Update After Coming Out Of The Closet With The Wife

[roadrunner]

A lot of you helped me through and may remeber my story here's the update after coming out...

 

When I first brought it up, I was hoping for a some reassurance from her that she had some doubts too but she really believes it. DANG!! Initially, of course, her plan was to grab the phone and call the pastor. I feared it would lead to being bombarded with prayer groups, gossip about us, and them splashing me with holy water. LOL. Either way and my wife doesnt deserve that level of scrutiny. So I made her promise that this was our little secret and not to tell. She stay quiet for a while. We had to stop every few seconds and cleanup the kids snack and referee so it served as a good tension breaker. Still there were lots of tears and I made it clear that I tried to believe but it doesnt line up with reality. We talked about it off and on until late in the evening. There was a lot of crying on my part. Mainly me venting that I wanted to believe and that god was not there. If he was he watched with folded arms while my family suffered slow deaths of cancer and turned a deaf ear to my prayers. All this hurt her but it was therapy to me. In hindsight she never really had a chance to say her side becuase I had bottled up so much for so long.

 

Later the question came up about how to handle the kids. I figured "hey since I'm out now I can say it like it is now" I told her (in a nice way) that drilling the idea of of an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do and knows what you're thinikng to a young child is the only way to ensure that they stay the course and "believe it" but hopefully eventually everyone will realize how absurd religion is and snap out of it. NOTE TO ALL WHO PLAN ON COMING OUT: DO NOT SAY THAT TO YOUR SPOUSE. Boy did that one strike a nerve. So I backed off with the hard code athiesm and was a little more sympathetic.

 

The next day she called into work out of grief. ..now, there is a limit to how much of this I can take before I have to save a sinking ship. If we're going off the deep end, I'll go back to faking. LOL. So I agreed to read some books on creation that coincide with science. The next day (since we were off work) we went and looked at several books that were supposed to change my mind. My mind was already made up but out of respect I picked up a few books on the topic and they do have material that make you wonder, but nothing that points to the god thats in the bible. they focus on the unknowns and the idea of an intelligent design. Cute, but how do you get from that to a religion that tells you to "wear this, eat this, worship like this, do this, christ this, AHHHH!.

 

When I say that I have an open mind I mean it. Before believing the bible I would believe.....

 

1. people and the universe is basically like bacteria of some larger scale civilization

2. Humans (Us) from the future wen back in to the past and planted us here...theyll be back later to either kill or save us.

3. Something even more silly

4. Something even sillier

 

What Im getting at is that I am agnostic and open minded and as cute as the books were they never give the bible any credibility. I think the bible is the biggest shackle of intelligent design, just when you think it points to a creator, you have to be tethered to the idea of a flat earth and inconsisent events. If some of it is false then its not gods word and all of it is false.

 

 

Anyway, the next day a friend of mine who is a pastor called out of nowhere. without saying HAY IM ATHIEST! I told him about my doubts and explained the scientific evidence that significantly contradicts religions story of creation. He did have some generic answers for my scientific questions and I wasnt impressed becuase it was all stuff that I read when I was in denial. He has a PHD in engineering so he was very understanding when I mentioned that science has something to say about creation. My wife on the other hand comes from a family that thinks science is the DEVIL. So he at least understood where i was coming from.

 

Days went by and she asked if I feel any different. I told her that I feel better and she was more concerned with whether or not everything I said was true and I still felt that was. I told her I was mad and venting and I still have doubts but I'll work on it. So thats where we are. Im this wavering sould who has to be reconvinced. My mind is made up but I still feel obligated to try for my wife. She was really hurt. Thats why I stayed away for so long. It created more of a divide in me that wasnt good. My heart molded on its own without any influence from here. Neil Degrasse Tyson says it well...

 

"Every account of a higher power that I've seen described, of all religions that I've seen, include many statements with regard to the benevolence of that power. When I look at the universe and all the ways the universe wants to kill us, I find it hard to reconcile that with statements of beneficence."

[mcdaddy]

Good luck with it all, dude. I'm pretty much in the same situation. We've had our screaming arguments, she got pissed because I was actually making sense to her and she didn't want to hear things that would sway her. She's happy where she is with her beliefs, and i told her I didnt WANT to change her if she's happy. she drags it out of me sometimes though.

 

now, we basically agree to disagree, although she knows some of what I know and recognizes that there's problems with the faith. i still go to church, even take the lord's supper, although she doesn't really know why. I dont really know either? i guess to make her feel better? who knows. about a year ago i asked her if xianity was bullshit, would you want to know? she said yes. but now that its really a possibility in her mind, she doesnt want to know. i want the truth. the cold hard ugly truth. even if it makes life more difficult and less comforting. she's not there, and thats fine. people are different.

 

Again, good luck. i know EXACTLY what you're going through.

 

McD

[mymistake]

Best of luck to both of you. It's a shame that religion does this to families.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Good luck with it all, dude. I'm pretty much in the same situation. We've had our screaming arguments, she got pissed because I was actually making sense to her and she didn't want to hear things that would sway her. She's happy where she is with her beliefs, and i told her I didnt WANT to change her if she's happy. she drags it out of me sometimes though.

 

now, we basically agree to disagree, although she knows some of what I know and recognizes that there's problems with the faith. i still go to church, even take the lord's supper, although she doesn't really know why. I dont really know either? i guess to make her feel better? who knows. about a year ago i asked her if xianity was bullshit, would you want to know? she said yes. but now that its really a possibility in her mind, she doesnt want to know. i want the truth. the cold hard ugly truth. even if it makes life more difficult and less comforting. she's not there, and thats fine. people are different.

 

Again, good luck. i know EXACTLY what you're going through.

 

McD

 

When people are put in front of the chasm of truth, and have to take that jump, MANY opt to go back to the diseased village and suffer. There are nights I still lay awake and wonder about death and it all being gone that I know. But the more I have seriously pondered on it, I realize it is the MOMENT of death that frightens me more than anything. And that is my self preservation kicking in. That is my selfish little animal brain saying,"Whoa whoa WHOA!" Ultimately, I think I am enjoying life more. I used to do all my good little deeds, and 98% of me was doing it myself, but there was always that 2% thinking about my faith. Now it is 100% me, and I love that freedom. I love the confidence in myself as an individual. I find watching religious services fascinating. It is like being transported back to earlier ages that we can only READ about in mythology. I'm more appreciative thanks to the crap religious belief had put me through, and I guess on some levels, it did enhance my life more now.

 

Hopefully your wife will come around, or at least venture out a little bit. Seems like she started too. It's just that jump. It is intimidating to say the least.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

A lot of you helped me through and may remeber my story here's the update after coming out...

 

When I first brought it up, I was hoping for a some reassurance from her that she had some doubts too but she really believes it. DANG!! Initially, of course, her plan was to grab the phone and call the pastor. I feared it would lead to being bombarded with prayer groups, gossip about us, and them splashing me with holy water. LOL. Either way and my wife doesnt deserve that level of scrutiny. So I made her promise that this was our little secret and not to tell. She stay quiet for a while. We had to stop every few seconds and cleanup the kids snack and referee so it served as a good tension breaker. Still there were lots of tears and I made it clear that I tried to believe but it doesnt line up with reality. We talked about it off and on until late in the evening. There was a lot of crying on my part. Mainly me venting that I wanted to believe and that god was not there. If he was he watched with folded arms while my family suffered slow deaths of cancer and turned a deaf ear to my prayers. All this hurt her but it was therapy to me. In hindsight she never really had a chance to say her side becuase I had bottled up so much for so long.

 

Later the question came up about how to handle the kids. I figured "hey since I'm out now I can say it like it is now" I told her (in a nice way) that drilling the idea of of an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do and knows what you're thinikng to a young child is the only way to ensure that they stay the course and "believe it" but hopefully eventually everyone will realize how absurd religion is and snap out of it. NOTE TO ALL WHO PLAN ON COMING OUT: DO NOT SAY THAT TO YOUR SPOUSE. Boy did that one strike a nerve. So I backed off with the hard code athiesm and was a little more sympathetic.

 

The next day she called into work out of grief. ..now, there is a limit to how much of this I can take before I have to save a sinking ship. If we're going off the deep end, I'll go back to faking. LOL. So I agreed to read some books on creation that coincide with science. The next day (since we were off work) we went and looked at several books that were supposed to change my mind. My mind was already made up but out of respect I picked up a few books on the topic and they do have material that make you wonder, but nothing that points to the god thats in the bible. they focus on the unknowns and the idea of an intelligent design. Cute, but how do you get from that to a religion that tells you to "wear this, eat this, worship like this, do this, christ this, AHHHH!.

 

When I say that I have an open mind I mean it. Before believing the bible I would believe.....

 

1. people and the universe is basically like bacteria of some larger scale civilization

2. Humans (Us) from the future wen back in to the past and planted us here...theyll be back later to either kill or save us.

3. Something even more silly

4. Something even sillier

 

What Im getting at is that I am agnostic and open minded and as cute as the books were they never give the bible any credibility. I think the bible is the biggest shackle of intelligent design, just when you think it points to a creator, you have to be tethered to the idea of a flat earth and inconsisent events. If some of it is false then its not gods word and all of it is false.

 

 

Anyway, the next day a friend of mine who is a pastor called out of nowhere. without saying HAY IM ATHIEST! I told him about my doubts and explained the scientific evidence that significantly contradicts religions story of creation. He did have some generic answers for my scientific questions and I wasnt impressed becuase it was all stuff that I read when I was in denial. He has a PHD in engineering so he was very understanding when I mentioned that science has something to say about creation. My wife on the other hand comes from a family that thinks science is the DEVIL. So he at least understood where i was coming from.

 

Days went by and she asked if I feel any different. I told her that I feel better and she was more concerned with whether or not everything I said was true and I still felt that was. I told her I was mad and venting and I still have doubts but I'll work on it. So thats where we are. Im this wavering sould who has to be reconvinced. My mind is made up but I still feel obligated to try for my wife. She was really hurt. Thats why I stayed away for so long. It created more of a divide in me that wasnt good. My heart molded on its own without any influence from here. Neil Degrasse Tyson says it well...

 

"Every account of a higher power that I've seen described, of all religions that I've seen, include many statements with regard to the benevolence of that power. When I look at the universe and all the ways the universe wants to kill us, I find it hard to reconcile that with statements of beneficence."

 

I wanted to kind of chat about the issue with how your children are being brought up in religion.

 

I had a fanatical first husband. I mean, the whole nine yards fanatical. Telling me I should be stoned for being remarried fanatical.

 

ANYWAYS...here's my take, and this is what I did so that I could deconvert my children without getting rocks thrown at me...literally.

 

Spend more one on one time with your children whenever possible. I recommend individually. Whether it be on nature walks, library trips whatever, there are always opportunities. And ironically, deconverting with young children isn't nearly as hard as indoctrination in my opinion.

 

These one on one times should be spent in careful conversation. Let's say you take one child out for a walk at night. Stars are twinkling. You talk about constellations. Scientifically. NEVER mention God, Heaven or Angels. Then the names of those constellations. Where did those names come from. It just branches off into more and more conversation about things OTHER than jebus. If you have an older child, discuss world news. THIS is fantastic with teenagers. I think this is where my own parents went wrong with me. Once I realized that the world was bigger than my hometown, the battle was pretty much lost. So many questions that cannot be answered away with a simple "Pray for them".

 

All of these little converations with objective but EDUCATING content add up in those spongy little brains. And they form their own ideas much sooner. Granted, when the kids are teens there will be fireworks between them and the religious parent, but just be supportive of both sides. THAT IS POSSIBLE. My ex understood that I wasn't trying to take God from his children (as far as he knows), he understands his children are "lost" (which is their own boundary they will have to learn to set), and he loves them unconditionally anyway.

 

I think that committing quiet loving espionage isn't a bad way to help stop the indoctrination of children. I'm sorry, but I see it as emotional abuse to teach a child the bible at such a young age. If my kids really want to know about God, they are welcome to do so when they are old enough to keep their bearings and not get taken advantage of. Until then, NONE of them will set foot in a church without me there.

[Tony73]

I had been hoping to hear an update of your situation. I'll keep you in my _thoughts_, not prayers.

 

I don't think you'll be happy "pretending" to consider the redevelopment of your faith, but it may be a somewhat harmless option for now if you want to save the marriage. Patience and compassion. (Which reminds me, I've subscribed to the Dalai Llama on Facebook and his weekly motivational quotes are very helpful. They are based not on converting people Buddhism at all; he shows himself to be a great humanist, and promotes compassion above all. One thing I figured out is that it seems humanism is the OPPOSITE of Christianity. Christianity is always out to get mankind and mans' accomplishments. Nothing we ever do is good enough - all is for the glory of Christ or is worthless. But I digress.)

 

I know some "unequally yoked" couples and it is hard for the xtian to deal with an "unsaved" partner, but they seem to stay together. (Ironically I've seen more "equally yoked" Christian couples have a cheating partner!) Annoying how religion always makes relationships much more difficult and serious than they need to be.

 

You might want to ease her in to your point-of-view, and be open to however many questions (or rebukes!) she provides. My journey out was helped along by Youtube videos on evolution and geology. Maybe some of this would help crack the wall around your wife, but be sure to preview the videos before showing her, as many are offensive and not helpful.

 

The one thing that began my wall crumbling down was the realization that some of the bible is probably written errantlly. If some of it is faulty, maybe more of it is? Then that allowed me to re-think the portrayal of God, especially in the OT. In fact, it freed up the questions I had for decades: why did God really have to command the deaths of all those people instead of even offering forgiveness? Why a blood sacrifice at all? Why set up a "love me or die eternal death and torture" rule?

 

One Youtube set of videos was an amusing animated series called "An Atheist Reads the Bible" http://www.youtube.com/user/43alley

 

There are many other resources that helped me prepare to come out to my wife, whom I thought was a Christian. Well eventually I came out, though she had begun to suspect and assume I was an atheist after several months. Then she came out herself - she told me she was a "god-guided white witch" who believes in astrology, fortune-telling and reincarnation! She is not religious and believes in free spiritual expression.

 

I count myself lucky that we never have to deal with the "unequally yoked" problem, so this is where my beaing able to relate to your situation ends. Excepting that you mentioned you're agnostic, and I suppose I am too. I used to be athiest, but I've decided that there is potential for more mystery to the universe. I believe that some kind of "higher power" is possible, but to call "him" "God" is hurtful to me.

 

Anyway, I hope I helped a bit. I may have some more ideas, so keep us posted!

 

-Tolek

[Positivist]

rr, thanks for the update. Deconversion certainly puts us in a dreadful position. Back when I was a fundy, I'm not sure what would scare me more: my partner losing his faith (and thus, in my view, undergoing a complete transformation to werewolf or something), or finding out Christianity is not true. Both were terrifying to consider.

 

Now that it's me doing the de-converting though....it sure looks different from this side. My husband has been so gracious. Because the events in our lives have also challenged him and his faith, he is no longer a fundy but not yet an agnostic. (DANG!) We talk a lot so I hope I can nudge him further towards agnostic.

 

Anyhow, I really respect you for being willing to do whatever it takes for your wife. I hope there is some way she can come to some realizations about reality...

 

More power to you, roadrunner!

[roadrunner]

just to make it clear. My mind is made up.Im pure "agno" I feel like theres just too much we dont know to make a hard core athiest declaration, yet we know enough to dismiss the idea of any credibility in the bible quaran mormon or anything like that. Id even go so far as to say that there is no eveidence of anything out there that cares about us. I am reading material for my marriage's sake. It shows my wife that I at least made some sort of effort to try to get some answers. even if my mind is made up. She fears for my soul and just so she doesnt lose her mind I gave the books a shot. But like I said earlier its all bologna. All religion to me is bologna. I'll be glad when society wont have to go through this battle like we did.

[jdog]

I am so sorry that it's been so hard. It is sad that religion does this. I appreciate you updating. I came in here to check up on you because I was wondering how things were going. I hope that things will calm down for you guys and it won't be such an issue. I know you must be feeling free for getting all this off your shoulders though.

 

How have the past couple of Sundays been for you? Did you go to church or you stayed at home?

[TotalWreck]

just to make it clear. My mind is made up.Im pure "agno" I feel like theres just too much we dont know to make a hard core athiest declaration, yet we know enough to dismiss the idea of any credibility in the bible quaran mormon or anything like that. Id even go so far as to say that there is no eveidence of anything out there that cares about us. I am reading material for my marriage's sake. It shows my wife that I at least made some sort of effort to try to get some answers. even if my mind is made up. She fears for my soul and just so she doesnt lose her mind I gave the books a shot. But like I said earlier its all bologna. All religion to me is bologna. I'll be glad when society wont have to go through this battle like we did.

 

Question: Did you give her some books to read so that she can see your point of view and where you're coming from? It seems only fair, and might help her understand why you feel the way you do.

[stryper]

It's going to be a rough road ahead roadrunner, but many have done it before. Ultimately, you must be true to yourself to be truly happy. The wife will either grow with you or not. Just from what you have posted here, I would make the suggestion of perhaps some couples counseling. It may help your wife deal with the worry and other emotions that are happening, plus it may help give you some extra tools to work with your wife on this journey.

 

:suddenly hears Don't stop believing oh the irony:

 

Some other resources you might use. Ex-c member prplfox has a great series on youtube about his deconversion. Evid3nc3 is also great. Both of these guys come from the position of believing and having doubts. Evid3nc3 actually started studying the history of the bible more to prove a professor wrong. Didn't quite work out the way he planned.

[ConureDelSol]

It's going to be a rough road ahead roadrunner, but many have done it before. Ultimately, you must be true to yourself to be truly happy. The wife will either grow with you or not. Just from what you have posted here, I would make the suggestion of perhaps some couples counseling. It may help your wife deal with the worry and other emotions that are happening, plus it may help give you some extra tools to work with your wife on this journey.

 

:suddenly hears Don't stop believing oh the irony:

 

Some other resources you might use. Ex-c member prplfox has a great series on youtube about his deconversion. Evid3nc3 is also great. Both of these guys come from the position of believing and having doubts. Evid3nc3 actually started studying the history of the bible more to prove a professor wrong. Didn't quite work out the way he planned.

 

Curse you Stryper! Now I have Journey stuck in my head!

 

I agree that she should read or look at some of the material that has convinced you. If she won't look at your stuff, you shouldn't need to look at her's. Either way, eventually she probably will call the pastor. There are certain things believers just can't keep as secrets. Be prepared for that.

[Akheia]

Roadrunner, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your family today. It's terrible to have such a conflict in the one place that's supposed to be your sanctuary from the world. I hope you two can find a resolution.

[traveller2]

my heart goes out to you freind.Tho I am separated from my wife I never went thru this.she told me after asking for the divorce that I'd caused her to become offended by god;the inference being that I would have a special place in hell for causing her to lose her faith.Lovely woman....

 

From what you say your wife is finding it tough:I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot we would be the same tho.However its not and you are going thru it.Looks like you have some real good freinds here who do know exactly what you are going thru and I hope you'll get comfort and help from them.

[roadrunner]

I have been reading the books like a said and I find it painful to read. My wife has asked how the progress is going but I cant read it, Life is too short to waste time on hogwash. I told her I have been reading some and she is seeing now that I am a HUGE skeptic in Xianity. Every sunday after church I comment on how emotional it was and why on earth some one would let a 4 year old get saved. THEY DONT UNDERSTAND SALVATION. THATS INDOCTRINATION. I dont get it at 30 but the premise of Xianity is you dont have to "get it" just "believe it". I wanted to vomit when she stepped foward there was even a weird look on the pastors face. They asked her "do you believe blah blah blah..." and I said "how could she say that . heri bet her parents are proud of their little soldier. there was a time when I would have thought "wow that child will have chist by her side when she goes through life" Now I see it as "this kid is screwed....we'll be chatting with her on here 20 years from now" I went on and on. and since my kids were born I have always shown them the science behind weather, stars, nature. I never once said god did it. My wife tried once and I gave a dirty look and we both knew it was her trying to edge in some god where he wasnt needed. of course this was before I came out to her and now she is slowly putting the pieces together. and now we just dont mention it. it will come up again soon since we've had our talk. Ill contiue to keep u all posted

[roadrunner]

Just to add to the story.. I should note that we have always had a good marriage and we still do. We just have this FAT elephant in the room. I think it hurts her to bring it up. eventually its going to come up again.

[Positivist]

Thanks for the update, rr. I hope you find good company here and solid progress at home!

[midniterider]

just to make it clear. My mind is made up.Im pure "agno" I feel like theres just too much we dont know to make a hard core athiest declaration, yet we know enough to dismiss the idea of any credibility in the bible quaran mormon or anything like that. Id even go so far as to say that there is no eveidence of anything out there that cares about us. I am reading material for my marriage's sake. It shows my wife that I at least made some sort of effort to try to get some answers. even if my mind is made up. She fears for my soul and just so she doesnt lose her mind I gave the books a shot. But like I said earlier its all bologna. All religion to me is bologna. I'll be glad when society wont have to go through this battle like we did.

 

As long as your religious opinion does not cause you fear or guilt you are on the right track. If or when it does cause you guilt, fear or some other problem or it just isn't working anymore then it is time to change something. Sample a variety of systems of thought and belief and take from them what you like and toss the rest out.

[Tony73]

just to make it clear. My mind is made up.Im pure "agno" I feel like theres just too much we dont know to make a hard core athiest declaration, yet we know enough to dismiss the idea of any credibility in the bible quaran mormon or anything like that. Id even go so far as to say that there is no eveidence of anything out there that cares about us. I am reading material for my marriage's sake. It shows my wife that I at least made some sort of effort to try to get some answers. even if my mind is made up. She fears for my soul and just so she doesnt lose her mind I gave the books a shot. But like I said earlier its all bologna. All religion to me is bologna. I'll be glad when society wont have to go through this battle like we did.

 

As long as your religious opinion does not cause you fear or guilt you are on the right track. If or when it does cause you guilt, fear or some other problem or it just isn't working anymore then it is time to change something. Sample a variety of systems of thought and belief and take from them what you like and toss the rest out.

 

I like that - short and simple: if it causes fear or guilt, it is a problematic belief.

[roadrunner]

So about two months ago I told my wife that I was having trouble believing that there was a god and the shock put her in what I think is denial since I told her I would do some research and she the topic has been non existent in the house since then...until last night. I chose to act like a skeptic so my coming out could be padded by my actions up until then. Well last night she asked why I didn't pray with the kids and I told her that I thought it didn't work. It wdetect. as 2 months ago all over again. It is tempting to fake it when u see ur wife hurt like that.but would have to die and people thought I was a Xi'an. I want to be remembered as a free thinker who questioned everything. But her conversation to me has been limited she even started reading the bible and told me that I'm not the man she married which is sad but true. She said I came off like robot with no emotion. The thing I said that did go well was " I can't stand the thought of putting u and the kids in second place to something I can't even see and feel so I'm out kinda to my wife I wanted to limit the extent of damage but I wanted to put my disbelief on the

[buffettphan]

" I can't stand the thought of putting u and the kids in second place.... "

 

Good for you! As an ex-c'er married to a believer, I can't tell you how long I've wanted to hear those words from my DH. Never.Gonna.Happen.

[Akheia]

I really think that a lot of Christians marry the person they think their spouses are. Most young marrieds I knew back in my fundie days were woefully unprepared for the nuts-and-bolts of marriage and likely doomed to misery and failure purely because of how little they really knew and understood about the person they thought God had picked out. How much did one need to know?, went the reasoning--if God picked him/her out, obviously this was the best possible choice! My engagement, at several years' length, was an absolute aberration in my church; most people were married within months of meeting each other. I'm totally not kidding. Only one couple of all the people I knew actually seemed basically compatible and that was because they were hollowed-out husks of Godbots with no personalities of their own anymore (and thus no sources of conflict provided both remained very zealous).

 

So it's not a big surprise that your wife, RR, said something that sad and hurtful to you. A big part of her own healing and peace is going to come from coming to grips with not getting the Happily Ever After ending she's been conditioned to want. Mourning something that might have been will pass, and then hopefully she'll have seen plenty about the real Happily Ever After she can look forward to. You're still the same man, though. All that changed is that now she's looking at *you* and not at you-as-seen-through-her-fingers-over-her-face.

[roadrunner]

Looking at my last post the phone along with word prediction butchered what i wanted to say...

 

ok so the first half of today she probably said 5 words to me. She offered to go and buy some books on the topic but I dont want to hear beating around the bush answers that ultimately land you at "just have faith". Another thing that came up in our serious conversation was me saying "I wouldnt dare open my mouth about it if I thought I was wrong. I am where I stand because Ive seen the facts" so she wants me to go public with it. I think she says this out of anger and disbelief she felt unequipped to answer my questions. i hate to see her brainwashed like this. I thougtht that the hard part would be telling her but now that she knows its tough to know the next move. I'll jusst take it day by day.

[Akheia]

I wouldn't want to read those books either. You don't have to have to work your ass off just to "make" her realize your de-conversion is okay. If she doesn't already realize that you're an adult and allowed to feel however you want about religion, then no amount of book-reading of boring apologeticists is going to change her mind. I really hope that this detente allows her to have the space she needs to finish mourning her expectations.

[★ Citsonga ★]

So I agreed to read some books on creation that coincide with science. The next day (since we were off work) we went and looked at several books that were supposed to change my mind. My mind was already made up but out of respect I picked up a few books on the topic

 

Isn't it interesting how Christians want us to read books from their viewpoint, as if we've never heard it before? Beyond that, if the Bible is the inspired Word of God and the Holy Spirit is the one who opens they eyes, then why is there a need for additional books to explain what God can't explain well? The whole thing completely undermines the concept of Christianity being from God.

 

she should read or look at some of the material that has convinced you. If she won't look at your stuff, you shouldn't need to look at her's.

 

This exactly. The stuff she wants you to read is stuff that you've probably already heard time and time again, while I'm sure there's stuff she could read from your perspective that she's never heard before. This should not be a one-way scenario with her getting off scott-free. She needs to be every bit as open minded as she expects you to be, or else she's not playing fairly.

 

Another thing that came up in our serious conversation was me saying "I wouldnt dare open my mouth about it if I thought I was wrong. I am where I stand because Ive seen the facts" so she wants me to go public with it. I think she says this out of anger and disbelief she felt unequipped to answer my questions.

 

Perhaps she wants you to go public with it so all your Christian acquaintances will rally to her defense. You may be overwhelmed if they gang up on you. It's up to you to determine whether or not you can handle that.