SilverLining Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Alright, so I just started questioning my beliefs (ironically, after church camp and trying to read the Bible myself >__>.) And, I realized how much I rely on my beliefs to keep me sane. I'm having a lot of trouble de-converting. I honestly think I have an anxiety disorder and I'm letting my fear control me. I'm really uncomfortable with not believing in God, because I'm afraid of God hating me, Hell, and demons attacking me. I know that sounds incredibly stupid and I know I shouldn't believe in it. I just can't shake those beliefs; its really hard. They're like hardwired into my brain. I also feel uncomfortable being alone, because my dad would always tell me that I'm safe from demons as long as I am under God's 'protection'. So, now I feel like its open season on me to be possessed or messed with. I feel like someone has died or I lost my best friend/dad :/. That's really hard to cope with because I used to rely on God for EVERYTHING. I know it sounds silly, but the idea of not believing in God makes cry... One last anxiety that I have is letting go of prayer. I'm a really sensitive person, so if I ever see someone die on the news I feel awful and I pray. Now, that I don't believe in God (...I can't believe I said that) I can't pray for others when I'm worried about them. Its hard for me to accept that. People are suffering everywhere and I used to pray and I truly thought that would help. Now, I don't know what to do. Can anyone help or relate? I just need help not feeling crazy -___-. P.S. sorry for grammar errors D: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Hopefully this isn't too trite, but it sounds like you are going through a natural grieving process. I think we all went through it in our own way. The good news is, nothing has changed, only your perspective. You've always coped on your own and with the help of your family, friends and loved ones and you'll go on coping and even thriving as the realization further sets in that it is your strength that has gotten you here, not the strength of some invisible, non communicative being you thought was there. All the best. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverLining Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 Noo it doesn't sound too trite. I've heard it before, but being reminded is reassuring And, I guess you're right. It feels selfish to say this, but it really always has been my doing :/. Every prayer I thought was answered was either my hard work or just luck. Thanks for your help♥ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenerGal Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 This is a hard process, SilverLining, Be gentle with yourself like you would toward anyone else going through a hard time. I am a few months into the deconversion process and can tell you that you're not crazy. Since I didn't grow up in the church, as it sounds like you did, the hard part for me was facing the idea of no afterlife and losing relationships with people I met through church, as well as adjusting to my unbelief in my marriage. What was it exactly that led you to not believe (particular passage, Christian behavior, etc). Thank you for bravely sharing your story with us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 4, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome! I think you are having a normal reaction under the circumstances. Hell, you just realized you've been duped/mistaken and need to adopt a new view of reality. It will work out in time - brainwashing/indoctrination doesn't disappear overnight. Hang in there - it's worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ro-bear Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I know that sounds incredibly stupid and I know I shouldn't believe in it. I just can't shake those beliefs; its really hard. They're like hardwired into my brain. It doesn't sound stupid at all. And I don't think it is hard-wired into your brain; I think it is just a difficult virus to eradicate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Valk0010 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 It all gets easier the more you learn, just not trust anything just because someone says it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverLining Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 This is a hard process, SilverLining, Be gentle with yourself like you would toward anyone else going through a hard time. I am a few months into the deconversion process and can tell you that you're not crazy. Since I didn't grow up in the church, as it sounds like you did, the hard part for me was facing the idea of no afterlife and losing relationships with people I met through church, as well as adjusting to my unbelief in my marriage. What was it exactly that led you to not believe (particular passage, Christian behavior, etc). Thank you for bravely sharing your story with us! You guys are so understanding lol (: I was afraid someone would yell at me for being irrational. I didn't really grow up in the church. My family doesn't go to church, but I did go to a Christian school for the first 10 years of my life. I was the more religious one (besides my father) always trying to get my parents to listen to 'Christian' radio stations instead of 'rap music' and reading my Bible/praying without anyone telling me to. So, my faith was more private. But, what made me question my beliefs was Laci Green's (gogreen18's) YouTube videos. Then, I went to church camp and I got really into it, but something deep down inside didn't feel right when we would have our church sessions. And, the church my father attends (without our family) is REALLY Christian and that turned me off. We strictly follow the dietary laws of Leviticus (which means no Ramen noodles or marshmallows ), don't believe in 'catching' the Holy Ghost or speaking in tongues, don't believe in the Trinity/Holy Spirit, and don't celebrate any holidays. They also believe that black people are the true Israelites so that means they think all black people are cursed. Yeah, that was the final straw for me. I had to research this crap for myself. So, I actually started reading the Bible. I read the story of Job where God allowed Satan to tempt/torture Job. That didn't feel right to me... Why would God hurt a man who had already proven how much he loves God? And, why would God curse an entire nation of people for someone else's mistakes or send someone morally good to Hell, because they didn't believe? I had a lot of questions so I researched it myself. It didn't feel right how a lot of Christianity's arguments were easily refuted, based on 'emotional' accounts, and blind faith. Then, I found TheThinkingAtheist's and Evid3nc3's YouTube videos. So here I am. I just started deconverting. I'm like 3 days in :/. florduh- That's true. I already feel kind of free. I can study Science or Philosophy without being afraid it'll interfere with my beliefs (: Ro-bear- Lol, I never really thought of it as a virus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 You're not chicken. The fear - the wrestling with the con job your teachers and fellow Christians did on your brain - it's all part of the courageous process of coming to grips with a newly unfolding grasp on reality. You're not the only one who is going through this process and there are many many who have been through something like you've been through. I hate the anguish and anxiety you are feeling right now. But that will subside. Give it time. And welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Alright, so I just started questioning my beliefs...And, I realized how much I rely on my beliefs to keep me sane. I'm having a lot of trouble de-converting. I honestly think I have an anxiety disorder and I'm letting my fear control me. Welcome, SL! I agree with the others: I think this is normal. Unfortunately (fortunately) losing faith is inevitable, like a landslide. You can bolster the slope all you like, but eventually it's all coming down. Yes, you may have an anxiety disorder, or maybe it's part of this process, which is cataclysmic. Going through a loss of faith is very unsettling and can be terrifying at times. In a way, it's like having a baby: it's inevitable and progressive but excruciatingly painful. But once you get to the other side, it's worth the peace! I feel like someone has died or I lost my best friend/dad :/. I read in an academic journal recently that losing faith is like going though a painful divorce. Please give yourself time to grieve and a process to work out what you do believe. It's so worth it on the other side! Stick around with us here at Ex-C. We will "doula" you through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 SilverLining, please forgive my impropriety in saying so, but I think you are beautiful. Uh... In my assessment the really bright people here at ex-C do not identify themselves as atheists. If they are asked the question, "Do you believe in God?" They will typically answer along lines such as... "That is a poorly framed question." Welcome to ex-C. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Alright, so I just started questioning my beliefs (ironically, after church camp and trying to read the Bible myself >__>.) And, I realized how much I rely on my beliefs to keep me sane. I'm having a lot of trouble de-converting. I honestly think I have an anxiety disorder and I'm letting my fear control me. I'm really uncomfortable with not believing in God, because I'm afraid of God hating me, Hell, and demons attacking me. I know that sounds incredibly stupid and I know I shouldn't believe in it. I just can't shake those beliefs; its really hard. They're like hardwired into my brain. I also feel uncomfortable being alone, because my dad would always tell me that I'm safe from demons as long as I am under God's 'protection'. So, now I feel like its open season on me to be possessed or messed with. I feel like someone has died or I lost my best friend/dad :/. That's really hard to cope with because I used to rely on God for EVERYTHING. I know it sounds silly, but the idea of not believing in God makes cry... One last anxiety that I have is letting go of prayer. I'm a really sensitive person, so if I ever see someone die on the news I feel awful and I pray. Now, that I don't believe in God (...I can't believe I said that) I can't pray for others when I'm worried about them. Its hard for me to accept that. People are suffering everywhere and I used to pray and I truly thought that would help. Now, I don't know what to do. Can anyone help or relate? I just need help not feeling crazy -___-. P.S. sorry for grammar errors D: It is true that people are suffering everywhere and have been suffering since the beginning of time and will probably continue to suffer till the end. But there are ways that you can help people which is actually more effective than prayer. You could feed someone, teach someone to read, be a mentor, volunteer somewhere. Just ask yourself how you could help others. Deconverting can be a great emotional upheaval because what is belief other than an emotion? Give yourself time to deconvert. It isn't an instant switch over. Ask questions about religion but dont settle for non-answers like "it's god's will" or "his ways are mysterous." Take a look at evilbible.com (actual bible verses that show how mean the god of the bible is) and godisimaginary.com. You mention OCD. Really, christianity is an obession. But it is an obsession with your imagination instead of a separate being. So embrace yourself knowing that it was YOU all along keeping yourself sane. It was YOU doing all the wonderful things and getting all those wonderful ideas that you attributed to god. That small still voice is you. It has always been you and the only thing different now is how you conceive things. Nothing has changed. Just an idea in your mind has changed. The great fortitude, strength courage and bravado you thought you had because of god was really yours all along. Lots of people are Christians and lots of people are not Christians. We all seem to survive. You will too...and without religious fear and guilt. That will fade with time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3DollarBill Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Of course we can relate. If leaving the cult weren't a traumatic experience, this site wouldn't exist. There would be no need for it, we would all just say "I quit" and go on our merry ways. This may be an oversimplification but here's a thought for you...if Gawd is real, he is either: a.) the all-loving character the xtians pretend he is OR b.) an evil motherfucker If a.) is true, he won't send you to hell for thoughtcrime. If b.) is true then why trust him to save you even if you believe? Personally I'm going with option C: If there is a powerful being out there responsible for creating a universe 93,000,000,000 light years across and containing 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars at a LOW estimate, all over the course of about 14,000,000,000 years... what are the odds he really gives a flying fuck what you think? Do you care if the tick on your dog's ass believes you exist? No? Ok then. I started questioning xtianity from early childhood. I'm 25 and only admitted I am an atheist last fall. Give it some time...but that's where you're headed. You took the blue pill and from here on you can't un-see it even if you try. Welcome to the real world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome SilverLining! I'll just be another one to tell you that what you are going through is totally normal. On the bright side, you are young. That's a big advantage! First of all, you haven't spent decades in xianty like I did. Second, you will have the rest of your life to REALLY live free of a myth! Stick around and make some friends. There are lots of people here, including me, that would love to help you through the process however we can. Every time I see someone your age going through this process, it makes me proud of your generation. There is no idea to rush into a label (Agnostic, Deist, Atheist, whatever). Just continue to do what you are doing, i.e. educate yourself in this subject, ask questions, and embrace the truth as you see it. Whatever you want to call yourself whenever you want to do that will come as a natural consequence. One more thing since you mentioned Job... I read the story of Job where God allowed Satan to tempt/torture Job. That didn't feel right to me... Why would God hurt a man who had already proven how much he loves God? Here's a pretty good video from DarkMatter2525 about the story of Job. It's meant to be funny but also point out the ridiculousness of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Valk0010 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 SilverLining, please forgive my impropriety in saying so, but I think you are beautiful. Uh... In my assessment the really bright people here at ex-C do not identify themselves as atheists. If they are asked the question, "Do you believe in God?" They will typically answer along lines such as... "That is a poorly framed question." Welcome to ex-C. I hope you enjoy your stay here. That brings up a often lost distinction. There is a difference between saying, there is absolutely no way in hell there is no god in the universe out of the universe anywhere and saying you just don't see a good reason to believe in one. Both are technically, atheists. If you want to know, silverlining since my profile doesn't give it away. I am the latter, I just see no reason to believe in one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConureDelSol Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Believe it or not "I'm too chicken to be atheist" was something I used to say a lot. It wasn't until I realized that I didn't really believe in everything, but was staying in the fold because of fear that I realized how horribly wrong Christianity is. I thought of it like this: A great leader will receive followers by being a great example, earning respect and by sharing their love with his/her people. Whereas a dictator or a fascist leader controls by instilling fear in his/her people and only appeals to their instinct of self-preservation. The reality is that God is more of the dictator than the great leader. Now I don't believe in Hell anymore (or demons, angels, etc.) but if it were my penalty for choosing not to submit to the fascist dictator that is God, then it only reinforces my view that God is either evil or not there at all. At least I'd be in good company though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 We've all been there SL. Welcome!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted July 4, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 4, 2012 It appears to me that you are doing just fine, SilverLining! We have all gone through various phases of deconversion, some more disturbing and traumatic than others. It took me two or three years after seriously doubting the God(s) of Christianity to finally rid myself of religious thinking. About a year and a half in I spent a day looking at the world as an atheist. At the end of the day, I decided that the price was too high for me and my family to afford, and I turned back to God. By the end of the following year I had deconverted my family and stopped attending church. It sure is a relief when you finally break free! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 You guys are so understanding lol (: I was afraid someone would yell at me for being irrational. Certainly don't think you're irrational - just checking in to let you know that I'm another one who has been in your shoes and have lived through it and am doing just fine now. Fear of hell, fear that God would retaliate against me for leaving - yep, it seems to be part of the process for some of us. Just as a side note, my leaving the faith was started by reading the Bible through in a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Some deconvert in an hour- some take years. There's a buttload of brainwashing to undo. It's a process. Just making the leap to having serious doubts (as opposed to fanatical refusal to accept basic fundamental facts) is a big step. You've already done the hard part! Now just relax your mind, and learn as much as you can from reputable sources, and let logic do the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverLining Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 oddbird1963- Okay, its hard right now, but hopefully being on this site will help me out. Positivist- I hope its worth it. I keep feeling like questioning my faith has been a terrible mistake, especially because you can't really de-deconvert... And, maybe that saying, "Ignorance is Bliss" is right? I don't know . It does feel like a painful divorce though. Its weird how Christianity really makes you love God. I feel like my relationship with God went far beyond a creator/creation one. Legion- You are so sweet thank you! Ohh, my bad lol. Do most of you not identify with any labels? Or are you more specific about what you call yourselves? midniterider- I was actually considering volunteering. I love helping others. But, I don't know if that will satisfy my need of wanting to take care of/help the whole world... which I felt like my prayers did. I'll just have to accept the fact that I can't help everyone in the world, but I can help as many people as I can. I took a look at evilbible.com and I can't believe how contradictory the Bible is! I knew there were some contradictions, but I didn't realize there were that many. And, you're so right when you say that Christianity is an obsession. People say you can never have enough God, but sometimes it seems like their love for God is really unhealthy and taken too far. People really do give their lives to Jesus and its kinda scary. Especially, when they start speaking in tongues and catching the Holy Spirit. Something about the whole thing doesn't sit right with me sometimes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Valk0010 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I try to avoid any labels. Not religious fits the best to me really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaiser01 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I too, deconverted at church camp. Well i guess technically i lost my faith there. I lived my life, in constant pain under religion, constant turmoil and constant fear. I feared hell no matter how much i begged god to keep me safe. I never felt God no matter how much i begged him to touch me, i went into depression, i went into sadness. I hated myself and everyhing about me, it was my fault i thought, i was the problem, not the all knowing God who was supposed to love me. I came to the point that i considered myself to have no worth as a human being if i couldn't get God to love me at church camp. it was my last buffer zone, my last line of defense, or i wasn't human any longer. Church camp came around and i continued to do the same thing i was supposed to do before, i begged, i begged harder than i ever had before. But still no God. About the third night, the youth pastor's wife said somthing that would change everything. she said, "dont trust the heart for the heart deceives you." All my life i had been taught that jesus came through the heart, everything was about our heart i had been taught. I became so confused that it hurt, it physically hurt. But then, i can still feel it now, an instant and my faith died. It shattered. I felt nothing, i felt no God, and i wanted no God, i suddenly felt human again. I stopped carring, but i didn't stop calling myself a christian. I didnt know anything but christianity, all other ideas to me were insignificant. After a few months though i began to question, i began to look, i tried to pray agian and nothing happened, but this time, i questioned. I began ooking on the internet for why God didn't exist and eventually i ended up here. Loosing God, is painful, it is hard, and at first it is unbearable. You will be angry, you will be filled with dispair. But you will learn, you will learn of the wonder around you. when you remove the blindfolds of christianity and religion the universe becomes clear. the universe without God is somthing so much more, life is worth more and so is education. You will find it liberating to live without God, do not feel depressed, dont feel angry. embrace the freedom that you no longer must worry about religion. no more stress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Do most of you not identify with any labels? . Some are hung up on labels. Most don't worry about it as far as I can tell. Personally, I don't worry about it, but consider myself an atheist if anyone cares to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Sounds like you are waking up from learned helplessness - I think it was Confucius who said "The door it open. It is up to you to walk through it." My label is peculiar, maladapted, obstinate, troublemaking, insolent, nogoodnick and i wear it proudly, thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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