Is it common to feel completely purposeless after breaking free?

[Casualfanboy16]

I'm starting to feel like my sense of purpose in the world has kinda dissapeared. I don't understand why or what I'm here for. Religion gave me a false sense of purpose for a long while. It gave my life some sort of meaning, but now that's gone. I don't even know what I want to do with my life either. I've been thinking about @Weezer has worried about me being codependent. I've come to the horrifying realization that my dreams,  goals and aspirations never really felt like my own. Don't get me wrong. I love to draw, but I feel like I only ever pursued it to make others happy for me or "God" happy for me. That's why I'm only doing it as a hobby. I think too I only got my current job to make people happy and make them feel like I'm doing something with my life. I didn't initially want to even do it. I'm okay with it now, but I can't do this forever. I have to find something else... anything else. I don't get life as well as other people. Religion made my entire purpose be based off of what someone else wanted me to say, do and feel and think. I feel like a thing just broke now. I don't know how to find purpose. What if I find something, but it's not going to give me that purpose? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Ever since I broke free from the religious shackles, I felt free. Now I have all these choices to make. What's the right one? What's the one that'll hurt me the least? I feel like a mountain just piled up on top of me. I have so much to consider while my stupid parents are getting on my nerves. I can't lose support here. I can't let them deprive me of it and go back to the way I was before. I need to go calm down, so I'm ending this here haha.

[pantheory]

I think the answer to this question is totally different from person to person. As for me, it was a eureka moment and totally freeing realization that all religions were entirely B.S., and the best  no more than somewhat valuable philosophies depending on the perceiver.

 

My focus in life was never centered on religion, it was just a creed that I did my best to follow. After I threw off religion I had an even stronger moral code, but one entirely of my own making. My life's purpose was also clearer and stronger.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

58 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I'm starting to feel like my sense of purpose in the world has kinda dissapeared

The short answer in my opinion is yes. It is normal to lose a sense of purpose after deconversion. Religion gives a person purpose on a ready made platter. Salvation, obedience, and striving to save others from eternal torment. 

 

As a former minister this feeling hit me hard. But I feel that I have filled that void left behind through work here and with my family. My purpose with my family will always be to be a loving and supportive father and presumably eventually grandfather. This is one of many reasons I want the weight loss surgery. So I can do more with my family and friends. 

 

My purpose here fills that need to have a "higher" purpose. To help others that you don't even know. I once tried to spread the good word hoping that God would "free" them from sin. Now I find even more purpose helping those who were trapped by Christianity to free themselves from those shackles for good. And to ward of wouldbe apologists trying to drag us back to that prison. 

 

There are many noble causes you could devote yourself to. You are Gay. You have a whole community of people that will have those that have been traumatized by parents who wouldn't accept them, or were traumatized by religion, etc. Things that you have first hand experience with. While you may not be ready to help someone else going through that right now, because you are dealing with it yourself. One day you will rise above the current turmoil in your life and be able to help guide others to their own freedom. 

 

I'm sure you will find your niche eventually. But for now just take care of yourself and keep yourself sane as you deal with your own problems. You're young and have plenty of time to find a new purpose. 

 

DB

[Casualfanboy16]

1 hour ago, DarkBishop said:

The short answer in my opinion is yes. It is normal to lose a sense of purpose after deconversion. Religion gives a person purpose on a ready made platter. Salvation, obedience, and striving to save others from eternal torment. 

 

As a former minister this feeling hit me hard. But I feel that I have filled that void left behind through work here and with my family. My purpose with my family will always be to be a loving and supportive father and presumably eventually grandfather. This is one of many reasons I want the weight loss surgery. So I can do more with my family and friends. 

 

My purpose here fills that need to have a "higher" purpose. To help others that you don't even know. I once tried to spread the good word hoping that God would "free" them from sin. Now I find even more purpose helping those who were trapped by Christianity to free themselves from those shackles for good. And to ward of wouldbe apologists trying to drag us back to that prison. 

 

There are many noble causes you could devote yourself to. You are Gay. You have a whole community of people that will have those that have been traumatized by parents who wouldn't accept them, or were traumatized by religion, etc. Things that you have first hand experience with. While you may not be ready to help someone else going through that right now, because you are dealing with it yourself. One day you will rise above the current turmoil in your life and be able to help guide others to their own freedom. 

 

I'm sure you will find your niche eventually. But for now just take care of yourself and keep yourself sane as you deal with your own problems. You're young and have plenty of time to find a new purpose. 

 

DB

Thanks, man. I needed that. I'm kinda relentlessly harsh on myself trying to figure things out. My parents aren't helping either. I'm just going through a lot right now. I'm glad I have a place here though where I can be more real and open about things.

 

I calmed down quite a bit after working. Like TABA said that one time: "This too shall pass". I should get it tattooed on my arm or something as a constant reminder. In fact, I should get a lot of things said by people here tattooed onto me. Because, let's be honest, it's been of great help that it's worthy of getting tattooed onto my flesh lmfao.

 

Christians will probably try to get me to come back. Make me fill this hole in my life with God again. I refuse though. I'm not going back to that. Ever. That "purpose" I got from Christianity was all a total sham. You're right. One day I'll find my niche. One day too, when I rise above all this, I want to help people here just as much as you all helped me and are continuing to do so. I can't thank you guys enough for continuing to help me out.

 

I guess I got worried that eventually people would have enough of me and I would be back to being alone again. I was (and still am) a bit of a pessimist. I tried reaching out to my parents for help a lot because I was tired of being alone in my head. I was stuck being tormented pretty much daily by my negative perception of myself and the world around me. Of course I was closeted at the time, so I couldn't tell them what was really wrong. I beat myself up to the point my parents kinda just gave up trying to give me any encouragement and then it became "stop pitying yourself" and "you're such a Debbie Downer" and shit like that. I think that's why I fear abandonment so much. Because eventually, it felt as if they completely abandoned me and I had no one was there for me anymore. Didn't help when I came out either. It made me feel even more distant from them. I don't even like being around them because I don't feel like I can be my authentic self. At least online I have that. I can be more true to myself and not feel shame. I have a community of people that's built for the sole purpose of helping people like me, so I feel less awful. I'm glad I have this place and I know I'll never stop saying it until the day I die!!

[Wertbag]

There is also a difference between short, medium and long term goals/purpose.  What you have planned for the next few weeks, things you are actively working towards, whether that be a dinner with friends, a movie coming soon or a concert you want to see.  Each task takes planning, saving, some degree of effort and the will to make it happen.  For those with bad depression sometimes it's just the small things like making your bed in the morning or making a cooked breakfast.  For some getting the motivation to even get up is a struggle, so those little victories can be applauded and the feeling of achieving something is beneficial.

 

Medium term you have things that are still months away, plans for next year's holidays, things that you are saving up for, courses or learning that you are working to start or finish.  While long term you have thoughts like "what career do I want?", "where do I want to live?", "What hobbies can I see myself continuing in the future?" etc.  

Short term are actively on your mind to make happen.  Medium term are on your radar, planned and maybe discussed, but are coming soon.  Long term are your life goals and plans, these have to be more flexible as these are the things that we have the least control over.

 

Short term I'm going to see my daughter in a school play tonight, and we are going on a family holiday this Saturday.  Medium term I'm looking forward to starting a new D&D campaign in a month or two and planning Xmas get togethers and presents for the kids, long term I have the wish to run the Auckland half marathon (I did it a decade ago, and am so unfit I couldn't do it at the moment, so a lot of work to get ready for Oct 2024) and work are talking about new departments and roles coming up that I'm putting my hand up to be considered for.

I don't have "a" purpose, I have numerous overlapping purposes, constantly changing and flowing to the next life event.  This is what we call life.  Religion actually fails to answer any of these things, it's purpose is hollow and meaningless. 

[Casualfanboy16]

50 minutes ago, Wertbag said:

There is also a difference between short, medium and long term goals/purpose.  What you have planned for the next few weeks, things you are actively working towards, whether that be a dinner with friends, a movie coming soon or a concert you want to see.  Each task takes planning, saving, some degree of effort and the will to make it happen.  For those with bad depression sometimes it's just the small things like making your bed in the morning or making a cooked breakfast.  For some getting the motivation to even get up is a struggle, so those little victories can be applauded and the feeling of achieving something is beneficial.

I think I need to start applauding myself for the little victories. I guess I focus way too much on the end goal and end up missing all the steps to get there. Just start with little victories. Getting out of bed, eating breakfast, making a cup of tea, etc. Focusing on the bigger picture just makes me obsess over the little details ironically enough. It's the perfectionism, ain't it?

 

Anyway, maybe I should just write down my "little victories" for each day when I accomplish them. I don't really know what I want to do for now, but I have the little victories to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something, at least.

 

58 minutes ago, Wertbag said:

Religion actually fails to answer any of these things, it's purpose is hollow and meaningless. 

Amen, brother! Lmao.

[TheApostatePaul]

I’m a recent de-convert and I can relate to the difficulty for the search for meaning and purpose. I recently read Waking Up by Sam Harris and it’s shown me an aspect of life I’ve never considered before. He talks a lot about mindfulness,meditation, and spirituality without religion, and other things. I’ve been meditating routinely and for the first time I’ve felt a shrinking of my ego and I’ve stopped taking myself quite as seriously. His book has helped me with my pursuit of purpose. Worth the read. 

[Casualfanboy16]

26 minutes ago, TheApostatePaul said:

I’m a recent de-convert and I can relate to the difficulty for the search for meaning and purpose. I recently read Waking Up by Sam Harris and it’s shown me an aspect of life I’ve never considered before. He talks a lot about mindfulness,meditation, and spirituality without religion, and other things. I’ve been meditating routinely and for the first time I’ve felt a shrinking of my ego and I’ve stopped taking myself quite as seriously. His book has helped me with my pursuit of purpose. Worth the read. 

I'll have to check it out. I already went on a bit of a book buying binge recently, so I probably need to put that on hold. I'm sure there's an online copy somewhere, but it's better for me to hold an actual, physical book. I'll keep it in mind though and will screenshot this for later use! Thank you!!