Just Left and I feel weird

[jen2174]

Hi, I am Jennifer. I am 49. I feel like ive wasted my life for years. I was brought up in a Christian home, just went with it, then years later in 2015 I went to the church because I was scared and I dont want to get into that its private but I said the sinner prayer, got baptised a few weeks later and it didnt help at all. I had trauma and nothing helped it. I went to church lilke a zombie did all i was supposed to i felt connection to something and made a  few friends but I felt like I was dead inside. Something felt wrong to me about it so after two years I stopped going. It was the happiest time of my life to stop praying and think for myself and I took to it well. However, in late 2019 I felt fearful and went back thinking i had to repent and confess all that mess and started reading my bible again but i was so deeply unhappy. I always looked at Christianity like a trap, something I had to do and that if I could be anything else in the world, I would not do or be this but I felt like this was a truth, I had to do it and follow it. In 2021, I got into the Grace Gospel which tries to paint God in a better light and it worked for another two years for me but as I followed this new stuff along with word of faith movement healing still did not come, my health got worse, I was deeply frustrated. In September of last year, I felt like I had to drop my new beliefs and go back to the hardcore cruel crap of Baptist and just try to see if God is kind. I followed this teacher online that preaches that god is love and you can accept that and tell yourself that every day so I tried hard to. Problem was I just wasnt believing it at all. I kept thinking about how if he is love he didnt destroy satan and lets him destroy the world, how he punishes us for adam and eve which is completely unfair and that he only loves us because of his son's work on the cross. I hated all of this so much and no matter how much i tried to look at it in a good way I could not do it. Just the other day, I was done. I thought i would finally cut the cord on this. the first day was great, second day I felt lost, empty and depressed. I used to talk to god in prayer, and now i have nobody. fake or not, i feel so weird. i know most take the atheist route but ive seen too much supernatural proof in other ways, i was a new ager prior to all of this and went back to tiny parts of it but see many things in it that is just as annoying as christianity is. I am now trying to remember who the heck I am, and was years ago before this happened. I know people have gone through this before, but it feels so weird when you first start out.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

When the entire worldview you built up based on certain beliefs and accepted premises turns out to be false, I'd imagine it's probably normal to feel a bit weird.  In fact, I'd say weird is probably an understatement.  However, what you're going through is familiar territory to many of us here and we're happy to help in any way we can. 

 

For right now, I'd suggest not worrying about to to believe or not believe.  I'd also encourage you to put your fears to the side as much as possible (a daunting task, I know).  For now, just breathe.  It will eventually start to make sense. 

[freshstart]

Hi Jennifer,

Christianity forces upon those who pay attention to it, the illusion that we must make a choice  -  and the sooner the better.  But you don't have to.  I think its okay to just wander aimlessly, watching other people and their beliefs/practices like clouds drifting by, without making any commitments about what to believe or not believe.  Its okay if you never figure it out. And its okay to waffle. Welcome!

[older]

8 hours ago, jen2174 said:

I used to talk to god in prayer, and now i have nobody.

 

 

 We're here. Let it all out.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Thanks for sharing that with us!  You are among people who have been in the same boat for different lenghts of time.  Sometimes in and out of the boat like you.   I was 50 years old before finally walking out the church door for good.  Thank goodness my wife and teenage kids didn't "abandon" me, but some extended family basically did.  

 

The road can be  lonely, but as each year goes by (30 of them) the more glad I am that I left.   I even was able to get off antidepressants I had taken for decades.  Browse through our postings, especially the "Testimonies" section, and "Reasons for disbelief" in the "Rants and Raves" section.  And feel free to tell us more about yourself.  I guarantee someone else here has been in your shoes.

  

[pantheory]

HI jen2174,

 

This is your first posting, great. Welcome to the X-Christ forum. Many here have gone through a lot as you have concerning Christianity. Upon studying science extensively, I found my answers there. Following that insight, it was easier for me to break from Christianity, or any possible future belief in religion. Although a pure atheist, when seldom asked, I simply say that I am no longer interested in religion other than for historical reasons like Greek Mythology, the middle ages, Christianity and the Moslem religions etc.

 

Hope you find it interesting and enjoyable here, make new friends and forget your wows concerning Christianity. Cheers

[jen2174]

Thank you all for the replies. I didnt know anyone could comment or did. Sorry for responding late.

[TABA]

Hi @jen2174 and welcome to the family!  It DOES feel weird at first and it will take some time - deconversion is a process, not an event - but if you stay the course, one day you will look back and it will be Christian belief that will seem weird.  I can tell you from experience that having your mind gradually cleansed of religious dogma is ultimately a great blessing that you will be thankful for.  
 

Some versions of Christianity work for some people: they gain peace and a sense of purpose, especially if they don’t delve into the details of dogma and scripture.  But the religion can be a burden and a torment for others.  Many here have had their lives transformed by turning their backs on it for ever. 
 

20 hours ago, jen2174 said:

I just wasnt believing it at all. I kept thinking about how if he is love he didnt destroy satan and lets him destroy the world, how he punishes us for adam and eve which is completely unfair

 

You hit the nail on the head right there.  The toleration of so much evil and suffering drives a stake through the heart of claims made by Christianity.  You will find many demonstrations of that in these pages, most recently a post by @TheRedneckProfessor among may others.  The reasons not to believe Christianity are many and varied and can be found everywhere here.  And yet, those initial steps away from the belief are often scary.  It helps greatly to have a tribe of people to reassure and encourage you.  I don’t think my deconversion, ten years ago now, could have been so complete, so successful or ultimately so happy if I had not joined this community.  
 

You absolutely do not have to become atheist to reap the benefits of leaving Christianity and its cruel god.  You may still find prayer to be reassuring, just not to the specific God of the Bible.  I encourage you to get into meditation, which has many of the benefits of prayer, and others too.  
 

I do hope you will stay around here.  Welcome to your new home, and congratulations on having the courage to join us and to tell your story!

[jen2174]

1 hour ago, TABA said:

Hi @jen2174 and welcome to the family!  It DOES feel weird at first and it will take some time - deconversion is a process, not an event - but if you stay the course, one day you will look back and it will be Christian belief that will seem weird.  I can tell you from experience that having your mind gradually cleansed of religious dogma is ultimately a great blessing that you will be thankful for.  
 

Some versions of Christianity work for some people: they gain peace and a sense of purpose, especially if they don’t delve into the details of dogma and scripture.  But the religion can be a burden and a torment for others.  Many here have had their lives transformed by turning their backs on it for ever. 
 

 

You hit the nail on the head right there.  The toleration of so much evil and suffering drives a stake through the heart of claims made by Christianity.  You will find many demonstrations of that in these pages, most recently a post by @TheRedneckProfessor among may others.  The reasons not to believe Christianity are many and varied and can be found everywhere here.  And yet, those initial steps away from the belief are often scary.  It helps greatly to have a tribe of people to reassure and encourage you.  I don’t think my deconversion, ten years ago now, could have been so complete, so successful or ultimately so happy if I had not joined this community.  
 

You absolutely do not have to become atheist to reap the benefits of leaving Christianity and its cruel god.  You may still find prayer to be reassuring, just not to the specific God of the Bible.  I encourage you to get into meditation, which has many of the benefits of prayer, and others too.  
 

I do hope you will stay around here.  Welcome to your new home, and congratulations on having the courage to join us and to tell your story!

Thank you!

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

Hello and welcome Jen! Thank you for being here and posting. It's hard to leave something you 'know' and are used to but the fact that it still 'didn't work' isn't a reflection of you not trying hard enough. Please know that, keep it in mind and don't let your own self doubt and confusion lead you astray. Also remember the church very nearly has a monopoly in guilt tripping and emotional manipulation; you were TAUGHT to doubt yourself. That leaves you wide open for anyone to come on in with their own versions of what you 'should' believe. If you can't trust yourself, how can you trust anyone else? I believe trust should be earned, not given automatically just because someone calls themselves christian. 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. The road to healing is long and we won't forget about you!