Male Domestic Abuse?

[inorbit]

What do you say to a guy friend who's the victim in a domestic abuse scenario? He refuses to hit back, and always takes her back. I've told him she won't change, that she needs help, and that he needs to get out of the situation, that he has nothing to feel "guilty" or "responsible" for. She drinks too much and then attacks him. Happens a few times a month. He has very visible marks and defensive wounds. She has not a scratch on her. He tried to stop her, but refuses to use force or hurt her. But he also refuses to leave her. If he was the she in the relationship, I'd be begging her/him to flee and find a safe house. The marks are that bad.

 

What do you say to encourage the guy to do the right thing? He needs support and she needs therapy. I think the fact that he doesn't hit back when he could easily overpower her says a lot about his character. He clearly loves and cares about her, too. Any ideas on what he might need to hear right now?

 

Domestic abuse sucks. I've seen it growing up, but never with this role reversal.

 

**EDIT** Also, no idea what thread to put this under. I just wanted some level-headed, non-religious advice and this is the only place I really know to find it right now.

[lunaticheathen]

I've seen it. But the crazy bitch would drug his food and beat the crap out of him while he was incapacitated. All domestic abuse is a terrible thing, and sadly, little is known, or done, about it when the male is the victim. The only thing he could do was divorce her.

 

Basically, he needs to seek help. Find a therapist and tell him/her. He has to, you can't. What *really* sucks about domestic violence is that you can call the cops all you like, but unless the abused complains, the cops can't do a damn thing. He must speak up.

 

I wish your friend all the best, and that he finds he support and help he needs. Just keep being his friend.

[inorbit]

Yeah, the extra enigma and shame around the man being the victim is making it harder for him to see the truth, that he doesn't have to take being treated like that. I will stand by his side and keep encouraging him to seek help. I know financially he can't afford that right now. I'll look into state resources for him. I'm sure they're out there (just not many for men). Thanks.

[WMDKitty]

Shit, it's hard enough getting out and getting help when you're a woman!

 

First things first, though -- have an escape plan, and be ready to go at any time.

Document ALL injuries.

GET A LAWYER.

GO TO THE POLICE.

GET THE FUCK OUT, DO NOT PASS "GO", DO NOT COLLECT $200.

 

I am dead serious. All he needs for a restraining order is a documented pattern of abuse and a reasonable fear for his safety.

[London]

Here is a link for some info, there is a USA number at the bottom. If your friend does not have a computer have him come over and read it. The best way to help him is to not treat domestic abuse as a gender issue but an abuse issue. Whatever advice you give a woman should also apply to a man.

 

I used to have an upstairs neighbor who was being beaten on by his girlfriend, it's horrible to hear regardless of gender. And it's really annoying to hear the cops come over and bang the door down.

 

http://www.pandys.org/articles/maledomesticviolence.html

[Sybaris]

He better get outta there before he wakes up one night sans penis

[Akheia]

You know, some states no longer require the "speaking up" of the victim to make an arrest. The last state I lived in was like that; they know that the abused partner often doesn't want to cause trouble by pressing claims, so now the police who investigate these incidents don't need that complicit cooperation if they see abuse occurring. If you're seeing visible injuries, feel free to talk to the authorities in your area about your suspicions. Chances are they will take you very seriously.

[Cracked]

I've been on the wrong side of domestic violence with two different psychotic women. Tell your friend to go out and screw the next thing that crosses his path, then go back and tell his GF. With any luck she will break up with him and leave after he gets his last beating (but make sure that he has a witness with him).

 

She's liable to hurt herself and tell the police that he did it if she's like some of my ex-GFs. He can always get a restraint order. At one point I hired someone to live in my house, and stay by my side just to be my witness, and I slept in a locked garage at night.

 

BTW, limit yourself on how much you get involved. I know it's difficult, but please try. When he is tired of it, he will end it.

[Margee]

I feel personally that codependancy is at the root of why anyone would stay and allow someone to abuse them in any way......physically or mentally......The fear of abandonent can keep people stuck in toxic relationships for years......Been there - done that....

 

They need to understand why they are staying in abusive conditions....a few questions for any of us to ask ourselves.....

 

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

 

http://mentalhealtha...go/codependency

[Kaiser01]

Man that sucks, i say just run away.

[Akheia]

If it were a woman being abused, nobody'd be telling her to just deal with it. Nobody'd be telling her to risk her life by telling her abuser that she'd cheated on him to try to pre-empt a breakup (yeah, that works marvelously). Nobody'd be telling her neighbors to leave her alone and let her work things out for herself. I find it telling that the "solutions" offered to a male victim are so different than those offered to a woman. Treat it like a woman being abused. The abuser is breaking the fucking law by injuring someone like that. And abuse only escalates. It never dies off by itself or gets less serious. By not speaking up, the people around the victim who know of the abuse may be contributing to him getting maimed or even killed one day.

[Cracked]

If it were a woman being abused, nobody'd be telling her to just deal with it. Nobody'd be telling her to risk her life by telling her abuser that she'd cheated on him to try to pre-empt a breakup (yeah, that works marvelously). Nobody'd be telling her neighbors to leave her alone and let her work things out for herself. I find it telling that the "solutions" offered to a male victim are so different than those offered to a woman. Treat it like a woman being abused. The abuser is breaking the fucking law by injuring someone like that. And abuse only escalates. It never dies off by itself or gets less serious. By not speaking up, the people around the victim who know of the abuse may be contributing to him getting maimed or even killed one day.

 

Then may I suggest an intervention and a timeout in the relationship ? It's been my experience that most people don't change. But equal rights would be nice.

[Akheia]

I'm really not sure if a relationship based around fear and abuse can ever really become healthy with any amount of "time-outs" or interventions. It's an interesting question, but I would be very hesitant to entrust my physical safety to someone who'd proven already that he could reach a place in himself where that didn't matter to him. The best thing to do really is to get out of the relationship and fix whatever broken thing inside the victim that led to him/her thinking of abusers as romantic prospects in the first place.

[VacuumFlux]

I would recommend looking into specific abuse support groups. Depending on the area and the individuals involved, the cops may be less likely to take a male domestic abuse victim seriously. Get the injuries documented by a medical professional. Keep records; times, dates, places, etc that abuse happens - this will help a lot in court if you need to prove that this is ongoing, or to show the jury why they should believe that she has any self-inflicted wounds if she tries to play that game.

 

The most useful thing that I can think of you, as a friend, doing is to vet the local help available for domestic abuse victims and find him a knowledgeable advocate who won't dismiss his concerns because of his gender. Urge him to contact such a person or organization. That way, when/if he does takes the steps he needs to take care of himself, he won't have to fight through assholes on the way.

[openpalm45]

Man... That is a tough situation. And I have seen it, firsthand.

My dad married a woman who was my stepmother for 4 years. I lived with them the majority of that time. She would get angry and drunk, and violent towards my dad. I, myself, had to hold her down several times, because she would go so fucking nuts crazy angry drunk. She would even do things like bite him. Tried to bite his dick, even. He had bite marks all over his legs and she even bit him on his head. She got out knives. My dad was so blinded (or codependent) that he stayed, not only when she was hurting him, but when he was putting me, his own daughter, in danger as well. Thankfully, she respected me too much to ever do anything to me, but I could have gotten hurt in the middle of their fights (which they would always pull me into, as mediator). She even went to jail twice, but nothing came of it because my dad would go back and say "well, we were both fighting" and lied to the courts.

My dad never really did get the guts to tell her to leave. I finally left. Then things got worse with them. She started treating him like shit. My dad just wanted so badly for it to work because he loved her so much and was so codependent, and was afraid to be alone. It finally ended when I called the cops on them, after my dad called me (on my birthday) to ask for help in their fight. I was so scared I couldnt fall asleep, so I called the cops. She had told him that if he called the cops on her one more time she would leave. So she did. They kind of got back together again at one point, but she was too bitchy to him, and was taking advantage of him, and my dad would call us crying. So my sister and I finally stepped in and did what he didnt have the courage to do. We called her and I yelled at her (which was a big surprise to her, because I dont yell. I had been nothing but patient and kind with her up to that point, even with all of her shit, because I was still a Christian and trying to be a good, loving Christian and I knew nothing about boundaries) and I told her to leave my dad alone and that we wanted nothing to do with her. She was moving on anyways, and was just using my dad for his money at this point.

If my dad had it his way though, I think he would be back with her.

So, I dont really have an answer for you. These situations are so complicated. The only things that seemed to work with my dad was telling him things like "You deserve so much better than this." and "She is treating you like shit!". Things that opened his eyes a little bit to the situation. When he saw me want to stand up for him, it made him feel a little bit like he could stand up for himself (but this was only after several years of abuse.) They need to know that they deserve better and that this is NOT okay. Likely, they will just find excuses, because they want to be with that person so badly, and they want to make it work. But it wont. She wont change. It will just get worse and worse and worse. I know from experience.

I sincerely hope that your friend gets out of this.

[RankStranger]

This guy is in a dangerous situation in that the system is stacked against people who happen to have a penis. He could easily find HIMSELF arrested for domestic violence if he isn't careful. And if he isn't willing to extricate himself from the situation, then IMO he's deliberately engaging in self-destructive behavior.

[Yrth]

Do you live in the US, inorbit?

 

Documenting the abuse is important. Get photos. A video would be perfect. Even if he doesn't plan on using it, he'll probably need it as proof of what's going on.

[Mike D]

I don't do well around people who can't control themselves (whether male or female), in fact it's one of the few things that make me genuinely hate someone because it's so pathetic and weak.

 

If I am attacked physically there's a little "kill, kill, kill" switch in the back of my brain that goes off and my only objective is to eliminate said threat, by whatever means necessary. In other words, make sure there's no butcher knives or guns in the house 'cos i'll use them if needed!

 

Otherwise i'm just a nice friendly guy

 

By no means am I saying shoot the bitch, what I am saying is that I have to avoid people like this because one of us likely would end up dead

 

My advice would be for this person to remove himself from the situation immediately - no good can come from this at all, IMO.

[openpalm45]

Oh! Yeah, I forgot to add: He needs to document EVERYTHING. He needs to take pictures of his marks, and even record her when she is violent if he can. This could turn into a legal mess someday, and he NEEDS to protect himself.

Best case scenario he leaves and gets a restraining order though. This is serious stuff, and will likely only get worse and worse.

[lunaticheathen]

You know, some states no longer require the "speaking up" of the victim to make an arrest. The last state I lived in was like that; they know that the abused partner often doesn't want to cause trouble by pressing claims, so now the police who investigate these incidents don't need that complicit cooperation if they see abuse occurring. If you're seeing visible injuries, feel free to talk to the authorities in your area about your suspicions. Chances are they will take you very seriously.

 

Guess I've never been fortunate enough to live in one of these states, because I've been to the police multiple times for a friend who was abused and scared, and they wouldn't do jack shit, because the victim wasn't there. Didn't matter what proof I had either. Maybe the south is just uncivilized and sucks assholes. Oh wait.

[Akheia]

MUST... CONTROL... FIST OF DEATH

 

WTF! If you called 911 to report a mugging, the cops would be out there like a fucking shot. But someone beating the shit out of his/her partner? That's a private matter. Don't get involved. Avert your eyes. They're just arguing. It'll blow over. But they love each other deep down. Don't judge. Don't interfere. It's their business. Do I have a nice black dress?

[LoneTarus]

If I was in his situation I would be scared shitless because even if I did report the abuse I could end up in jail instead of her despite being the one with all the evidence in my corner. because the court system here if you are a male is guilty until proven innocent and if you don't have good money for a lawyer proving your innocence is not going to happen. She can basically just make shit up and be believed as the victim here and turn things 100% into her favor. The best possible outcome would be to just leave and hope she doesn't try to use the legal system against him in revenge for leaving the relationship.

 

Am I being too cynical here or is that really how things are today? I hope I'm just too cynical and things really aren't that bleak.

[Yrth]

If I was in his situation I would be scared shitless because even if I did report the abuse I could end up in jail instead of her despite being the one with all the evidence in my corner. because the court system here if you are a male is guilty until proven innocent and if you don't have good money for a lawyer proving your innocence is not going to happen. She can basically just make shit up and be believed as the victim here and turn things 100% into her favor. The best possible outcome would be to just leave and hope she doesn't try to use the legal system against him in revenge for leaving the relationship.

 

Am I being too cynical here or is that really how things are today? I hope I'm just too cynical and things really aren't that bleak.

Where is 'here?' If it's the US, then yeah I think you're being too cynical. If you have all the evidence in your corner, no judge will rule against you.

[LoneTarus]

If I was in his situation I would be scared shitless because even if I did report the abuse I could end up in jail instead of her despite being the one with all the evidence in my corner. because the court system here if you are a male is guilty until proven innocent and if you don't have good money for a lawyer proving your innocence is not going to happen. She can basically just make shit up and be believed as the victim here and turn things 100% into her favor. The best possible outcome would be to just leave and hope she doesn't try to use the legal system against him in revenge for leaving the relationship.

 

Am I being too cynical here or is that really how things are today? I hope I'm just too cynical and things really aren't that bleak.

Where is 'here?' If it's the US, then yeah I think you're being too cynical. If you have all the evidence in your corner, no judge will rule against you.

 

I wan't to believe that but what I saw going through the court system myself doesn't seem to stack up. (It wasn't for anything similar to this case but I saw how other people's cases went and how the facts were totally distorted in my own case along with how little a public defender gets you. You are more likely to make a plea deal and end up as guilty anyway than ever having the case go through to the end. I can easily see him calling the cops and then when they ask her questions, it gets turned around and he is the one with charges. from there he will be pressured to make a plea deal or have an excessive sentence. all while being locked up in a jail for months and having very limited access to a public defender that doesn't give a damn other than making a plea agreement with the DA)

[Yrth]

If I was in his situation I would be scared shitless because even if I did report the abuse I could end up in jail instead of her despite being the one with all the evidence in my corner. because the court system here if you are a male is guilty until proven innocent and if you don't have good money for a lawyer proving your innocence is not going to happen. She can basically just make shit up and be believed as the victim here and turn things 100% into her favor. The best possible outcome would be to just leave and hope she doesn't try to use the legal system against him in revenge for leaving the relationship.

 

Am I being too cynical here or is that really how things are today? I hope I'm just too cynical and things really aren't that bleak.

Where is 'here?' If it's the US, then yeah I think you're being too cynical. If you have all the evidence in your corner, no judge will rule against you.

 

I wan't to believe that but what I saw going through the court system myself doesn't seem to stack up. (It wasn't for anything similar to this case but I saw how other people's cases went and how the facts were totally distorted in my own case along with how little a public defender gets you. You are more likely to make a plea deal and end up as guilty anyway than ever having the case go through to the end. I can easily see him calling the cops and then when they ask her questions, it gets turned around and he is the one with charges. from there he will be pressured to make a plea deal or have an excessive sentence. all while being locked up in a jail for months and having very limited access to a public defender that doesn't give a damn other than making a plea agreement with the DA)

Well, listen, you asked what would happen if all the evidence was in his favor. If all the evidence is in his favor, he's not going to be arrested or charged or denied bail. Our justice system is not that absurd.

 

For obvious reasons, the overwhelming majority of domestic violence cases involve battered women, not battered men. So there's a natural presumption to blame the man in a sticky dom rel call, especially if the police pull up and there's two assholes in the street flinging what's left of the wedding china at each other. That's why it's important for this person to document everything and to keep his own hands clean.