ag_NO_stic Posted July 19, 2018 Share Posted July 19, 2018 So I'll spare you all my usual intro and cut to the chase: For the past six months, my entire life feels like a movie that should be called "Cognitive Dissonance: The Musical" or something....I sing a lot. I feel exactly how I did when I was first deconverting without the terror of hell, where I was having to sift through opinions I'd made based on god versus my OWN opinions and it hasn't really gone away. Because I'm a philosopher type, already prone to indecision, and I tend to be (at least try) fairly objective.This has led to some really fucking frustrating mental chatter! Allow me to elucidate: It has really hit me the past few months just how sure everyone is of their own view point. I was personally VERY confident, amidst my doubts, when I was a Christian that I had it right. My beliefs, assumptions, etc.....man was I just so right and boo on everyone else for not getting there yet. Now that I'm a year and a half further in my journey of deconverting....I have that same confidence sometimes, albeit tenuously less than I did originally. But I am ALSO aware of just how unsure I am all the time. I simultaneously don't give a fuck about anyone and give a fuck about all people. I simultaneously try to step forward with strong opinions and....feel very insecure in my own ability to even fucking think at all. Even when I was 5 I would wonder why the sky was blue and not another color or ask "why" a million times, but the past 6 months have been a "you think you know shit but you don't" kick in the 'nads. Is there a way to just not care about settling on any sort of opinion? If so, is a succinct way to communicate this to people? Is there a way to just....not give a fuck about issues? I'd love to not give a shit about politics or the meaning of life or what we as a society should or shouldn't do....I WANT to be the kind of person who loves to learn as opposed to "decide on an opinion," but I love the idea of persuasion and I don't know why. Not sure that I even want to persuade. If I sound crazy, it's because I feel this way. I'm not asking for advice on what to do, per se, I was just wondering if others have gone through this as they deconvert? I love to just think, I will spend hours wrestling with any given issue just for funzies. I question myself, others, motive, sources, "evidence," etc, I get frustrated at making up my mind because I can see objectively what at least one counter argument could be. I love the challenge, but it's also relatively meaningless since I acknowledge there isn't really a "right and wrong answer" So....does anyone else feel this way or am I nuts? Do you ever come to terms with longing to have an opinion and never settling on one? Find peace? *sigh* If uncertainty is a sign of intelligence, I'm a goddamn genius. If it's a sign of insanity, I'm a fucking nuts lol. 4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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