Continuing Fear...

[Sawu]

Okay, so I don't understand what the hell is going on with me these days. I continue to have a fear of eternal damnation, despite acknowledging that something that atrocious is more likely to be false than true. Often, I think "What if the Christian hell is real?" Once in a while, I think, "What if some *other* system's hell is real?" The concept of eternal damnation is obviously one that was strongly etched into my mind- I can't get rid of it no matter what I tell myself. And trust me, I *have* been trying to deprogram myself from this horrendous idea. Despite its atrocity and sheer illogicity, I cannot rid myself of it. I often am afraid of death, to this day. On occasion I am not- and I'm happy when these rare occasions come up. But mostly, I dread my dying moment, for fear I'll either revert dishonestly, or have, "I shall be damned!" as my final thought.

 

Now, here's the other thing that's been going on with me: I've been starting to despise mainstream Christianity more and more. The god of that system is a sadist, and *not* a loving Creator. I cannot, cannot love a being who eternally tortures his/her/its creation. That isn't love! A deity who "wishes for no one to enter Hell" would not have created it in the first place! Also, Satan is the enemy of the Christian God, why would He have created Satan?! What is He, a masochist or something? Yeah, must be. And if that is a so-called, "test of faith", then that is a really sick test!!!! Again- *not* an example of love.

 

So, I guess my question is this: how do I handle extreme fear that's coupled with extreme disgust of a system that I think of going back to sometimes simply b/c I'm scared, and no other reason? How do I deal with the fact that I don't think I shall *ever* revere such a sickening conception of God again, despite sometimes feeling an obligation to do just that? How on earth can I go back to something that has totally destroyed me emotionally, the way the Christian system has done to me?

 

I don't know what to do. My emotions are conflicted. I just want peace of mind, dammit! Being Catholic did *not* bring me peace- but neither does being ex-Catholic! How in the world can I achieve this elusive goal?

 

I hope I don't sound weak-willed to anyone here. I'm trying- honestly, I am. But I'm stuck right now, and don't know what to do. I wish I'd never been exposed to this stuff!!!!!

 

There- I feel a bit better now.

 

Rosa

 

The irony is the bible doesn't teach eternal punishment. Go read christendom astray

 

Specifically about bibles teaching on death:

http://users.aol.com/bible4/chrast03.htm

 

The rest concerning "the devil", etc.

 

http://users.aol.com/bible4/chrastoc.htm

 

It's an EXCELLENT book at debunking that most christians NEVER REALLY WERE christians according to the bible.

[Sawu]

Thanks, white raven and gwenmead.

 

Yeah, it's probably true that I'm more vulnerable b/c I'm new to this. That sucks ass. I wish the dogmatists would leave me the fuck alone. Their stupid crap has done more damage than I can even begin to describe. Of course, I should probably learn to suck up the treatment of the fundies here. It'll give me practice for when my abusive father hurls threats of violence at me in response to the faith loss.

 

"(Man's) breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day (moment) his thoughts perish" (Ps. 146:4).

 

Job says that on death, he would be "as though he had not been" (Job 10:18); he saw death as the oblivion, unconscious-ness and total lack of existence which we had before we were born. After reading Job's views on death, then ask yourself, with 'ye old christian self', did god teach job wrong about death?

 

Don't worry too much, you were taught incorrectly about what the bible teaches about death anyway, most christians never take the time to read bible commentaries or do serious bible studies on the principles of personification, and jewish idiom, and forget that the old testament was the scripture christ and paul referred to, therefore if god doesn't lie then certainly nothing in the new testament should contradict the old, since god gave the old first. The take some passages "too literally" without having established what the old testament said about death.

 

Ecc 9:10 - Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

 

If there are none of these things when a person dies, then oops... heaven and hell as taught by most 'christians' doesn't even exist in the bible! heh.