I spent YEARS believing that I was truly living but I knew, deep in my heart that I was NOT living the life that I really wanted. I was trying to live the life that I "thought I had to" live. I didn't DARE to think that I could HAVE the man that I first fell in love with in college since he was NOT a christian.
I had convinced myself that I would not be happy with him just because he was not a christian at the time we broke up. I continually reminded myself of this yet I did not want to free myself of the dreams I had of him; of his arms around me and his passionate lips overtaking mine. Talking with him and looking into his eyes; eyes that looked deep into my soul. How I yearned to "be known" as I felt that my Love had known me, my first love.
I dreamt of him while being married to a christian man with whom I "did music" with. We ministered in churches and recorded cover songs that we originally arranged and performed before so many people. I was DEEP into the christian life. I felt that he was my friend until his pornography addiction proved that his christianity was weaker than his will. He loved sin more than he loved me. I felt terribly rejected and confused. HOW could a christian man act this way? I concluded that he was NOT a christian man. We divorced.
I met another "christian man" a few years later and I believed that I found a REAL christian. He didn't even have a television. I was impressed and later found out that his god and his religion was control and manipulation rather than love. Another "fake". ARE there any REAL christians; any REAL men who will honor and cherish and love the woman in their life instead of USING THEM for their own glory or power???
Through both marriages, I KNEW that I "had been loved" by my first love and that I had loved HIM all along; he was THE man I really wanted. I did not want to admit it to myself. I was a christian. At the very least, I was EMOTIONALLY committing adultery with my first love in my dreams. I came to realize that I had committed adultery on him by marrying TWO other men; two men whom I thought could give me what I wanted in life. A christian marriage; peace, love, security and longevity. I was deluded in the least. Ignorant and stupid at the worst.
Have you ever TAKEN THE TIME to ask yourself "What do I REALLY want in life?" and then go after it?
Or did you allow the "doctrine" and rules of what you believed to BE TRUTH in your life, dictate HOW you should live your life?
My personal understanding of being a christian has led me to believe that being religious may have given me comfort, security and even a sense of purpose but it was NOT REAL. It was an illusion. I was deluded into thinking that I HAD TO find my happiness within the construct and when I didn't I went on to look for happiness...again, with another christian man. Both "christian marriages" turned out to be neither christian or true love. Love is not bound by religion. I found MY love without religion and that is the REAL LIFE that I enjoy today!
from June 29, 2012 from: http://livenotonevil.blogspot.com/