Single Ex-Christian

[white_raven23]

Wasn't sure if this was the right place for this, so if it's moved, that's just fine.

 

I have what many could consider a "stupid" problem.

 

I'm heterosexual.

I don't do drugs.

I'm not a big drinker.

I went to college (even learned some stuff!).

I'm financially independent.

I don't believe in religion (Deist).

 

And....I've been single for over 4 years. And I've not been "close" to anyone (ahem!) for 2 years.

 

And I live in a state that many people consider "Man-Mecca". (Bullshit lie!)

 

Mom says "Go to church, you'll meet someone."

 

I remind her I'm a Deist, she shakes her head as though something is wrong with me.

 

Now, I'm not into highly organized activities. If it takes a week to get something going with friends (say, if I were into rock-climbing). I'm not too interested.

 

I do swing dance, but most people there are either married up, or they just don't do it for me.

 

There isn't much for non-religious people to DO in Anchorage, except be gay (I've learned our homosexual population is HUGE lucky guys!), do drugs, and live at the bars. And churches. Lots of churches.

 

Can't have lots of booze without finding a church around the corner (funny that).

 

I have a lot of friends in the theater community. But these people are broke most of the time (it does become an issue), and they have more of a "free love" kinda thing going (that's not me).

 

Mom has also suggested hanging out at the hospitals.

 

This sounds a tad....off to me.

 

Anyway, the point of the rant!

 

Anyone else here have similar problems of being strapped in regards to meeting new and interesting people since leaving religion?

 

Suggestions?

[chefranden]

Yes, I have such trouble, even though I'm not looking for a mate. I would like a real community -- without a church.

 

I used to think it was just me (I have PTSD which I'm told makes one anti-social).

 

I'm not so sure though. I think our culture has succeeded in becoming disconected. When I moved into this house I went around the neighborhood to houses in sight of mine and introduced myself. I'm telling you I think that people were shocked that I did this. Only the widow next door and the crazy guy across the street ever stop to talk if I'm out in the yard. Even that is pretty casual. When I grew up we knew everybody on two blocks. If dad and mom were out in the yard having a beer and someone walked by they had to come sit a spell and have one too. Now I don't even see my sibling but once in a blue moon.

 

You might have to do one of those dating service things. I've heard some good things about the e-harmony thing they advertize on the TV here abouts.

[Amethyst]

I've always found it hard to meet people, but then, I'm very introverted.

 

I've been casually seeing a guy who a friend of mine thought might be a good match for me. Unfortunately, he's about eight years older than me, doesn't have a college degree (sorry, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner in a family), and isn't really my type. We do have lots of things in common, and he's a nice guy, but...he's just not really marriage material.

 

The problem is, it's hard to meet guys outside of work. Hell, my fundy cube mate might be my type if he actually had a brain and wasn't a fundy. Unfortunately, intelligence and non-fundyism are two of my major criteria.

 

If I wasn't working eight hours a day, I might consider joining a book club and a writers' group, but those all take time out of the day and usually have fees to join.

 

I tried e-harmony. Both dates didn't show up.

 

I wish there was like, an anti-church social group. Not somehing that specifically protested religion or anything like that, just a group like this site, but in real life, that met for coffee on Sundays instead of going to church, or something.

[white_raven23]

I tried e-harmony.  Both dates didn't show up.

 

 

 

 

I couldn't even make it through the questionnaire. It involved way too many "yes" or "no" type questions on things that I am pretty grey area about (answer would depend strongly on surrounding details not indicated within the given question).

 

I tried match.com. and the Yahoo personals. Keep in mind, we ARE talking Anchorage here. I'm not looking to try dating someone in Texas (that's just ridiculous!). My responses came from seriously CREEPY guys outside my accepted age range (not into octogenarians).

 

I'd like to meet someone interesting who does not pound ther bible, run around in a vampire cape, drink themselves into oblivion every Saturday, or want to hike up every mountain, fish every stream, bike every trail, all while gnawing on granola while reminding me that meat is unhealthy and wouldn't comprehend a book if I chucked one at them. (yes, these are examples of the options I've met here)

 

I just know that this cannot be all life has to offer regarding the straight male species. I've not given up hope, just having trouble figuring out where other guy types are.

 

Especially here.

[fallenleaf]

I so completely agree with this. Although I do drink, I never go out when I am drinking... EVER. If I was to go out then I wouldn't drink. It's just my thing and that's the way it is. Last time I drank with a crowd, it was at a festival where my tent was in walking distance. I saw enough when I drove a tow-truck to keep me from mixing booze and driving. To the point that I am probably overly paranoid about it. So, bars are out for me. Besides, although I don't "mind" smoke... three or more hours in a smoky bar and I'm going to feel like crap... my eyes dried out, tasting smoke in my mouth, and probably a headache. Constant exposure to smoke was never my deal.

 

I am not, yet, financially independant... although I graduate in December and should have a job and place not too long after that. But for the moment, I live at home with my fundie mother. Taking a date home is 100% out of the question. That's strikes 2-10,000 against me. And my car gets great gas mileage and is excellent economically... but it is also a 1989 VW Fox... ugly as hell and a clunker. More strikes.

 

I'm heavy, but working on it, so toss in a couple more stikes.

 

But with all that working against me... I still manage to do okay with the women around me. But my last "date" was more than four months ago. It was more of an introductory thing... where we went out to lunch between classes. She was kind, smart, funny, and good looking to boot. Everything seemed to be good and she seemed to be liking me in return.

 

Near the end of lunch she mentions the Linux fish on the bumper of my car and asks if it is religious. I explain it away as a computer thing, and try to sidestep the religion issue. "Oh, so what church do you go to?"

 

"Uh, well I work on the nights during the weekend so I really don't go to church." [Damn, I'm a coward... but I really didn't want to dismiss this girl completely at this point.]

 

"You really need to start going to church again." [said with firm insistence that lets me know exactly how much my real convictions would be welcomed.]

 

"I guess..." I mutter and change the subject... but for me the date was over and I was done. I'm so tired of how impossible it is to find a woman who doesn't want to bring Jesus into the whole dating thing.

 

I'm just too tired to deal with that very often. I wish there was a type of thing like Amethyst mentioned... a nice neutral place where people could gather. Either non-religious or religous people who are open to people with other beliefs (without wanting to change the other people). It would make it so much easier.

[Asimov]

Anyone else here have similar problems of being strapped in regards to meeting new and interesting people since leaving religion?

 

Suggestions?

 

I have problems meeting girls, but only because I'm a mega pussy and have troubles approaching them.

[Eponymic]

I have problems meeting girls, but only because I'm a mega pussy and have troubles approaching them.

 

I feel ya there brother. I go through those moments of trepidation too.

 

Though occasionally I'll end up suddenly being mega Bond suave and surprise myself in the process.

[Eponymic]

I also have the same trouble finding females that are compatible with me.

So I appreciate that problem with immense empathy as well.

[Amethyst]

My responses came from seriously CREEPY guys outside my accepted age range (not into octogenarians).

 

When I tried Yahoo and a few other services, the only matches I got were from total losers...guys with no jobs, no college, and who didn't even live anywhere close to me. Most of them were also religious. I have gotten a couple of responses from Africa. Um...yeah, what makes them think that anyone here would actually be stupid enough to go to a foreign country to meet someone they'd never met, and are probably going to get scammed in the process?

 

Sheesh. There has got to be another way. I just wish I had the time to do more stuff, like volunteering or something, but then I'd probably be unemployed.

[DeathWorship]

Atheist [bIG strike]

Drummer [that gives me a slight edge with women, but they are usually skankolas]

Horror movie fanatic [another BIG strike]

Death Metal elitist [that right there pretty much kills it for me.. but there's more]

Long hair [its out of style.. apparently]

Sense of style breaks down to band shirts and jeans [strike strike srikek tsutisr]

I do drink, but only for the buzz, I hate being drunk now, I RARELY do shrooms when they are in season, and I smoke pot every now and then, not a pothead anymore [sTEEEEEEEEEEEEE-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKEEEE]

I live in the SOUTH!! [HOWDY Y'ALL!!!! HYUK!]

 

about the only things I DO have going for me are...

 

Completely financially independent [without a college education, all i have is a GED]

Live by myself

Have a car, it looks like shit, but I can outrun most tricked rice machines

 

I'm 22 and havent had a date in 4 years

[Lokmer]

Really and truly...

 

Audit a college or grad school course. Preferably at a non-residential college. You'll usually find a large cross-section of people there, and it isn't too hard to get a study group going. You may not meet a partner, but you'll be expanding your circle of friends and aquaintances if you put in the work to keep the relationships alive.

 

Here's the thing:

Most people marry or partner with people that they meet through work, school, or mutual friends (Sex in America, 1992). Most people do NOT meet partners through bars or dating services. If they meet anyone through these things, it's more likely to be one night stands or short term relationships.

 

Cultivate your existing friendships and relationships, and concentrate on expanding that circle. It will enrich your life and slake the lonliness a bit, and it will also increase your chances on meeting someone for whom you are well matched.

 

Finally, know yourself and be gracious. It's very easy for us Ex-Christians to be pretty high-and-mighty about people who have religious or philosophical differences. It's probably true that we aren't going to be well-matched to a Christian, but that shouldn't preclude the possibility of having a good time on a date, bantering a good conversation about whatever comes up. If you know yourself well (rather than just knowing what piques your interest) you'll be in a better position to gague potential for partnership in any given relationship - often the things that attract us to people are NOT the things which will make good partners for us. And, if you cultivate habits of grace, you're in a far better position to enjoy what DOES come along without wishing that it was something different and thereby killing the joy of the moment.

 

For what it's worth.

-Lokmer

P.S. U.U churches are also a good place to meet broad-minded people, if you can put up with the praise music.

[Amethyst]

From a woman's PoV:

 

I don't care so much if a guy has long hair, as long as it's clean and he makes an effort to make it look decent -- for example, a ponytail, or at least combs it regularly.

 

I do care if a guy does drugs, whether it's just pot or not...I don't want to have any run-ins with the cops. There are a bunch of stupid laws, where if you're living with someone and they do drugs, and the cops think you should have known about it, even if there was no possible way for you to know because the guy was lying and didn't keep the drugs anywhere obvious, you can still be arrested. That kind of trouble, I don't need.

 

I don't care that much about sense of style so much, as long as the clothes are not dirty and the style isn't completely bizarre. I would not, for example, go out with someone who wears a Wookie costume on a daily basis outside of a science fiction convention or the Star Wars premiere.

 

Hell, I even like horror movies myself. I also like science fiction and fantasy, and I'm a computer geek, so at least I have something to talk about with guys. It's just a matter of actually meeting them. I also personally don't care about a guy's taste in music so much, as long as he listens to it with headphones on, and we have some common interests otherwise.

 

Being financially independent and having a car are plusses, but if a guy's car looks dirty and like he doesn't care about it that much, it says a lot about him. I realize it's a stereotype, but that may be one reason. I'm not a neat freak or anything like that, but I do take care of my stuff. Damn, that reminds me, I need to get my oil changed this weekend.

 

You're also only 22...not that many 22-year-olds already have a college degree, so I wouldn't expect that. Although I wouldn't date a 22-year-old because I'm 29.

[DeathWorship]

From a woman's PoV...

 

1. my hair is in a ponytail 98% of the time, except when im by myself at home or asleep

 

2. what i mean by every now and then is like once or twice a YEAR, i get drug tested at work

 

3. what's wrong with my wookie costume? tee hee

 

4. i usually do listen to music with headphones on coincedentally

 

5. what i mean by my car looks like shit is.. its a dark purple 96 chevy corsica and the paint is peeling off the top, i don't keep it junky on the inside, i hate that myself.

 

6. i have little college ambition outside of getting a degree in musical mixing, mastering, engineering, and producing.

 

i just can't seem to find a woman who can deal with what i listed where *I* live.. podunk backwoods South Carolina, and i WOULD date a 29 year old.. lol

[white_raven23]

Lockmer,

 

Great advice. I've been thinking about taking more college classes. I've got my "serious" degree already, so maybe it's time to take some for-my-own-happiness classes.

 

When I was first in college, I was the youngest little bunny there. Now maybe I'll actaully have peers closer to my age. Such is UAA (not a young people college).

 

And yeah, for guys, hygine goes a LOOONG way! I'm not sure where the term Metro-sexual came up, but it's actually insulting. As if a man taking care of his appearance is somehow related to his sexual orientation. It shouldn't be.

 

A guy who doesn't brush his teeth or bathe has no business wondering where the girls are. We'd rather hang with our gay male friends in that instance....hey we won't be getting any, but at least our company is nice to look at, and doesn't knock us over with bad breath while conversing.

 

Gotta run.....my computer has been chocking, gotta take it in for repairs.

 

Later

[Amethyst]

5. what i mean by my car looks like shit is.. its a dark purple 96 chevy corsica and the paint is peeling off the top, i don't keep it junky on the inside, i hate that myself.

 

Nothing wrong with a purple car. I'd have picked that myself if I'd had the choice, but it was either white, silver, red, or black at the dealership for my Grand Am, so I got black because I liked Knight Rider and it was the darkest color available.

 

And I would totally go for the music degree if I were you. If you gotta get one, you might as well get one in something enjoyable. You never know where it might take you. My friend has one in music (she can sing, but she mostly does weddings and stuff like that) and she has a regular day job as a sales person.)

[DeathWorship]

Nothing wrong with a purple car.  I'd have picked that myself if I'd had the choice, but it was either white, silver, red, or black at the dealership for my Grand Am, so I got black because I liked Knight Rider and it was the darkest color available. 

 

And I would totally go for the music degree if I were you.  If you gotta get one, you might as well get one in something enjoyable.  You never know where it might take you.  My friend has one in music (she can sing, but she mostly does weddings and stuff like that) and she has a regular day job as a sales person.)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

yeah, music is all i have enough 'passion' for to pursue a career in it. i would REALLY like to take international percussion lessons and become a concert percussionist, playing in symphonies and what-not.

[SmallStone]

The only advice I can really think of is DON'T SETTLE.

 

It took me until I was 34 to find a suitable mate. If you want something rare, then you'd better be in for the long haul when it comes time for the search.

 

Patience and luck to you white_raven23.

[Amethyst]

i would REALLY like to take international percussion lessons and become a concert percussionist, playing in symphonies and what-not.

 

That's an admirable goal. There are far too few people who follow their dreams these days -- they just settle for crappy, boring desk jobs and hope they'll get lucky someday. You should go for it.

[Lanakila]

Online dating is something I have come to. I tried the services, and frankly they are expensive and most of the guys my age just want a wife to cook and clean for them. So, I have met people from this site and other infidel type sites and hooked up. Btw, hookups at this site are quite common. We share the same philosophy for the most part, and agree on many things, so friendship is easy. Taking it to the next step isn't all that hard really. If you have instant messenger, then you can really get to know someone.

[NimbusBirdMgp]

I'm ambivolent about wanting to move to Anchorage, Alaska. I think the Climate would be my idea place. But not all my idea place. Especailly economically affordable. Knowing the right kind of people and having someone I would like to be with, would have to meet these other requirements. Interesting maybe kind of, that you are looking for a guy and I'm looking for a gal. Kind of seems like we both have the same problem (?)

 

I am a little dizzy to reading everything here yet and knowing all that is going on. Cause I am new to this Forum since yesterday. There is other Forums I came from and other duties I'm doing, so I am here for a few Post I can look and read and then on to something else I need to take care of. So? I'm not getting to read everything and know it all yet.

[Amethyst]

Heh. Well, I went to a 50th anniversary party for some friends of my parents tonight, and a bunch of people kept asking me when I was going to get married. I said that I had to meet the right guy first.

 

Thank goodness my parents aren't like that. It would drive me completely bonkers. Nobody should rush into marriage, IMHO. I know too many people who have and regretted it.

[NimbusBirdMgp]

I couldn't even make it through the questionnaire. It involved way too many "yes" or "no" type questions on things that I am pretty grey area about (answer would depend strongly on surrounding details not indicated within the given question).

 

I tried match.com. and the Yahoo personals. Keep in mind, we ARE talking Anchorage here. I'm not looking to try dating someone in Texas (that's just ridiculous!). My responses came from seriously CREEPY guys outside my accepted age range (not into octogenarians).

 

I'd like to meet someone interesting who does not pound ther bible, run around in a vampire cape, drink themselves into oblivion every Saturday, or want to hike up every mountain, fish every stream, bike every trail, all while gnawing on granola while reminding me that meat is unhealthy and wouldn't comprehend a book if I chucked one at them. (yes, these are examples of the options I've met here)

 

I just know that this cannot be all life has to offer regarding the straight male species. I've not given up hope, just having trouble figuring out where other guy types are.

 

Especially here.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Interesting! I found gray area in some questionnaires on some of these sites also. It was driving me crazy. Then I get Russian and Black African gals wanting to correspond with me that are thousands of miles away. I found something odd when they are claiming to be Cathlic Christians.

 

You think I like to get old and never experience the youth? Heck! I find it inevitable to being octogenarians if something never cooperates sooner in my life. Not that I would, but ... take some youth testosterone and I'm staying in my 30's for good, lest that Earth years may be octogenarian, but not my real efferts anyway.

 

I'm wondering if this is all life has to offer regarding the straight female species myself. I tried not given up hope, but people are hard heads to me.

[-Demona-]

I know I'm young (22 years old), but I find it difficult pairing up regardless. I've always had problems being social, and that wasn't changed by going -- or not going -- to church. I'm just terribly shy, until you get to know me. And how many guys are willing to walk up to the quiet girl minding her own business and talk to her?

[DeathWorship]

I live in the biblebelt south.  My husband is an atheist (and was an atheist when I met him and i was still a moderate christian, and no i didn't try to convert him.), Tomlet likes horror movies...he's BIG on the heavy metal...no long hair...he's a computer geek so his sense of style equals: i dress him like my personal ken doll.  So see...if tomlet could get a woman...you can too (oh and I"m not 300 pounds, I have my own teeth, etc. etc.)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

i dunno, in my personal experiences, all of the women around here are attracted to assholes with blood alcohol levels higher than their IQs, who drive huge trucks so they can go "muddin'", and like to kick the shit out of "fags" [fag constitutes anyone not like them apparently], and of course.. they are ALL "good god fearing christians" *vomits*

[DeathWorship]

Wow.  where the hell do you live?  I live in TN in the biblebelt...you apparently live in deliverance country.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

backwoods south carolina.