FindingFreedom Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 So I just got an email from my pastor who wants to meet with me to talk about my "journey". (My husband told him). I don't want to meet with him. Any suggestions of what to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Tell the pastor you dont plan on "taking a trip" anywhere, but thanks anyways. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I had the same thing happen...almost eight years ago now - so hard to believe! (HA! Found the thread: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/18316-fucking-bastards-wont-leave-me-alone/#.VWTMIM9VhBc ) I agreed to the meeting at first - partly out of shock, partly because he phoned me directly and caught me off-guard. Anyway, the letter I ended up writing him to cancel the meeting is here: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/18316-fucking-bastards-wont-leave-me-alone/page-2#.VWTMds9VhBc If you don't want to meet with him, don't. You have absolutely no obligation to him. You owe him nothing and you owe yourself every respect and kindness you can give yourself while you go through this process. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted May 26, 2015 Super Moderator Share Posted May 26, 2015 I don't want to meet with him. Any suggestions of what to do? Uhhh, DON'T? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted May 26, 2015 Super Moderator Share Posted May 26, 2015 If you don't want to, don't. I can't see how any good could come from such a meeting. They just want to guilt you back in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Just tell him "No thank you". Say you are not interested. No further explanation is required. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insightful Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I agree with everyone here. I made the mistake of trying to convince my pastor of how inerrancy is not a tenable position but what I found was that his mind was 100% closed to reason which should not have been a surprise... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I have to agree with everybody above. You're an adult and don't have to do anything you don't wish to do (within legal boundaries, and this is well within legal boundaries). A simple and sincere "No thank you" should suffice. If it doesn't work the first time, repeat "No thank you" until he quits asking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 So I just got an email from my pastor who wants to meet with me to talk about my "journey". (My husband told him). I don't want to meet with him. Any suggestions of what to do? If you dont want to meet with him, dont meet with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duderonomy Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 So I just got an email from my pastor who wants to meet with me to talk about my "journey". (My husband told him). I don't want to meet with him. Any suggestions of what to do? Hi,FF. I don't know you but I would say don't go if you don't want to go. Does your husband know that another man wants to get inside your head and that you are uncomfortable about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Sister FindingFreedom, I have bipolar disorder, and it will occasionally cause me to slip back into religious belief, usually when I am manic. The last episode was about two years ago. I attended a large church here in Anchorage, Alaska for a few months. Then the mania died down, the religious beliefs fell away, and I came back to my senses. About a year later, I considered going back to religion again. I had a meeting with one of the men's leaders in the church. Very nice guy named Karl. He wanted me to meet with the pastor to get my questions answered. But I started having second thoughts about it before the meeting date came around, and I called and cancelled it. No problems and nothing negative was said to me. I knew the pastor couldn't answer my questions to my satisfaction, so there was no point in seeing him. You don't have to see the guy if you don't want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 How far along are you in your deconversion path? If you are strong enough, perhaps you could meet the pastor and ask him all your questions regarding Christianity. Just ask very honest questions, don't be afraid to offend and maybe use the time to verbalise some of the stuff you are thinking. Some pastors, especially from liberal denominations are seriously clued up and can give you pointers regarding your questions. Anyone worth his salt will acknowledge the journey you are on and try and help you and accept that given the right information, your answers might be different to theirs. It all depends though on who / what sort of church the paster is affiliated with. Some, I suspect fundies / conservatives will be really unhelpful. Do you think your pastor will care about you as a human being before being a Christian? Will he put you or the ideology first? Maybe you can meet him, and see what he has to say. And then if you find his answers unhelpful, tell him to his face. "I'm sorry, I find your answers unhelpful." and excuse yourself. You can speculate / worry all you want, but there is your husband to think about also. Maybe you don't owe your pastor anything but your husband? At least if you meet the pastor, your husband will be satisfied? Sort of create the conditions you want by being upfront with everyone and not burying your head in the sand. At worst you will have an unproductive conversation but your husband won't ever be able to say you didn't try. Honestly, I find myself having to go through these sorts of hoops with my wife for general life issues. Otherwise there can be a lot of "he isn't even trying" sort of resentment which leads to big arguments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Hi FF, you may want to check out Neil Carter's excellent blog, Godless in Dixie, on Patheos. For example, today he goes into the blatant falsity of explicit biblical promises about answered prayer: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/godlessindixie/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted May 27, 2015 Super Moderator Share Posted May 27, 2015 It seems that one of the hardest lessons we ex-christians have to learn is that "No." is a complete sentence. We lived so long under the guilt, shame, and fear of religion that almost all of us became supreme people-pleasers unable (or unwilling) to disappoint anyone. Just say "No." If that doesn't work, try "Hell No." And don't be afraid to throw in a "Fuck No" or a "No, god damn it" if the first two options don't work. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It seems that one of the hardest lessons we ex-christians have to learn is that "No." is a complete sentence. We lived so long under the guilt, shame, and fear of religion that almost all of us became supreme people-pleasers unable (or unwilling) to disappoint anyone. Just say "No." If that doesn't work, try "Hell No." And don't be afraid to throw in a "Fuck No" or a "No, god damn it" if the first two options don't work. Will you come over to my place and tell my wife that this is an acceptable answer and that she should accept it with grace please. Many thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burny Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Don't do it. When our pastor demanded a meeting we told him to bugger off and we haven't been bothered since. You don't owe him or anyone else an explanation of your free choices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It seems that one of the hardest lessons we ex-christians have to learn is that "No." is a complete sentence. We lived so long under the guilt, shame, and fear of religion that almost all of us became supreme people-pleasers unable (or unwilling) to disappoint anyone. Just say "No." If that doesn't work, try "Hell No." And don't be afraid to throw in a "Fuck No" or a "No, god damn it" if the first two options don't work. Will you come over to my place and tell my wife that this is an acceptable answer and that she should accept it with grace please. Many thanks in advance. Maybe quote the Apostle Paul to her? Wives submit yourselves to your husband . . . Women are to remain silent . . . . All authority is appointed by God . . . Just kidding. (Only a Pastor or the Bible can get away with hate speech like that.) When this issue came up with my wife I told her that I don't want to test anybody else's faith. I'm not interested in changing their mind. I'm also done with blindly accepting Christianity on faith. Empirical evidence is the only thing I will accept now and if Christian had that they wouldn't ask people to take it on faith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
questioneverything Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I agree with everyone above who said if you don't want to meet with him, then don't. I chose to meet with my pastor when he reached out, and rather enjoyed talking to him. More than anything it served as affirmation that I was right, as he was unable to answer pretty much anything I threw at him. It never got contentious. One of my favorite things he said was in the first meeting, he tried this Jedi mind trick gem - "I see you coming through this with an even stronger faith than you had before, and being one of the best apologists in our church!". I felt like saying "Hey fucktard - this trick won't work on me...go try it on one of your sheeple". I called it off when he sent me a John MacArthur audio clip where he was talking about the problem beginning when people think they can question almighty dog. I listened to that, and sent him an email saying 'thanks - I'm out', basically. If your husband's a believer still, it might be helpful to have him tag along and listen to your pastor bumble his way to NOT answering any of your questions. Who knows, maybe he'll join you on the dark side! But again - completely your decision. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 You don't have to talk to him. Try a gentle refusal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I'm with those who advize saying "no" - politely at first, and as aggressively as necessary thereafter. Alternatively, just ignore him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindingFreedom Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Thanks for all of the input. I ended up emailing him back and saying that it was not something that I wanted to talk about and I had the support of people that I could talk to about it. He replied and said that if I changed my mind I could always meet with him. My husband was upset because in the back of his mind he hoped that I would meet with the pastor and reconvert I guess, but he got over it. It's been really helpful to have this community for support. Thanks! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Church numbers are declining, so the guy is doing his job in trying to keep people in the fold. Plus, he has a certain amount of guilt, I'm sure, for letting one of his flock fall away -- biblegod is not going to like that. A lost sheep! In our church, the elders are the employer of the pastor, and the elders see numbers. He has to at least try, to be accountable to them. Maybe he thinks you're low-hanging fruit: you were once in, you might still be sort of in, and maybe he can ease you back. In my former church, my elder is the first to reach out in such cases. Our elders rotate every two years, so I get the call or email from my new guy, asking me to come back to church. The most recent guy called me in January, and after speaking with him politely for a bit (basically asking me to come back to services, nothing too theological or anything), I outright teased him that I'm sorry he got stuck with me on his list. If you have already read a lot of arguments online and watched some videos or debates, you probably don't have any questions left that your pastor can satisfactorily answer. You have likely stumbled on people who confront your questions as part of their living or calling -- professional apologists, I guess you could say, going up against well-educated and well-spoken atheists. I assume your local guy (who only faces this situation once in a while) is not going to be able to add to what these professional people (who do it every day) have already compiled. Consider this: You might actually confront him with questions/arguments he has not heard, depending on how often he deals with people like you. He might not have satisfactory answers for you, but he will have learned some things from you -- which he may reflect upon or research in order to be better equipped for the next person. That's kind of an ethical dilemma for you; can you stomach helping to train him to have better ammunition for the next person? If the next person has not researched as much as you have, the pastor's tactics might be enough to keep them in the fold longer. ("Yes, I've heard this before, and this is why you are mistaken... God loves you and this is how Satan is confusing you and blah blah blah.") I don't mean to burden you with this dilemma, but just consider that you might not want to be part of his training sessions. If you decide to do it for harmony in your home (I agree with "she's not even trying" dilemma), agree to meet somewhere other than your home. That way you can get up and leave when you're ready, and not get stuck trying to figure out how to kick him out of your house. It's easier to announce that we're done here, grab your purse, thank him for his time, than say get the fuck out of my house now please. You could give a list of three books (or whatever) that you are reading (even if you're not), and tell him you'll be happy to meet and discuss after he has read them too. Tell him you're taking notes and want a real discussion. That says that you are not just willy-nilly skipping church or annoyed with god for some slight, but actually reading about theology and such. There are plenty of juicy ones listed on this site, that would freak him out, lol. Put it on your terms -- I'll meet with you, but you must jump through my hoops first. It's just a thought. I personally would not want to get into an apologetic argument. I would forget key points and get frustrated. Let the pros do that (while you sit back and read it or watch the video), and stay out of those waters. Ask him questions and let him squirm, not you. My first inclination is to just say no. But if you decide to do it (mainly for your spouse, and not for the pastor), know your limits. This man has no authority over you. Don't let him intimidate or guilt you. You do not have to please him or convince him. He is nobody to you. Remember that. I personally used such an instance to point out to the pastor all the buillshit going on in the congregation, all the hypocrites and spiritual abuse and mindfuck going on. It probably did not change anything (hopefully it helped at least one person who was a victim there?), but I wanted him to know that his little cult was hurting people -- on top of the theological issues with biblegod not being real. (This was a mainstream Christian denomination, but I implied heavily that it was acting like a cult -- kind of freaked him out a little, lol. Priceless.) And I made it clear to him that their evil bullshit is what initially caused me to dig deeper -- why god allows such things, why being indwelt with the holy spirit was not helping these people, why god was not answering prayers, what I was doing wrong as a poor miserable sinner, how to hear god's voice and know his will for me, and on and on ... until I eventually came to the realization that it's all crap. So yes, pastor, your evil little flock pushed me on a quest to be "closer to god" and then totally away from god -- oopsie! Yes, I'm kind of naughty like that. By the time it came to that, I was so pissed at that congregation and didn't mind calling them out for the evil little snits that they are. OK, that's enough rambling for now. I hope it helps in some small way. Keep us posted as to what you decide, and if there is any fallout. (Edits for typos. Need more coffee...) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Thanks for all of the input. I ended up emailing him back and saying that it was not something that I wanted to talk about and I had the support of people that I could talk to about it. He replied and said that if I changed my mind I could always meet with him. My husband was upset because in the back of his mind he hoped that I would meet with the pastor and reconvert I guess, but he got over it. It's been really helpful to have this community for support. Thanks! Good for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Furball Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 If that doesn't work, try "Hell No." I have said 'hell no' before, and their reply was, "it's funny you mentioned hell." And then they proceeded to try and guilt me back into it by talking about hell and how if i left "the church" i would be eternally lost etc. etc. etc. My reply has and always will be, 'i'll get back to you,' which i never do. I find that gets them to leave me alone every time. -Cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 He replied and said that if I changed my mind I could always meet with him. Must be the default response. They can't seem to imagine that suddenly becoming a non-Christian could possibly work out for anyone. Well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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