My Deconstruction from Reformed Evangelical Christianity

[TheApostatePaul]

Hello, 

I wanted to share my testimony of my deconversion for all those who are either interested or are in the middle of questioning their faith. I was raised as a reformed Christian in the Presbyterian Church of America (PCA). I read through the entire bible when I was 14 and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. Since then, Christianity had always been crucial in my life. I met my wife in college and we dated 4 years before we were married. We were devoted enough to save ourselves for married which is not exactly easy when dating for as long as we did but we made it. After college, I went to further my studies to become an eye doctor. My last year of school, COVID struck and I had a lot of time to spend reading and watching youtube videos. I stumbled on the podcast about Rhett and Link's spiritual deconstruction. A long time fan of Rhett and Link, I could tell just from watching their videos that they had some Christian undertones so I assumed that they were Christians. My curiosity got the better of me and I watched their videos. During Rhett's deconversion story, he went over the scientific evidence for macroevolution and how humans descended from the great apes. As a young earth creationist, I had rejected evolution and I figured there must have been some explanation for why the earth appeared older than it was and maybe there was an error with carbon dating. I honestly had not given it a ton of thought. Well, Rhett started going through the genetic evidence for evolution and what I learned shook me to my core. I was a microbiology major in college so I took my fair share of biochemistry and genetics. When he started to go over endogenous retroviruses and the fusion of the human 2&3rd chromosome, I had finally consented that evolution must be true. That acknowledgement opened up a whole set of questions like: did Adam and Eve really exist? If not, how did original sin occur? Was the world really "good" if there was millions of years of death, and chaos? Eventually, I finally came to terms with evolution and how it could fit in with Christianity. Only, I didn't really. Those doubts laid dormant until the release of the documentary "Shiny, Happy People." I watch how such a large sect of Christians preached the toxic purity culture, and other toxic, manipulative doctrines that are indeed found in the New Testament. These people honed in on the roles of men and women and used these doctrines for their own increase of power. How could God not protect his people in his church? How could got let church leaders abuse and manipulate people and let those people go to the gave before their transgressions come to light? What about those abusive leaders who's transgressions never came to light? Were they Christians? Are they in heaven right now? And how could Christ's church be so divided? There are thousands of different denominations and each one thinks their way is the truth. I finally decided that I was going to write down every question I had and I wasn't going to care if some of those questions were offensive to God. I decided I was going to take the red pill and see where it took me. If this was true, it should surely be evident. If truth produces light, it'll shine in the darkness right? Or is christianity more like the moon, that only reflects the light of another source. Maybe Christianity only seemed like a light but ceases to shine when the light source is extinguished. So I did write those questions down and I went about searching for the answers to those questions. I read about the history of the church (Bart Ehrman), ethical problems with Christianity (Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris), Progressive Christiany (Richard Rohr), and many others. When I started to learn about why the Jews rejected Jesus, my whole world turned upside down. If you study the old testament, you'll find that Jesus simply does not fit the description of the long awaited messiah. If you're interested in this you can look up Rabbi Tovia Singer on either Youtube or his website Outreachjudaism. He broke everything down. Some of the things he said I disagreed with but he proved from the scriptures that: there is no room in the OT for the doctrine of the trinity, there are multiple ways to be atoned with God (Repentance being the main way), the book of Matthew distorts the Old Testament Text, Paul grossly abuses Scripture as well as the author of Hebrews, Hell is not a Jewish idea, Psalm 53 is not about Jesus, and many other very valid points. This man absolutely blew my mind. No, I did not convert to Judaism. There are actually some major ethical problems with the Abrahamic God. I finally put the last nail in Christianity's coffin. I'm not coming back to this faith. I just can't make myself believe no more than I can make myself believe that Middle Earth is a real place.  My story isn't even close to over. I have a 3 year old girl and a 1 month old son. My wife is still very much in the faith and I feel like I betrayed her somehow. She would have never married me if she had known this would have happened and I don't blame her. She wants to get my son baptized and we still haven't discussed what that's going to look like. I'm currently still technically a member of my church. I still attend for my wife's sake. I haven't mentioned my shift in beliefs to my pastor or any of my church friends. I live in the bible belt where >75% of the state goes to church. All of my friends are Christians. The preaching in the pulpit about persecution because of Christianity is a joke. At least in the bible belt. Acting like being a Christian in the south can make you an outcast is such bullshit. I've never felt more alone that I am now. I feel like I'm in hiding. Like my beliefs are taboo, because they are. Anyway, if there's anyone reading this who can relate, I hope you know you're not alone. And I know I'm not alone, hence this website. Thanks for the support

[older]

3 hours ago, TheApostatePaul said:

There are actually some major ethical problems with the Abrahamic God.

  

That's the understatement of the year.

 

And welcome. Hope you'll continue to share and contribute.

[TABA]

Hello @TheApostatePaul and welcome to our community!  I hope you’ll stay around so we can get to know you!  Especially when you are surrounded by believers IRL, it’s great to have a tribe of fellow apostates to hang out with!

 

Your journey away from Christianity - like that of so many of us - was clearly greatly helped by technology, whether YouTube, podcasts, e-books or just old-fashioned websites and blogs.  Christianity and other theistic religions have never had to contend with so much counter-programming.  Anybody who even begins to question the beliefs they grew up with now has access to resources that even god himself cannot withstand or counteract, I’m happy to say!

 

The second thing that strikes me from your introduction is the challenge you face as a non-believing husband to a Christian woman and as the father of young kids.  Your dilemma is an increasingly common one, for better or for worse.  First there is the relationship with your believing wife to consider, who, as you say, never bargained for having a heathen husband.   Then there’s the kids.  No doubt you will want to protect them from being indoctrinated into religion at an early age, while still respecting your wife and her equally strong - or maybe stronger, considering what she presumably thinks is at stake - wishes for them.  I can’t offer you any particular words of advice or encouragement.  My wife is still a believer, though she respects my non-belief and our relationship is very good.  Still, there’s always the potential for our religious differences to cause problems.  At least our one child is grown and thankfully shows little or no interest in religion, even if he doesn’t actively disbelieve.  
 

I guess the one piece of help I can offer is to refer you to a book on the topic of being Unequally Yoked: “In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families” by Dale McGowan.  It is one of the few I have found on the subject and well worth looking into. 
 

Again, welcome to the community!   I look forward to hearing more from you.  There is a lot of ex-Christian wisdom, support and fellowship to be found here, and I hope being here will make this journey at least a little bit easier for you.  

[Henndigo]

Welcome!

 

Just wanted to say that’s a very difficult situation.  Your marriage is important and so is having a happy wife.  I would go through with the child baptism as simply a non-threatening family ritual they probably won’t even remember.  But focus on a more long term relationship with your children to teach them to ask questions and let them know they won’t be alone if they also do not fit in for whatever reason.   A great way to develop such a relationship is to read to them every night and use story discussion as a positive basis of developing their critical thinking.

Also, environments can change over the years.  I remember going to Southern Ireland in the 1990s and arriving in a small town that was absolutely deserted to the point we were concerned as to what was going on.  Then suddenly, the church doors opened and a huge number of people flowed out and continued to flow out for half an hour.  We were church going people ourselves back then but UK based (where most people are unbelievers) and we were astonished.  Since then, Southern Ireland has gone completely the other way, with a significant number of the population no longer church going and looking more like the UK.
 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

WELCOME!

I agree with Henndigo about going along with the baptism, and not interfering in any way with your wifes religion.  There are some people who continue to attend church with their spouse, but no longer participate in any leadership roles, and are open about why they stopped.  I was lucky that my wife didn't hinge our marriage on the religion and didn't expect me to continue attendance.  She continued to go to church until our kids were grown.  Originally I gave her the main reasons why I was quitting church, and them answered questions as she asked them, but did not push her toward my way of thinking.  At first she was extrememly disappointed, but finally saw through the inconsistancies with organized religion.  She eventually quit going, but still believes in God.   Our kids attended for a while, but finally dropped out.  

 

Let your wife down easy, and assure her your morals have not changed.  I told my wife I still believed in the basic teachings of Jesus about loving neighbor as self, but had to be honest with myself, and could no longer accept the divinity of Jesus, or the inerrancy of the bible.

 

If you continue to study the history of religions I think you will find the Bible is a mostly a plagiarized conglomeration of even older religions and beliefs.  The creation and flood stories seem to have been lifted from ancient Sumerian writings which say the "gods" (plural) created "man" in their image.

 

[whatever]

Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry this reply comes so late. I was about 50 when I finally left the church. My wife was still totally committed as were my three children. I found it impossible to stay with her. Living with someone who effectively thinks you are a sinner, crazy or deluded is not easy. Of course, I also thought she was deluded! We'd been married 23 years by then and I can't say it was great, which of course made it easier to leave. It was a gradual process in which I continued to attend church as you did at the start, then ceased. I wanted to explore so many other things in life - meditation, other ideologies, sexuality, and so on. I couldn't do this in the marriage. Really, it was our shared faith that brought us together, and our faith that kept me in the marriage even when I realised it had been a mistake. So for me, divorce was inevitable. It was the only way I could truly break away. Ironically, it was the divorce that most troubled my wider family, rather than the fact that I was rejecting their whole worldview and presumably being damned to hell. Although it is hard to feel that my children (all grown up now) cannot really accept my decision, I feel like I did the right thing and have never been happier with my life. The truth will set you free. The truth that there is no God has set me free!

[◊ Weezer ◊]

11 hours ago, whatever said:

Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry this reply comes so late. I was about 50 when I finally left the church. My wife was still totally committed as were my three children. I found it impossible to stay with her. Living with someone who effectively thinks you are a sinner, crazy or deluded is not easy. Of course, I also thought she was deluded! We'd been married 23 years by then and I can't say it was great, which of course made it easier to leave. It was a gradual process in which I continued to attend church as you did at the start, then ceased. I wanted to explore so many other things in life - meditation, other ideologies, sexuality, and so on. I couldn't do this in the marriage. Really, it was our shared faith that brought us together, and our faith that kept me in the marriage even when I realised it had been a mistake. So for me, divorce was inevitable. It was the only way I could truly break away. Ironically, it was the divorce that most troubled my wider family, rather than the fact that I was rejecting their whole worldview and presumably being damned to hell. Although it is hard to feel that my children (all grown up now) cannot really accept my decision, I feel like I did the right thing and have never been happier with my life. The truth will set you free. The truth that there is no God has set me free!

 

Amen brother!!        Both of us left at 50 years of age.   For me the biggest change, and loss, was losing almost all our friends.  I had been working for a church related agency which required membership in a Church of Christ.  And our relationship with many extended family members was strained.  Most of them are also C of C.

[TABA]

43 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Both of us left at 50 years of age.   For me the biggest change, and loss, was losing almost all our friends.

@Weezer, to what extent were you able to find new friends after deconverting?  Probably like most people, most of our friends were made through church or work.  Or friends of friends.  Fortunately the latter categories comprise a lot of our friends now. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

3 minutes ago, TABA said:

@Weezer, to what extent were you able to find new friends after deconverting?  Probably like most people, most of our friends were made through church or work.  Or friends of friends.  Fortunately the latter categories comprise a lot of our friends now. 

 

Sadly, our circle is smaller than it used to be.  I picked up a few friends through work, but many of the social workers and psychologist in places I worked were "liberal" christians.  I also picked up some "friends" through enduro riding, but with most ot them, there is little we have in common outside riding.  We now live in a community of older people that has group "get togethers", but only one neighbor is "agnostic", so any time we visit, we steer clear of religion.  And most of them are right wing republicans, so that also limits discussion.  And on top of all this, my wife and I are attracted to different types of people, and neither of us like to drink and socialize in groups, so our circle of close friends is pretty small.  HA!  So some time is spent here!