Getting Into Christianity, Mental Illness And Struggling Now With How To Recover

[rachel15]

I've just looked over what I've written and realise that I've put a bit of a life story here. I hadn't meant to, but I'm trying to work things out right now with where I go from Christianity not working out for me.

 

I had some difficult things happen in my upbringing - my parents were very young and immature, and an angry man began a relationship with my mum when I was about three who went on to become my stepfather and everyone was nice to him and overlooked what was happening to me - my mum gave up sticking up for me as it just made this man pick on me more. This really screwed me up emotionally and when I finally had my own child 19 years ago, I lost the plot and became mentally ill. It was around this time that I was searching for meaning in life too and had been wanting to visit a church to find out about God.

 

From that time, I kept having relapses of serious mental illness and finally about eleven years ago I met a couple of Christians and one of them gave me a bible, and another (a nurse on the psychiatric ward) told me of her church nearby. I was still confused and even went to a psychic at one point, and was having bouts of scary psychosis, but finally I went to the church which was quite a forceful revivalist church. They were baptising people in a couple of weeks, so I signed up (they didn't really check me out very well) and said I wanted to follow God - which I definitely did as I was convinced that evil things had happened to me as a child, and believed I was being followed by satanists who wanted to harm me and my child. So to follow God, and Jesus, who is good and go to heaven seemed like a really good idea.

 

Anyway, over the past eleven years I have really tried to follow God and deal with the recurrence of mental illness. Straight away I realised that this illness could be 'demonic' and indeed this was confirmed by different people telling me I was hearing from the devil etc. I had someone try to deliver me and I ended up with bloodshot eyes I was coughing so hard to get the demon out. Even though it was an awful experience, I still didn't want to give up on the idea of Christianity and the belief that these other people were good people and perhaps were better than I was as they weren't bothered by voices and hallucinations.

 

Finally, just recently I have been in two minds again - I have sought help and discernment and guidance over and over for relief from the voices and psychosis and from my inability to move on and get on with my life. I had a meeting with a couple and my pastoral leader at church and the man of the couple said that he thought that I hadn't been 'birthed' properly since I was talking about things that happened in the darkness whereas I should be in the kingdom of light. He said that there was a battle for my soul, but that it can be sorted and that God loves me very much and to just keep saying, Jesus, I am hanging on to you.

 

Well, I knew there was going to be trouble after that meeting because I had some time on my own at home and its difficult to switch off thinking when you are by yourself, and sure enough I had a 'flood' of negative voices and thoughts against following Christianity. I rebuked the devil in Jesus name and called out to Jesus, but it was overwhelming. So, what now?

 

Either I had just been thrown over by the devil or something psychological had been happening. I have searched online to understand more about voices and it seems that if you are into Christianity, it is very often demonic although some Christians do talk about people having 'alters' - parts of people's souls that become split due to trauma. Psychologically, there is an explanation of people getting voices after stress and trauma and theories again of it being due to splits in a person's core self. Then there are also spiritualists and psychics who talk about spirits contacting people. I don't know if all these voices are parts of me or belong somewhere else.

 

I went to church today, despite really knowing that I don't have faith anymore and I'm really not sure what to believe - although part of me wishes I could be a person accepted by God in a community of believers, that there is something good after death and that I won't have to deal with the fear of going to hell.

 

So, this is where I am. Its really early days. This couple have given me some teaching tapes to listen to about deliverance and rejection, but my heart isn't into listening to them. I feel like I really need psychological help now. I live on my own in an area where there are LOADS of Christians and I even work voluntarily sometimes for a Christian charity. I only have one friend who is secular. My family are non-Christian and live further away and I get on better with them now, but growing up with them really screwed me up. Also, my son has been really negatively affected by the combination of me having mental health and being religious and moved out from my home to his dad's.

 

I realise that people can't live my life for me and tell me what to do - but has anyone out there experienced mental illness or the endless feeling bad about yourself, especially that comes from wondering why you're afflicted by something like a demon? If God is good and loves me so much and if people really do get delivered from demons, then why didn't it happen? Why, have I never seen a demon come out of anyone and known of anyone totally delivered? Is it all psychological?? I have read about people being delivered, but that's where it just seems to happen - with people recounting what's happened in books.

 

I think that there are too many things in the bible that don't work if you believe in them literally and try to follow them. But having said that, I know other Christians who are having wonderful lives and are basically pretty happy and secure in believing that they have a relationship with God and they don't seem to have these hang ups. It seems great for them being blessed all the time.

 

So, now I have about a week where I can try and avoid meeting up with some Christians and while I won't see this couple and I have to think of what I am going to say to them when I next see them and how to give the tapes back, and try to think, what am I going to do now?

[Deva]

Welcome to Ex-C. If I have one piece of advice I can give to you RIGHT NOW, it is to not see anymore Christians. If you need to give tapes or something back to them, I say, mail it. You do not owe people explanations for saying NO. If you want, you can give them one, but its not your obligation. Christianity and good mental health do not co-exist. I know that you think you have seen well-adjusted and happy Christians, but we are not all the same psychologically and what seems to work for one person does not work for another. I have seen that in my own situation.

 

The other piece of advice I have for you is to stick around on this forum. We know what Christianity can do to people and we know how to escape from it.

[rachel15]

Thanks for your reply Deva. I'm still know that deep down I'm struggling with this notion of good versus evil - I think that its because of deep-rooted issues. I can avoid speaking to most Christians this week, except that I do have a commitment to work for a charity and I need to keep on good terms with them to get a good reference. I guess I could ring up and say that I am ill.

[Deva]

Rachel, I don't think its necessary to cut off all contact from all Christians whatsoever. That would be impossible to do in this society. I want to be clear - I say stay away from the ones who think they have something to teach you or try to tell you things to do that you don't want to do.

 

The charity work may be OK. You alone can be the judge of that. Just listen to yourself.

[Sissi]

Dear Rachel,

 

Thank you for your testimony. It reminds me my past christian life with the story of the devil when you go through struggles. And I know it can takes time

to realize all these interpretations are wrong. There is no devil. All you would need it to see a doctor and the most important someone who is completely

out for the mentality of christians. Christian will bring you confusion all the time and give you bad advice that does not relect the reality. If you doubt

they will try to convert you again or tell you have no faith. All this middle is not healthy at all. People think they receive a godly interpretation but in

fact this is THEIR interpretation.

I do not want to hurt you but you waste your time if you expect Jesus or christians will help you. And let me tell you I lost 20 years of my life. The minister of delivrance is something I know well

and I saw people being worse or be obsessed by the devil. They also feel persecuted when they are not. Regarding myself, I had some troubles as well and christians casted out demons but I didnt

feel well. In fact there was another reason which is not evil at all, but a part of my life. I will not say more....

 

I wish you a great Sunday :-)

[Edie]

Hi Rachel, and welcome.

 

It's very early days for you. It's taken me a very long time to figure out what I believe and become comfortable with it. You don't have to come to a decision straight away.

 

Right now you feel this particular church is not for you. That's enough for now, you have plenty of time to think about the rest. Do not listen to the tapes if you don't want to. When you give them back you can just say, "thank you, it's given me a lot to think about," and leave it at that.

 

You do sound like you need psychological help. If you had a broken leg you'd go to a doctor not a Christian. This is an illness just the same. You deserve the best help, and that's going to come from a medic.

 

You're dealing with a lot of difficulties at the same time as losing your faith. That's really, really hard. You really do need to seek appropriate support for yourself through this.

 

It sounds like the church have really played on your thoughts caused by your illness. It's really important that you get the right help so you can see things clearly.

 

I have not suffered the same mental health problems as you, but I have suffered from severe depression. The church did not help me with that, only medical help and appropriate psychological help made me improve.

 

Seek all the support you can get - your family, your son, your secular friend, speak to them and suss out how much support each are able to provide. And the forum, we are good listeners here.

 

You sound like you are on the right path now. Go easy on yourself, take your time, and eventually you will find beliefs you feel confortable with.

[rachel15]

Thanks for your reply Deva. I will have a think about it.

 

Thanks for your post Sissi - I agree that there can be a preoccupation with the devil and deliverance which is really unhelpful. I guess from even being a young child I was told about God and the Devil so like a lot of people I had the beginnings of these ideas sown into me when I was very open and they are kind of hard to shake.

 

The thing is that I know that part of me is still sucked into believing it - I think cause I went to a Sunday school for a short while as a small child, and said the Lord's prayer over and over - and its really nice to think of there being a good God who loves you and wants the best for you - its just that if you believe the Christian God then there's the whole bible to believe because 'all scripture is God-breathed' or 'inspired by God' and it says some troubling things.

 

Before I became a Christian I thought that Christians were really good people and that Christianity was a really good thing to believe in. I do see Christian people who are good and who feel nice to be around, but they seem to be able to filter out a lot of what the bible says - at least how I read it anyway.

[rachel15]

hi Edie, thanks for your reply - I see that you are from Surrey - pretty close to me - its been a beautiful day out today.

[Sissi]

Thanks for your reply Deva. I will have a think about it.

 

Thanks for your post Sissi - I agree that there can be a preoccupation with the devil and deliverance which is really unhelpful. I guess from even being a young child I was told about God and the Devil so like a lot of people I had the beginnings of these ideas sown into me when I was very open and they are kind of hard to shake.

 

The thing is that I know that part of me is still sucked into believing it - I think cause I went to a Sunday school for a short while as a small child, and said the Lord's prayer over and over - and its really nice to think of there being a good God who loves you and wants the best for you - its just that if you believe the Christian God then there's the whole bible to believe because 'all scripture is God-breathed' or 'inspired by God' and it says some troubling things.

 

Before I be

 

came a Christian I thought that Christians were really good people and that Christianity was a really good thing to believe in. I do see Christian people who are good and who feel nice to be around, but they seem to be able to filter out a lot of what the bible says - at least how I read it anyway.

 

How could be the Scripture inspired by God when in the old Testament so many innocents like children have been killed "in the name of God" ??? and you can read in the 10 commandements "you will not kill". Then God which is called a God of love order to kill ???

 

In 20 years I never felt God's love but I was so brainwashed and under mind control I thought he was a caring God !!

 

Do you think he is nice and you can trust him when he tested good person like Job and sent him Satan to test him ? and allowed Job was in such a misery ??

 

Regarding myself I can ask : "wow, what is the next nice trial I will receive from Him like a proof of his goodness ? a death in my family ? I will be fired ?

 

How can we trust someone so unstable and you do not know what will be the "next gift" he will send to you for your well ??

 

You know Rachel, these few questions helped me to understand that the bible cannot be godly inspired but only put people under mind control with fear...and when you deconvert

it is a big challenge because brainwashing is very powerful : the fear of going hell, or loosing your salvation. You will notice that the bible hthas exactly the same characteristics

of a cult : threat, love bombing, you are discouraged to listen your inner voice but you must believe the most stupid things, etc.....this book IS DEFINITELY FAKE AND DANGEROUS and

destabilize a lot of christians with fake promises.

[rachel15]

hi Sissi,

 

I have to admit that it has troubled me that when Job was tested - it meant that not only did he suffer, but people around him were killed - so they lost their lives so that he could be tested which seems extremely unfair.

 

Another thing that has troubled me is a scripture somewhere in Isaiah I think where he talks about the punishing the women of Jerusalem of Israel by shaming them and it just seems to read to me like something a man with issues would say (!)

 

But what I am not sure about is that several times, I have felt what I thought was God's presence - its been an actual tangible presence and I know that other people have said the same thing too. I have wondered if this is some kind of 'emotional' thing going on or an hallucination.

 

The thing is that I have soaked up ever such a lot of the teaching over the past 11 years, and I didn't have a strong sense of self before I became a Christian - because I was searching for a sense of purpose - but I just seem to have gotten into more of a mess and more distant from what's really me. I guess that's probably down to psychological issues, but Christianity doesn't seem to have helped although it kept promising to.

 

I agree that there does seem to be a lot of love bombing - hugging and kissing people you hardly know because they are Christian and because they are your 'brother' and 'sister'. To me, coming from a dysfunctional family, that has been quite a draw - although I noticed that if you were more genuinely needy then sometimes you might be treated more as someone to 'minister' to rather than come alongside in genuine friendship. I guess its always going to be conditional friendship - because you are friends and 'family' because you share the same beliefs and worship the same God and 'what fellowship does light have with darkness' etc. I don't think that I will be able to remain in regular contact with the Christian friends I've had because I know that they will always have an agenda.

 

I feel like i've lost my mind!! I seem to have given up my ability to think for myself over the past years, and that's been compounded by having had mental illness. I just hope my ability to think more intelligently comes back.

 

Thanks for posting Sissi

 

 

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

They want to offer you more and more christianity-wise to try to build up their own faith, hoping and expecting that hopefully "God will save you from being a wretched little lunatic". When in reality, you with psychosis, are in touch with reality more than they. Yeah, you're afraid and want to connect, but you keep coming back to the reality that its not helping you, and clearly they're wasting your time. Maybe they are well meaning and think it will help, but they're deluded to think so. You need to see a psychiatrist to get help, someone who has studied and learned about the brain and how to help people in your situation.

 

I know this first hand. Its no coincidence that around the time the last bit of christianity left me, I was suicidal. I haven't really been that bad before nor since. To have a mental illness, whether caused by or made worse by being abused (something I can also relate to having survived), and then to have religion, and have that religion try to "cure" you, and have doubts about it, then be told that those doubts are demons trying to drag you back, is the biggest mindfuck you're ever going to probably have to deal with! I'm sorry you have to deal with it, I know first hand its hard.

 

All I can say is stay away from church, learn about how religion really is, and learn about science and history. These things will help you understand the world the way it really is, and the way they fail to admit it is. It will also help you stay away from the mindtraps they set up. I was told about o so many christian paths that were "better", I was even introduced to Islam by people who wanted to "save my soul". Truth is, they needed help more than I did.

 

I have good news for you though. Despite your mental illness, you have a good head on your shoulders, you're able to deal with psychosis (I commend you, thats tough stuff to deal with), and still see their bullshit for what it is. You can and will get through this. And once over the horizon, you'll look back wondering how you were ever ensnared into this garbage to begin with.

 

I had to have Bipolar and deconvert simultaeneously. That was hard enough.

 

Welcome to the forum!

[rachel15]

Hi Babylonian Dream, thanks for your post - yes, it does all seem huge atm. My biggest problem at the moment is that Christianity is presented as all truth - Jesus is the way, the TRUTH, the life - linked with ALL scripture is God-breathed - which means that everything else religious or 'faith' based apart from what is said in the bible or endorsed by the Christian God (or I should say Christians who interpret the bible) is inspired by the devil. I remember reading a tract which says that religion is the work of the devil - and there are lots of warnings about 'New Age' beliefs being satanic and working towards the coming of the 'man of sin'.

 

This has gone in pretty deep ... so when I find myself wanting to explore other beliefs/meanings and faith based ideas i keep getting trapped/ tripped up by this.

 

Right at the beginning of being a Christian the scripture 'take every thought captive' was emphasised to me as a way of dealing with difficult thoughts ... so over the years I've kind of blocked off my thinking of alternatives to the understanding I had of the bible, or as it was presented to me. And then when I had problems, it was always because I hadn't understood it the right way.

 

During bouts of psychosis I did have times when I sensed what seemed like actual 'demons' attached or near to me and heard voices so this makes it all the more difficult too and has made me in the past want to cling to christianity because I wanted the good to overcome and I keep finding myself wondering if I am just giving into evil by letting go of it - which yes, I guess, is a really big screw up mentally.

 

I am thinking maybe i need to look more at contradictions in the bible and scriptures that don't work more and read about the history of it being put together - to see the flaws so I can be absolutely convinced that its ALL man-made and has nonsense in it. But that seems like it will be something that will take quite a bit of time and my concentration isn't always that great because of medication.

 

I KNOW that thing have gone in wrong in a big way, but because I've struggled with mental illness and my confidence has been so majorly knocked, its hard to keep myself positive about what is the essence of me - something which i've had problems with for years anyway. I've already tried to commit suicide several times in the past.

 

I do want to still believe that there could be a good, compassionate energy or force or 'God' that isn't associated with this mental bondage so that I've got something to hold on to.

 

Ugh ... what have I got myself into!!

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

Hi Babylonian Dream, thanks for your post - yes, it does all seem huge atm. My biggest problem at the moment is that Christianity is presented as all truth - Jesus is the way, the TRUTH, the life - linked with ALL scripture is God-breathed - which means that everything else religious or 'faith' based apart from what is said in the bible or endorsed by the Christian God (or I should say Christians who interpret the bible) is inspired by the devil. I remember reading a tract which says that religion is the work of the devil - and there are lots of warnings about 'New Age' beliefs being satanic and working towards the coming of the 'man of sin'.

 

This has gone in pretty deep ... so when I find myself wanting to explore other beliefs/meanings and faith based ideas i keep getting trapped/ tripped up by this.

This here is exactly why its going to be the hardest thing to sift through. Everyone is trying to tell you that their religion/delusion is the one true reality, when in reality, they're all wrong. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, New Age, etc.... They're not of the devil, they're just false. The reality is, there really isn't a God or devil, heaven or hell. And being someone who struggles with psychosis, they're going to be making this harder for you.

 

Just like when I had bipolar, I'd be fine. I'd be confident there isn't a god. But when I became depressed, I was begging God to take me back. Even though I no longer believed, all of a sudden I did. Then I'd regain my confidence when I got out of that state, and carry on wondering why I get like that. It had other, more embarrassing effects when I deconverted.

 

Right at the beginning of being a Christian the scripture 'take every thought captive' was emphasised to me as a way of dealing with difficult thoughts ... so over the years I've kind of blocked off my thinking of alternatives to the understanding I had of the bible, or as it was presented to me. And then when I had problems, it was always because I hadn't understood it the right way.

 

During bouts of psychosis I did have times when I sensed what seemed like actual 'demons' attached or near to me and heard voices so this makes it all the more difficult too and has made me in the past want to cling to christianity because I wanted the good to overcome and I keep finding myself wondering if I am just giving into evil by letting go of it - which yes, I guess, is a really big screw up mentally.

 

I am thinking maybe i need to look more at contradictions in the bible and scriptures that don't work more and read about the history of it being put together - to see the flaws so I can be absolutely convinced that its ALL man-made and has nonsense in it. But that seems like it will be something that will take quite a bit of time and my concentration isn't always that great because of medication.

I hear you there. I was one of the ones that ended up hitting all the side effects, which is why I just don't take meds until I need them. For some this just isn't possible, I feel for you there. They try to wrap everyone up so tight into the religion, and everyone ends up asking themselves if they're giving into the devil when deconverting, realizing the religion is false. A mental screw up? No, its just years and years of indoctrination. If God was real, he wouldn't really care if you believed he existed or not. He's supposed to be above us, yet, not even we are that petty.

 

Actually, if you don't have the concentration, it doesn't matter all that much. Just watch a video on charlatans and conartists, and you'll see that pastors use every trick in their book. Also see one about abusive relationships, espectially emotional and verbal abuse, and depression and low selfesteem, then compare it to christianity, the bible, and their god. That on its own will help you see that its just mental manipulation and abuse. Whether you had psychosis or not, you'd go through this, but its going to be harder for you because of it. But you can still do it.

 

I KNOW that thing have gone in wrong in a big way, but because I've struggled with mental illness and my confidence has been so majorly knocked, its hard to keep myself positive about what is the essence of me - something which i've had problems with for years anyway. I've already tried to commit suicide several times in the past.

I hear you, I've been at rock bottom. It sucks very very badly. It's good you didn't commit suicide though, its good your still around. Keeping positive is tough. More recently this has become easier for me, by trying to do things I like and trying not to focus so much on what is stressing me.

 

I do want to still believe that there could be a good, compassionate energy or force or 'God' that isn't associated with this mental bondage so that I've got something to hold on to.

Part of me still does too. Though neither Christians, Jews, Muslims nor anyone has come up with that yet. Just read the Bible, Quran and Hadiths. Their God they describe is neither good nor compassionate. All 3 agree, that its just and god's law to stone rape victims. The Bible goes one step further and allows the rape victim in certain circumstances to live, but marry her rapist. My brother argued with me that this was somehow good once. Its morally repugnant.

[rachel15]

Thanks for the reply to my post - I do remember the bible saying that a rape victim ought to marry her rapist and you're right - this is morally repugnant. But there's always a reason or excuse for why things like that are in the bible - basically it always ends up that its the readers fault or lack of understanding, never God's fault or never the writer of the bible's fault.

[rachel15]

You know what, after writing that, I feel bad because I suggested that something could be God's fault!

[Margee]

Hi Rachel, and welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Rachel, one thing I have learned in my life is that a lot of mental illness and depression comes from us not being able to be and think for ourselves. We have been 'trained up like dogs' and have lost the ability to think for ourselves. It's impotant now that you think for yourself. You will be afraid at first, but it starts getting easier. Ask yourself for every 'matter' and subject, ''Do I really believe this..is this true for me?' Your confidence will grow steadily upward for everytime you take a stand for yourself.

 

I summarized the whole bible for me. I don't need to look up scriptures or tear the bible book apart anymore at all. The whole 'theory' and story of the bible starts at Genesis and moves to the end...Revelation. It falls apart for me right there in Genesis. It's the ancient people's story and they have passed it down to us and want us to accept and believe it.....front to back. The story of the 'fall of man'. That's what the whole book is about.

 

For me...all I have to do is go to Genesis and read the first 3 chapters. God's fucked up plan in the garden and a talking snake. It ends right there for me. Done. I don't have to read one more thing. Do you believe in this story, cause that's where it all starts.? Because if you don't....you don't have to believe in the rest of it............You tell me if that makes sense to you. A powerful god who created the whole entire universe and he didn't know his creation was going to fail?

 

Ancient stories my dear friend...that's what they are. And ALWAYS...my question is...if there was just Adam, Eve and the talking snake living in that moment...who stood outside the garden and documented the whole thing? Think about this.....

 

If man didn't really 'fall' and that story is completely made up....then we really don't need a 'savior' to save us from our

so-called fallin' state.....

 

Stay with us on board here...You'll learn a lot.

 

glad to have you with us!!

[rachel15]

Hi Margee, thank you for writing ... you made me laugh, although seriously I have been worrying that I'm going through some kind of breakdown and took some extra medication today. I really am grateful that you have written so clearly to me about thinking for myself and being myself. When this mental illness first started, I damn well knew that it was due to the horrible behaviour and screw ups of the adults in my childhood who didn't want to take any responsibility, but because I wasn't coping and was very vulnerable with lots of stresses at the time, I caved in and fell for the huge guilt trip that there was something intrinsically wrong with me and Christianity was there to confirm this and the 'demonic' hallucinations and confusion. I still know that I'm pretty mixed up and I'm hoping I can get some kind of psychological support (although the crappy mental health services in my area just seem to mainly medicate).

 

To be honest I think the seeds for this illness were also sown by going to Sunday school for a short while around the time I was being mistreated as a child. It meant that I associated people with the devil or God. If God as the bible is written about, really existed and He's compassionate, then surely he would have stepped in then? Oh, but then I remember about free will about choosing what thoughts we pay attention to... it seems like there are loads of double binds all of a sudden and my understanding of God seems that he's like a really harsh parent... its judged right to give us free will... and to give us biological parents with free will that screw up ... but if we suffer as a consequence of their mistakes or learn wrong things from them its our fault and if we don't miraculously become changed when becoming a Christian, we get the blame again. Sorry I'm ranting. Its just that some people don't really seem to get much of a chance. It's just got to all be a mythology written down by men. I know that you've said that its stories Margee - I guess I just need to keep telling myself that over and over.

 

Thanks to everyone who's posting ... I feel pretty embarrassed at times dealing with this mental illness and knowing that at times I haven't been thinking straight. I really appreciate people's rational and kind responses.

[Denyoz]

Rachel, you sound like a very intelligent woman to me. You know exactly what the problem is. And YOU are the only person who knows exactly what the problem is. You have identified it clearly. Trust your own judgement.

 

I have suffered from mental illness (severe depression) for over five years now. All this time I knew exactly what was causing my depression. But the doctors kept telling me it was a chemical imbalance and kept giving me pills. The medication might help balance the chemicals, but they won't solve your issues. You have issues you need to deal with (we all do). Your body is alerting you to this.

 

You are better than you think: smarter, insightful, resourseful, patient, talented, caring, mature, strong. Your mind might be split, like you mentioned. It's a survival mechanism. Thank your mind that it has the ability to do this. It also has the ability to un-split. Use your WILL, and tell your mind what to do. You're an adult now, the danger has passed, you probably don't need a split mind anymore.

 

Welcome, by the way, I hope you will stick around for a while, you're a cool lady

[rachel15]

Denyoz - thank you so much for your kind and encouraging post. I'm sitting here reflecting on things like how am I going to tell my Christian friend and a couple that she got to 'help' me that I don't want there help anymore - and also my mind is wandering to thinking that I would really like to go to university and study some kind of SCIENCE - PROVEN FACTS!! and I'm wondering if I could ever at my age, do that by myself without any support.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you've had depression too - doctors do seem to want to push pills, and I know there's a place for them ... but sometimes you just really need other kinds of support and encouragement.

[raoul]

hi Edie, thanks for your reply - I see that you are from Surrey - pretty close to me - its been a beautiful day out today.

Please give long thoughts to what the folks over here have told you, especially Deva. They are right on the mark! Being around the fundamentalist type christians you've referred to can do incredible harm to you mental health. The 'devil doing it' is the same thing I used to be told over and over when the simple fact is that on many occasions we just do it to ourselves especially with the thought processes. It takes an incredible amount of time and work to control your thoughts and to try and keep things positive. But you don't need the bible thumpers to hurt you in your quest.

[rachel15]

Thanks for your post raoul ... I will certainly have a look over what's written again and put things in a journal that i've started.

[raoul]

Thanks for your post raoul ... I will certainly have a look over what's written again and put things in a journal that i've started.

You're very welcome Rachel. And just remember, most of the folks around here have been through some or all of what you've experienced. They are really kindred spirits as far as I'm concerned. They offer a wealth of information regarding this cult we were all part of and believe me, it IS a cult. It has all of the earmarks that cults have and ironically, it is the one that condemns other belief systems as being cultish when it's the ONLY one I see. When I first joined here I didn't write anything for a couple of months. I just quietly read hundreds of notes, mostly testimonies of what they'd been through. I can't begin to tell you the emotions that swept through me, seeing how people have been horrifiically harmed in the name of a god and religion. But it also strengthened my resolve as I'm sure it will do for you. As others like Deva have said, just keep away from anyone who will try to lay a guilt trip on you. Guilt is evil because it destroys human hope.

[Kaiser01]

Education and knowledge are the ultimate recovery tools.

[rachel15]

Yes Raoul, it does seem to be a cult-like - but one that is accepted in society and not recognised as being one by most people. I've been reading information on a link that London kindly gave me for a website truth-saves.com and I'm finding very helpful because it goes through inconsistencies in the bible really clearly. I'll put the link to this page and some others he gave me here in-case someone reading this thread wants it:

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/52823-need-support/page__st__140#entry795431

 

 

 

 

[Kaiser01]

You must always remember something though, after deconversion. Dont hold on to your anger, it will destroy you, believe me i know from experience what holding a grudge against Christianity will do to your mind.