Advice?

[ag_NO_stic]

So. I just received a facebook message (so she can see that I've read it) that says, "

 

"Hey Jessica!! I hope you are well and loving life. So this may feel super random, but I thought of you! I’m currently preparing to do ministry with missionary kids (MKs) all over the world. The reason I want to reach out is because I’m praying for a team of people who will partner with me in this ministry whether in prayer or finances, and if you’d be open to it, I would LOVE to invite you into that!!! 

We could set up a FaceTime or something sometime soon and I can share more about what I’ll be doing with MKs and what it can look like to partner with me. Let me know what you think and we can set up a time to reconnect!!"

 

......I read it, was floored by how fucking disingenuous it was and really don't know what to say. (we weren't really friends in college, just past acquaintances really.) It's a personal value of mine to treat people with kindness and basic decency, I responded and said "I'm at work, I'll respond soon!" so that I could give myself time to think about how to respond. I am not afraid to discuss with her my "different direction" faith wise, but it's just none of her goddamn business. I am so ticked because I don't want to have to put my business out there for judgment any more than I've already had to. It's such bullshit, we haven't talked in probably 5 years at least, we weren't friends but it would violate my moral standard to just ignore her, I don't do that. Should I blame it on finances? That's true, money is really effing tight for me right now! But....I don't want to have to respond to the inevitable "That's FINE, you can just pray for me!" thing. Is that dread just because I'm still a young deconvert? If it were 5 years later, would I just be like "ok, great" and move on? 

 

I hate that I've been put in this situation against my will lol.

[Jeff]

Just keep it on messenger and dont let it get to facetime or direct conversation. 

 

Make her type it and hopefully she will give up OR you can just ask her to not use messenger for business solicitations and give her your email of choice to send her business case. 

 

Seriously

[disillusioned]

Jess, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

You said she was never really a friend,  and isn't really a part of your life.  In that case,  if it were me,  I'd probably just reply something along the lines of "Thanks for thinking of me,  but I'm really not interested." If she wants to know why,  then it's your call how much you want to share.

 

I'm definitely with Jeff,  though,  about keeping it in writing. Many things are easier to handle if there's some time between responses.

[ToHellWithMe]

Well, it's not like you owe her the truth or even a solid reason. Just treat her as target practice.

[freshstart]

On the other hand, why not be concise and honest? I look forward to the day when I can say (if asked), "Im sorry, but I no longer support relgious missions. Secular, yes. Religious, no. Best of luck to you."

If that prompts the question as to why, then maybe another concise answer: "because I'm no longer a Christian." And if that doesn't end the discussion (and I wish it to end), I'll  politely reply that I really don't wish to discuss it any further, and refer them to this website (or other resources) for more info about how it is possible for a Christian to become an ex-Christian. I just think it would be nice if more ex-Cs came out of the woodwork.

This little light o' mine . . . I'm gonna let it shine . . .

[TruthSeeker0]

I would keep it in writing as suggested above. You really don't owe her any explanations either for your choices. If you don't want to go there, don't. I would do the same as @disillusioned mentioned. And if she wants to inquire why you're not interested, you could tell her straight out that you're not giving any further explanation. 

[ag_NO_stic]

god DAMN I wish I had the guts. I just care so much what others think, even if I don't care much about those people! 

[Eowynesque]

You're not alone in caring too much about what people think. I would just say I'm not interested. This reminds me of those obnoxious MLM PMs...Exciting opportunity for you to give me your money! To which I also say "not interested"

[florduh]

"No thanks, but good luck!"

[sdelsolray]

Jessica,

 

Many folks feel a need to donate time or money to worthy causes and actually do so.  The amount of time and funds I expend is not very large, but I've done it for decades.  When some new person or organization asks for help I usually say that I am already giving to certain secular groups and politely refuse.

 

If you are already donating time or funds to worthy causes, you have an easy and honest way to refuse your former acquaintance.  If you aren't doing that, and you would like to donate, then perhaps you could find some time or funds to do so in the near future.

 

 

 

[midniterider]

3 hours ago, ag_NO_stic said:

So. I just received a facebook message (so she can see that I've read it) that says, "

 

"Hey Jessica!! I hope you are well and loving life. So this may feel super random, but I thought of you! I’m currently preparing to do ministry with missionary kids (MKs) all over the world. The reason I want to reach out is because I’m praying for a team of people who will partner with me in this ministry whether in prayer or finances, and if you’d be open to it, I would LOVE to invite you into that!!! 

We could set up a FaceTime or something sometime soon and I can share more about what I’ll be doing with MKs and what it can look like to partner with me. Let me know what you think and we can set up a time to reconnect!!"

 

......I read it, was floored by how fucking disingenuous it was and really don't know what to say. (we weren't really friends in college, just past acquaintances really.) It's a personal value of mine to treat people with kindness and basic decency, I responded and said "I'm at work, I'll respond soon!" so that I could give myself time to think about how to respond. I am not afraid to discuss with her my "different direction" faith wise, but it's just none of her goddamn business. I am so ticked because I don't want to have to put my business out there for judgment any more than I've already had to. It's such bullshit, we haven't talked in probably 5 years at least, we weren't friends but it would violate my moral standard to just ignore her, I don't do that. Should I blame it on finances? That's true, money is really effing tight for me right now! But....I don't want to have to respond to the inevitable "That's FINE, you can just pray for me!" thing. Is that dread just because I'm still a young deconvert? If it were 5 years later, would I just be like "ok, great" and move on? 

 

I hate that I've been put in this situation against my will lol.

 

She's being a shit asking you for money.

You have to be nice, why? Right, you dont' owe this person any nice nice. You don't owe this person any information about yourself. You do not owe this person a response. 

 

But ...

 

Sample reply 1: "Dear Goofball, I wish you well in your ministry! I'd send you money if I had some. Let's both pray that Jesus brings you the finances that you need! Whatever you pray for in his mighty name will be done and he will most certainly bring you more money for this ministry than little ole me could ever muster up. Hurray for Jesus!" 

 

Sample reply 2: "Dear Goofball, I was just about to ask you for $1000 to pay for [make up some BS]." Let's both pray ...yadda yadda.

 

Sample reply 3: "I'm on house arrest right now but as soon as I'm done I'd like to help you teach the kids. I may not be able to leave the state though."

 

 

,

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,

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Sample reply 4: "Fuck off." 

[midniterider]

1 hour ago, ag_NO_stic said:

god DAMN I wish I had the guts. I just care so much what others think, even if I don't care much about those people! 

 

I have been a people pleaser in the past...less so now. 

 

Might be best to just ignore her altogether. 

[TruthSeeker0]

38 minutes ago, midniterider said:

 

I have been a people pleaser in the past...less so now. 

 

Might be best to just ignore her altogether. 

I too was a complete people pleaser, I expended way too much energy caring. Now, I just give an internal shrug and ignore them. I had a much harder time with it before, but it was one of the things I brought up with my therapist because I felt like I was being a jerk ignoring people.  The way I see it now, it's just setting appropriate boundaries in place. Tbh, I don't care if I lose relationships with religious people, it simplifies my life.

[Margee]

12 hours ago, ag_NO_stic said:

god DAMN I wish I had the guts. I just care so much what others think, even if I don't care much about those people! 

Ag....                         Throughout my whole life, I have had hundreds of times when my "people pleasing niceness" has backfired on me and they didn't  like me anyway, for one reason or another.  I was always petrified of rejection. When you get rid of that fear, you will be able to be who you really are and still be nice but not give a fuck if they like you back or not. Write her and say hi and thanks for thinking of  me but I'm  just not interested. Do it once honey and let your freedom begin!! Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes. *(hug)

[RealityCheck]

This used to be a recurring theme with Christian acquaintances in my life.  Certain individuals would ignore me (even though we participated in small groups together) unless they wanted something.  One day I got tired of it and went nuclear.  I asked why they never stepped up while I experienced financial difficulties and brought it up in prayer meetings.  I asked why they had the audacity to ask for my financial support when it came to their poverty tourism (also known as mission trips).  Either way @ag_NO_stic, you don't owe this person a second of your time or thought processes.  You need to make it clear to this person that boundaries are being crossed.

[ag_NO_stic]

Thanks, everyone, I seriously appreciate the feedback. Right now, I'm being a lil chicken shit and I'm gonna pretend that I forgot to get back with her. If she doesn't realize that the good lord has not provided ME to be her prayer / money "partner" by my lack of response, I will employ the advice given by not behaving as though I owe her anything and just keeping it polite/ vague.  It will be something along the lines of "Not at this time, but good luck" while secretly saying "FUCK OFF" in my mind.

[ToHellWithMe]

There's something pitiful and endearing about innocent, self-centered neediness, but when it's a grown adult doing it, it's annoying. It's not even innocent because she's making it sound like she's asking it for the children, definitely not herself. The next level would be to make the kids do the fundraising, door-to-door or something. Then you'd have to refuse the kids themselves and face their disappointment, lol.

[MOHO]

@ag_NO_stic,

 

I was absolutely petrified the first time I had to confront a fundy over this kind of manipulation. But, you know what? Not only does it get soooo much easier after the first time but there is such peace and relief afterwards. I almost wish I were in your position so I could experience that relief and pleasure all over again. 

[ag_NO_stic]

26 minutes ago, MOHO said:

@ag_NO_stic,

 

I was absolutely petrified the first time I had to confront a fundy over this kind of manipulation. But, you know what? Not only does it get soooo much easier after the first time but there is such peace and relief afterwards. I almost wish I were in your position so I could experience that relief and pleasure all over again. 

 

So what did you say?

[MOHO]

19 minutes ago, ag_NO_stic said:

 

So what did you say?

 

It was in a small cafe' downtown and, noticing I had not been in attendance at the local fundyfest for some weeks, my friend dove right in with the "get this guy back in the fold" diatribe. 

 

"I am no longer a Christian and I am not interested in what you are saying." Said Moho in a friendly but firm manor.

 

"If you have 1/2 hour I can PROVE to you the xianity is the truth." Beaming with pride he was as my friend said this.

 

"By referencing recent books I have read by Hitchens, Dawkins, Carrier, I can, in that space of time, prove to you that xianity is a pack of lies."  Still in a firm but pleasant tone.

 

We have not spent that 0.5 hours yet and I kinda doubt that we will as the truly indoctrinated are afraid to have that convo. 

 

I now this is not the same situation that you are facing but, given that you have told your former friend/colleague that you are no longer a believer (from what I have gathered),  and she still has the gaul to ask you for a check , you are well within the constraints of well-adjustedness to state, emphatically...

 

                             "You KNOW I'm not a believe and you STILL have the huevos to ask for a hand-out?!"

 

However, If she does not know of your lack of faith and is just an acquaintance,  then you have a real opportunity...

 

                              "You barely know me and you are asking for a check and/or involvement. They really have you by the fear-induced doctrine haven't they? Just like the Hare Krishnas of the 70's, ey?"

 

[ag_NO_stic]

Okay, I said "Oops! I meant to respond yesterday, time got away from me. l appreciate you thinking of me, I'm actually already partnered with Compassion at the moment. This year has been a bit of a nightmare for me financially and I'm also not quite where I used to be faith wise, so I'm probably not the best candidate. I hope you understand, I hope you're doing well, and best of luck!"

 

She responded and was totally cool about it. Thanks (again) to everyone for the feedback and advice, I'll have the nuts to say "fuck off" eventually lol. I'm still proud of myself for saying no!!

[MOHO]

56 minutes ago, ag_NO_stic said:

I'll have the nuts to say "fuck off" eventually lol. I'm still proud of myself for saying no!!

 

You GO, Girl! 

 

Ag_No >>  << Fundy

[TABA]

1 hour ago, ag_NO_stic said:

Okay, I said "Oops! I meant to respond yesterday, time got away from me. l appreciate you thinking of me, I'm actually already partnered with Compassion at the moment. This year has been a bit of a nightmare for me financially and I'm also not quite where I used to be faith wise, so I'm probably not the best candidate. I hope you understand, I hope you're doing well, and best of luck!"

 

She responded and was totally cool about it. Thanks (again) to everyone for the feedback and advice, I'll have the nuts to say "fuck off" eventually lol. I'm still proud of myself for saying no!!

 

I think you did very well!  I’m Irish, and they say that being Irish means you can tell somebody to Go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip... It’s a good skill to cultivate, if you’re not lucky enough to be Irish.  Good job!

[ag_NO_stic]

46 minutes ago, ThereAndBackAgain said:

 

I think you did very well!  I’m Irish, and they say that being Irish means you can tell somebody to Go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip... It’s a good skill to cultivate, if you’re not lucky enough to be Irish.  Good job!

 

My mom's a ginger, it's in my blooood! >:D

[TruthSeeker0]

1 hour ago, ThereAndBackAgain said:

 

I think you did very well!  I’m Irish, and they say that being Irish means you can tell somebody to Go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip... It’s a good skill to cultivate, if you’re not lucky enough to be Irish.  Good job!

Ahahaha. I'm certainly not Irish, but Scandinavian. And we are for the most part pretty straight forward people who tell you like it is, at least I am. But this makes me wish I had a bit o' the Irish in me.