evolution, science in general, history of the Bible, etc. The Bible can wait. Gonna need more knowledge before I read through the damn thing. (If you have any articles or anything that would be helpful. Dark Bishop introduced me to Bart Ehrman, but I was wondering what you got on stuff like this). I'll take anything to get on the right track here. I don't know where to start. Bible History, Science and Evolution, etc. There's just so much to learn!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

32 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Dark Bishop introduced me to Bart Ehrman, but I was wondering what you got on stuff like this). I'll take anything to get on the right track here. I don't know where to start. Bible History, Science and Evolution, etc.

Here are a few books I'd recommend. 

[Casualfanboy16]

2 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Here are a few books I'd recommend. 

Ah thank you so much! I'll check them out whenever I can. Maybe I can find an online copy or a reading of it on YouTube. Probably wouldn't be wise to buy books about Evolution when you're still under your Christian parent's roof and still rely on them for things currently.

[TABA]

4 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Probably wouldn't be wise to buy books about Evolution when you're still under your Christian parent's roof and still rely on them for things currently.

Understood!  But you may be able to borrow digital copies from your local library and read discreetly on a phone or tablet.  You’ll need a library card and then go to Overdrive.com and HooplaDigital.com.  I use these all the time, especially Overdrive and its Libby app.

[Casualfanboy16]

2 minutes ago, TABA said:

Understood!  But you may be able to borrow digital copies from your local library and read discreetly on a phone or tablet.  You’ll need a library card and then go to Overdrive.com and HooplaDigital.com.  I use these all the time, especially Overdrive and its Libby app.

Man, it's been a while since I got anything from the library or even been to one. Gonna check out the Libby app thing. Get a library card too. Thanks for sharing this!

[Hierophant]

I know this feeling. It is perfectly normal, and many people go through it, me included. 

 

Best advice - do not read the Bible. You are only going to make things worse. Your mind is not prepared to revisit that text without reverting to your traditional method of reading/interpreting it. 

 

What I do recommend is diving into critical scholars such as Robert M. Price, Bart Ehrman, and Richard Carrier. If having literature like that around the house is not really feasible, try "The Human Bible" Podcast from Robert M. Price. The first few dozen are free. I found this to be a nice segway to understanding Biblical criticism and reframing the Bible. 

 

A good printed or audiobook I recommend is Aron Ra's Foundational Falsehoods of Creationism. Very basic science to get you started regarding evolution and how Biblical creation does not line up with our knowledge of the earth.

[TABA]

9 minutes ago, Hierophant said:

If having literature like that around the house is not really feasible, try "The Human Bible" Podcast from Robert M. Price. The first few dozen are free.

I second this!  As far as I know, the free podcasts (Episodes 1-35) are only available at the link below.  Streaming only, no download, I think.

 

https://archives.centerforinquiry.org/human_bible/

[Casualfanboy16]

10 minutes ago, Hierophant said:

I know this feeling. It is perfectly normal, and many people go through it, me included. 

 

Best advice - do not read the Bible. You are only going to make things worse. Your mind is not prepared to revisit that text without reverting to your traditional method of reading/interpreting it. 

Yeah I kinda figured that. I kinda posted this out of fear and desperation at first. My anxiety meds weren't kicked in yet I guess lol. My mind is still working against me trying to get me back to my old ways.

 

15 minutes ago, Hierophant said:

What I do recommend is diving into critical scholars such as Robert M. Price, Bart Ehrman, and Richard Carrier. If having literature like that around the house is not really feasible, try "The Human Bible" Podcast from Robert M. Price. The first few dozen are free. I found this to be a nice segway to understanding Biblical criticism and reframing the Bible. 

 

A good printed or audiobook I recommend is Aron Ra's Foundational Falsehoods of Creationism. Very basic science to get you started regarding evolution and how Biblical creation does not line up with our knowledge of the earth.

Alright! Thank you for your recommendations! I'll be sure to search them up! Thanks to everyone who commented here (and also @DarkBishop for being the one to recommend me Bart Ehrman in the first place Among the others who have as well. He hasn't commented here yet, but might as well give him credit for introducing him to me)!

 

Again, thanks everyone for your advice and contributions to this particular post so I can start learning all the science and history stuff! I'm glad everyone is so nice here and is helping me get through this particularly difficult, stressful and confusing time in my life right now!

[Casualfanboy16]

16 minutes ago, TABA said:

I second this!  As far as I know, the free podcasts (Episodes 1-35) are only available here.  Streaming only, no download, I think.

 

https://archives.centerforinquiry.org/human_bible/

Thank you so much! I'll be sure to check them out when I can!

[Casualfanboy16]

9 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Many of us experience the 5 stages of grief during deconversion.  We all want to get to that "acceptance" stage where our minds are made up and we feel secure and certain.  The problem is that deconversion, like grief, is a process, not a one-time event.  The good news is that it is a process that can be trusted, even when your feelings, emotions, and thoughts cannot.  Remember that you are feeling what you have been conditioned to feel, through indoctrination and societal pressures during your formative years.  It will take time (and courage) to feel something new. 

 

Bear in mind, also, that the opposite of fear is not courage; it's knowledge.  You are launching out into many Great Unknowns in your life, as you move into adulthood, explore sexuality, and discover your true Self.  But you are also taking the time and responsibility of arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can in order to rise to the challenges that lie ahead.  Knowledge is also often more trustworthy than emotions and feelings. 

 

Lastly, keep in mind that everything is impermanent. These fears and nagging doubts are temporary, irrespective of how strongly they present themselves.  Like any other thoughts, they can be handled with mindfulness and Zen.  When you see a car passing by on the street, you do not allow that car, nor its passing, to define you.  You remain You, knowing that the car is just a car, the street is just a street, and the car passing you on the street is simply an event that occurred--a moment in time.  These things are separate from You, distinct entities that have no bearing on the quintessential You. 

 

Thoughts and feelings are the same.  They are not You.  The thought is just a thought, the feeling is just a feeling, and the thought passing through your mind is just an event that occurred--separate and distinct, and having no bearing on the quintessential You.  Observe these thoughts and feelings; but pass no judgment on them, give no credence to them, and lend them no power.  For the only power they otherwise have over you, is the power you give them.

 

You are doing well, my son; and I am proud of you. 

Honestly, I just read this again and I loved it so much I proceeded to copy and paste it in my notes just moments ago. Also the line "Bear in mind, also, that the opposite of fear is not courage; it's knowledge." is so good I never thought about it like that before.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I have wisdom beyond my ears, I suppose.  Not much between them, though.  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

If you ever have suicidal thoughts, dial 988.  

 

And another website with professionally trained people is "Recovering from Religion". 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

10 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

 

I have wisdom beyond my ears, I suppose. 

 

Yep.  You do.  I think I mentioned this before, but you should consider going professional with it.

[Casualfanboy16]

31 minutes ago, Weezer said:

And another website with professionally trained people is "Recovering from Religion". 

Ah okay, I'll check out that website right now! Thank you!!

 

Edit: I LOVE IT. THERE'S SO MANY TOPICS TOO WOW THANK YOU!!!