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Goodbye Jesus
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Turning My Personal Calendar



The month of May is always tough for me due to past experiences that have come and gone. Two passings (my best friend 8 years ago, which began my deconversion, and my best four legged friend and furchild of 18 years, 5 years ago), several bad memories, and much in the way of strife usually plagues the month that saw my birth. I'll be turning 29 in about 13 days, and it seems like each year - my situation never gets better, or the odds continue to stack against me. Both are things I'm looking to change this year, with the hopes that it will help in multiple ways.


As stated earlier, it's been an extremely tough week, in what is usually a very tough month for me. Despite the fact my personal calendar turns over another year, several things make this month forgettable. I have decided, once again, to forgo medication after the therapy session that was required to continue additional treatment. My doctor has recommended that I get some FMLA papers, bring them in, and have those days available in case I need them. He also believes there is a strong connection between my physical health issues (heart palpitations and racing, unexplained aches and pains) and my stress, depression, and anxiety. While he doesn't condone my choice, he respects my decision and will be exploring other options.


I just cannot go back to being a robot, it is not even one of those greater good things. My personality is dull enough anyhow and I have no problem evidently of alienating people and making new ones run for the hills. I don't need to add in the fact that while on medication, I look like a serial killer. And with therapy not being covered by my insurance, and my making too much money, it is out of the question as well. Doctor recommended that I find something to occupy my time so I don't spend as much time lost in my thoughts. Outside of my gym sessions which I plan to double down on, I'll be exploring other avenues that could potentially help tide me over until I can put my plan in motion to start over fresh somewhere. Several options have come and gone with no latch upon - and most of the options that are available in this area do not cater to single guys, unless they enjoy spending money. I work to make money to live with and on, but I'm a very frugal person.


This week however, has been strange in so many ways. After many sessions of talking, flirting, and general consensus of a future being pointed toward being together with someone - they decided after the weekend at the Comicon that we were just friends, nothing more. Which is fine, I'm not against this idea as I'd rather have someone in my life as a friend than not at all. However, despite it being finals weeks for her - all of my messages to her this week have gone unanswered, which is unusual. She historically had always at least taken a minute or so to wish me well on the day. I haven't even received that. So, now I'm left wondering what I did/didn't do or said/didn't say over the weekend that has brought this on. It's troubling to me because as I recall the entire weekend, I did my best to just be me. And being me is just someone who wants to make sure he has a great time while he is away and do what he can to make it an enjoyable weekend for all involved. That being said, I was not overbearing: I did not push her toward anything, nor did I insinuate anything. I tried to show my interest the best ways I could, but she refused most all of them. After a while, I just conceded to letting the weekend play itself out. She gave me a hug before we parted ways, and we've spoken once since that Sunday (in teamspeak, due to the fact we play in the same guild in our games).


Whatever the reason may be, the not knowing is what kills me. I'm the type of person who likes to try and make amends for the problems he has caused, to rectify and fix them as he can. I'm a fixer, it's just my personality. I fix people who have been through rough times, and they usually leave from my life once I have. But in the end, my friends are a lot of the reason why I'm still alive today. Had it not been for them, I would have taken my own life years ago. That's why in the case of this gal, I want to make things right with her if they have been wronged. I value all of my friends, just like I value the friends I've made through this site and over the years. All of you have made a positive impression in me in some way that has left me a better person for it. And one that is still breathing, because you all convinced me to not make that final curtain call.


I'm off now to continue my new workout, day 2 of a 3 day rotation that has been killer. Take care everyone.


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