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No More Fooling Around


NEWsong

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As christian, I obviously "believed what isn't true" and perpetuated the DELUSION of peace supposedly given to me by religion and I remained "in the christian box". I actually thought it was a "good life".

Since I have broken out of that box, I realized that to NOT believe what is NOT true was only secondly important to "refusing to accept what IS true" and that is where I am TODAY.I am on a healing journey of acceptance and I don't have the time or energy to waste in fooling around with rainbows and unicorns. I have checked myself at every decision to make sure that "what I believe IS true" to the best of my discernment. I no longer live in a delusional, "feel good", false-acceptance-belonging world of "religion" in order to stroke my self-esteem or confirm my talents and pride. NO. I have much more to learn and believe and I will not waste my time on anymore hopeful wishing...

 

 

This is where it meets my present day. I am NO LONGER HOPEFULLY WISHING for things and people to be different in my life. I dispelled the delusion of religion over the past several years and within that past 15 months began to get much clarity in all areas of my life, including past abuse of an ex-spouse. When I allowed myself to see him "as he is" without my christian expectations or demands bringing in frustration, obligation and guilt (FOG-quoted by Susan Forward in the book, Emotional Blackmail) I could then and only then, accept him for what and who he was...an abusive, controlling misogynistic man who pretended to be a christian. This was a MAJOR hurdle to overcome and while thinking "within the christian box" it could not clearly be seen and accepted. I accepted THE TRUTH of his behavior and was able to analyze and categorize it as NOT being "christian" but it actually made itself clearly "verbal and emotional abuse.

 

I also have gotten clarity in my life and have learned to "ACCEPT THE TRUTH" of what IS rather than continuing to believe that I am "living my dream come true", I have stated to myself that it seems to have turned into my "worst nightmare" regarding dealing with a loved one who, however wonderful he may be, seems to not be living the same kind of life that he and I seemed to agree to have between us in the beginning.

 

It all started, again, nearly two years ago when I contacted him after a LONG separation. I actually thought I might NEVER see him again but I followed my heart and sought my dream to find out if we had actually loved each other so many years ago and if he STILL loved me as I had him all these years. It was a great love story, we were so happy to be together. Touching each other, laughing, smiling and talking about what we are going to do the rest of our lives NOW that we had each other and were together again. We even agreed in a covenant that "NEVER AGAIN" would be our motto...we would NOT allow anyone else or any disruptive, unproductive and destructive behaviors by either of us to cause us to separate again.

 

It wasn't until AFTER we had reunited, did I begin to look back upon our turbulent past, being reminded of his anger and rage, his controlling behavior and how disrespected and unloved that I felt at times when I was "cast aside" for some THING that was more important to him than our relationship or me as a woman. Yes, I remember now how the DRAMA that occurred had a much deeper root. A deeper truth that I did not understand at the time. I thought that maybe he was "just young" and not good at relationships due to his abusive father or estranged family and that he didn't have friends because he was so intelligent that many could not understand him and love him as I did...I was right. THERE WAS something much deeper, more pervasive and still less obvious at the time, because I was NOT WILLING TO SEE THE TRUTH and rather created a nice delusion for me to believe. That was then.

 

Now, I have learned to accept the INSIDIOUS and UGLY TRUTH that I have NOT wanted to face. I have been searching for answers of how this dream of ours has devolved into a nightmare that I could not have imagined. I have always been very introspective, been in counseling for many "adjustment disorders" within my life and know that I am a loving, sensitive and compassionate woman and human being. I still have friends who speak highly of me and to me. They know that I am strong and that I love deeply. For all of this, how can a "once in a lifetime love" turn into what it has become? I have done ALL that I could do to "get us help" up to and including not only counseling for us as a couple, which he has refused but counseling for myself. I need to continue to "stay in the moment" and see my situation "as it really is"...

 

I am despairingly saddened by the broken promises and the lack of continuation of what I thought was true love. I see a resorting to past behavior. Addiction. Withdrawal. Attacking speech. All from the man whom I love.

 

I am no longer in denial. I have no "christian box" to protect me from this truth. I have faced it and I am not a fool...anymore.

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