More Than A Little Confused

[Vigile]

I'll try and keep this brief, but I would appreciate anyone's insight here as I'm super confused at the moment.

 

I met a fellow American my first year here in Russia and we have been pretty good friends every since; keeping in touch on sometimes a daily basis. I've enjoyed having him as a friend in addition to my Russian friends as we both have similar experiences living in Russia and can empathize with one another as fellow Americans.

 

Long story short, he just sent me a message out of the blue accusing me of using people, that I'll do anything to get my way, and good bye and fuck off.

 

I honestly haven't a clue what he is talking about and I've never been accused of anything like this before.

 

A little background. A few years ago, he just dropped all contact with me for over a year. He blocked phone calls, etc... My wife and I could only guess it was because she didn't get him a sweater which he requested when she was on a business trip in Italy because she couldn't find his size. Seriously. That's it as we didn't have any kind of falling out, disagreements, nothing.

 

After this, he just called me out of the blue and we picked up where we left off as friends. I've never discussed the disappearance with him and he never brought it up. I guess I have felt that he's skittish and that if I asked him about it it might trigger whatever it was that caused the first incident.

 

I also know he takes anti depressants and that he is a border line alcoholic.

 

In any case, it looks like I've just lost a friend. I feel horrible about the whole thing but again, equally confused. Anyone care to play arm chair psych with this?

[AuthenticMe]

OK, he's got issues of which you know nothing about. That's pretty clear since there's no communication to you about his needs in the friendship. This forces you to give up or attempt to be a psychic - which is exhausting. I think the more important question than "why he is acting this way" is "why do I feel responsible for his bad behavior?" Some people are not solvable. I've found that life is more satisfying focusing on the people who want to have a healthy relationship with me than trying to rescue the enigmas.

[silentknight]

Yeah. The problem is clearly with him.

 

I knew a person who was always complaining about drama, and people plotting against her. At first, you think, "wow, these people she's talking about sound like real creeps"... However, after there being a new "crazy person" in her life every week one starts to realize the problem is her. She was always seeing "evil" intention in everyone around her and took the smallest slight as an offence, then retelling the stories with exaggeration to make her the "good guy".

[TrueFreedom]

He may have been very drunk or messed up from a combination of his meds and alcohol when he wrote that. If you would like to look past it you might reach out to him. If not, it sounds like it's all on him.

[Overcame Faith]

He is projecting his own personality traits on you.

[Vigile]

OK, he's got issues of which you know nothing about. That's pretty clear since there's no communication to you about his needs in the friendship. This forces you to give up or attempt to be a psychic - which is exhausting. I think the more important question than "why he is acting this way" is "why do I feel responsible for his bad behavior?" Some people are not solvable. I've found that life is more satisfying focusing on the people who want to have a healthy relationship with me than trying to rescue the enigmas.

 

Yeah, I guess I don't feel responsible for his behavior. I just feel like I was kicked in the stomach. I suppose since something like this happened before, I shouldn't be shocked, but I'm assuming our friendship is over. That hurts to be honest.

[Vigile]

Yeah. The problem is clearly with him.

 

I knew a person who was always complaining about drama, and people plotting against her. At first, you think, "wow, these people she's talking about sound like real creeps"... However, after there being a new "crazy person" in her life every week one starts to realize the problem is her.

 

That's a really good point. He always seems to have a problem with others and spend a lot of time gossiping to me about them. He gets obsessive over it and just repeats the same stories for several weeks.

[Vigile]

He may have been very drunk or messed up from a combination of his meds and alcohol when he wrote that. If you would like to look past it you might reach out to him. If not, it sounds like it's all on him.

 

He unfriended me from FB, but I sent him an email apologizing if I had offended him, expressing my confusion and then wishing him the very best. It's up to him to mend fences now I guess.

[Vigile]

He is projecting his own personality traits on you.

 

Interesting. I do wish I knew what triggered it though. We were having a friendly chat on FB this morning and this evening I get this message.

[TrueFreedom]

Yeah. The problem is clearly with him.

 

I knew a person who was always complaining about drama, and people plotting against her. At first, you think, "wow, these people she's talking about sound like real creeps"... However, after there being a new "crazy person" in her life every week one starts to realize the problem is her.

 

That's a really good point. He always seems to have a problem with others and spend a lot of time gossiping to me about them. He gets obsessive over it and just repeats the same stories for several weeks.

 

If he'll gossip and slander others to you he'll gossip and slander you to others. Doesn't sound like someone you need in your life.

[Vigile]

Yeah. The problem is clearly with him.

 

I knew a person who was always complaining about drama, and people plotting against her. At first, you think, "wow, these people she's talking about sound like real creeps"... However, after there being a new "crazy person" in her life every week one starts to realize the problem is her.

 

That's a really good point. He always seems to have a problem with others and spend a lot of time gossiping to me about them. He gets obsessive over it and just repeats the same stories for several weeks.

 

If he'll gossip and slander others to you he'll gossip and slander you to others. Doesn't sound like someone you need in your life.

 

I know all of that is true, but TBH, he was my only real link to the US/home for me here and I always enjoyed his company despite his flaws. I tend to be pretty forgiving of flawed people as they can be very interesting and I know I have many of my own. I just feel really badly about this right now.

[florduh]

I always knew Vig was a dick.

[TrueFreedom]

 

If he'll gossip and slander others to you he'll gossip and slander you to others. Doesn't sound like someone you need in your life.

 

I know all of that is true, but TBH, he was my only real link to the US/home for me here and I always enjoyed his company despite his flaws. I tend to be pretty forgiving of flawed people as they can be very interesting and I know I have many of my own. I just feel really badly about this right now.

 

I can relate. That really sucks.

[Vigile]

I always knew Vig was a dick.

 

You're just fishing for points.

[noob]

I also know he takes anti depressants and that he is a border line alcoholic.

 

This is probably at the root of the problem. I have had a lot of interaction with drug addicts and alcoholics and it can be exhausting trying to figure them out. If you have the patience to deal with him and if the benefit of his friendship outweighs the hurt feelings then wait for him to return and pick up where you left off. Just know that it will most likely be a never ending drama. It's not you. It's him. Good luck, Vigile!

[Akheia]

It really isn't about you, you know. He accuses you of his own faults. It's worth noting that what pissed him off last time was your wife not buying him a sweater in Italy, and he dropped you guys--until his isolation and need for a verbal whipping boy drove him to re-open communications. Chances are he's burned his bridges with everybody else, so you got the lucky golden ticket. Your real error was letting him pick up where he'd left off without demanding some kind of apology. That's nice of you, but it gives folks like him the leeway they need to serially abuse others. As Hansel put it so well, "Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out." He was willing to reconcile, but first he had to settle the issues out. I hate to give too much credit to male supermodels, but in this situation I think he had the right idea.

 

When your fuckup needs social interaction again, he'll be back. When that day rises, don't be scared to demand he straighten some shit out before you let him hide in your loft.

[Vigile]

I also know he takes anti depressants and that he is a border line alcoholic.

 

This is probably at the root of the problem. I have had a lot of interaction with drug addicts and alcoholics and it can be exhausting trying to figure them out. If you have the patience to deal with him and if the benefit of his friendship outweighs the hurt feelings then wait for him to return and pick up where you left off. Just know that it will most likely be a never ending drama. It's not you. It's him. Good luck, Vigile!

 

Thanks noob. Based on how this went last time when he just cut off all communication with no explanation, I'm pretty much guessing I won't get the chance to work through this. I guess I just have to grieve a lost friend and be done with it. If he is at some point willing to talk about it, I'll definitely be more than forgiving. I know he's a hurting individual and that he was psychologically abused by his mother, so I have no hard feelings toward him, just hurt feelings.

[Vigile]

until his isolation and need for a verbal whipping boy drove him to re-open communications

 

Last time he didn't say anything. He just left my wife and I guessing. The sweater was the best we could do with our imagination. I've never even had an argument with him.

 

 

Chances are he's burned his bridges with everybody else

 

Yes, unfortunately this is true. He's even cut off his family and I was his only friend. I know there are red flags everywhere here. Like I said, I tend to befriend flawed people (I don't like how that sounds as I dearly love my friends. I'm just trying to analyze this as this is the only way I know how to cope with it all).

[midniterider]

I always knew Vig was a dick.

 

Won't even buy his buddy a sweater...jeez. :-)

[Margee]

Vigile, this really sucks and hurts a lot. My best friend in the whole world who is also my 1st cousin, (we grew up together) started to do this to me on and off for the last ten years. I would always apologize. He sent me an e-mail one time... the day before I went on a cruise (I got all excited thinking he was going to wish me a good trip) and it was so hateful, that it almost ruined my whole cruise.....I had a good cry for a couple of days. I have finally let him go. The person I grew up with no longer exists and I had to face the fact. I took his abuse and that's what it is...one last time (not long ago) and have never written to him in 6 months now. Add alcohol to this kind of personality and you do have trouble!!

 

I tried talking to him to find out what I might be doing to aggravate him.... nothing really lasted long after that....he'd pull away....bring me back in.....When people start to swing high and low.....I get out now..it's just too draining.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know you will make the best decision! Good luck my friend!

[Eugene39]

I agree it hurts. I had someone dump me this February that I'd been friends with for a little over 20 years, simply because I don't buy everything his favorite conspiracy theorist talk show host believes.

Last time he didn't say anything. He just left my wife and I guessing. The sweater was the best we could do with our imagination. I've never even had an argument with him.

It seems to me that it's ridiculous that he would do that. Even though it hurts, it's a decision of whether or not you want him and his drama in your life.

[RankStranger]

I always knew Vig was a dick.

 

You're just fishing for points.

 

I think you mean he's a douche.

 

Like DoucheBear.

[Blue elephant]

Hi Vigile

 

Here's one scenario that might be happening.

 

Perhaps he has lost his job because of the drinking and he is trying to believe that he has been sabotaged by gossip as a way of avoiding the "alcohol" issue?

 

I would not be surprised if he walks back in to your life again after a while as though nothing happened.

 

I suppose the question for you is whether he is going to be bad mouthing you. And if he is doing that, you may have to consider the future with him very carefully if he contacts you again.

[BrotherJosh]

I've had a similar experience with a friend and his wife. One day our friendship was going along great, then out of the blue we just didn't talk anymore. And it wasn't the normal drifting apart thing. We literally overnight became awkward, didn't talk, and almost "enemies" if that sounds about right. Never found out why. From my experience (not as extensive as yours, Vig) is that most people have a lot going on beyond what they present. Hopes, fears, dreams, issues, mental issues, irritants, secret thoughts etc... and we aren't privy to them. You mentioned the guy is a drinker, could be because he is masking some other problem. Either way, best thing you can do is to wait and see. If he moves on, well whatever, if not maybe try to pry deeper? Another question to ask yourself is, "do I want any drama in my life"? This guy may be adding drama, and not also being a positive force in the relationship. People can become emotionally draining.

[Vigile]

I agree it hurts. I had someone dump me this February that I'd been friends with for a little over 20 years, simply because I don't buy everything his favorite conspiracy theorist talk show host believes.

Last time he didn't say anything. He just left my wife and I guessing. The sweater was the best we could do with our imagination. I've never even had an argument with him.

It seems to me that it's ridiculous that he would do that. Even though it hurts, it's a decision of whether or not you want him and his drama in your life.

 

He responded to my confused reply telling me why he is angry. He said he tried to get me a job and I fucked him.

 

Here's the story if anyone's interested. I'm getting my Russian residency and one of the requirements is that I have a proven income. For the past 10 years I've worked for myself and don't have an income I can prove to the Russian government. Thus, I need to get a part time job teaching English or something. He gave me the contact info for a guy at an English school, I set up an interview, met with them, and was given this horrific grammar test wanting me to explain the use of a gerund and the difference between present perfect continuous and past perfect, etc... There was 8 pages of this, so I told the school I would need to go home and brush up on it, otherwise I would fail.

 

Then, in our conversation yesterday, I told him, I wasn't sure if I'd go back to that school as I have an interview with a couple of other schools and perhaps they won't be so crazy about formal grammar rules, which I think students don't need anyway.

 

That's it. I guess I used him because he told me a name of a school to look up on the internet and the phone number of a guy who works there. And apparently this was such a huge slight that it's worth nuking a friendship over.