Coming Back to Sanity Again

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Before I get started with explaining my situation, I first want to thank @LogicalFallacy, @TruthSeeker0, and @disillusioned for helping me out in the ex-C Discord the other day. I was going through a very rough time and your advice and encouraging words helped me to get through it, when I had already begun to think that there was no way that I could.

 

As you guys know, I have been struggling with major mental health issues for a while, such as severe depression that included suicidal thoughts and feeling like I was worthless and without hope. I also had to deal with the feeling of being angry, all the time. It was like it never went away, even when I tried to distract myself from it. It has led to me experiencing intense moments of rage, which resulted in me lashing out at people, both at work and in my personal life, and I am on the verge of losing my job over it. I even had to be hospitalized last year for this and I was getting dangerously close to having to go there again, before I decided to come back here.

 

The biggest factors at play here have been stress at work, being surrounded with toxic people and not knowing how to get away from them, losing my mom two years ago, and other personal issues that I have struggled with my whole life that made everything else worse. As a coping mechanism, I went back to religion, but not Christianity. I still knew deep down that the old religion is harmful and just plain wrong, so instead, I ended up worshiping the imaginary devil known as Satan. For a while, I had managed to convince myself that it was all real and could feel what I thought were demons trying to possess me. Now that I have come back to reality, I realize that none of it was real. I don’t feel like I saw or heard anything out of the ordinary, so I don’t think I was hallucinating, but I experienced physical sensations that made me think it was happening, similar to how Christians think the holy spirit does things to them when they are at church.

It also made things worse that I sought help from religious-minded individuals who tried to push their religion and crazy conspiracy theories on me, because at my worse moments, I was vulnerable enough that those things were able to stick and make me paranoid. It likely would not have gotten so bad, if I would have come back here a lot sooner, to get a nice, big dose of logic. Trying to bottle it all up and deal with it on my own was the worst thing I could have done, but that is what happened.

 

Now, after having said all of that, I do want you all to know that I am doing a lot better than I was the other day, when I ranted about all of this in the Discord server. I am seeing a very good therapist, who I first started seeing after all of the devil-worship BS happened, to help me sort through all of the underlying issues that I have been dealing with. Unfortunately, any progress I made with her help was slowed down drastically by not getting rid of the stupid people around me, who were putting so much stress on me in the first place. I finally got to the breaking point where I was sure everything was going to fall apart, but somehow, I came back from it and found myself back here again.

 

I still haven’t yet found a medication that works yet and I have seen two psychiatrists, but they haven’t diagnosed me with anything, so I feel a little lost there. It feels like they just want to throw pills at my problems, to make them go away, but I haven’t had any success with them. The only thing that has really helped in this case, is smoking weed when I need to (Marijuana is legal where I live now, praise the Lard!).

 

On the plus side, I am through with trying to please everyone. I know I can’t do this because it is impossible and I’m going to start cutting people out of my life. It won’t be too hard to burn those bridges when they are already weak and on the verge of falling apart anyway. Even though I had felt the need to debunk all of the conspiracy theory BS, I don’t see any reason to burden myself with that, when there is no need to try and change anyone’s mind about it.

 

I tried to explain all of this as clearly as possible. It’s been a very difficult time and I feel like I have hope again, which is a huge step forward from a few days ago. I don’t need to “get right with God” like the nutters said, I just need to be at peace with myself and get the negativity out of my life for good. I actually feel like that is possible now. It’s been a long time since I have posted here, but it’s good to be back again.

[mwc]

     Glad to hear you're doing better.

 

          mwc

 

[ConsiderTheSource]

10 hours ago, crazyguy123 said:

I just need to be at peace with myself

 

Yes.

 

Every day going forward is precious.  They are a finite number.  

 

You/you mind is one massive biological computer.  You can reprogram yourself, or you can allow others to do it for you, others who most likely have an agenda for you and you mind.  

 

Ignore the outside programmers.  Ignore the scripts they placed in you brain (you are clearly making strides in this direction all already).  Try focusing on one base thought question to reprogram your mind's "bios", its basic operating system.  You get to choose this thought question.  For me, it was "What if God is imaginary?  How does this change my world, and those I interact around me".  Focusing on this literally rewrote my entire mental operating system.  For me, it happened amazing fast.  I doubt i am typical. 

 

After the reboot of my mental bios 9 years ago I experienced total peace of mind.  Has not left me since.  Yes, there are triggers out there, dredging up hurtful pieces of my old programming.  They are quite annoying.  Pretty sure I am stuck with these occasional annoyances.  

[disillusioned]

Very glad you're doing better. Just keep going. One day at a time.