My wife is making me go to church.

[been borg again]

opinions? should I play the happy christian game, or should I be outspoken on my apostacy?

 

My wife and I went thru some drama, and now she is manipulating me by saying If I love her , I would go to church, ( and we are going to get christian marraige counceling). Which is fine really, no big deal. I have the self control to play the happy christian game, if I wanted to.At the same time I know christianity more than most christians and it would be kind of a good opportunity to shake the tree, at least it would be amusing for me and make sundays less boring, and a great way to practice anti-apologetics, I am well prepared after 20 years as a fundy and 5 years of daily online christian debates.

 

You guys have expereince being vocal about non beleif in church?

Was it positive or negative? One problem I can foresee is other people convinceing my wife that she is unhappy being married to an apostate, although it doesnt really bother my wife that much. I know for a fact that whatever church we go to the members and pastors will flock to my wife and try to be her new best friend, inviting us over for dinner and trying to stick their noses in our asses and lives..since my wife is super friendly with an extroverted personality, a great smile and honestly gets mistaken for Angelina Jolies twin sister when ever we go out somewhere, and she is always the life of the party. At the same time she is uneducated, ungrounded and easily manipulated by everyone, becuae she likes too please everyone. so there is no way my family can attend church covertly and just keep to our selves.

 

thoughts opinions?

 

Should I seize the day or play the passive?

I dont think my wife would mind, it would probably turn her on since she likes the Rebel sort. So I dont think my wifes feelings would be hurt, or be an issue.

[white_raven23]

My wife and I went thru some drama, and now she is manipulating me by saying If I love her , I would go to church, ( and we are going to get christian marraige counceling).

 

Love isn't about blackmail. Counseling is a good idea, but I'd push for secular counseling. Christian counseling has "the agenda" which has less to do with your actual needs as a couple and everything to do with manipulation into the fold.

 

You guys have expereince being vocal about non beleif in church?

Was it positive or negative?

 

One word: "INTERVENTION"

Brrrr!

Still gives me chills. And it can go pretty damn far too. Including really creepy behavior like STALKING.

 

One problem I can foresee is other people convinceing my wife that she is unhappy being married to an apostate, although it doesnt really bother my wife that much.  I know for a fact that whatever church we go to the members and pastors will flock to my wife and try to be her new best friend, since my wife is super friendly with an extroverted personality, a great smile and honestly gets mistaken for Angelina Jolies twin sister when ever we go out somewhere, and she is  always the life of the party. At the same time she is uneducated, ungrounded and easily manipulated by everyone, becuae she likes too please everyone. so there is no way  my family can attend church  covertly and just keep to our selves.

 

See? you already know what you are risking and how vulnerable your wife is to the pressure of social manipulation. She may not mind your views now but that will turn a 180 once "they" get their tendrils around her.

 

Should I seize the day or play the passive?

I dont think my wife would mind, it would probably turn her on since she likes the Rebel sort. So I dont think my wifes feelings would be hurt, or be an issue.

 

Go to church, lose your wife. Not good.

 

Get a hobby instead. Something just for the two of you.

Learn to dance.

 

You need a secular social circle. Learning to dance will get you out and around people with like interests. And this would not put excess intellectual pressure on your wife.

[Caretaker]

I agree. Would you be willing to remain in a relationship with someone who is blackmailing you like that? If I were in that position, I would say, "If you feel you must blackmail me by withholding love, then I cannot remain in this relationship."

 

Maybe that is a little too harsh. I would be brutally honest. I am not convinced the Bible is true, and as such, I am unconvinced that there is a God, Jesus, Satan, Heaven, or Hell. If she feels that she must withhold her love just because church is irrelevant to me, then I would have no problem terminating the relationship. I don't want any part of someone who would do this to me.

[been borg again]

thanks raven for the input, but not going to church is not really an option right now, its really important to my wife,at this point it would be huge mistake for me to say NO.

Its sounds like you had a really bad expereince.. maybe I should just be passive at chruch, I know the christian lingo like the back of my hand, No one would be the wiser.

[Caretaker]

Have you considered calling your wife out on her threat to withhold her "unconditional" love?

[been borg again]

I agree. Would you be willing to remain in a relationship with someone who is blackmailing you like that? If I were in that position, I would say, "If you feel you must blackmail me by withholding love, then I cannot remain in this relationship."

 

Maybe that is a little too harsh. I would be brutally honest. I am not convinced the Bible is true, and as such, I am unconvinced that there is a God, Jesus, Satan, Heaven, or Hell. If she feels that she must withhold her love just because church is irrelevant to me, then I would have no problem terminating the relationship. I don't want any part of someone who would do this to me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I understand your perspective, but I have been happily married for 10 years, and we are best friends. Maybe the situation is not as harsh as I explained, I should say I COMPROMISED by agreeing to go to church, instead of her saying that I would go if I loved her.. although I dont see much difference. Either way its OK, because we both do alot of compromising in our relationships. but I cant go back on my promise to go to church with her. plus it would break her heart because she is so excited to go ( she hasnt had the expereince of growing up in church like I have)

[been borg again]

Have you considered calling your wife out on her threat to withhold her "unconditional" love?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

yes, but you see I have spent the past 3 years mostly at home smoking weed and not making as much money as my wife.. so from that perspective I owe her one.. big time.

[Amethyst]

I have gone to church with my family on special occasions (like Christmas and Easter) so as not to rock the boat. If that's all it is, fine. If she is expecting you to go every Sunday, you shouldn't have to.

 

Otherwise, I agree with the others. If someone doesn't respect your religious views and is forcing you to believe what they believe, then they don't respect you as a person. You should also be able to get non-religious marriage counseling.

[white_raven23]

Was your wife a churchie before you met?

You'd be amazed the lengths some people go.....

 

example:

 

A woman at the church I used to go.

And a man at same church.

 

She thought well of herself (no reason to). And was very pious and proper. Also a spinster.

 

The guy was religious but did not have what she wanted.

 

She never gave him the time of day.

 

Until he came down with MS.

 

Then she was always at his side. Nursing and helping.

 

Suddenly they were married.

 

And she fawned under everyone else's pity as she was a "strong christian woman" taking care of her husband and his needs (except one, as he really can't).

 

I left the chuch before the whole thing played out, but I was the only one I guess who was really paying attention from the get-go anyway.

 

The point is, are you a partner or a project?

[Japedo]

My Two cents,

I'd never dream of being a spoiled ass brat to my husband and Demanding he do what I want or else I wouldn't love him. Frankly I find that to be a bit immature, and that's a key sign to not encourage "doctrine" IMO. I'm sorry if this comes across crass, it's not my intention. I'm trying to picture my husband saying something like that to me, and Frankly I'd be <--- to him.

 

Secondly, I agree with the other poster here that said The Church has an agenda, I'd stay clear of it as far as your marriage issues go. Be honest with your wife and tell her It's just not for you. If you "Play" the part so to speak, you're just pretending and what kind of actual Reality comes out of that? I think you'll only grow to Resent her down the road as you felt you had to become someone your not in order for her to "love" you. How far can any relationship go on half truths, threats, and pandering?

 

Don't want to Go to Church, Be frank about it. You can compromise oh holidays and special occasions, However make it a fair compromise, She has to go to a few baseball games (example) or something she isn't that fond of to make it fair

[pitchu]

If you two are good at compromising, and you can't break your promise, extract from her a "compromise promise" to spend, on Sunday evenings, exactly one half the time spent earlier in church on visiting this website -- reading and discussing.

 

What could be more fair?

[Fweethawt]

If you two are good at compromising, and you can't break your promise, extract from her a "compromise promise" to spend, on Sunday evenings, exactly one half the time spent earlier in church on visiting this website -- reading and discussing.

 

What could be more fair?

 

That idea is just too cool. (and sly )

 

BBA's 2 hours in church = 1 hour of his wife visiting this site.

 

That is just too frickin'-ass-damn cool!

[pitchu]

I have always aspired to "sly" -- thank you for awarding it to me, Fwee!

[Abiyoyo]

opinions? should I play the happy christian game, or should I be outspoken on my apostacy?

 

My wife and I went thru some drama, and now she is manipulating me by saying If I love her , I would go to church, ( and we are going to get christian marraige counceling). Which is fine really, no big deal. I have the self control to play the happy christian game, if I wanted to.At the same time I know christianity more than most christians and it would be kind of a good opportunity to  shake the tree, at least it would be amusing for me and make sundays less boring, and a great way to practice anti-apologetics, I am well prepared after 20 years as a fundy and 5 years of daily online christian debates.

 

You guys have expereince being vocal about non beleif in church?

Was it positive or negative?  One problem I can foresee is other people convinceing my wife that she is unhappy being married to an apostate, although it doesnt really bother my wife that much.  I know for a fact that whatever church we go to the members and pastors will flock to my wife and try to be her new best friend, inviting us over for dinner and trying to  stick their noses in our  asses and lives..since my wife is super friendly with an extroverted personality, a great smile and honestly gets mistaken for Angelina Jolies twin sister when ever we go out somewhere, and she is  always the life of the party. At the same time she is uneducated, ungrounded and easily manipulated by everyone, becuae she likes too please everyone. so there is no way  my family can attend church  covertly and just keep to our selves.

 

thoughts opinions?

 

Should I seize the day or play the passive?

I dont think my wife would mind, it would probably turn her on since she likes the Rebel sort. So I dont think my wifes feelings would be hurt, or be an issue.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Hey,

My wife did the same thing to me and I ended up becoming a believer again. LOL. Seriously, I believe that with any religion it is crucial that ones spouse is in the same boat. I will say from a Christian POV that Christians teaching, regarding spouses that have other faiths etc., is that the Christian spouse is encouraged to stay with the other spouse. This is probualy the answer that she would get from a Bible believing pastor.

[Thurisaz]

thanks raven for the input, but not going to church is not really an option right now, its really important to my wife,at this point it would be huge mistake for me to say NO.

 

So far you sound like church is much more important to your wife than you are. Are you sure these priorities are like they should be in a healthy relationship?!

[white_raven23]

I  will say from a Christian POV that Christians teaching,  regarding spouses that have other faiths etc., is that the Christian spouse is encouraged to stay with the other spouse. This is probualy the answer that she would get from a Bible believing pastor.

 

Oh, yeah

 

That IS the answer she'll get.....but the social encouragement and influence is designed to drive a wedge between her and her husband. No one will actually tell her to leave him, that would be unchristian.....but the social cues and manipulations wii most certainly be there

[Panther]

Oh, yeah

 

That IS the answer she'll get.....but the social encouragement and influence is designed to drive a wedge between her and her husband. No one will actually tell her to leave him, that would be unchristian.....but the social cues and manipulations wii most certainly be there

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

*nods* Most definitely! I have seen it time and time again......

[Guest Slayer-2004]

To stop her from playing the "If you love me you woul..." crap ( Extremely immature for her age . sheesh I consider that kind of shit immature for 16 year olds ) point out the biblical definition of love in corinthians .

 

Best thing you can do is make sure that the church isnt her main source of social influence . Other members of the hive cluster will try to pry her away from you . According to them her salvation is more important then your love , and they will do anything their consience will allow to pry her away from you if they think you will make her into an apostate as well . I like the dancing suggestion . Just do something .

 

If anything it may be a good idea to go to church every now and then ( once a month ) to make sure they arent pressuring her .

[white_raven23]

*nods* Most definitely! I have seen it time and time again......

 

 

Yep...we've seen a lot of christian women on Sundays with the kids....where's dad?

 

Elsewhere.

 

We've seen the bitterness....not my idea of the partnership of marriage.

[Japedo]

Oh, yeah

 

That IS the answer she'll get.....but the social encouragement and influence is designed to drive a wedge between her and her husband. No one will actually tell her to leave him, that would be unchristian.....but the social cues and manipulations wii most certainly be there

 

 

I agree, they will encourage to put the Church first, and those that are saved needs will take priority's over the sinners. Giving your $$ and your time is only the beginning.

[Mr. Neil]

This is why I've been very reluctant to find someone to settle down with. My nightmare is that I'll find the sweetest girl in the world, and she'll go Christian on me and want me to go to church.

 

I don't think that the problem is that church ranks higher than one's spouse. I think spouses who make their marriage partners go to church are doing so out genuine, but misguided, love. They honestly believe that a life not lived in the name of Christ a surefire, one-way trip to Hell. Of course your wife is going to make you go. She thinks she's doing the right thing.

 

Of course, there's no right way to tell her that she's brainwashed and that she should respect your beliefs. To her, that would be abominable.

 

I wish I had the answer to problems like this. It breaks my heart.

[Lizard]

I know a woman in the same position as your wife. She is married to an atheist. Everything seemed fine, until she went fundie..

She didn't leave him..she drove him to leave her. Stupid shit she pulled..until he told her "Me or Jesus"..well, she told him..and he walked.

Now, she's the "victim"..her bad old atheist husband left her..

 

Uhm..yeah..

 

Has she chosen a church yet? If so..what kind? Some are not as bad as others..

[been borg again]

thanks for the advice everyone. I think the idea of compromising and haveing her spend equal time on forums is a good idea,

Anyways I have tried getting her involved in apologetics for years...

my wife had no interest in learnng the details of her own faith.

Her understanding of christianity is very basic and shallow,

she just isnt the intellectual type, but excells in other areas.. everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

 

I cant even get her to read her bible.

 

How funny is it that she is the christian, but finds the bible boring?

 

She is vocal about her faith and tell everyone they need Jesus, but I havent seen her read her bible but a few times in 10 years,

while I read my bible ( or related topics) almost every day, and I am the athiest non beleiver!

 

I am the athiest that spends a lifetime in depth biblical studies, because I find it so interesting from a cultural point of view. I dont know if there is such a thing as an atheist biblical scholar, but I would love to be a biblical scholar.

 

I am the one who encourages her to read her bible and learn more about her own faith which has such a huge impact on her world view.

 

Anytime I mention concepts like freewill or origins of hell doctrine, it just goes right past her head.... so I gave up years ago.

 

Yes we did first meet in church 15 years ago, She had just become Saved, with absolutly no past expereince in christianity, while I was about 5 years away from deconverting, after spending my entire life surrounded by pastors and families. I myself was a youth pastor once.

 

SO I myself indoctrinated her in christianity for 5 years before I deconverted. And now she has kept the faith while I am the apostate.

 

But she is also aware that I despise christian church culture.

I grew up with pastors and missionaries who also happen to be pedophiles and incest- lovers. While they all act self righteous at church preaching their sermon, then go home and molest thier pre-teen daughters, or go on a booty call with their adulturous lovers.

 

Nothing would make me happier than to see christian church culture get flushed down the toilet of history along with geocentricism and slavery.

 

Dont worry they aint getting a cent of my money.

 

Anyway, no offence but the replies are sort of off topic... the question isnt about how much my wife loves me and the moral issue of " forcing" me to church...... besides I am sure after so many sunday sermons she will get bored, maybe not. I dont know. I will be careful about neagtive influence in our marraige.. she understands I think the potential for church-people to break up "unequally yoked"

relationships. We have had that discussion for years and she has broken off friendships for that very reason.. she is accually a very good wife in that she sticks up for me whenever the christians give her the line

" Oh I am So sorry your husband is not a christian, you must be misirabley unhappy".

she will get angry and defend me.

[been borg again]

The church would most likely be Calvary type, not really Fundy and Calvary doesnt really touch on doctrinal issues like the Baptists and Fundys do... Its more of a feel-good church, raise your hands and sing praises to the almightly God for sending everyone but them to hell.

[been borg again]

sorry for my poor spelling, yes I know atheist is spelt atheist, not athiest. I type real fats.