openpalm45 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear that, OP. The guilt, fear, and entitlement of that paradigm is really messed up. Unfortunately, this type of child/parent relationship is not unique to Christianity, but people find ways to reinforce it with scripture. Yeah, my dad did use scripture to manipulate me. He also said that he was my spiritual covering, as my father, to get me to do what he wanted, among many other manipulations. :/ I dont have much of a relationship with him anymore. We need time to recover from stressful situations. I rarely caught my breath as a Christian. Too much was always too wrong, either in "the world" or in my "belief system." I definitely know what that is like. Im glad you are doing better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Valk0010 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Would be hard to say since my natural inclinations are towards being depressed. But ocd about religion defintely helped to ruin my childhood. And that few months of me trying to be a real die hard evangelical, probably helped put me in the state to realize it was bullshit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Habiba Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I suppose I began with an innocent sense of meh as I knew no different, but being treated like a leper from the outset by the wonderful folks at church put a damper on enjoying any of the social side of things. As a child I lived in terror of loved ones either being whisked off into the stratosphere or barbecued below ground somewhere. As I got older I began to resent both the amount of time God related stuff took up and the ever increasing restrictions. I knew I was becoming increasingly "wordly" and grappled with no end of guilty feelings. I worried that I had never heard god's voice or had prayers answered. In the end I felt I was falling so hopelessly short there was no point in trying or caring any more. The subsequent years of doubts and slow deconversion while being dragged to every possible church service made for extremely miserable years of my life. If I was to look for any "happiness" I suppose I felt genuine happiness on the night of my baptism, and just a brainwashed child I was ecstatic to be doing "god's will". In a more general sense the overall belief system gave me some security - for example I would mentally debunk claims of dying as an asteroid hit earth, or in a nuclear war, as I had been taught that I would have been raptured by then. Overall though it was a damn miserable business waded through with a pinned on smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeCycle Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I was always beating myself up. Was always trying to be something I wasn't... I was a child without an identity. And that was just the youthful part of my Christian walk. The adult part of my life wasn't as bad because I just became numb to it all and didn't give a fuck anymore. I was still a believer but fuck trying to be perfect. It only lead me to anger and bitterness and God was just going to have to accept me because I blamed him for a lot of it. After all, he's all-powerful and I was forced into circumstances that shaped me into who I was. I had no control over those circumstances... But apparently God did and he didn't do ONE GOD DAMN THING to help out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
★ Citsonga ★ Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I'm not generally an excitable person, but I was content as a Christian. I only became miserable when I started seeing that the worldview I had held dearly for many years is full of holes. I went through a depressing deconversion, but I'm mostly content now in my disbelief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefflives Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I was not brought up in the church, so when I became a Christian, I was excited and felt like nothing could bring me down. Within a couple of years, I was part of the youth leadership in my church and aiming to be a pastor. However, I realized that the deeper I got, the more my self-esteem eroded. My insecurities were amplified -- a problem my closest Christian cohorts told me was Satan trying to keep me from going into the ministry. I dove deeper, begging God for strength to do what I felt he was calling me to do. Begging for strengh to serve him... what kind of servant has to beg for this? Everything I did, I overanalyzed, because I must have been doing something to piss off God. He was silent on the issue, so... Silent treatment? Ugh. This became the most painful time of my life. Free at last, free at last, blanked god almighty, now I'm free at last! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 For most of my adult life I believed there might be a demon in my living room . . . watching me. Or in my bedroom watching me while I slept. I would say prayers of protection but how could I know a demon couldn't read my thoughts? Or what if some of my thoughts were not mine but planted in my mind by the demon. Thanks a lot, Christian indoctrination. There is no such thing as demons. Only after leaving belief did I get to see what it was like to not be miserable. The funny part is that when I told my mother about how much progress I have made in the short time since becoming an atheist she attributed it to all the years she prayed for me. Too funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Religion itself was "meh", religious people made me miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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