To Procreate Or Not To Procreate

[RankStranger]

I'm posing a simple question to my fellow Exchristians: Should my wife and I have kids? Or not?

 

I'm just curious to hear your varied opinions on the matter.

 

My wife and I have been together for about 12 years. Neither of us immediately wanted kids, and it's an issue that we've always just put off until later. We first moved in together at age 23, and we used to say that maybe we'd have kids when we were 30. Well 30 came and went. So then we said 35. Well 35 is here and now, and the question is still up in the air.

 

We're finally at a point in our lives where we're both on a pretty good career path, and we have SOME measure of financial stability. We're vastly better than your average 18-year-olds who often pop out kids. But we're getting older... and if this thing is gonna happen, it will have to be fairly soon.

 

My wife has been nominally against having kids most of the time, but she doesn't feel THAT strongly about it. At times she says she would like for us to have a kid- more often she just wants puppies. Myself, I used to be nominally in favor of having kids- but the decision was always so far away that I had never considered it THAT seriously. Now that the decision is more immediate, I'm just not sure if it's what I want. Our situation is kinda odd in that I think if either of us decided that we definitely wanted kids- the other would gladly go along with it. But neither of us is sure that we do.

 

Now my wife and I both like kids. She works with them pretty often as a psychologist. I'm rarely around them. On one hand, it would be awesome to have a miniature version of her around, to attempt to do a better job than our parents did (though I'm pretty sure we'd fail), to carry on the species, have birthdays, christmases, camping trips, and all that shit. Kids seem to give people a sense of purpose and hope for the future that I just don't have.

 

On the other hand, this is a HUGE commitment. And I'm not sure that one 'should' have kids unless they REALLY want them. I would have no choice but to morph into super-dad, to swallow my pride and do what's best for the kid regardless of what that means for me or anybody else. And I've been around parents- they are fucking insane. I'm not being facetious here- it's been my experience that when offspring are involved, parents are completely incapable of being rational. I doubt I'd be any different. AND let's not forget the fact that my wife and I were both wierd as kids- and miserable/suicidal as teenagers. This world is a fucked up place- do I really want to inflict that on another kid? MY kid?

 

I don't know if it's ego, biological drive, or what- but making a conscious decision to NOT have kids, particularly when we could should we decide to... it feels like suicide. It feels like I'm just saying 'fuck the world' and giving up. And maybe I am- I'm not necessarily against that. I'm just not sure that that's what I want to do.

 

I don't expect ya'll to solve this dilemma for me or anything, but I would be interested to know what any/all of you think about this (including you, BO). Whether you have kids or not- and particularly if you're old enough to have reflected on that decision- I'd like to know what you think about it.

[Guest wester]

Me, I scare the living crap out of women, plus I am totally opposed to consumerist materialism and modern industrial society in every shape and form, i am not interested at all in making a lot of cash - i hate driving cars and flying in airpanes - the whole process is an obscenity, the american dream is worse than a lie to me, it is a total horror story. Thus chicks tend to avoid me like the plague. My veg head diet does in the rest of anyone who even usually wants to talk with me as the table conversation invariably turns to factory farming.

 

OK - so maybe in a different world I would have wanted kids, but unless a hell of a lot changes, the abusive patterns and redneck pathology of my family dies with me.

 

Cheers

[blackpudd1n]

Hey man, I can't vote because I can't answer the last question, and it wants me to answer each in order to vote. You mind putting in a couple of N/A's?

[RankStranger]

Hey man, I can't vote because I can't answer the last question, and it wants me to answer each in order to vote. You mind putting in a couple of N/A's?

 

Oddly enough, I managed to fix that.

 

This poll interface frightens and confuses me.

[blackpudd1n]

I had my tubes done aged 24 because by then I'd been diagnosed with bipolar and I had more reasons NOT to have children than to have children.

 

But even before then, I'd always been very practically minded regarding children, going back to when I was a teenager. The way I saw it, if I could not be certain that I could raise a child by myself, then I had no business having children. I'm not being pessimistic about relationships here, either, just very pragmatic. The fact is, your partner could be hit by a bus tomorrow. If I couldn't be sure within myself that I could do it, then I didn't feel it was right to pop out a kid with no forethought and just hope for the best.

 

Personally, I think society puts child bearing on too high a pedestal. Just because I don't want kids doesn't mean that I don't have maternal instincts; I just express them in other ways, like spoiling the shit out of my cats.

 

Someone once said to me, "some are mothers, others are aunts." And I am most definitely an aunt. I love being an aunt- I collect nieces and nephews, I don't give a fuck if they're blood related or not. All kids need an aunt in their lives for extra love and spoiling

[blackpudd1n]

Hey man, I can't vote because I can't answer the last question, and it wants me to answer each in order to vote. You mind putting in a couple of N/A's?

 

Oddly enough, I managed to fix that.

 

This poll interface frightens and confuses me.

 

Yep, it's fixed. You're brave to even go there- I don't have the courage!

[Kurari]

You're going to need to edit that last question because there is no n/a option for those of us who don't have kids.

 

If you'll forgive my bluntness...but you've really listed all the WORST possible reasons to be having a child.

 

Your child won't be a miniature version of either of you. They are going to be their own person. It may well end up being that you don't like them very much and vice versa. It's also not your child's job to redeem you of their grandparents mistakes, give you a purpose, make you more responsible, or give you Kodak moments...which you will have about 10% of the time, and the other 90% is going to be wishing you could shove them back up your wife's vagina and forget the whole thing and go back to life as you knew it.

 

You probably won't be superdad. You're going to make mistakes and find yourself sounding like your own parents more often than you'd like. You're going to be taxed emotionally, physically, and mentally by something that acts like a very short schizophrenic that is massively loud and destructive. You're probably going to be another exhausted parent spending all your energy trying to keep your child clean, fed, alive, and QUIET.

 

You're going to be spending a lot of time going, "How did s/he DO that?! I didn't even know that was possible!"

 

Our species will also be quite fine if you don't at over 7 Billion and growing.

 

Mostly I'm a little concerned that you are not expressing desire to have children, but more like you are trying to prove something to yourself.

 

I will say this much...the intimate bond between parent and child is one of the most intimate you will ever know. There is a reason parents always emphatically mention "I love my kids, I do!" whenever they complain about them. It's true, you really do love the little buggers to bits.

 

If you do decide to have children, do it with an open heart with whoever comes to you. They might be gay or transexual, republican or democrat, a loafer or an overachiever, love or hate sports, love all the things you do or be totally uninterested in anything you like, or whatever. If you are cool with all of that, then you'd probably be a really good candidate for being a parent.

 

 

Personally, I am childfree. I've learned a LOT about what it takes to be a parent after I fostered a child from newborn to age 3. I know exactly what it takes to be a parent, and exactly why I don't want to do it. You don't have to do the rote in life...and interestingly, a lot of people never consider that NOT having children is a totally viable and life-fulfilling option.

 

But whatever you decide, I wish only the best for you and your family.

[BrotherJosh]

I don't have kids nor do I want them. You, Rank, on the other hand are able to freely choose whether you do or not. I personally don't want kids. If you do, congrats! If not, well enjoy a life free to do anything you want.

[RankStranger]

Thanks for all the comments so far.

 

Kurari- my reasons for considering having kids may well be some pretty sorry reasons. My perspective is pretty limited here as it's been quite a long time since I was a kid, and I'm not around them much these days. I did borrow my wife's friend's kid a while back- took him fishing and to the air & space museum, and we had a great time. But that's more uncle-experience than dad-experience.

 

What would you consider 'good' reasons for wanting to have kids?

 

 

BrotherJosh- if you don't mind me being a little nosy... why do you not want kids?

[BrotherJosh]

BrotherJosh- if you don't mind me being a little nosy... why do you not want kids?

 

No worries! When I was 14 my parents had an unexpected child, a daughter, late in their lives. I had been an only child growing up my whole life, and I grew up in the country which meant I was used to entertaining myself when the neighbor kids were unavailable. Without diving too much into my family, the parental situation sucked. Which meant I basically raised my little sister on my own. She's older now, and we have a good relationship. But that did turn me off from having children. So, my feelings are based on my own personal reasons. In the grander scheme of things there are a lot of people on this planet. But I am torn in some respects. It seems the worst of our species (not to sound like an asshole) seem to procreate at a much faster rate than the best of our species. See the Duggars for example. You seem like a smart guy, and I'm sure your wife is too, so maybe you need to get some good genetics flowing in our gene pool

[SilentLoner]

I have to agree that your reasons for wanting to have a kid have me shaking my head. I've been there myself - thinking it would be interesting to see what my offspring would be like, but I know that's just a passing interest and I'm not a maternal person. Don't have good genes to pass on either.

[LivingLife]

Rank, the decision is a personal one and all I can say is that I am not sorry we had kids. My first was at age 31 and my second at 34 so your age (male wise) is about correct, not sure how old your wife is but after 30 it becomes progressively more difficult to conceive and we males tend to slow down making so many swimmers post 35.

 

You have had a good life as a married couple w/o kids and are probably financially stable.

 

Kids at you age and situation, well there is less trauma than the kids still growing up having kids. It is kind of a decision you "have" to make soon as we do not get redos in this life. Kids change the dynamic of your home and I really cannot imagine my life w/o them. Having kids at you age also tends to keep you young as you probably will be doing the school shit with parents much younger than you - mileage may vary.

 

Also I believe having just one tends to make for a lonely child. We initially wanted 4 but after two we decided that is enough.

[JadedAtheist]

Having children is inherently selfish. People do it to make themselves feel good. I doubt many people consider the destiny of the human race as their deciding factor in having children. So, while having kids is selfish it's not necessarily "bad" if you are capable of looking after them and be willing to be selfless. I too sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a kid, but never more than a passing fancy. I am terrible with children, and I possess none of the character traits one should have in a parent.

[London]

Just my take on this question.

 

I think people who want to raise a healthy individual should have kids. If you see yourself wanting to spend lots of time interacting, giving attention, educating, becoming a great friend and parent to your child, you should have kids. Realizing that every day will not be a trip to Disney land. You will lose sleep (for the first 3 years), your life as you know it right now will end until your kid matures enough. You will spend a lot of time worrying over colds, flu, tummy aches, scrapes, cuts, etc. You will be cleaning up poop, vomit, spit, snot, drool, smashed peas! You will be responsible for every broken window, fist fight, stolen bicycle and fire in the neighbors shed. There will be homework to help with, the argument over brushing teeth, going to bed early and having too much sugar. Sugar is the worst. The cussing, backtalking and staying out past curfew. Not to mention the smoking and drinking.

 

Then you have the joy of watching a tiny little human being learn and grow up. Watching a little mind realize that the finger they see is theirs, and they can move that finger with their mind. Watching an immoble baby finally have the strength and cognition to hold themselves up on their elbows and then the whole arm. To see the excitement when crawling becomes a race. The hysterical wobble of trying to walk, and the beautiful laughter of success when they are able to take 3 steps alone. Learning who this little person is and how they think is so interesting. Finally words happen and you get to speak at each other. Over time an actual conversation occurs, but not until you realize that this little person does not know what the meaning of the words you use. Teaching language and definition happens daily. You get to watch this person grow.

 

I don't have kids. I am the oldest of all the children in my immediate and extended family. I have always been around children. I used to babysit, I worked in a job where children were part of the clientele. I have friends who have kids.

 

I have experienced the joy of having children without all the responsibility.

 

My point is, and I say this to everyone, if you are really passionate about raising a healthy human, and you realize that it is a lot of work, and some days it will drive you nuts, but you are willing to do anything to make sure that child knows it's loved... then have children, because the world needs more parents like that.

 

If you are not sure, or you just want your DNA to continue on or you expect someone else to do most of the work, don't have kids. Too many people grew up in situations where they were not a planned pregnancy. And more often than not, the child never gets the loving parenting they deserved.

 

Having children is a truly personal decision. That's why I always rail against society for "expecting" people to have kids. It's a huge responsibility and no one should be expected or pressured into it. I have known some great parents and I have watched children being carted away forever by CPS. I have known 2 people in my life who continued to have one child after the next only to lose them to the state forever. So my view on parenting is highly critical. No judgement on you or anyone else here, just relaying where I am coming from.

 

The decision to have children can be answered by the question "Why do you want to have kids", the answer really directs your intention.

 

I realize this is a long post, but I am quite passionate about people having children and pets for the wrong reasons. Children and pets require and deserve all the attention and love you can throw at them. They can't raise themselves and they depend on another human being to exist.

 

Just my .25 cents.

[London]

That's the most beautiful thing I've read on that subject, London!

 

I want my DNA to be passed on, along with all those other things you wrote about. It has helped me grow as a human being.

 

Thanks TO for your kind words.

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

I don't have any., I want them someday, just not someday soon.

[Adam5]

Hi Rank, we are a child free couple in our 40s. Its a personal decision. These days people are free to chose the family lifestyle that works for them. Cheers, Adam

[Blue elephant]

Hey Rank

 

I think you think too much! Life will be different for a while (eg you tend to slow down and stay home more) but you also come out the other side of the experience with young adults who deeply love and respect you.

 

I have two daughters aged 22 and 18. There were some worrying moments in the teen years but they have returned to what they were taught - kind people that care about the earth, other people and pussy cats!

[buffettphan]

I have two kids who are now in their low 30's. Wanted them, planned them, glad we had them.

 

Now if I had answered this question when they were 14-17 years old, I'd say "Stick with puppies!"

 

Seriously though, it is strictly a personal choice. Either way you decide, has to be right for you and your wife -- regardless of what anyone else says or wants.

[RankStranger]

One thing I forgot to mention is this: I'm afraid that I'll end up a lonely old man, wishing I had some kids around. Then again, I look at my own parents- and their parents... kids often don't stick around anyway. And even when they do, they're not necessarily a 'joy' to have around. I certainly didn't stick around, and neither did my brothers for the most part.

 

As for 'passing on my genes'- I feel no particular need to do that. First of all, my genes aren't anything to brag about. Secondly, they're all over the SouthEastern and MidWestern U.S. anyway, spread among thousands of my fellow rednecks. And thirdly, I have no duty to biology- biology can suck my dick.

[Suzy]

I'm 35, I don't have kids and I don't want to have any.

 

I never had the desire to get married and have kids. Actually, if I think back, even as a small child I did not like the idea of getting married, having kids. I was like: "Why do I HAVE to do that?". By now, I know I don't have to, fortunately.

 

Why? I think that instinct of wanting kids is just missing from me. Also I like to be independend as much as I can. When you get married and have kids that's a lot of dependency.

 

Also, maybe I'm jaded, but I think while you have flashes of happiness in life, for the bigger part it's a struggle. For most people, anyway. So I don't have the desire to carry that on and pass that on.

[London]

One thing I forgot to mention is this: I'm afraid that I'll end up a lonely old man,

 

That will only happen if you let it. Having a great marriage, true friends and actually enjoying life is the Rx against your fear.

[stryper]

Have kids don't have kids. It's a choice and that is what we are here to do.

 

Choose or don't. Just keep in mind that the practicing is fun.

[mcdaddy]

Just do it already!

[mcdaddy]

My serious answer is: do you want higher highs, and lower lows? Then have kids. If you want things more even keel, then dont.