I Just Feel Like I'm Dead Or May As Well Be.

[Melancholy]

I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.

 

I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My mother is very controlling of me, even though I'm an adult. Typical ultra Conservative Christian. I have Bipolar II and so I have been very easy to "control" and have had trouble starting my own life- so I still live at home. Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

A male friend invited me down to see him in Kitchener, Ontario for the weekend and I was just ecstatic.I really like him and I think we will have a great time. Being an adult, I made my plans and casually told my parents I would be gone for the weekend. They flipped the fuck out and "forbid" me from seeing him. Worse yet? My mother thinks I am hypomanic and wants me to go on more medication...Specifically, Effexor, which in the past made me so depressed I could not get out of bed.

 

Basically, my mother thinks I am a whore. I just want to go see my friend- I don't even plan on sleeping with him (but if it happens, whatever, I'm protected. Also, what business is it of my mother's?). He is a boxer and he wants to show me how to box. I want to have my own life one day, like a normal person...But how am I supposed to be able to do that when I'm not even allowed to make my own plans to see friends at 23 years old? I just feel like killing myself, because I will never be free.

 

My mom wants me to stay in this little town of 1000 people, marry a total legalistic asshole, settle down and have babies. Actually, not even that. She wants me to shut up, have little church friends and never get married. Just be Jesus's bride. I can't live this way anymore. It's not a life. Am I crazy?

[RipVanWinkle]

It's tough having bipolar. Then add a controlling mother, you must be very frustrated. I agree with

Burnedout. Get the hell out of that home as soon as you can. If circumstances prevent you from doing that

now, then create a feasible plan to do that in the future. I don't know the details of your circumtances.

Perhaps you can provide more details about yourself so that people here could possibly give you some

suggestions. A lot of knowledge and experience are at this site. Like have you gone to college, do you

have a degree and if so in what? Do you have siblings with whom you are close, or perhaps cousins?

What is the practicality of living with your boyfriend? (I'm not suggesting it; just asking.) What

limitations does your mental condition place on you with respect to working and other things?

 

This info will possibly get a dialogue going which may help. Hang in there and good luck. bill

[mymistake]

Join the Coat Guard or Canadian Navy or some other place that will take you away from your mom.  Get yourself some money and live on your own.  It gets better.

[Galien]

I'd run fast, you have enough to deal with having bipolar, I'd just get the hell out. Would be interesting to see how much your symptoms improve away from mummy dearest.

[Blake]

Nope, you're not crazy. Well, you're only as crazy as we bipolar types tend to get from time to time.
 

Your mom, though -- she seems a little off. To hell with that "bride of Jesus" nonsense, you have a life to live. Further, there is NO WAY you have a "spiritual issue"! Christianity is a spiritual issue. It crushes people's spirits and forces the remains into a fittingly cross-shaped box of torture. It breaks people down to keep them dependent on it. It's like a doctor who breaks your leg and offers you a crutch.

 

This will all get better. Much faster, though, if you get out on your own. Any chance of buddying up with a roommate and splitting some bills? I do know how hard a career life can be with "the disorder", but it's a lot less stressful to be independent and free to be left to your own devices.

 

A lot of mania and depression can be triggered by stress. Like Galien said, I'd be willing to bet you'd do so much better away from Mom.

[amateur]

Please don't give up.

 

I do think your mother and doctor sound very scary and controlling.

 

Are you not going to visit your friend because your mother forbids it, or are you going anyway?  Could you possibly go for a day at first, rather than over night (or stay at a halfway point overnight as I'm sure it's a long trip).  Maybe using baby-steps to get away from your mother and have her get used to you gaining your (much deserved) freedom slowly?  For instance, does your mom know your friend?  Can he talk to her on the phone?  Visit you at your house first?

 

I'm not defending your mother, but she is not only being controlling (she is) but she's also being (over) protective of you as you have been diagnosed with Bipolar II.  So maybe some baby-steps to show her that you can handle things on your own?  Tell her gently that you're going to need some freedom to get a job, have friends that you will visit, and can choose your own doctor.  Make steps to do those things.  If she can't handle it and only wants you to stay a baby, then tell her you will need to go.  I also understand that if she is totally unreasonable, none of that will work.

 

Now that you're an adult, can you choose another doctor yourself that isn't out of touch with actual medical practices?  The doctor sounds like a nightmare and well beyond unprofessional.

[new2me]

Melancholy - I hope you can break away from your parents and start your own life, and also get the medical assistance you need.  You're 23 years old.  You need to be able to make your own decisions about your own life.

[RankStranger]

You're an adult.  You've got to set boundaries and get some control in your life- anybody would be miserable in your situation.

 

Moving out would be a good start.  It might suck... but probably less than killing yourself.

[rain]

 Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

Hi Melancholy, so sorry to hear of your struggles with mental health and a controlling mother at the same time.

I would suggest trying to find a different doctor, a psychiatrist who is secular or at least not outright Christian., and then apply for disability benefits with http://www.mcss.gov.on.ca/en/mcss/programs/social/odsp/income_support/eligibility/disability_Health.aspx. This could give you time to get your life in order and get out from under the control of your mother. Hope this helps.

[TrueFreedom]

What do you expect to happen if you go anyway?  Do you have anywhere to go if she kicks you out?  I think that you should remind her that you are a grown woman and do what you need to do.

[Deva]

I know where you are coming from with controlling parents.  Get as far away from them as you can. Don't blame yourself or look back. Just find a way to get as many miles away as possible.  A new life awaits you there.  You have glimpsed the possibilities with the visit to your friend, now I say go for it.   I totally agree with the others that the only way is to get out. Then you have a life of your own.  You really do have to do the inner fight to do it, but it can be done.

 

See how willing your friend is to help you. I mean do everything you can, if not your friend, or other friends, go to social agencies.

[Guest ThereIsNoGod]

I honestly don't know what you could do except get the fuck out of there let mom deal with it. Maybe it'll cause pain, but it could be worse if you stay there. I don't know. Your friend teaching you how to box sounds like it's something that could be really helpful to you, with gaining self-confidence in the face of oppression. I don't know the guy obviously, but maybe the fact he wants to teach you boxing says something about his respect for women. 

[Margee]

We Are powerless honey when we let others control us. Keep very quiet and make a get-a way plan. Work out all the details..... every last one. Even a letter you might leave your family until you get situated and can talk 'adult' to her.  Nobody has to know and it will make you feel very powerful!! Start right now!!! It will make you feel strong. We are only victims if we choose to be. Unless we are tied up and duck taped, there is hope!! 

 

I fight this all the time. I do everything in my power not to let anyone walk over me again. And yes, it is a little scary. And yes, sometimes you have to be a bit of a bitch. With each time you 'take your life back' you get a little stronger for the next incident. I am looking forward to hearing a good report!!!! C'mon-you can do this hon!

 

Huge *hugs* to you tonight.

[Denyoz]

Margee is right.  And all the others too.  Plan your escape, in secret.  See a different doctor, ask him to refer you to a counsellor who is not Christian and who does not know your parents.  Keep writing, it will keep your mind focused.  You are not alone.  Many of us are caught in situations we hate.  Dream of freedom and you will get it.
 
And watch Tangled, the 2010 Disney movie, it will inspire you

[RipVanWinkle]

Melancholy: The comments above are right on target. The main theme running through the above posts is:

TALE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. Until you do so, you will be somebody else's pawn. It is the first passage to adulthood and it must be done.Your are old enough and you really can do it. In every parent-child

relationship there comes a time when the child becomes her own boss, Otherwise, she will continue to be a child. good luck. bill

[Margee]

Here's a good reminder hon.....

 

...........you are not anyone's puppet!!!   No one!!

[Melancholy]

 

I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.

 

I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My mother is very controlling of me, even though I'm an adult. Typical ultra Conservative Christian. I have Bipolar II and so I have been very easy to "control" and have had trouble starting my own life- so I still live at home. Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

A male friend invited me down to see him in Kitchener, Ontario for the weekend and I was just ecstatic.I really like him and I think we will have a great time. Being an adult, I made my plans and casually told my parents I would be gone for the weekend. They flipped the fuck out and "forbid" me from seeing him. Worse yet? My mother thinks I am hypomanic and wants me to go on more medication...Specifically, Effexor, which in the past made me so depressed I could not get out of bed.

 

Basically, my mother thinks I am a whore. I just want to go see my friend- I don't even plan on sleeping with him (but if it happens, whatever, I'm protected. Also, what business is it of my mother's?). He is a boxer and he wants to show me how to box. I want to have my own life one day, like a normal person...But how am I supposed to be able to do that when I'm not even allowed to make my own plans to see friends at 23 years old? I just feel like killing myself, because I will never be free.

 

My mom wants me to stay in this little town of 1000 people, marry a total legalistic asshole, settle down and have babies. Actually, not even that. She wants me to shut up, have little church friends and never get married. Just be Jesus's bride. I can't live this way anymore. It's not a life. Am I crazy?

 

If you are of legal age, why can you not get your own job and get out on your own?  I am not Canadian, but I know there is R.S.Martin on here who lives I don't think too far from you in Southern Ontario.  She broke away and is a former Old Order Mennonite, practically as conservative as Amish.  Her parents were WAY more conservative than your folks.  Maybe you should talk with her?  She might be able to tell you where to go and legally handle becoming free from your parents in Ontario and dealing with Canadian laws.  WOW.  Good Luck!

 

That would be really helpful! Could I message her on here?

[Melancholy]

Margee is right.  And all the others too.  Plan your escape, in secret.  See a different doctor, ask him to refer you to a counsellor who is not Christian and who does not know your parents.  Keep writing, it will keep your mind focused.  You are not alone.  Many of us are caught in situations we hate.  Dream of freedom and you will get it.

 

And watch Tangled, the 2010 Disney movie, it will inspire you

 

 

Actually, I did watch Tangled, and this song is EXACTLY like my family...

[Melancholy]

We Are powerless honey when we let others control us. Keep very quiet and make a get-a way plan. Work out all the details..... every last one. Even a letter you might leave your family until you get situated and can talk 'adult' to her.  Nobody has to know and it will make you feel very powerful!! Start right now!!! It will make you feel strong. We are only victims if we choose to be. Unless we are tied up and duck taped, there is hope!! 

 

I fight this all the time. I do everything in my power not to let anyone walk over me again. And yes, it is a little scary. And yes, sometimes you have to be a bit of a bitch. With each time you 'take your life back' you get a little stronger for the next incident. I am looking forward to hearing a good report!!!! C'mon-you can do this hon!

 

Huge *hugs* to you tonight.

 

 

Thanks a lot. I am working up on saving money to move out because I can't stand it anymore. My Dad is under the opinion that it is wrong for me to move out because he provides everything for me...I asked him if it would be okay to pay my own phonebill and he said he would rather not even if I really wanted to. He is under the opinion that because I live in his house and he pays for me, I should not be unhappy and do whatever he says.

 

I am miserable this way, and to be honest, shocked. I had a conversation about it tonight and I just can't believe how bad it actually is. You can imagine how hard it is for me trying to fight it because I am made to feel like moving out is wrong and I have been this way my whole life. I just don't know what to do. I'm terrifed of leaving but I know I have to go. If I go on like this, I'll kill myself. I feel ashamed and guilty but my friends tell me it is not me...That normal adults should move out and be able to pay for themselves.

 

I don't want to lose my family but more than that I am terrified that I will fall back and need to move back home. I don't know what to do.

[mymistake]

 

I don't want to lose my family but more than that I am terrified that I will fall back and need to move back home. I don't know what to do.

 

 

Don't worry about losing your family.  You need some time away from them to get an objective point of view.  Then after you think about it for a while you can let them have contact on your terms.

[R. S. Martin]

 

 

 

I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.

 

I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My mother is very controlling of me, even though I'm an adult. Typical ultra Conservative Christian. I have Bipolar II and so I have been very easy to "control" and have had trouble starting my own life- so I still live at home. Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

A male friend invited me down to see him in Kitchener, Ontario for the weekend and I was just ecstatic.I really like him and I think we will have a great time. Being an adult, I made my plans and casually told my parents I would be gone for the weekend. They flipped the fuck out and "forbid" me from seeing him. Worse yet? My mother thinks I am hypomanic and wants me to go on more medication...Specifically, Effexor, which in the past made me so depressed I could not get out of bed.

 

Basically, my mother thinks I am a whore. I just want to go see my friend- I don't even plan on sleeping with him (but if it happens, whatever, I'm protected. Also, what business is it of my mother's?). He is a boxer and he wants to show me how to box. I want to have my own life one day, like a normal person...But how am I supposed to be able to do that when I'm not even allowed to make my own plans to see friends at 23 years old? I just feel like killing myself, because I will never be free.

 

My mom wants me to stay in this little town of 1000 people, marry a total legalistic asshole, settle down and have babies. Actually, not even that. She wants me to shut up, have little church friends and never get married. Just be Jesus's bride. I can't live this way anymore. It's not a life. Am I crazy?

If you are of legal age, why can you not get your own job and get out on your own? I am not Canadian, but I know there is R.S.Martin on here who lives I don't think too far from you in Southern Ontario. She broke away and is a former Old Order Mennonite, practically as conservative as Amish. Her parents were WAY more conservative than your folks. Maybe you should talk with her? She might be able to tell you where to go and legally handle becoming free from your parents in Ontario and dealing with Canadian laws. WOW. Good Luck!

That would be really helpful! Could I message her on here?

Yes...just go look up in the index that lists registered members alphabetically. She is 'R.S.Martin'. There is a PM (personal message) system on this forum board. She may know where to send you for information that will make it easier to know what you must do to break away.

 

 

Got your PM, Burnedout, and consequently found this thread. I'll pm Melancholy now.

[RipVanWinkle]

Melancholy: Most young adults who come here and are being controlled by their parents are told by then

that "As long as you live in my house and support you, you have to follow my rules."

You're parents are saying , in effect, "Stay home. Follow my rules." That's what their

really saying. That's also saying you are a prisoner. That's indefensible. You're not.

Your parents want to keep you as their little girl. But IT'S YOUR LIFE." You can make it on your own. bill

[florduh]

You must leave. Now.

 

I know there are complications with bipolar, but nothing will ever improve until you move away. Some people don't know how to be proper parents, and they do irreparable harm to their children. It's not your fault, and perhaps it isn't even their fault, but you must get out regardless of immediate consequences. It could literally save your life.

 

Keep us posted when you can, and best of luck to you. You can have full trust in your "Canadian Connection" you found here.

[jdog]

Hi Melancholy.

I concur with everyone here.

 

You can do this. You can get out. It will be ok. You will be ok.

 

Once you have distanced yourself you will be able to see a lot more clearly. Who knows even the bipolar condition you have may improve because you won't be subjected to mind games and controlling by your parents.

 

Reach out for help. It's there for you.

Face any fears head on and just do it!

 

Good luck to you.

[Jedah]

Move out. No matter how hard it is to do so or how much work it takes to find a job, you need to move out.

 

Many of us on this site, including myself, have been in the exact same situation you are in. Everything gets better after you leave. Even if you have to take a generic customer service job and live in a small apartment in some city, you will start to feel better simply because you will have control of your life. Without having control of your life, it is very easy to become unable to see meaning in your life, so you need to move out first. After you have left the sense of peace and purpose you seek will follow shortly.