How did Christianity effect your sex life?

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I was going to put this in sex and Christianity, but it required a password, and I dont remember my password. 

 

Especially when entering puberty, sex for me was extremely confusing.   It didn't help that at 7 years of age I saw my older brother get a severe  beating for getting caught at sex play with a girl from church.  Even the word "sex" was never used in our house.  Until I was 14, the only knowledge I had about the subject was from my brother who was 6 years older, and also very confused about the subject.  He told me the Bible said it was a sin to masturbate, yet he taught me how to do it.  Fornication was a sin, but he and every boy I knew at that time, including church members, pursued it every chance they got.  And occasionally when the quilt got to them, they would "go forward" and ask for the prayers of the church, without explaining why.  They would simply say they had sinned.  But then a few days later would go back to "sinning".  No adult ever gave any kind of education on the subject, at home, at church, or school, except to say sex outside marriage was a sin.  And in general, if 2 kids had sex, the blame was put on the girl because she allowed it to happen.

 

Was my experience typical of what you experienced?  And how did it influence later life?

 

 

[DarkLordPhil]

I have a friend who began sleeping with a girl he knew, and church leadership pressured them to get married. They did. I haven't heard from him in a long while, but before he cut off contact, I heard rumblings that his wife might be abusing him and their child. The church's aversion to sex outside of marriage pushed my friend into a most-likely-abusive relationship, but the general consensus is that it all could have been avoided if they hadn't been sleeping together. The blame is completely misplaced, but no one seems inclined to shift it. 

 

As for me….well, you know that old joke about how "they're so deep in the closet, they're in Narnia"? That was me. I didn't even realize I was gay until my late twenties; until that point, I just thought there was something wrong with me because all of my "crushes" on guys in youth group were shallow, random, and dissipated once hand-holding entered the equation. And I thought for the longest time that every straight girl fantasizes about kissing her same-sex friends. But looking back, I think I finally understand why my parents always pushed me to stop associating with my closest female friends, and it wasn't just because they were unapologetically nerdy and unpopular. 

[Geezer]

Christianity’s teaching and beliefs about sex and human sexuality, IMO, is one of the most evil aspects of Christianity and other religions such as Islam & Mormonism. 

Religion, IMO, is the proximate cause for most of the worlds sexuality related bigotry. Homosexuality, gender issues, and misogyny have their roots firmly planted in religious teachings and beliefs.

Purity teaching, and its associated functions, for young Christian girls does untold damage to their sexual development and understanding of their body and sexual needs. Labeling masturbation as a sin for both boys and girls should be a crime because it caused so much psychological damage to young immature minds.

 

How many divorces are the result of the damaging and inaccurate teaching about sex couples were exposed to by their religions? The list of negative consequences that are the direct result of religious teaching and beliefs relating to sex and human sexuality would likely fill a small library. 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

It seems that trying to stop the sex drive is next to impossible, but many churches and parents dont see the obvious. The best we can do is teach our kids safe, responsible ways to channel it.   When I was at Harding College  (Church of Christ affiliated)  There was a joke among some students.  Instructors did not recommend mutual masturbation because It might get out of hand.  

 

But back to a serious note.  When I was a kid, I just wish some "responsible" grownup had told me that the sex drive was totally normal.  It was not from the devil.  The only ones who were saying that were what we considered the  sinners of the world.

 

And I can see how those who are gay, or bisexual, got a triple dose of quilt, resulting in depression, poor self esteem, and suicide.  

 

What has your experience been?

[Geezer]

1 hour ago, Weezer said:

It seems that trying to stop the sex drive is next to impossible, but many churches and parents dont see the obvious. The best we can do is teach our kids safe, responsible ways to channel it.   When I was at Harding College  (Church of Christ affiliated)  There was a joke among some students.  Instructors did not recommend mutual masturbation because It might get out of hand.  

 

But back to a serious note.  When I was a kid, I just wish some "responsible" grownup had told me that the sex drive was totally normal.  It was not from the devil.  The only ones who were saying that were what we considered the  sinners of the world.

 

And I can see how those who are gay, or bisexual, got a triple dose of quilt, resulting in depression, poor self esteem, and suicide.  

 

What has your experience been?

Now that is funny! 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I saved myself for marriage.  What a dumbass thing to do.

[Guest freedwoman]

It made me fear I was going to Hell because of my attraction to women. I felt guilty and repulsive after masturbating. I felt like a total disgusting slut for lusting after men. I hid behind a false feeling of homophobia to hide my attraction to women. It made me almost marry a Christian man to purge me of my homosexual desires. But I had to leave him because I would have ended up being one of those biblically battered brides I wrote about. I was ashamed for just having the desires almost every living creature has. I even considered female circumcision to prevent myself from masturbating and enjoying sex with a future husband. I didn't think women were allowed to enjoy sex. Just make the man babies. So yeah it messed me up. I've only had sex with one man my entire life and I'm in my 30s. I am not ashamed! 

[Geezer]

20 minutes ago, freedwoman said:

It made me fear I was going to Hell because of my attraction to women. I felt guilty and repulsive after masturbating. I felt like a total disgusting slut for lusting after men. I hid behind a false feeling of homophobia to hide my attraction to women. It made me almost marry a Christian man to purge me of my homosexual desires. But I had to leave him because I would have ended up being one of those biblically battered brides I wrote about. I was ashamed for just having the desires almost every living creature has. I even considered female circumcision to prevent myself from masturbating and enjoying sex with a future husband. I didn't think women were allowed to enjoy sex. Just make the man babies. So yeah it messed me up. I've only had sex with one man my entire life and I'm in my 30s. I am not ashamed! 

You and lots of other men and women, both straight and gay, have been totally messed up when it comes to being able to enjoy sex. Even married believers still feel guilty about their sexual desires and needs. Guilt about their bodies and nudity are also some of the repercussions of having been exposed to religious sexual indoctrination. 
 

Married women who won’t allow their husbands to see them naked, because they’re embarrassed and also because they think being naked in front of their spouse is a sin. I imagine having sex under the covers, lights out, missionary position only, isn’t uncommon in Christian marriages. And oral sex is simply out of the question.

 

It’s no wonder the Christian divorce rate hovers around 50%, even though divorce is a sin in the eyes of God. 

 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

3 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

I saved myself for marriage.  What a dumbass thing to do.

Hey! Give yourself credit for self discipline. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

2 hours ago, Geezer said:

 

It’s no wonder the Christian divorce rate hovers around 50%, even though divorce is a sin in the eyes of God. 

 

I don't know if it still is true, but years ago unwed pregnancies were higher in religious girls.

[Geezer]

Esther Perel and Dr. Lindsey Doe have some terrific sex education YouTube videos. I grew up in NW Indiana in the 60’s. My father was an atheists and my mother, believed in God, but wasn’t religious. That noted, religions influence was so strong I don’t remember ever hearing the word “sex” being spoken in our home. 

 

I learned about sex from other kids my age. The information was mostly incorrect. Porn consisted of “dirty” pictures. At that time Playboy and other “men’s” magazines didn’t show anything more than a woman’s breasts and butt. A woman’s vagina was a total mystery for boys my age. I was married before I knew what a clit was, where it was, and why it was important. 
 

I was in the Navy before I learned what going down on a woman was all about. My wife, a Baptist from birth, and I had been married for at least 5 years when she bought a book* called, “Everything you wanted to know about sex, but are afraid to ask.” Just reading it felt like were were doing something wrong.The book lead to our first experience with oral sex, and we both felt like we were sinning.

 

It took years for us to work through the belief that sex, even married sex, was in some way sinful if it was anything other than missionary, lights out, coverers pulled up. My wife is still not comfortable with nudity. All of this came from being a Christian Fundamentalists for 47 years. We somehow managed to have two children.

 

Esther Perel is from Belgium, I think. She sees sex education in America as pathetic. She indicates appropriate sex education begins around age 5 in Europe. I have no idea what sex education is like in our schools this day and age. I assume watching porn, on the internet, is where most people get their sexual education these days. 
 

I believe we have religion to thank for the lack of quality sex education in America.

[TABA]

22 minutes ago, Geezer said:

My wife, a Baptist from birth, and I had been married for at least 5 years when she bought a boy

 

I wouldn't admit to that, even here...

 

[buffettphan]

30 minutes ago, Geezer said:

Esther Perel and Dr. Lindsey Doe have some terrific sex education YouTube videos. I grew up in NW Indiana in the 60’s. My father was an atheists and my mother, believed in God, but wasn’t religious. That noted, religions influence was so strong I don’t remember ever hearing the word “sex” being spoken in our home. 

 

I learned about sex from other kids my age. The information was mostly incorrect. Porn consisted of “dirty” pictures. At that time Playboy and other “men’s” magazines didn’t show anything more than a woman’s breasts and butt. A woman’s vagina was a total mystery for boys my age. I was married before I knew what a clit was, where it was, and why it was important. 
 

I was in the Navy before I learned what going down on a woman was all about. My wife, a Baptist from birth, and I had been married for at least 5 years when she bought a book called, “Everything you wanted to know about sex, but are afraid to ask.” Just reading it felt like were were doing something wrong.The book lead to our first experience with oral sex, and we both felt like we were sinning.

 

It took years for us to work through the belief that sex, even married sex, was in some way sinful if it was anything other than missionary, lights out, coverers pulled up. My wife is still not comfortable with nudity. All of this came from being Christian Fundamentalists for 47 years. We somehow managed to have two children.

 

Esther Perel is from Belgium, I think. She sees sex education in America as pathetic. She indicates appropriate sex education begins around age 5 in Europe. I have no idea what sex education in like in our schools this day and age. I assume watching porn, on the internet, is where most people get their sexual education these days. 
 

I believe we have religion to thank for the lack of quality sex education in America.

 

5 minutes ago, TABA said:

I wouldn't admit to that, even here...

 

 

 

 

@Geezer --  * I fixed it for ya!    

[TheRedneckProfessor]

12 hours ago, Weezer said:

Hey! Give yourself credit for self discipline. 

Yeah.  Self control... well, I certainly never let things get out of hand. 

[Tsathoggua9]

Fascinating thread! No one ever had a "talk" with me. My dad died in an accident a few weeks after I was born, and I think that my mother was too embarrassed to say anything. I learned from books, instead.

 

I masturbated as often as I could, starting at around ten, I think, and never felt any guilt about it.

 

I am a paraphiliac, but I don't see how religion could have contributed to my odd fetishes.

[Geezer]

1 hour ago, TABA said:

I wouldn't admit to that, even here...

 

Did I forget to mention she has a kinky side too? Autocorrect does tend to make for some interesting post. 

[Geezer]

1 hour ago, buffettphan said:

 

 

 

 

@Geezer --  * I fixed it for ya!    

Thank you. My wife recently showed me a bunch of text messages, from the internet, that auto correct changed. We both laughed so hard we had tears running down our cheeks. One I remember. A mother text her adult daughter telling her she had lost her g spot, but later found it in the backseat of her car. I don’t remember what she intended to post but auto correct changed it to g spot.

[LostinParis]

As a teenager I hated the pressure put on me to to remain a virgin. So I threw my virginity away the first chance I got. Then came the guilt and shame.

 

I was told that modern society was obsessed with sex. During my deconversion I realised that in fact Christianity is obsessed with sex. So many rules... who you are allowed to do it with, when you’re allowed to do it, what kind of sex you’re allowed to have...

[TrueFreedom]

On 4/12/2020 at 5:44 PM, TheRedneckProfessor said:

I saved myself for marriage.  What a dumbass thing to do.

Me too! I was always a freak, but I saved myself for marriage. 23 years later, I got my first BJ, and then so. much. more. 

[BarnOwl]

Hearing these conversations is weird from my point of view. I was raised very fundamentalist Christian. When I say very, I mean that even kissing before engagement would be frowned upon, and was even encouraged to be left until the wedding day. Holding hands and hugging were things you could start when dating, but only side hugs until engagement!

 

For me, I decided it was easiest to just ignore the desire to have any relationship. This was also largely due to my decision to hide being gay. Thus, 24 years old now and I’ve never dated anyone. I’m just now starting to try to date, and I feel so lost sometimes, like I have no idea what I’m doing. Flirting is a super weird concept for me, lol.

 

Having only recently started my deconversion process, I’m just starting to figure out what boundaries make sense for me in any relationships I have. Having to do this without my religion or some authority figure telling me what’s right for me, is confusing. I’ve been trained to think that what I want is sinful.

 

I feel like because of that training, I don’t trust my own feelings now and I’m realizing how dangerous that is. By not trusting my feelings, it’s hard for me to determine what I’m comfortable with and what works for me in any relationship I’m in. Meaning I’m going to have to make mistakes along the way in my mid-twenties that other people made in the teenage years/early adulthood.
 

Thankfully the guy I’ve been chatting with recently had been really understanding of my situation and willing to be patient with me as I figure things out.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

@BarnOwl, be patient with yourself, also.  I entered a relationship during my deconversion process (Which lasted for 4 brutal years, from initial crisis of faith to acceptance of agnosticism).  I ended up marrying the girl; only to realise much later that I really had no idea what I wanted in a relationship, but she definitely wasn't it.  13 years and a kid later and we were embroiled in a most bitter divorce/custody battle.  Somehow, I went from saving myself for marriage to getting totally fucked; and not in a good way.

 

Give yourself all the time and space you need to figure things out.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking a relationship is going to make you happy.  Find your happiness first and bring it with you into the relationship.   With that said, I'd still advise rushing a marriage rather than marriage to a Russian.  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

1 hour ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

@BarnOwl

Give yourself all the time and space you need to figure things out.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking a relationship is going to make you happy.  Find your happiness first and bring it with you into the relationship. 

 

Excelent advise!

[DarkLordPhil]

I've only had relationships with guys, none of which worked out or went further than kissing and hand-holding. Didn't realize I was gay until a few years ago. Now here I am, 30 years old and living in an area with an LGBT community that's pretty small and insular, not to mention that it's mostly people 7-10 years my junior or 20-30 years my senior. I'm no good at flirting, either. Online dating was a no-go. So I've been trying to accept that I'll probably be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I'm okay with that, sometimes I'm not. 

 

I can't help but think that things would've been different if I hadn't been raised to think anything more than a peck on the cheek was a sin. Maybe I would have experimented more, gained more than the most rudimentary social skills. 

[DanForsman]

12 minutes ago, DarkLordPhil said:

I've only had relationships with guys, none of which worked out or went further than kissing and hand-holding. Didn't realize I was gay until a few years ago. Now here I am, 30 years old and living in an area with an LGBT community that's pretty small and insular, not to mention that it's mostly people 7-10 years my junior or 20-30 years my senior. I'm no good at flirting, either. Online dating was a no-go. So I've been trying to accept that I'll probably be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I'm okay with that, sometimes I'm not. 

 

I can't help but think that things would've been different if I hadn't been raised to think anything more than a peck on the cheek was a sin. Maybe I would have experimented more, gained more than the most rudimentary social skills. 

30 is still very young. If you think you would like to have sexual experiences with others I'm sure you can find a way to make that happen. I think a few therapy sessions could possibly help you allow yourself to move on to new and potentially exciting adventures if you decide you want to go in that direction. Good luck and take care of yourself; you have a long road ahead.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

1 hour ago, DarkLordPhil said:

 

 So I've been trying to accept that I'll probably be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I'm okay with that, sometimes I'm not. 

 

I've known several people who didn't get a mate until later in life. Go about your life, just be yourself, and don't isolate yourself,  and it may happen.  If you are not trying to "make" it happen, the chances of it being a successful relationship is much greater.