Is This Normal?

[Ouroboros]

There's a war on Christmas?! What sort of sick fuck???

Yes. There's a war between Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny has an advantage, throwing rotten eggs and molding candy at ol' Kringle.

[Guest Broken Chains]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought my baggage back on here. I'm falling back into old habits. I've failed. I think my chances at living a better life are dead. Reality is just one big fucking nightmare. I sent the email to the counselor. He hasn't responded yet. I hope he does soon. Then again, it's not like he can tell me anything that I haven't heard before. I'm doing all I know to do. Nothing is working. I don't know, all I've accomplished is make a big fool out of myself.

[Guest Broken Chains]

You're all sick of me.... so am I. I can't stop making these posts. I fall on my face every time I try to make a change. Fuck optimistic positive thinking, it doesn't work. I am a failure. I can't stop making these goddamn posts because I don't know how else to let out this anger. Counseling and therapy is a joke. Maybe this account should be banned too, because I can't stop doing this.... I want help but it doesn't fucking exist. Forget banning me, I wish someone would walk in my house, blow my brains out, and hack me up into a million tiny fucking pieces. Why the fuck should I care, I have no future. Hell is my home, it's where I belong, rotting and burning and screaming and suffering for all eternity, without one shred of hope. That's my future, that's what I deserve, that's what I want. For the love of God, let it happen....

 

I'm losing my mind.... why the fuck am I posting this? Why am I saying these things? I've lost my fucking mind and have no one I can talk to that won't judge me or shove their religion down my throat..... I'm a sick, twisted, selfish, possibly demon posessed loser.... I'm a failure..... I've failed at everything I've done.... everything I try to do.... I've lost my mind, I can't take care of myself..... I'm devoid of any real love or compassion... every time I apologize for something I did, it backfires and I go do it again..... how many repentance threads have a made here? 50? fuck, I can't do this.... I can't live like this.... I'm fucking weak, too weak to change.... everything I try, it backfires.... it's like there's an evil god sitting on my back pounding depressing shit in my mind 24/7, making damn sure I don't succeed, enjoy anything, or feel anything above hatred towards myself.... god, satan, i don't know.... fuck, i don't care what it is, it's killed me and stripped away my hope and i hate it.... if salvation is real then i'm cut off from it..... why the fuck can i not find the guts to decide that i am going to kill myself?? shoot myself, jump off a building, pop a bunch of pills, ANYTHING.... WHY CANT I JUST DO IT ALREADY AND GET IT OVERWITH?? nothing is going to change.... nothing is gonna get any better..... every day it's looking more and more like "the truth" is sick and evil, and every little thing that i am afraid of..... if i even watch a religious video my anxiety skyrockets and makes me like this.... FUCK!!!!!! fuck it all.....

 

don't respond to this. don't give these posts any of the attention that my sick twisted mind secretly wants.... someone do this site a favor and kick me off, ban my ip, i don't know, just something to make sure i leave and don't come back..... i really think i wish someone would just kill me. i'm sick of watching myself act like this and not be able to stop it....

[Galien]

 

don't respond to this. don't give these posts any of the attention that my sick twisted mind secretly wants.... someone do this site a favor and kick me off, ban my ip, i don't know, just something to make sure i leave and don't come back..... i really think i wish someone would just kill me. i'm sick of watching myself act like this and not be able to stop it....

 

Sounds familiar Your brain wiring is certainly having fun with you isn't it. You sound just like me when I was 20. My brain just attacked me over and over again without mercy, thoughts racing and taunting and burning and churning until I was a neurotic ball of someone please just kill me because I cannot stand it anymore.

 

This is some nasty shit you have going on, and you do need some help and pretty soom by the sounds of things. Firstly, although I know it is the last thing you want to hear or know how to do, calm the fuck down. Hold your breath for 10, then in 3 out 3 and keep doing it until your breathing slows down, for as long as necessary. You take yourself way too seriously. Take it from a master of the game that is the quickest way to turn your brain against itself.

 

Someone has taught you how to treat yourself this way, it needs to be challenged.

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

Broken Chains, we're glad you joined us and are happy to have you!

 

Brains are like computers. Like computers, all of our brains have some glitch in them, some of us have more noticeable glitches than others. For me, I have anxiety issues from 2 decades of being abused. To top that, like you, I was given the godvirus by my parents, forced to believe in some deity that put me in a horrible situation, and pretty much said that I deserved worse.

 

Even if I don't have OCD and don't understand what you're going through, I know its hard. It's not your fault. Also, religion probably has made your OCD worse, like it made my depression issues worse as a teenager.

[Ro-bear]

You need some self-affirmation, as soon as possible. You can't wait for formal therapy; you've got to start right now. Since Stuart Smalley is not available, being now senator from Minnesota, it is up to you.

 

 

And the first thing you should do is to do something for someone else. Immediately. Be a Good Samaritan. Do some volunteer work, help an old lady across the street...something!

 

When you think you deserve help (which you do) you'll be more likely to respond positively to it. It's not your fault, but you won't let yourself believe that until you do something for somebody else. To paraphrase Billy Preston, it would sure do you good to do someone else good. You can help!

[Guest I Love Dog]

Is it normal to be constantly plagued with fear? I'm not talking about a fear of hell, or anything necessarily religious, but fear of what's going on in the world. Fear that we could be nuked and wiped off the face of this planet any day now... Fear that we could be taken captive as prisoners... Fear that the enonomy will crash... Pretty much worse case scenario type fears. And I would be lying if I said my religious brainwashing didn't make it a whole lot worse. I thought I was overcoming that, but it's starting to rise up again... I swear, I am trying to change. I'm trying my best to kill old habits and basically put my old self to death. But I'm not doing a very good job.

 

I found a list of online counselors, and as soon as I find the words to say (I've already tried typing something up once) I'm going to start talking to someone via email. I don't have a lot of money, so I doubt I can keep these sessions going for long, but as long as it's doing some good, I will keep it going as long as I can. I would rather be broke and happy than be paranoid with money.

 

I'm ashamed. I thought I was making progress. I know I'm not normal, but is it normal to have these kinds of fears? Have any of you experienced the same thing? Or am I alone in this?

 

We are genetically programed to have fear/s. It's to do with survival and without fear we succumb to all manner of bad things. I don't think it's normal to let fear/s rule your life, but just to be aware that bad things can happen. Religion, unfortunately, is well-designed to exploit the fears that we humans have regarding our lives and our after lives and they play it for all that it's worth.

 

I suspect that you may be quite young, and I recall that when I was young I had many fears that I don't now have. I grew up in a time when nuclear war was a very real fear, during the Cold War days with USA and Russia and most people lived with the thought that we could all be wiped out at any time. I suspect that the South Korean people might be feeling that way right now.

 

Another fear was my fear of death and that took a number of years for me to come to terms with. I've been an atheist since I was 12, so I didn't have the Christian promise of life after death to allay my fear of the absolute nothingness that would happen when I died.

 

Fears such as those regarding traffic accidents, food poisoning, sickness, we seem to be able to deal with, seeing them as being necessary fears and we are careful about those things. Fear of things beyond our control are those that are the worst to handle. Fear of flying is one of those.

 

You say you are not "normal". What is "normal"? It's different for everyone. some people have absolutely no fear of jumping off high bridges attached to a large rubber band, or leaping out of airplanes and free-falling for 1000s of feet, or sailing a yacht solo around the World.

 

Some people are petrified of spiders or snakes or other creepy-crawlies and others handle them without any fear.

 

What I feel you need to do for yourself is to confront your unnecessary fears and deal with them, get them out of the way. Keep the necessary fears of everyday life such as personal safety, etc.

 

Find some online meditation lessons(there are plenty of free ones) and learn to relax your mind and free yourself of fears of war, being taken captive, crashing economy, etc. These are remote fears and things that we don't need to worry about day to day.

 

I wish you well and hope that you get the fears sorted out and begin to live a relaxed life.

[Guest Broken Chains]

I don't know what to say. I don't deserve help or kindness. I don't deserve food, water, shelter, or anything else. But a stupid worthless human like me has those things, while innocents overseas suffer without. Nothing makes any sense. I feel nothing but shame when I say the things I do. I don't know why I say the things I say and think the way I think. I know there's something wrong with it, but I can't stop. No matter what I do, whether it's fooling myself that I am a new person, distracting myself long enough to get things off my mind, trying new perspectives, or anything else, I always come back down to this. This is what I am, deep down inside. And that shames me. I can't even take my own word for anything. I say I'll do one thing, and I don't. I say I'll stop doing something, then I go and do it. I can't trust myself. Shame, guilt, anger, sadness, failure, so many emotions that I don't know what to do with. And all I'm doing is rambling, wasting everyone's time. Nothing good can come from me, I'm pathetic.

[renoliz]

Get your courage together long enough to email a counselor. You can do it. Love the explanation for the counselor. Now you just gotta send it:)

[Guest Broken Chains]

Get your courage together long enough to email a counselor. You can do it. Love the explanation for the counselor. Now you just gotta send it:)

 

I did. It.... didn't exactly work out.

[Guest]

 

 

Now, all I need to do is pick someone out of this list of counselors.

 

My only advice is to find either a Jewish, or Atheist counselor. I have been with several, and one was a catholick, and she dismissed everything I said about the church as "in my head". For instance, I forget what I was even saying, but I uttered the sentence, "I'm angry that the church lies to people", and she interrupted me and said "you believe the church lies to people". I said "no, the church does lie and I can prove it empirically" and she said "you believe that you were lied to".

 

Well, this got me flush with anger, and, since the pope had been in Africa only a week before, I asked her "Do condoms reduce the risk of contracting AIDS?" to which she looked puzzled. I continued, "your pope just got back from Africa telling the people there that condoms will INCREASE their chances of catching AIDS, so don't you fucking tell me the church does not lie!"

 

The next week I told her I had done alot of thinking and me going to a religious therapist for help overcoming religion is like me going to a bartender to help me quit drinking. I soon found a therapist (I interviewed many before I went to them) who was an Atheist and she was the best thing for me.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Now, all I need to do is pick someone out of this list of counselors.

 

My only advice is to find either a Jewish, or Atheist counselor. I have been with several, and one was a catholick, and she dismissed everything I said about the church as "in my head". For instance, I forget what I was even saying, but I uttered the sentence, "I'm angry that the church lies to people", and she interrupted me and said "you believe the church lies to people". I said "no, the church does lie and I can prove it empirically" and she said "you believe that you were lied to".

 

Well, this got me flush with anger, and, since the pope had been in Africa only a week before, I asked her "Do condoms reduce the risk of contracting AIDS?" to which she looked puzzled. I continued, "your pope just got back from Africa telling the people there that condoms will INCREASE their chances of catching AIDS, so don't you fucking tell me the church does not lie!"

 

The next week I told her I had done alot of thinking and me going to a religious therapist for help overcoming religion is like me going to a bartender to help me quit drinking. I soon found a therapist (I interviewed many before I went to them) who was an Atheist and she was the best thing for me.

 

Yeah, I didn't make the right choice. From all that I sent, the guy somehow gathered that I wanted Christian counseling. That's what he was gonna give me, after I forked over the money. I just thought, fuck it, I'm not paying 30 bucks per session to hear the same old shit again. That's exactly what happened last time. I went to see a "secular" shrink, and it turned out he was a Christian, and he quoted one or two scriptures, talked about the church, etc. I knew right away that it was the last time I was gonna see him. If I wanted a Christian counselor, I would go to Jesus. But I've prayed a lot in the past, and a lot of people have been praying for me, but look what good that did? I'm sitting here, knowing I have no way out, considering suicide more and more each day. Yeah, that demonstrates the awesome power of prayer. I'm a young guy that doesn't have a lot of money, I'm not gonna waste it on these people. I might try it again and see what happens, but knowing my luck, I'll pick the wrong guy again. Besides, 30 bucks per session is very cheap compared to most of the others. A lot of them charge per minute. It's expensive, I can't afford that shit. Not for long anyway.

[Galien]

I don't know what to say. I don't deserve help or kindness. I don't deserve food, water, shelter, or anything else. But a stupid worthless human like me has those things, while innocents overseas suffer without. Nothing makes any sense. I feel nothing but shame when I say the things I do. I don't know why I say the things I say and think the way I think. I know there's something wrong with it, but I can't stop. No matter what I do, whether it's fooling myself that I am a new person, distracting myself long enough to get things off my mind, trying new perspectives, or anything else, I always come back down to this. This is what I am, deep down inside. And that shames me. I can't even take my own word for anything. I say I'll do one thing, and I don't. I say I'll stop doing something, then I go and do it. I can't trust myself. Shame, guilt, anger, sadness, failure, so many emotions that I don't know what to do with. And all I'm doing is rambling, wasting everyone's time. Nothing good can come from me, I'm pathetic.

 

 

Just as well I don't live in america or I might have to come find you and slap the above silliness out of you. STOP TREATING YOURSELF LIKE SHIT. There, you have been told. You have an emotional/mental illness, very similar to me, but I'm fifty and I have been in therapy since I was twenty five, so you can see how hard this shit is to sort out.

 

What exactly did you do again to not be worth the time of day? Nothing I bet. The rest of the things you mention are conpletely normal. Other than that, you seem to have a very shame based personality which is driving you to feel the way you do, and that usually comes from the way a person is treated as a child, or from some kind of trauma. This is the stuff you need to explore to find the roots of your self hate. My only real advice - never give up on yourself, NEVER. Keep looking for solutions to the pain you feel, no matter how hard or how uncomfortable. Even though you don't know it, you are worth the effort, worth the pain and worth the time. You actually sound like a very nice but extremely neurotic person, we are experts at beating the fuck out of ourselves for no reason. BIg hug from me

[Guest Broken Chains]

I don't know what to say. I don't deserve help or kindness. I don't deserve food, water, shelter, or anything else. But a stupid worthless human like me has those things, while innocents overseas suffer without. Nothing makes any sense. I feel nothing but shame when I say the things I do. I don't know why I say the things I say and think the way I think. I know there's something wrong with it, but I can't stop. No matter what I do, whether it's fooling myself that I am a new person, distracting myself long enough to get things off my mind, trying new perspectives, or anything else, I always come back down to this. This is what I am, deep down inside. And that shames me. I can't even take my own word for anything. I say I'll do one thing, and I don't. I say I'll stop doing something, then I go and do it. I can't trust myself. Shame, guilt, anger, sadness, failure, so many emotions that I don't know what to do with. And all I'm doing is rambling, wasting everyone's time. Nothing good can come from me, I'm pathetic.

 

 

Just as well I don't live in america or I might have to come find you and slap the above silliness out of you. STOP TREATING YOURSELF LIKE SHIT. There, you have been told. You have an emotional/mental illness, very similar to me, but I'm fifty and I have been in therapy since I was twenty five, so you can see how hard this shit is to sort out.

 

What exactly did you do again to not be worth the time of day? Nothing I bet. The rest of the things you mention are conpletely normal. Other than that, you seem to have a very shame based personality which is driving you to feel the way you do, and that usually comes from the way a person is treated as a child, or from some kind of trauma. This is the stuff you need to explore to find the roots of your self hate. My only real advice - never give up on yourself, NEVER. Keep looking for solutions to the pain you feel, no matter how hard or how uncomfortable. Even though you don't know it, you are worth the effort, worth the pain and worth the time. You actually sound like a very nice but extremely neurotic person, we are experts at beating the fuck out of ourselves for no reason. BIg hug from me

 

I don't know, guilt is just what I'm made of. I'm full of it. For many reasons. I don't know. I feel shame and guilt even now. Maybe there's a reason to justify it, maybe not. I don't know. The only thing I truly know right now is, I'm losing it.... Some Christians are saying that God is telling them to leave the country very soon because of what's about to happen to this country. I don't know what to make of this information, it's driving me insane. Everything they say makes sense, and a lot of these "prophecies" they have made are coming true. Religion = fear..... Religion is plaguing me with fear.... Not only religion, but other things.... I'm questioning things that I never thought I would question.... things that scare me. Things that I won't even speak of.

[Galien]

I don't know, guilt is just what I'm made of. I'm full of it. For many reasons. I don't know. I feel shame and guilt even now. Maybe there's a reason to justify it, maybe not. I don't know. The only thing I truly know right now is, I'm losing it.... Some Christians are saying that God is telling them to leave the country very soon because of what's about to happen to this country. I don't know what to make of this information, it's driving me insane. Everything they say makes sense, and a lot of these "prophecies" they have made are coming true. Religion = fear..... Religion is plaguing me with fear.... Not only religion, but other things.... I'm questioning things that I never thought I would question.... things that scare me. Things that I won't even speak of.

 

 

God doesn't tell anyone anything, people feed their beliefs through this bullshit, they whip each other up into a frenzy until people actually believe it is true. Ask yourself this....if, as the bible says perfect love casts out fear, why are christians scared of everything all the time? Nasty shit happens in many countries in the world every day, horrors beyond imagination. Tens of thousands of children die of starvation in a world with plenty of food, children are raped, hacked to death and who knows what else. In our protected westernised way of living we are too soft because we don't live with any of this shit.

 

Anyone can turn anything into a prophecy, christians scared the living fuck outta me with this stuff when I was a teenager. IT IS ALL BULLSHIT, ALL OF IT. Lies, misrepresentations to make their crazy behaviour and beliefs justified in their own eyes. For fifteen years of my life I could not be in a house by mysef because I thought demons were coming to get me because church people told me that. These people terrorised me and stole fifteen years of my life with deception and what basically amounts to mental illness on their part.

 

Life is uncertain, there are no guarantees, and one day every single one of us will die. At some point you need to accept this. Fear will destroy your mind and you are letting it take over. KEEP THESE FEARMONGERING FUCKWITS OUT OF YOUR HEAD, they are making you crazy and basically abusing and terrorising you. Live life one day at a time, and stop worrying about what might happen.

[renoliz]

So that counselor didn't work out. That is really common. Maybe you could ask them what their style of counseling is like cognitive or whatever and are they secular before you fork out more money.

 

The thing is I am soooo proud of you for taking a step like emaling a counselor.. And Galien is very right. Never, ever give up on yourself. Keep plugging. Now, try to see what you can find out about some of the other counselors on your list, okay?

[Crazy Donna]

So it didn't work out with this particular counsellor. I ran out of coffee once and I bought Riva, which is the most disgusting coffee ever made. Did I refuse to drink coffee ever again? No. I went and bought some decent coffee at the next available opportunity. It's the same as getting a dud counsellor. You just try another one. You keep trying until you get somewhere.

 

There is a difference between getting shit out (catharsis) and wallowing in despair. I think you should start keeping a journal for cathartic reasons, and stop posting posts here that denigrate yourself. By all means post, but edit your posts yourself and remove all the negative crap out of them. If you're in as bad a shape as you reckon you are, the last thing you need is to beat yourself up about it. Going through your post and identifying all the negative shit is a constructive exercise, because you're recognising it, and rejecting it. Part of changing your behaviour (including mental behaviours) is to recognise when you are thinking the destructive thoughts. Once you start to recognise them, you can start editing them out. When they teach abused women to leave their husbands, they start by teaching them to recognise the negative behaviours, before they even think about making a change.

 

You need to retrain your brain. I'm serious. Go through your next post before you hit 'post', and take out all the negative, self destructive shit out of it. Then read what you have left over, and post that.

 

You need to make a list, right no, of five things about you that are awesome. NO excuses. None of this "I can't think of anything" shit, because that is just wallowing in self pity, and that won't get you out of this hole. Stop immediately reverting to "I'm a crap human being" as your life soundtrack. Stop yourself when you have a thought like that, and replace it with something more constructive. That is a strategy to change your thinking patterns, and it'll help, if you commit yourself to it.

 

Stop repeating the same depressing shit over and over. That is a massive part of your problem. I am not a stupid, pollyanna optimist, but even I know that if you're telling yourself all that shit, it can't all be fucking true. So do yourself a favour and stop repeating it. Stop yourself when you realise you're doing it. If you, for example, find yourself thinking "I'm a worthless human being", immediately think about a goal you're working towards, or something constructive you've been doing lately with your time. REplace the shit thought with the thought that will focus you on a constructive behaviour.

 

You only feel better about yourself when you achieve things. So start achieving things, and stop reinforcing your destructive, miserable thought behaviours. You wouldn't tolerate a diseased $2 hooker licking your face like a dog while you tried to eat your lunch, would you? But you let these destructive thoughts into your head, to paralyse your life. Don't let yourself wallow in these bullshit thoughts, which we all know are not true. Seriously, come on, it's not like you've raped or murdered someone. Go through some of your old posts, and edit them, putting a strike through some of the negative bullshit. That has to be better than sitting there thinking about how miserable you are. You'll be recognising your negative thought patterns, and rejecting them.

 

I am waiting for that list of five things about you that are awesome.

[DayLight]

Is it normal to be constantly plagued with fear? I'm not talking about a fear of hell, or anything necessarily religious, but fear of what's going on in the world. Fear that we could be nuked and wiped off the face of this planet any day now... Fear that we could be taken captive as prisoners... Fear that the enonomy will crash... Pretty much worse case scenario type fears. And I would be lying if I said my religious brainwashing didn't make it a whole lot worse. I thought I was overcoming that, but it's starting to rise up again... I swear, I am trying to change. I'm trying my best to kill old habits and basically put my old self to death. But I'm not doing a very good job.

 

I found a list of online counselors, and as soon as I find the words to say (I've already tried typing something up once) I'm going to start talking to someone via email. I don't have a lot of money, so I doubt I can keep these sessions going for long, but as long as it's doing some good, I will keep it going as long as I can. I would rather be broke and happy than be paranoid with money.

 

I'm ashamed. I thought I was making progress. I know I'm not normal, but is it normal to have these kinds of fears? Have any of you experienced the same thing? Or am I alone in this?

 

Many people have problems. Different people have different kinds of problems. I think many people have fear: reasonable and unreasonable. I relate to fear. I feel like I am living in a "big bad world" and I don't feel safe. I know that there is always a possibility that something bad might happen to me any day. Times change. And good life is always replaced by the bad life and the opposite...I would have loved to observe this world but only if I knew that nothing could harm me. As it is, I don't like being here....

 

What really helps is to make sure that I don't watch or hear or see the bad stuff. Focusing on seeing happy movies and reading happy books makes one forget the fears. Once you start to watch the news, the fears come back. It's better to be in blissful ignorance, to shelter the mind from anything bad. And that gives a measure of security.

 

 

Of course what gives me even more help is knowing that I will get help from above. It does not diminish the fear altogether, because people do go through suffering even with help. But it feels much better than to think that "I am all alone in this storm". It sure helps that Someone from above tells me: "I will take care of you" and keeps sending me dreams to show that I will be protected to some degree.

[Galien]

 

I know that Someone Special from the other side will help me. But it doesn't mean that everything will be easy. Some people go through suffering even with help. So this still leaves much room for fear. Although thankfully, I don't FEEL the fear, but more like I fear in my head, logically. But maybe it's because I trust in some sort of help from above. And it sure helps that the Someone Special keeps sending dreams my way which show that I am protected in some ways from the bad. And that HE tells me: I will take care of you. But without it, I would feel like a ship without a rudder, in the storm.

 

The secret of growing up is to realise there is no someone special and that we have to negotiate this life on our own. I used to feel just like you when I was a christian, until the storm almost killed me. There was no one there, hasn't been in fifty years, and there is no one there to pick up your pieces either.

[Guest Broken Chains]

God doesn't tell anyone anything, people feed their beliefs through this bullshit, they whip each other up into a frenzy until people actually believe it is true. Ask yourself this....if, as the bible says perfect love casts out fear, why are christians scared of everything all the time? Nasty shit happens in many countries in the world every day, horrors beyond imagination. Tens of thousands of children die of starvation in a world with plenty of food, children are raped, hacked to death and who knows what else. In our protected westernised way of living we are too soft because we don't live with any of this shit.

 

Anyone can turn anything into a prophecy, christians scared the living fuck outta me with this stuff when I was a teenager. IT IS ALL BULLSHIT, ALL OF IT. Lies, misrepresentations to make their crazy behaviour and beliefs justified in their own eyes. For fifteen years of my life I could not be in a house by mysef because I thought demons were coming to get me because church people told me that. These people terrorised me and stole fifteen years of my life with deception and what basically amounts to mental illness on their part.

 

Life is uncertain, there are no guarantees, and one day every single one of us will die. At some point you need to accept this. Fear will destroy your mind and you are letting it take over. KEEP THESE FEARMONGERING FUCKWITS OUT OF YOUR HEAD, they are making you crazy and basically abusing and terrorising you. Live life one day at a time, and stop worrying about what might happen.

 

I keep trying to keep these fear mongers out of my head, but it's hard. The more I try not to focus on something, the more I will. That's the way my brain works. These people scare me. That sounds pathetic, and it is, but it's true. Mostly because what they say seems so true and real.

 

and about what you said.... if perfect loves casts out fear, then why are christians scared of everything.... that's something that I have to ask myself a lot. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If perfect love casts out fear, then biblical Christianity must not be perfect love. Their god must not be perfect love. Because both him and his followers seem to get a kick out of scaring the shit out of people.

 

 

So that counselor didn't work out. That is really common. Maybe you could ask them what their style of counseling is like cognitive or whatever and are they secular before you fork out more money.

 

The thing is I am soooo proud of you for taking a step like emaling a counselor.. And Galien is very right. Never, ever give up on yourself. Keep plugging. Now, try to see what you can find out about some of the other counselors on your list, okay?

 

If they don't charge too much.

 

So it didn't work out with this particular counsellor. I ran out of coffee once and I bought Riva, which is the most disgusting coffee ever made. Did I refuse to drink coffee ever again? No. I went and bought some decent coffee at the next available opportunity.

 

There is a difference between getting shit out (catharsis) and wallowing in despair. I think you should start keeping a journal for cathartic reasons, and stop posting posts here that denigrate yourself. By all means post, but edit your posts yourself and remove all the negative crap out of them. If you're in as bad a shape as you reckon you are, the last thing you need is to beat yourself up about it. Going through your post and identifying all the negative shit is a constructive exercise, because you're recognising it, and rejecting it. Part of changing your behaviour (including mental behaviours) is to recognise when you are thinking the destructive thoughts. Once you start to recognise them, you can start editing them out. When they teach abused women to leave their husbands, they start by teaching them to recognise the negative behaviours, before they even think about making a change.

 

You need to retrain your brain. I'm serious. Go through your next post before you hit 'post', and take out all the negative, self destructive shit out of it. Then read what you have left over, and post that.

 

You need to make a list, right no, of five things about you that are awesome. NO excuses. None of this "I can't think of anything" shit, because that is just wallowing in self pity, and that won't get you out of this hole. Stop immediately reverting to "I'm a crap human being" as your life soundtrack. Stop yourself when you have a thought like that, and replace it with something more constructive. That is a strategy to change your thinking patterns, and it'll help, if you commit yourself to it.

 

Stop repeating the same depressing shit over and over. That is a massive part of your problem. I am not a stupid, pollyanna optimist, but even I know that if you're telling yourself all that shit, it can't all be fucking true. So do yourself a favour and stop repeating it. Stop yourself when you realise you're doing it. If you, for example, find yourself thinking "I'm a worthless human being", immediately think about a goal you're working towards, or something constructive you've been doing lately with your time. REplace the shit thought with the thought that will focus you on a constructive behaviour.

 

You only feel better about yourself when you achieve things. So start achieving things, and stop reinforcing your destructive, miserable thought behaviours. You wouldn't tolerate a diseased $2 hooker licking your face like a dog while you tried to eat your lunch, would you? But you let these destructive thoughts into your head, to paralyse your life. Don't let yourself wallow in these bullshit thoughts, which we all know are not true. Seriously, come on, it's not like you've raped or murdered someone. Go through some of your old posts, and edit them, putting a strike through some of the negative bullshit. That has to be better than sitting there thinking about how miserable you are. You'll be recognising your negative thought patterns, and rejecting them.

 

I am waiting for that list of five things about you that are awesome.

 

I bought a notebook a few days ago to start writing all that in. Maybe a journal of sorts, or just writing down a mess of angry thoughts. A way to vent. Can't hurt.

 

The reason I talk so much shit about myself is because, if this makes any sense... it's my way of trying to get across the message that I do not approve of myself or my actions. If I said all I said without beating myself up in explicit detail, I would look like an asshole. When I do that, it's mostly to let everyone know that I don't sit back and enjoy it, or approve of it. Or, maybe I'm just trying to beat myself down before someone else does. I don't want to be the type of person that puffs myself up with praise, and becomes full of pride, when through my actions I'm being a complete dick. Instead, I'm saying, this is what I am, but I don't approve of it. I'm a stupid moron. It's one of the ways I deal with my problems. Instead of sitting back and pretending like there's not a problem, I stand up, point it out, and just say NO. I do not approve of this. I do not approve of myself. Until I deserve to receive praise, I won't give myself one shred of it. I feel like beating myself up and insulting myself partially justifies my inability to change. I know it doesn't but in my mind.... it helps. Somehow, it helps.

 

5 good things about myself?

 

1. I don't follow the crowd. I think for myself.

2. I generally try to be a good person, and treat people with kindness and respect.

3. I'm not shallow.

4. I'm a heavy thinker. While that is often bad, sometimes it can be good.

5. I feel like I generally have good taste in things.

 

There.

 

Many people have problems. Different people have different kinds of problems. I think many people have fear: reasonable and unreasonable. I relate to fear. I feel like I am living in a "big bad world" and I don't feel safe. I know that there is always a possibility that something bad might happen to me any day. Times change. And good life is always replaced by the bad life and the opposite...I would have loved to observe this world but only if I knew that nothing could harm me. As it is, I don't like being here....

 

What really helps is to make sure that I don't watch or hear or see the bad stuff. Focusing on seeing happy movies and reading happy books makes one forget the fears. Once you start to watch the news, the fears come back. It's better to be in blissful ignorance, to shelter the mind from anything bad. And that gives a measure of security.

 

 

Of course what gives me even more help is knowing that I will get help from above. It does not diminish the fear altogether, because people do go through suffering even with help. But it feels much better than to think that "I am all alone in this storm". It sure helps that Someone from above tells me: "I will take care of you" and keeps sending me dreams to show that I will be protected to some degree.

 

In response to the bolded text above...

 

It may give a measure of security, but it's a false one.

[DayLight]

Many people have problems. Different people have different kinds of problems. I think many people have fear: reasonable and unreasonable. I relate to fear. I feel like I am living in a "big bad world" and I don't feel safe. I know that there is always a possibility that something bad might happen to me any day. Times change. And good life is always replaced by the bad life and the opposite...I would have loved to observe this world but only if I knew that nothing could harm me. As it is, I don't like being here....

 

What really helps is to make sure that I don't watch or hear or see the bad stuff. Focusing on seeing happy movies and reading happy books makes one forget the fears. Once you start to watch the news, the fears come back. It's better to be in blissful ignorance, to shelter the mind from anything bad. And that gives a measure of security.

 

 

Of course what gives me even more help is knowing that I will get help from above. It does not diminish the fear altogether, because people do go through suffering even with help. But it feels much better than to think that "I am all alone in this storm". It sure helps that Someone from above tells me: "I will take care of you" and keeps sending me dreams to show that I will be protected to some degree.

 

In response to the bolded text above...

 

It may give a measure of security, but it's a false one.

 

 

Fear itself could be called false, especially if it's unfounded. Yet it exists. And it controls a person's life. A sense of security (whether founded or not) also could control a person's life: make a person feel peaceful. What's wrong with feeling peaceful? So what if the trouble still comes later. At least you felt peaceful for a while. Is it good to feel bad all the time BEFORE the trouble comes and to feel bad AFTER the trouble comes? Is it not better to feel peace in blissful ignorance, at least for a while?

 

Fear usually makes us be afraid ahead of things that will never happen to us anyways. So basically instead of enjoying life, we spent it in fear that something bad might happen. Fear doesn't make us prepare for the trouble (in most cases). It only makes our life miserable. And it's all a matter of belief. Reality in some cases is not even relevant. It's about what you believe. That becomes your reality. So if you can make yourself believe that everything will be alright, you will feel happy. (Even though something bad might happen a while later). But so what? At least you had joy for a while....

[Crazy Donna]

So it didn't work out with this particular counsellor. I ran out of coffee once and I bought Riva, which is the most disgusting coffee ever made. Did I refuse to drink coffee ever again? No. I went and bought some decent coffee at the next available opportunity.

 

There is a difference between getting shit out (catharsis) and wallowing in despair. I think you should start keeping a journal for cathartic reasons, and stop posting posts here that denigrate yourself. By all means post, but edit your posts yourself and remove all the negative crap out of them. If you're in as bad a shape as you reckon you are, the last thing you need is to beat yourself up about it. Going through your post and identifying all the negative shit is a constructive exercise, because you're recognising it, and rejecting it. Part of changing your behaviour (including mental behaviours) is to recognise when you are thinking the destructive thoughts. Once you start to recognise them, you can start editing them out. When they teach abused women to leave their husbands, they start by teaching them to recognise the negative behaviours, before they even think about making a change.

 

You need to retrain your brain. I'm serious. Go through your next post before you hit 'post', and take out all the negative, self destructive shit out of it. Then read what you have left over, and post that.

 

You need to make a list, right no, of five things about you that are awesome. NO excuses. None of this "I can't think of anything" shit, because that is just wallowing in self pity, and that won't get you out of this hole. Stop immediately reverting to "I'm a crap human being" as your life soundtrack. Stop yourself when you have a thought like that, and replace it with something more constructive. That is a strategy to change your thinking patterns, and it'll help, if you commit yourself to it.

 

Stop repeating the same depressing shit over and over. That is a massive part of your problem. I am not a stupid, pollyanna optimist, but even I know that if you're telling yourself all that shit, it can't all be fucking true. So do yourself a favour and stop repeating it. Stop yourself when you realise you're doing it. If you, for example, find yourself thinking "I'm a worthless human being", immediately think about a goal you're working towards, or something constructive you've been doing lately with your time. REplace the shit thought with the thought that will focus you on a constructive behaviour.

 

You only feel better about yourself when you achieve things. So start achieving things, and stop reinforcing your destructive, miserable thought behaviours. You wouldn't tolerate a diseased $2 hooker licking your face like a dog while you tried to eat your lunch, would you? But you let these destructive thoughts into your head, to paralyse your life. Don't let yourself wallow in these bullshit thoughts, which we all know are not true. Seriously, come on, it's not like you've raped or murdered someone. Go through some of your old posts, and edit them, putting a strike through some of the negative bullshit. That has to be better than sitting there thinking about how miserable you are. You'll be recognising your negative thought patterns, and rejecting them.

 

I am waiting for that list of five things about you that are awesome.

 

I bought a notebook a few days ago to start writing all that in. Maybe a journal of sorts, or just writing down a mess of angry thoughts. A way to vent. Can't hurt.

 

The reason I talk so much shit about myself is because, if this makes any sense... it's my way of trying to get across the message that I do not approve of myself or my actions. If I said all I said without beating myself up in explicit detail, I would look like an asshole. When I do that, it's mostly to let everyone know that I don't sit back and enjoy it, or approve of it. Or, maybe I'm just trying to beat myself down before someone else does. I don't want to be the type of person that puffs myself up with praise, and becomes full of pride, when through my actions I'm being a complete dick. Instead, I'm saying, this is what I am, but I don't approve of it. I'm a stupid moron. It's one of the ways I deal with my problems. Instead of sitting back and pretending like there's not a problem, I stand up, point it out, and just say NO. I do not approve of this. I do not approve of myself. Until I deserve to receive praise, I won't give myself one shred of it. I feel like beating myself up and insulting myself partially justifies my inability to change. I know it doesn't but in my mind.... it helps. Somehow, it helps.

 

5 good things about myself?

 

1. I don't follow the crowd. I think for myself.

2. I generally try to be a good person, and treat people with kindness and respect.

3. I'm not shallow.

4. I'm a heavy thinker. While that is often bad, sometimes it can be good.

5. I feel like I generally have good taste in things.

 

There.

I think you should buy ANOTHER notebook, for POSITIVE stuff. Use the cathartic notebook for getting this stuff down, and the POSITIVE notebook to write your goals, and the things you are doing to fix your life.

 

Think back to christianity. Christians use thought terminating cliches to stop themselves following the chain of thought to places that make them uncomfortable.

 

I think you need to adopt the same strategy with some of your negative self talk.

 

It sounds corny, but when you catch yourself having a negative thought, you MUST counter it with something positive. I did it by focussing on my goals, which were pretty tame at the time. Little goals, then big goals. In that order.

 

So, for example, when you think something negative, like "I'm such a failure!" you MUST immediately add "I did a great job on X the other day", or "In a couple of weeks I'll have enough saved for X", or "I'm totally awesome at X task, I should do it more."

 

It sounds stupid, but your repeated negative selftalk is actually brainwashing you and establishing thought behaviours which are damaging you. OBVIOUSLY damaging you. I take it you are thoroughly aware that these thoughts are making you miserable? *channels the Bleeding Obvious fairy*

 

Break the chain of that behaviour. DO it a bit at a time. It does help. It helped me. I didn't even realise sometimes I was doing it, until I got interested in a goal and that goal took over my daydreaming time. As I made progress I realised I wasn't feeling so down about myself, and I wasn't thinking terrible thoughts about myself all the time, because I was focused on something that was making my life better.

 

You can totally do this. You just have to choose whether you want to start right now. Take it a little bit at a time.

 

All those things you listed are quite evident from your previous posts. You DO think for yourself, and you DO have a social conscience. These are great strengths. You should channel them into improving your life.

 

I also expect ANOTHER, completely DIFFERENT list of five awesome things about you. In your next post. No slacking off.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Fear itself could be called false, especially if it's unfounded. Yet it exists. And it controls a person's life. A sense of security (whether founded or not) also could control a person's life: make a person feel peaceful. What's wrong with feeling peaceful? So what if the trouble still comes later. At least you felt peaceful for a while. Is it good to feel bad all the time BEFORE the trouble comes and to feel bad AFTER the trouble comes? Is it not better to feel peace in blissful ignorance, at least for a while?

 

Fear usually makes us be afraid ahead of things that will never happen to us anyways. So basically instead of enjoying life, we spent it in fear that something bad might happen. Fear doesn't make us prepare for the trouble (in most cases). It only makes our life miserable. And it's all a matter of belief. Reality in some cases is not even relevant. It's about what you believe. That becomes your reality. So if you can make yourself believe that everything will be alright, you will feel happy. (Even though something bad might happen a while later). But so what? At least you had joy for a while....

 

Nothing is wrong with being at peace, but when it's out of denial and hiding from things you don't like, it's not real. It's a fake sense of peace. After doing that, when a person comes back down to reality, all it will do is crush them harder than it would have if they had just accepted the all the facts, both good and bad.

 

I think you should buy ANOTHER notebook, for POSITIVE stuff. Use the cathartic notebook for getting this stuff down, and the POSITIVE notebook to write your goals, and the things you are doing to fix your life.

 

Think back to christianity. Christians use thought terminating cliches to stop themselves following the chain of thought to places that make them uncomfortable.

 

I think you need to adopt the same strategy with some of your negative self talk.

 

It sounds corny, but when you catch yourself having a negative thought, you MUST counter it with something positive. I did it by focussing on my goals, which were pretty tame at the time. Little goals, then big goals. In that order.

 

So, for example, when you think something negative, like "I'm such a failure!" you MUST immediately add "I did a great job on X the other day", or "In a couple of weeks I'll have enough saved for X", or "I'm totally awesome at X task, I should do it more."

 

It sounds stupid, but your repeated negative selftalk is actually brainwashing you and establishing thought behaviours which are damaging you. OBVIOUSLY damaging you. I take it you are thoroughly aware that these thoughts are making you miserable? *channels the Bleeding Obvious fairy*

 

Break the chain of that behaviour. DO it a bit at a time. It does help. It helped me. I didn't even realise sometimes I was doing it, until I got interested in a goal and that goal took over my daydreaming time. As I made progress I realised I wasn't feeling so down about myself, and I wasn't thinking terrible thoughts about myself all the time, because I was focused on something that was making my life better.

 

You can totally do this. You just have to choose whether you want to start right now. Take it a little bit at a time.

 

All those things you listed are quite evident from your previous posts. You DO think for yourself, and you DO have a social conscience. These are great strengths. You should channel them into improving your life.

 

I also expect ANOTHER, completely DIFFERENT list of five awesome things about you. In your next post. No slacking off.

 

I'll try. Might as well give it one more good chance, and give it my 100%. If I fail after that, well... then I'll know that I am a lost cause. But I won't know til I grow a pair and give it my all. After doing that, then I'll know. Then I'll make my decision, of whether I want to live or die.

[Crazy Donna]

Fear itself could be called false, especially if it's unfounded. Yet it exists. And it controls a person's life. A sense of security (whether founded or not) also could control a person's life: make a person feel peaceful. What's wrong with feeling peaceful? So what if the trouble still comes later. At least you felt peaceful for a while. Is it good to feel bad all the time BEFORE the trouble comes and to feel bad AFTER the trouble comes? Is it not better to feel peace in blissful ignorance, at least for a while?

 

Fear usually makes us be afraid ahead of things that will never happen to us anyways. So basically instead of enjoying life, we spent it in fear that something bad might happen. Fear doesn't make us prepare for the trouble (in most cases). It only makes our life miserable. And it's all a matter of belief. Reality in some cases is not even relevant. It's about what you believe. That becomes your reality. So if you can make yourself believe that everything will be alright, you will feel happy. (Even though something bad might happen a while later). But so what? At least you had joy for a while....

 

Nothing is wrong with being at peace, but when it's out of denial and hiding from things you don't like, it's not real. It's a fake sense of peace. After doing that, when a person comes back down to reality, all it will do is crush them harder than it would have if they had just accepted the all the facts, both good and bad.

 

I think you should buy ANOTHER notebook, for POSITIVE stuff. Use the cathartic notebook for getting this stuff down, and the POSITIVE notebook to write your goals, and the things you are doing to fix your life.

 

Think back to christianity. Christians use thought terminating cliches to stop themselves following the chain of thought to places that make them uncomfortable.

 

I think you need to adopt the same strategy with some of your negative self talk.

 

It sounds corny, but when you catch yourself having a negative thought, you MUST counter it with something positive. I did it by focussing on my goals, which were pretty tame at the time. Little goals, then big goals. In that order.

 

So, for example, when you think something negative, like "I'm such a failure!" you MUST immediately add "I did a great job on X the other day", or "In a couple of weeks I'll have enough saved for X", or "I'm totally awesome at X task, I should do it more."

 

It sounds stupid, but your repeated negative selftalk is actually brainwashing you and establishing thought behaviours which are damaging you. OBVIOUSLY damaging you. I take it you are thoroughly aware that these thoughts are making you miserable? *channels the Bleeding Obvious fairy*

 

Break the chain of that behaviour. DO it a bit at a time. It does help. It helped me. I didn't even realise sometimes I was doing it, until I got interested in a goal and that goal took over my daydreaming time. As I made progress I realised I wasn't feeling so down about myself, and I wasn't thinking terrible thoughts about myself all the time, because I was focused on something that was making my life better.

 

You can totally do this. You just have to choose whether you want to start right now. Take it a little bit at a time.

 

All those things you listed are quite evident from your previous posts. You DO think for yourself, and you DO have a social conscience. These are great strengths. You should channel them into improving your life.

 

I also expect ANOTHER, completely DIFFERENT list of five awesome things about you. In your next post. No slacking off.

 

I'll try. Might as well give it one more good chance, and give it my 100%. If I fail after that, well... then I'll know that I am a lost cause. But I won't know til I grow a pair and give it my all. After doing that, then I'll know. Then I'll make my decision, of whether I want to live or die.

This works. You just have to keep at it. Don't give in to your OCD tendencies. You just need to put as much effort into thinking constructive thoughts as you have been into thinking destructive ones. It takes time, and commitment. If you're prepared to give your time and commitment to yourself, you can't fail. If you do, it'll be because you weren't trying hard enough at that time, and you'll just need to have another go. There is no cut off point. Just try again.

[Guest Broken Chains]

There is no cut off point. Just try again.

 

Talking about battling OCD, you're right. But this isn't just about that. It now involves other things, things that have nothing to do with religion. There's something else, something new, that is driving me into that hopeless attitude more than anything. It's true that religion does the same thing, but when dealing with that, even when I felt pissed off, afraid, and hopeless, there was always this tiny shred of hope that I kept in my mind. I almost think the reason I talk about myself in such a worthless and hopeless way is because I'm trying to push myself towards that light. But even when dealing with this fear mongering religious shit, I had a little bit of hope, or I wouldn't even be talking about it. But something else has happened that has taken that small shred of hope away. Maybe it's still there, or maybe it will just take a drastic change in perspective to start seeing it, but I really think that one thing has taken that little bit of hope away from me, leaving me with none. I don't know yet, I guess we'll see.