I Will Choose Free Will....

[Riven]

I'm in the process of de-conversion. I'm not sure where I'll end up on the atheist-agnostic spectrum (is that a thing?), but I exited the evangelical church in November of 2015, right about the time several so-called leaders of conservative Christianity threw in for Trump. Talk about shattering everything that I'd always had crammed down my throat. All those voter guides. All that talk of electing "Godly men." It all got thrown out the window on the throne of political power. Instead I heard, “boys will be boys” and “locker room talk” coming from the same voices advocating for godliness in leaders for so many years. I digress.

I was not raised in a Christian home. My mom gave it a go for several years when I was around seven or eight. It was enough to memorize, “Jesus Loves Me” and to know the basics. “Jesus loves me, and he died on the cross for my sins.” We moved shortly after that, and church was not on the docket again.

In our household, it was my father’s way or the highway. His anger and rage ruled the home. I grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I never knew what kind of night it would be when he got home. Drinking, drunkenness and anger permeated the home. Sometimes it got really scary. I kept my opinions to myself, because no other point of view was tolerated but his. I grew up without understanding personal boundaries. I grew up hiding all opinions and quietly deferred to his will no matter how unfair it felt. It was a survival tactic. Little did I know, this made me the perfect candidate to do well inside the church machine.

I’ve had an interesting life. In my early 20s, I was fortunate to fall into a group of amazing musicians with big-time connections. I had backstage passes to NAMM shows, and concerts of some of the biggest names of the 80s. I opened for used-to-be-famous musicians in smaller venues. I also fell into a work situation that ended up being a tech start-up that grew out of a failed, larger corporation. By the time I was twenty-five, I had a life most envied from the outside. However, on the inside, things weren’t working. You know that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is missing? Maybe not. But I had it in spades. After many years of reflection, I understand now that it was some major missing pieces from a traumatic childhood. Around this time, I was invited to an evangelical church for the Christmas program, and ended up going forward at the alter call. Unconditional love sounded pretty good to me at the time. Little did I know, this “love” would come at a very high price, with plenty of unwritten rules to follow. I would spend the next twenty-five years inside of conservative evangelicalism. It didn’t solve my problems, but did create plenty of new ones.

So, I left my sinful life behind. Musical friends, drinking, the occasional drug dalliance, were all excised from my life. I threw myself into worship team, choir, ministry, outreach, short-term missions. I studied JI Packer, CS Lewis, EM Bounds – we used to call them “all the dead white guys.” I was discipled almost constantly for the first three years by both our senior pastor and the chaplain at the local rescue mission where I volunteered. It was a time of learning, and assimilating.

The first time I bumped up against the “don’t ask” rule was after missionaries from Papua New Guinea came to talk about their work creating a bible from scratch, for a people group that had no written language. It was fascinating to think about creating a language from scratch, and they were very sincere in their efforts to “reach” these people. Later that night when I got home, it dawned on me that this tribe had existed from quite some time before the missionary family had arrived. I wondered, “what happened to all the people that had died before they got there?” I mean, did they go to hell? That didn’t seem fair.

So I dropped in on our senior pastor the next day to ask my big theological question. I was proud of myself for thinking about this so deeply, and was sure I’d get another theological lesson out of it (which I loved). I had jumped into my studies with enthusiasm and was excited to learn. When I met my pastor and posed the question, it was the first time in all our meetings that I saw his countenance change in front of my eyes. He was not pleased! Why?! I suddenly felt nervous like I’d done something wrong. He quietly told me that at some point in every person’s life, god will make himself known to them in some way. Somehow there would be a reckoning where they would choose to believe, or not. It was all very vague. Now I’m not a theologian, but the question that popped into my mind, yet stuck in my throat refusing to come out was, “but if god shows up in our lives like that, why do we need churches to give the message?” But, my childhood training had taught me well: When a powerful man is upset with you, shut up. And I did.

This event sticks in my mind because it was the first time I learned there was ground you didn’t tread on. If only I had known about the historical-critical method of bible study at that time. If only I knew that the bible wasn’t the inerrant word of god. If only I knew that there were no original manuscripts. If only I knew of all the discrepancies. If only I knew.

Over the years, I filed away many questions I knew would label me a trouble-maker to ask. My good-girl, "be seen and not heard" childhood training was still my driving force. Don’t make waves. Don’t make waves. Don’t make waves. Say nothing. Put up with partial explanations. Turn a blind eye to hypocrisy. Endure voter guides and the pressure to vote “correctly.” Just fit in.

Three years into my life as a Christian, I would get married to someone who put on holy face in church, but turned out to be worse than my dad ever was at home. I endured a divorce in those early years, and was told because it was “just” abuse, it wasn’t a scriptural divorce. I would never be free to remarry, unless it was him! It was floated that I should hang in there.

Instead, I got out after fourteen months, and almost didn’t survive it. Feeling like no decent man would ever want me now, I did more than contemplate my suicide: I planned it. Ultimately I didn’t carry it out, but it was close. I stopped myself on the day I had planned to drive to the bridge I would jump off. My affairs were all in order, and letters were written and left in my apartment. It took three years of counseling to be OK again. And still, I didn’t leave the church. Not for a long, long time.

Next up on the hit parade was the split of our 3,000-person church. This was something to watch unfold. It was deeply disturbing and ugly. I had a front row seat, since it involved a power struggle between two pastors, both of whom I deeply cared for. The church did split, and it was never the same. It then split again. A few years later, the building was sold and today it no longer exists. To this day, people don't speak to each other. Families were split. Life long friendships ended. All over two men's egos. The bible tells us that god will hold leaders to a higher standard of accountability. I've never seen any leader in the church act as if they gave a crap about that admonition. If there was a holy spirit guiding people, I never saw it. I saw a hell of a lot of self-will run riot though.

I saw affairs that were tolerated by big tithers, while those that didn’t have the same financial standing, were thrown out. I learned the many unwritten rules of membership. Which TV programs were OK, which weren’t. Looking like you had it all together was approved of, having problems was not. If you had struggles, this meant your walk with the Lord was at fault, and the fault was always yours. People with real problems were shamed into silence. Including me.

One of the Christianese sayings goes, “If you feel far from god, guess who moved?” This and other fluffy platitudes were highest depths of theological introspection that the laity could come up with. I grew to hate these sayings. They were an assault to intelligence. Still, I was silent.

As the years wore on, I slowly began to see something more sinister take root. Maybe it was always there to a degree. I know the rabbinic tradition calls for questioning and reinterpretation of scripture, so I saw Jesus as simply operating within that framework. What's interesting is how everything comes around again. The Christian church (at least in America, which is all I can speak to), is very much like those Pharisees of old that Jesus railed against. Over and over I would wonder why leadership didn’t see it this way. Everything was cast in stone. Either all the bible was true, or none of it was. The earth was new. Dinosaurs and man coexisted. By this time, my counseling had served me well, and was getting more and more emotionally healthy. I knew this type of pseudo-reasoning was black-and-white thinking, which was dysfunctional. Their very own Jesus didn’t operate this way! He questioned the authority and wisdom of the current religious leaders and traditions.

Critical thinking is completely lost today in general, but the lack of it is almost a requirement to subscribe to the tenants of evangelical Christianity. I'm teaching my son logic and critical thinking, because I want him to have the tools. I look up and down the comment sections on social media and I see nothing but ad hominem attacks, straw-man arguments, etc. And it's no wonder. Our politicians have been winning elections with this kind of rhetoric for... well, for a long time. Pair that with reality TV and the dumbing down of America is complete.

 

The ultimate irony is that the church today teaches Sheep 101, and rewards you for falling in line, towing the party line and not making waves. The exact opposite of who their very own Jesus was.

About the time I started seeing the tide of opinion changing on doing outreach to the homeless and the hurting, it was the beginning of the end for me. A deep dissatisfaction was growing at how the church was ignoring most of the teachings of Jesus. For years, there had been a growing faction that had turned into a groundswell that took on "biblical" causes that dovetailed with political positions. The hypocrisy of whipping out the Bible to discriminate or legislate against minority people groups, while simultaneously ignoring most of the very-well-spelled-out teachings of Jesus on enemy love, and other inconvenient teachings, was all I could take.

One day the dam just burst. Everything I had “filed” for so many years under my “cognitive dissonance file cabinet” just exploded. I began to Google topics related to my dissatisfaction with Christianity and that was when I knew I could never go back. It took over twenty years to have my final straw moment, but as I began to learn about all the problems with the bible, my beliefs just evaporated. But it would take me another three years to do something about it. I was in emotional turmoil all of the time at this point. I knew I’d be leaving my entire social network. I poured myself into music. I joined a second band. I filled my days with busyness and outreach. I was running from myself, and the hard decisions I knew I needed to make. Maybe if I decide not to decide.... but the lyrics of RUSH’s song Free Will rang in my head. “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”

In the end, the church made it easy for me. My son was being picked on for not “hating Obama” enough for his peer’s satisfaction, I overheard the outreach pastor talk about how the homeless were “wrecking this town” and my main band threw a member out because they were divorced and weren’t qualified to minister from the platform. By this time, were in a new state, and our current church had been our home for five years. But no one knew I was divorced. Something inside me broke in late 2015.
The final straw was Focus on the Family’s James Dobson advocating for Trump. I’d loved that organization, donated to it, and was completely dumbfounded at his defense of this man from a believer’s point of view. It was like I suddenly saw the truth. The church was a power structure, tapped into man’s need to believe in something higher than himself. Centuries of control, money, and forced adherence to man-made doctrine. Secrets about the bible’s issues and problems kept from the laypeople. I was sickened. I told my husband we were out of there, no matter the cost. I quit both bands, walked out, and never came back.

I will close with something I wrote as a believer, back in 1998. Even then, I saw the problems. No more.
 

Quote

 

By in large, evil is portrayed as an abstract concept in the church today. Attributable to only the devil it seems. If by some chance of ‘pure misfortune’, we participate in an evil act, then “the devil made us do it.”  Certainly, let us not dare to identify evil in our midst. Where did Matthew 18 go in our doctrinal teaching? We cast a downward gaze on society for non-accountability while failing to ask ourselves – where is our own? Do we or do we not take responsibility for our actions? Why is free will looked upon as something only “non-Christian” participate in when they choose against Christ? Do we not as Christians have equally free will to sin? Lie? Cover it up? Who’s talking about this? How are we as Christians, combating the world’s charge, “hypocrites”!

Why, when evil resides in our very midst do we turn away? It’s as if we want to cast the same blind eye that we readily claim “the world” has! This “paradox” of sorts ought not to exist. Self-honesty and accountability were at the very heart of Jesus’s teachings.

It is precisely because we continually fail to hold ourselves to the standard God says we should that the world, fraught with problems, doesn’t line itself up on our doorstep for answers. Until we begin to live our lives as more than just a badly warmed-over facsimile of Christ, how can we expect the world to take notice? How can we expect revival in our communities?

Well, I guess you know the answer to that. There is no revival. There is, however, a hell of a lot of “Dones” like me, stampeding in mass exodus out the doors of the church. Now to that I can say, “Thank god!”

 

[LogicalFallacy]

Great testimony Riven. You've certainly been through some hard times. You highlighted many of the issues of Christianity above. I hope others take note and learn from your experience.

 

All the best.

 

LF

[MOHO]

24 minutes ago, Riven said:

Critical thinking is completely lost today in general, but the lack of it is almost a requirement to subscribe to the tenants of evangelical Christianity.

 

Critical thinking and studying history don't seem to be as ubiquitous as they once were in some circles but, in others, they are front and center. I think that's why the pews are emptying out in many geographic locations. 

 

As far as religion goes, however, both of those things need to take a back seat if one is to stay in the fold.  I will never forget my one-on-one with pastor asshat when, after about an hour of coming from a standpoint of logic/reason/history (real, provable history), when he said "You just have to BELIEVE! Then God will answer."

 

WTF? What does that even mean?

I realized then and there that religions is bullshit. 

[MOHO]

BTW, that's some nasty shit you've had to endure, @Riven

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you don't think all men are scum-sucking shit-bags. I'm not saying I'm not but in general...

[Riven]

27 minutes ago, MOHO said:

 I will never forget my one-on-one with pastor asshat when, after about an hour of coming from a standpoint of logic/reason/history (real, provable history), when he said "You just have to BELIEVE! Then God will answer."

 

That's it right there! Faith (believing without seeing) is held up as the pinnacle of achievement! No critical thinking allowed. It's a crazy "catch all" for not just inexpiable things, but for questions that should be put through a critical analysis. It's totally bonkers!

 

27 minutes ago, MOHO said:

BTW, that's some nasty shit you've had to endure, @Riven

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you don't think all men are scum-sucking shit-bags. I'm not saying I'm not but in general...

 

LOL. No, amazingly I'm OK today in that regard. And, thanks to those three years with a great counselor, I was able to pick better the next time around!

[ConsiderTheSource]

With the exception of your father, everything; I mean almost everything, in your testimony sounds soooo familar.

[Riven]

1 hour ago, ConsiderTheSource said:

With the exception of your father, everything; I mean almost everything, in your testimony sounds soooo familar.

 

Thanks for sharing that. It helps to know I’m not alone in these experiences! 

[Joshpantera]

Don't mind me, no hidden agenda here: 

 

 

[Riven]

Yep, @Joshpantera - life can pretty much be summed up with any song lyric! And this one's a favorite of mine!

[MYRTBOS]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Isn't it wonderful to be free of cognitive dissonance!!! Congratulations on your escape and all the best as you move forward in the light of reality.

[sdelsolray]

4 hours ago, MYRTBOS said:

Thank you so much for sharing this. Isn't it wonderful to be free of cognitive dissonance!!! Congratulations on your escape and all the best as you move forward in the light of reality.

 

Cognitive dissonance is a valuable and healthy tool.  When it appears, it allows me to consciously identify conflicting ideas and information.

 

I agree that a lesser amount of cognitive dissonance is likely an indicator of a healthier mind, or at least a mind that has resolved prior dissonances.  But the tool must first be available for this to occur.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Thank you, Riven. Your testimony really spoke to me. Yes, your free will is yours to take... and your responsibility to take. I also completely agree that the Evangelicals are the modern day Pharisees and Judases. It look a lot of courage to weave your way out of that programming - give yourself credit for that! You deserve it!

[Geezer]

When a testimoney is lengthy I usually don't read all of it,  because they are often similar to what all of us have experienced. I read every word of your story because it was so interesting and well written. I am happy for you that you got out and that you found this site. I read all of your posts because you write interesting & thought provoking  posts. 

 

You're an asset to our little community. 

 

 

[Riven]

@MYRTBOS - It is wonderful to be out of such tension, holding competing thoughts for so long. As @sdelsolray said, our cognitive dissonance serves us well to inform us, however refusing to look at things doesn't. It took what it took, but I'm glad to be on my way out. 

 

@DestinyTurtle - thank you! It's been a rough road, and it's not without irony that I say I'm taking the road less traveled. It's easy to stay stuck, and harder to take steps into the unknown. But as you said, my life, my responsibility. I'm willing to step up!

 

@Geezer - You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.