My Personal Relationship With Absurdity

[LivingLife]

Great post Denyoz, welcome to our nuthouse j/k

[NeverAgainV]

Hi Denyoz,

 

I read your story here a few days ago...wow wow....

I too was raised Catholic, the seeds are planted. The thing that mad me sad about what happened to you is that you had such HOPE & that hope was abused.

Also, I have found that it is the ones, like us, who were completely sincere, sold out "believers" that get hurt the worst.I was totally sold out for "jesus".....it turned out very ugly. Our belief system comes crashing down & it causes trauma, heartache...for me, eventually

unbelief. I thought if god & his children were like that....NO THANKS.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

I wish you the best. Hopefully as time moves forward you will heal & begin to build new memories of a new life without abusive religion.

Take Care!

NeverAgainV (I have a little of my story on here, in there I am just NeverAgain....couldn't use that username in this forum....so I added the "V".)

[Denyoz]

The thing that made me sad about what happened to you is that you had such HOPE & that hope was abused.

Also, I have found that it is the ones, like us, who were completely sincere, sold out "believers" that get hurt the worst.

 

Thank you so much NeverAgain, you are so thoughtful. Now I have this big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. The love, faith and HOPE that I had destroyed me completely. This is so sad because now I have 4 kids and I am expected to give them love, faith and hope, and I can't. I can't do that to them. I don't want them to have hope, I hate hope. I also have much difficulty with love. Like even when I say to them "I love you", I want to add "but not that much." because I don't want to give them false hope. It's horrible. When I see them happy, I want to warn them "don't be so happy, an asteroid can fall on your head any minute." I can't say that to a 6-year old. I don't know how to love them. I find it extremely important that they know that love is not a God (or vice versa). LOVE IS NOT A GOD! But all around me I hear: God is Love, God is Love. I want to scream BULLSHIT! Love is not a God. Love exists of course, but it has no special power. Love will NOT conquer all.

 

Truth is one of the few values I have left, but most people don't seem to be interested in truth, they want to hear feel-good fairy tales. Oh I know what those are! I could make up some really really good ones and make a LOT of money because people would buy it. Truth won't make you rich.

 

Sorry for the ranting. As you can see I have not finished coming to terms with my past. I will keep using this thread to vent my frustrations. Thank you for helping me, NeverAgain, and all of you that I now consider my "community". I love you all... but not that much LOL

[Margee]

The thing that made me sad about what happened to you is that you had such HOPE & that hope was abused.

Also, I have found that it is the ones, like us, who were completely sincere, sold out "believers" that get hurt the worst.

 

Thank you so much NeverAgain, you are so thoughtful. Now I have this big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. The love, faith and HOPE that I had destroyed me completely. This is so sad because now I have 4 kids and I am expected to give them love, faith and hope, and I can't. I can't do that to them. I don't want them to have hope, I hate hope. I also have much difficulty with love. Like even when I say to them "I love you", I want to add "but not that much." because I don't want to give them false hope. It's horrible. When I see them happy, I want to warn them "don't be so happy, an asteroid can fall on your head any minute." I can't say that to a 6-year old. I don't know how to love them. I find it extremely important that they know that love is not a God (or vice versa). LOVE IS NOT A GOD! But all around me I hear: God is Love, God is Love. I want to scream BULLSHIT! Love is not a God. Love exists of course, but it has no special power. Love will NOT conquer all.

 

Truth is one of the few values I have left, but most people don't seem to be interested in truth, they want to hear feel-good fairy tales. Oh I know what those are! I could make up some really really good ones and make a LOT of money because people would buy it. Truth won't make you rich.

 

Sorry for the ranting. As you can see I have not finished coming to terms with my past. I will keep using this thread to vent my frustrations. Thank you for helping me, NeverAgain, and all of you that I now consider my "community". I love you all... but not that much LOL

 

Oh Denyoz, now you got me sad. I sure know how you guys feel. It wasn't all that long ago that I hated everything. I Loved NOTHING!.I felt dead inside. I smiled at all my loved ones... but really...felt nothing.

 

I was scared of what I was feeling.The anger seethed inside me, but I tried really hard not to show it. Five years of real deconverting, menopausal and one hell of an angry woman inside.

 

It was the last stages of my deconverting because a few months later after joining this site, I started to feel relief.

I really do feel so much more peaceful.

 

My 'hope' today is that I remain realistic with life. I wish for the best, but I am aware that the worst that can happen....will...... and I try to be at peace with that.

 

This is my entry that day not long ago. Hang in there my dear friend. Hug!

 

 

http://www.ex-christ...reme-pessimism/

[Galien]

Truth is one of the few values I have left, but most people don't seem to be interested in truth, they want to hear feel-good fairy tales. Oh I know what those are! I could make up some really really good ones and make a LOT of money because people would buy it. Truth won't make you rich.

 

 

One of my particular favourites is that being rich makes you happy. Money has been god in western culture for decades, another truth no one wants to tell. Truth is pretty much my religion, always was, which is why I sucked at group christianity. No truth in that at all. Now I just fight conventional wisdom, which also seems to be lacking in much truth also.

 

Thank you so much for the passionate sharing of your story, such a strong and dedicated heart in you. Nothing worse than having your hope stripped away and your ability to love conpromised and crushed within you. These people sure as hell know not what they do. These morons who run things do not understand the depth of belief in some people and how deep into the soul it goes. They cause horrific wounds to the psyche, some of which never heal. Some pains go so deep you know you will never be able to trust or hope again in the way you did before. They tear the innocence and light from our hearts and minds and souls and trample all over it like it is nothing. Which is exactly what it is to them, nothing.

 

I think for me that was the very last straw. The knowledge that I had loved my christian family like they were really my family, but in reality I meant nothing to them. All that mattered was my conformity. When I took that away, I lost all value. Sadly, that is the case in most group situations in life. Too much abuse of power.

 

You actually sound great, and I know this is a long hard road. Big fat hugs to you, and give yourself a huge hug for having made it this far. This stuff is soul destroying, but also soul building, and you have amazing courage. That is a rare commodity these days. So good to have you here.

[Denyoz]

Oh Denyoz, now you got me sad. I sure know how you guys feel. It wasn't all that long ago that I hated everything. I Loved NOTHING!.I felt dead inside. I smiled at all my loved ones... but really...felt nothing.

 

... felt nothing...

 

Like I mentioned above, the major depressive disorder lasted 6 years. Thats 2,190 days of feeling nothing, not even knowing the difference between pleasure and pain. I'm still not completely out of it yet. At least now I'm off the medication, so I'm starting to feel something. What the fuck did I do during all this time, I was not working, locked up in my basement with my PC. Oh I remember now, I delved into the dark world of conspiracies and UFO's and Reptilians controlling our minds and our world. I also looked into the best ways to kill myself. My poor wife... I was so negative, she started suffering from anxiety. Now she is medicated. What a sad couple of twin souls we have become. At least she is not christian and I am so happy about that.

 

Thanks again Margee, you are a ray of light. I read your Extreme Pessimism thread this morning. Great stuff! Hey can we be friends? I'll send you a request

[Denyoz]

[Hey can we be friends? I'll send you a request

 

Hey you're already my friend, how did this happen? I don't remember doing this, is my mind playing tricks on me? Oh I know it's Alzheimer's. Great, just great, one more disease, bring it on goddypoo.

[Denyoz]

One of my particular favourites is that being rich makes you happy. Money has been god in western culture for decades, another truth no one wants to tell.

 

This is worth repeating. I have never heard anyone say it before: Being rich makes you happy. No one ever says that and it's such a basic truth. Amazing.

 

Thank you very much Galien for your encouraging words and the fat hugs. I was never a dedicated member of any church, so I can't really blame anybody. I wish I had somebody to blame. In my mind it's all God's fault, but I don't believe he exists any more, so I can't blame him. If I turn my anger towards myself then it could get ugly, so I don't want to do that. I keep telling myself that I am innocent. I feel my anger just goes around in circles and never hits any target and it's so frustrating.

 

Last Saturday I posted a video on the Rants and Replies forum entitled Preacher Dies On Stage! Do I get some sort of pleasure out of seeing priests die and churches burn? Yes I do. Maybe I have become evil. The worse thing is I don't care. I even get a pleasure out of thinking that I have become evil. Does anybody else experience this?

[Margee]

Oh Denyoz, now you got me sad. I sure know how you guys feel. It wasn't all that long ago that I hated everything. I Loved NOTHING!.I felt dead inside. I smiled at all my loved ones... but really...felt nothing.

 

... felt nothing...

 

Like I mentioned above, the major depressive disorder lasted 6 years. Thats 2,190 days of feeling nothing, not even knowing the difference between pleasure and pain. I'm still not completely out of it yet. At least now I'm off the medication, so I'm starting to feel something. What the fuck did I do during all this time, I was not working, locked up in my basement with my PC. Oh I remember now, I delved into the dark world of conspiracies and UFO's and Reptilians controlling our minds and our world. I also looked into the best ways to kill myself. My poor wife... I was so negative, she started suffering from anxiety. Now she is medicated. What a sad couple of twin souls we have become. At least she is not christian and I am so happy about that.

 

Thanks again Margee, you are a ray of light. I read your Extreme Pessimism thread this morning. Great stuff! Hey can we be friends? I'll send you a request

 

Honest to god I don't mean to laugh like I'm laughing right now, (cause I know this is a serious post)....But... I'm in hysterics!!......about the 'Reptilians', because I got into this for awhile and started watching people to see if there was any truth to it!! I could swear some people looked like animals!! I coulda' swore I saw my dead sisters face in my cat!!

I thought, if my cat starts growing tall......I'm gettin' the fuck outta here.............

 

On a more serious note..(if I can collect myself) I put bets on it, that if you get better and healed inside........so will your wife!!

[Denyoz]

Honest to god I don't mean to laugh like I'm laughing right now, (cause I know this is a serious post)....But... I'm in hysterics!!......about the 'Reptilians', because I got into this for awhile and started watching people to see if there was any truth to it!! I could swear some people looked like animals!! I coulda' swore I saw my dead sisters face in my cat!!

I thought, if my cat starts growing tall......I'm gettin' the fuck outta here.............

 

LOL thanks you have made me laugh (the best medicine). Now let's be quiet about it, people are going to think that Canadians are crazy

[Margee]

Honest to god I don't mean to laugh like I'm laughing right now, (cause I know this is a serious post)....But... I'm in hysterics!!......about the 'Reptilians', because I got into this for awhile and started watching people to see if there was any truth to it!! I could swear some people looked like animals!! I coulda' swore I saw my dead sisters face in my cat!!

I thought, if my cat starts growing tall......I'm gettin' the fuck outta here.............

 

LOL thanks you have made me laugh (the best medicine). Now let's be quiet about it, people are going to think that Canadians are crazy

 

Canadians are always right and yes, it does make us look crazy!! If we say there are reptillians, then there are!!

 

Sometimes Deny, you just gotta have fun!! ChecK out the pope!!!

 

[NeverAgainV]

The thing that made me sad about what happened to you is that you had such HOPE & that hope was abused.

Also, I have found that it is the ones, like us, who were completely sincere, sold out "believers" that get hurt the worst.

 

Thank you so much NeverAgain, you are so thoughtful. Now I have this big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. The love, faith and HOPE that I had destroyed me completely. This is so sad because now I have 4 kids and I am expected to give them love, faith and hope, and I can't. I can't do that to them. I don't want them to have hope, I hate hope. I also have much difficulty with love. Like even when I say to them "I love you", I want to add "but not that much." because I don't want to give them false hope. It's horrible. When I see them happy, I want to warn them "don't be so happy, an asteroid can fall on your head any minute." I can't say that to a 6-year old. I don't know how to love them. I find it extremely important that they know that love is not a God (or vice versa). LOVE IS NOT A GOD! But all around me I hear: God is Love, God is Love. I want to scream BULLSHIT! Love is not a God. Love exists of course, but it has no special power. Love will NOT conquer all.

 

Truth is one of the few values I have left, but most people don't seem to be interested in truth, they want to hear feel-good fairy tales. Oh I know what those are! I could make up some really really good ones and make a LOT of money because people would buy it. Truth won't make you rich.

 

Sorry for the ranting. As you can see I have not finished coming to terms with my past. I will keep using this thread to vent my frustrations. Thank you for helping me, NeverAgain, and all of you that I now consider my "community". I love you all... but not that much LOL

 

You are not ranting & if you were to, that's OK. Sometimes a good rant can really help.

 

Believe me, I understand the unresolved pain & frustrations (to some degree anyhow.. since everyones situation is unique to them). I understand the pain & the hopelessness & the numbness. I think it took me about 2 years to feel....to not be afraid....normal...whatever that is. It will be my 5 year anniversary of leaving the cult this April & I can say I'm doing much better.

 

I think as humans we swing from one side or extreme to the other. for me, the cult I was in was sooo judgemental & when I left I could not stand judgemental folk, even if it was ....rational. I had an aversion to looking at a pulpit, when I went to a more liberal church after the cult..I found myself staring at the stained glass windows. I could NOT look at the pastor, I could not allow myself to give him my full attention, my full trust as to what he was saying was true. I remember thinking ....I have to find a way to overcome this because when I decide to take a class I HAVE to be able to look at the instructor as he teaches. Having a speaker talk to a group was too much of a trigger for me, it reminded me of the asshole mog (man-a-gawd) but I can say, I have somewhat gotten over that, it's only taken about 4 years tee hee..,.... I'm taking classes & I'm actually looking at the person who is speaking. I'm so long winded here to maybe let you know that hopefully you will be able to seperate what the religion did to you with how you interact with your loved ones...but that no doubt will take time.

Undoing all of the toxic thinking that we had ingrained in our heads, it's not easy, but I think it can be done.

 

Do you have anyone to talk to about this? I have had a few family members & friends who I have been able to vent to & when you vent, I think it helps to process what happened. All I did for the first few years after I left was talk & talk & write & write. It's like all of those years of holding everything inside, because I didn't want to become a "murmurer & complainer"....& it was taught in the cult that god wants us to "bridle our tounges"...oh gawd....I'm a chatty cathy naturally & let me tell you, once I left the cult I exploded!! I'm sure I drove my family & some close friends nuts & I'm grateful they listened, or sometimes pretended to listen Haha .

The point is, I had to understand WHAT happened, how did my life get turned upside down? To understand what happened, I had to go through it all, nobody told me to, I just had to go back in time & figure it out or at least think how point A led to point B....

 

It's kind of like, first you need to go through all of the shit, for me it was posting on forums what happened, getting feedback, kind of like what we are doing here. That helped me a lot & it seems like it's helping you too. Then, I spent time writing down my memories of what happened...sometimes when we write it out, it's kind of like getting it out of yourself & can be helpful I think. I've been told that anyhow & to some degree it helps.

 

I have read that religious trauma goes deep, and we know it does from our own experiences. I was told by my expastor that leaving his church could anger god so much that he just might kill me or my husband or my kids...it was tantamount to someone holding a gun to my head it was psychological terrorism. We left anyhow cause I thought, I'll take that chance & hope god wont kill us, but staying in that cult church WAS killing me. I remember thinking that if I stayed I was going to die because the life was being sucked right out of me. When I finally did leave I have no doubt I was meandering around in my daily life almost dreamlike...or more like nightmare like ---thinking....my life is a nightmare. It really wasn't totally....I have great kids & despite the cult shit my husband & I are together, but it was some of my blackest days. I was numb for quite some time. Before I left the cult, for about 2 years straight I cried every day. I think I must have had some deep depression (my dad was bipolar). I felt like I was floating too...I almost got in a car crash because I was so absorbed with the whole situation & I just could not focus on life in the now. Reading what you have written, I know you can relate. Hopefully it will be a matter of time for you to begin to feel again....take it in baby steps Denyoz.

 

The thing that blows my mind is that seriously I went the religious route I did because I saw so much hypocrisy in the Catholic church in which I was raised....& seeking higher spirituality I was led down such a destructive path. That's what struck me about your post is your looking for a better way, closer to God. I was soooooo sincere, at one point I would have died for -the faith- is how sold out I was for jeezzus. It didn't end well & my faith crumbled over time...tI was quite devastating, but Denyoz, it DOES get better. I don't think *it* ever goes away...but you can live fully again. I started out by just trying to focus on the little good I had left in my life....& it helps. The first good thing was we got FREE & OUT of that hellhole cult. You'll have good days & bad, but I do hope your good days will begin to outnumber the bad...but I remember those times from hell. It's not easy, but take your time to process & have compassion on yourself.

 

I also spent a LOT of time reading about religious abuse, spiritual abuse & things like that that helped me to see & process what happened. I read & read & read like a maniac....I was being VALIDATED through the articles & books that I was reading. That helped. I was a christian for a few years after leaving the cult, but over time my faith in jesus, the bible....disintegrated. I could no longer believe it...like you say, there are tons of fairy tales....but where is some truth???

 

I'm glad you are here! I'm new in the forum, though I've posted on the main pages under "NeverAgain". I used a different email address for that...now in this forum I'm NeverAgainV....

The V as in V for Vendetta!

I will find the link to my story & put it here if you want to check it out. TAKE CARE!! Thanks for listening to me rant...I hope this does not come across as preaching....I just thought I'd tell you about some things that helped me, maybe they will help you. If not, that's OK too.

[NeverAgainV]

Denyoz, I forgot to add that you made me chuckle with your comment....." I love you all... but not that much LOL"

Hey, you've got a sense of humor and after all you've been through that says something good about you.

[NeverAgainV]

Truth is one of the few values I have left, but most people don't seem to be interested in truth, they want to hear feel-good fairy tales. Oh I know what those are! I could make up some really really good ones and make a LOT of money because people would buy it. Truth won't make you rich.

 

 

One of my particular favourites is that being rich makes you happy. Money has been god in western culture for decades, another truth no one wants to tell. Truth is pretty much my religion, always was, which is why I sucked at group christianity. No truth in that at all. Now I just fight conventional wisdom, which also seems to be lacking in much truth also.

 

Thank you so much for the passionate sharing of your story, such a strong and dedicated heart in you. Nothing worse than having your hope stripped away and your ability to love conpromised and crushed within you. These people sure as hell know not what they do. These morons who run things do not understand the depth of belief in some people and how deep into the soul it goes. They cause horrific wounds to the psyche, some of which never heal. Some pains go so deep you know you will never be able to trust or hope again in the way you did before. They tear the innocence and light from our hearts and minds and souls and trample all over it like it is nothing. Which is exactly what it is to them, nothing.

 

I think for me that was the very last straw. The knowledge that I had loved my christian family like they were really my family, but in reality I meant nothing to them. All that mattered was my conformity. When I took that away, I lost all value. Sadly, that is the case in most group situations in life. Too much abuse of power.

 

You actually sound great, and I know this is a long hard road. Big fat hugs to you, and give yourself a huge hug for having made it this far. This stuff is soul destroying, but also soul building, and you have amazing courage. That is a rare commodity these days. So good to have you here.

 

Wow...just wow. Thanks for posting that Galien It's soooo true what you've written there... been there & done that.

[NeverAgainV]

Honest to god I don't mean to laugh like I'm laughing right now, (cause I know this is a serious post)....But... I'm in hysterics!!......about the 'Reptilians', because I got into this for awhile and started watching people to see if there was any truth to it!! I could swear some people looked like animals!! I coulda' swore I saw my dead sisters face in my cat!!

I thought, if my cat starts growing tall......I'm gettin' the fuck outta here.............

 

LOL thanks you have made me laugh (the best medicine). Now let's be quiet about it, people are going to think that Canadians are crazy

 

Canadians are always right and yes, it does make us look crazy!! If we say there are reptillians, then there are!!

 

Sometimes Deny, you just gotta have fun!! ChecK out the pope!!!

 

Oh that picture is just scary........

[Denyoz]

Do you have anyone to talk to about this?

 

NeverAgain, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I feel so lucky to be receiving support from people like you. You know as you were replying to my post I was reading your story in the Main Blog. Now I know where you are coming from. You are right, Catholicism is pretty much the first stage of true fundamentalist brainwashing. If you manage to break free from the dumb Pope, it's usually to end up in something a lot worse. You have the feeling that finally you left fake christianity for true christianity and it's exhilarating. You're born again, you experience the freedom and excitement of the Living Church, you discover the beauty of the True Word of God, no more stupid statues, retarded saints, boring sacraments, just heart-felt worship and love and you think you're in heaven.

 

I never experienced the fear of hell, and one might think that this is a good thing, but it only means that you're likely to end up much more in love with God. And boy was I in love with God. This love goes deep deep deep into your heart and takes total control of your whole life, and the euphoria is so out-of-this-world that nothing makes you want to go back to wordly pleasures. At that moment you are hooked man. Completely hooked and addicted and dependent on this spiritual drug, and you know, you feel that it's eternal, infinite bliss, until the big day of Deception. Then everything disappears: your God, your Lover, your Love, your Life, and you sink into the abbiss of Nothingness, like a black hole, everything you know is sucked into it. It's a freefall into a dark dark lonely place with no exit:

 

Depression. Often described as the inability to experience pleasure. There is no life and no light there. Your feet are tied. Your hands are tied. You can't move and there is no air.

 

I hate hospitals: they take your blood and then more blood, and pills, more pills and all their side-effects, oops! not a good pill, try this pill, oops! wrong dose. Increase dose, increase dose, maximum dose. Oops, not good. Change pills, start over, we need more blood, more tests, more pills.

 

How can you deal with the problem when the problem is God and God does not exist. Try to deal with life when the only thing you know is how to deal with God but God does not exist. So fucken fucked up and what's the problem? I am sick. "I" am sick? It is me who is sick? I am the sick one? Are you all crazy? I am not sick, YOU are sick, society is sick, this world is sick, I am a healthy person living in a sick sick universe full of sick poeple who invented a sick system that makes people sick, so you can sell pills to me. VERY EXPENSIVE PILLS. And do these pills make you happy? No, they numb you. The good pills, the ones that would make you happy are addictive so you can't have them. I WANT THE ADDICTIVE PILLS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY, who cares if they are addictive, of course they are addictive, they make you happy. But no, instead they give you the mind-numbing pills, those are the good pill, because they are not addictive. OF COURSE THEY ARE NOT ADDICTIVE, THEY DON'T WORK!

 

Do I have anyone to talk to about this? Yes, everyone: a wife, a mother, a brother, five sisters, a couple good friends. The question is: do they understand me? Mmm... no. My wife says I'm negative. My family says I refuse to believe in God so it's my fault. My psychiatrist says PILLS.

 

I think the only people who understand me are you guys.

 

I have to go to bed, it's getting late, although I know that I won't be able to sleep. Thank god I have sleeping

PILLS!

[lunaticheathen]

Darth Ratzinger isn't reptilian. He's a Sith lord, but that's a common mistake.

[Akheia]

Denyoz, you're not crazy. You're right: you're in a sick society surrounded by very non-sympathetic people, and the dance of meds is never a fun one. But eventually it will even out. Meds aren't always bad. I was on them myself for a few years with a crushing case of PTSD, and after I got a new sense of internal balance I was weaned off them safely. Hang in there. This won't be forever. I think the books are right about grief being in stages; when I left Christianity and my abusive marriage, I had a time of free-fall where I mourned the "happily ever after on the streets of gold with my beloved Bridegroom" that I would never get. I think that's normal for believers who were way into it. Please make sure you take care of yourself--eat right, sleep enough, exercise, get company--while you're processing what happened.

[Denyoz]

Denyoz, you're not crazy. You're right: you're in a sick society surrounded by very non-sympathetic people, and the dance of meds is never a fun one. But eventually it will even out. Meds aren't always bad. I was on them myself for a few years with a crushing case of PTSD, and after I got a new sense of internal balance I was weaned off them safely. Hang in there. This won't be forever. I think the books are right about grief being in stages; when I left Christianity and my abusive marriage, I had a time of free-fall where I mourned the "happily ever after on the streets of gold with my beloved Bridegroom" that I would never get. I think that's normal for believers who were way into it. Please make sure you take care of yourself--eat right, sleep enough, exercise, get company--while you're processing what happened.

 

Thank you Akheia. I'm off the medication already. Getting off the meds was my New Year (2012) resolution. It's time to face reality like a man, not a zombie. I didn't take the sleeping pills last night, and I slept well after getting this little part of my past off my chest. I told myself that if I get flashbacks, instead of numbing my memory with pills, I will write about them, and turn the horror into a piece of art (if writing is an art). I'm also turning some of it into music and eventually maybe even videos. My best friend (cousin) is an artist and he's encouraging me to do this. I'm sure I'm on the right track and I know the worse is over. They say life starts at 50 and in my case I think it's going to be true. Shit what's wrong with me I'm crying again.

[Akheia]

I wouldn't take a million dollars to be the idiotic 20-year-old that I was. I miss the taut skin, but that's about it. Life starts when you damned well think it does--it's your life, after all.

[NeverAgainV]

There is a void after walking away from religion for those of us who put our hearts & souls into it.

Do your best to keep moving forward...that's all any of us can do.

The crying you mention could be that you are still grieving about what you experienced.

 

I remember I cried every day for about 2 years straight...one year before I left the cult ( I think I realized it was bullshit & that was one bitter pill to swallow) Then a year after I left...all of the emotions of being shunned & realizing I gave so much for a group of people who didn't really give a shit about us.

 

Ah well...just gotta keep moving forward & carry on.

Take Care!! ((hug))

[Margee]

"I" am sick? It is me who is sick? I am the sick one? Are you all crazy? I am not sick, YOU are sick, society is sick, this world is sick, I am a healthy person living in a sick sick universe full of sick poeple who invented a sick system that makes people sick,

 

 

Now all you have to do is realize that YOU are the healthy one and learn the strategies to live in this fucked up world.

 

Stay with us!!! We are all learning together!!

[Denyoz]

Yay! Woo-hoo! Thanks Margee, NeverAgain, Akheia, lunaticheathen, and all who care about me.

 

I never believed that I was sick. Each time I swallowed a pill I thought "this is to numb my healthy mind so I can function in this sick society." In fact I always wondered why my psychiatrist who is a very intelligent, educated man would not acknowledge this. He never suggested that I should go for counselling or psychotherapy or read certain books or joint CERTAIN WEBSITES that could have helped me. No. Just take these pills and go home and come back to see me in 3 weeks. So all he did was put me on hold.

 

I knew exactly why I was depressed and so did he, but instead of dealing with the problem, he (we?) preferred believing that there was a chemical imbalance in my brain. Six years on hold, that's a long time! Not once did he suggest that maybe I should start dealing with the real problem. I kept mentioning this to my wife but she's a firm believer in doctors and medication so I got zero encouragement from her. I didn't even tell her when I decided to get off the meds (this was done gradually of course since the dose was so high, the process lasted 3 months but I didn't tell anybody). I was afraid she would have a panic attack at the thought of it. Can't really blame her. She was afraid that if I'd regain my ability to think that I would run away, or kill myself or even worse, kill the kids. So I only told her 2 months after the fact. One day she said: "You seem happier than usual lately, did you increase your dose?" I said no, I stopped. Then she realized that I could be happy without meds and it reassured her.

 

I never allowed myself to grieve the loss of my imaginary-best-friend, the loss of my youth, the loss of all the energy and love that I wasted. That's why I'm so teary-eyed since I joined here.

 

But let me add this. I experience great pleasure reading what free-thinkers post here. And just being allowed to write things like God is a fucking asshole and Christianity make me puke, is liberating.

[OMneg]

Denyoz, I envy and admire your courage to share your true self with your family. I agree that we all need to come out but the reality of it is frightening. Your pill rant is priceless! It's so true that religion is the biggest mind fuck. You do write well and yes, writing is an art. Don't let your family get you down. It's impossible for believers to blame god for bad stuff like your lack of belief. It has to be your fault or satan's. Hopefully they will come around. My husband chipped away at my belief without even realizing it by his steadfast unbelief and his calm reasoning. He never argued with me about religion but when I would try to start a discussion he often shut me up with some small statement that shook my faith. I never admitted it to him. I think the people around you feel threatened by your lack of belief. Keep chipping away.

[Galien]

There is a void after walking away from religion for those of us who put our hearts & souls into it.

Do your best to keep moving forward...that's all any of us can do.

The crying you mention could be that you are still grieving about what you experienced.

 

I remember I cried every day for about 2 years straight...one year before I left the cult ( I think I realized it was bullshit & that was one bitter pill to swallow) Then a year after I left...all of the emotions of being shunned & realizing I gave so much for a group of people who didn't really give a shit about us.

 

Ah well...just gotta keep moving forward & carry on.

Take Care!! ((hug))

 

So true how much the shunning hurts. I cried for three years in church every sunday when I finally got the guts to go somewhere other than the cult. Its bloody soul destroying stuff. The anger though at realising they didn't give a shit helps with some balance though. Big fat hug for you for your courage.