Stupid Things Fundies Say Or Do To Bring Others Back Into The Fold

[Wings]

I went to a funeral/sermon today. It's always bugged me, even as a Xian, how they would preach at funerals, and say things like 'we have hoooope in Jeeeesuuusss".

 

Also hate when they hijack events to preach... I've seen this at a number of weddings, especially ones that have a number of non-members in attendance, to preach about hell, divorce, fornication, adultery etc. Nasty things that don't belong.

At one cousins' wedding, the minister spent about 10 minutes telling them how they should read their bible to each other when they're on their death beds (yes, 10 minutes. The whole sermon was over an hour... and yes, most guests were falling asleep).

[Wings]

I went to a funeral/sermon today. It's always bugged me, even as a Xian, how they would preach at funerals, and say things like 'we have hoooope in Jeeeesuuusss". It's attacking those who feel vunerable or lost, and instead of being about the person, you get to hear 2 hours of JEEZUS and HEYVAN and "We will see him again, unlike those filthy stinkin nonbelievers!"

 

But then again, that's how they get ya! Scoop you up when your down! Fucking sharks...

 

I told my parents that they're not allowed to have anything religious at my funeral... and went a step further and requested that they hire professional mourners to dramatically sob and wail.

 

After my extended family went nuts on me for leaving the church, I requested (of my parents) that if I die and they have to look after my funeral, that my extended family not be invited, and that if they crash it and say anything religious and or nice about me (which would be hypocritical, cause they have nothing nice to say now), that the professional mourners pull out foam bats and beat them.

My mom actually laughed and told me I'd have to plan this myself. Thinking I may have to fake my death so I can watch...

 

sounds quite epic.

 

I'm not known for my maturity. She drew the line when I mentioned that it would be funny to have a giant frog on the lawn holding a sign saying "Kristen croaked"... I'd laugh.

[GardenerGal]

I went to a funeral/sermon today. It's always bugged me, even as a Xian, how they would preach at funerals, and say things like 'we have hoooope in Jeeeesuuusss". It's attacking those who feel vunerable or lost, and instead of being about the person, you get to hear 2 hours of JEEZUS and HEYVAN and "We will see him again, unlike those filthy stinkin nonbelievers!"

 

But then again, that's how they get ya! Scoop you up when your down! Fucking sharks...

 

I told my parents that they're not allowed to have anything religious at my funeral... and went a step further and requested that they hire professional mourners to dramatically sob and wail.

 

After my extended family went nuts on me for leaving the church, I requested (of my parents) that if I die and they have to look after my funeral, that my extended family not be invited, and that if they crash it and say anything religious and or nice about me (which would be hypocritical, cause they have nothing nice to say now), that the professional mourners pull out foam bats and beat them.

My mom actually laughed and told me I'd have to plan this myself. Thinking I may have to fake my death so I can watch...

 

sounds quite epic.

 

I'm not known for my maturity. She drew the line when I mentioned that it would be funny to have a giant frog on the lawn holding a sign saying "Kristen croaked"... I'd laugh.

 

Not immature, creative!

[VeryBerry]

One (idiot baptist then-)friend tried to get me to read the "Left Behind" books, saying they were "sort-of science fiction." I read the inside flap in the store, slammed the book down, called him, and told him if he valued our friendship in the slightest, he would not pull dirty lying tricks like that on me again, I'm not an idiot because I'm pagan, and there was no amount of trashy stupid christian fiction he could shove at me to get me to change my mind.

 

He didn't talk to me after that for years, until he had a psychotic break and showed up in New Orleans at 4am. Oh yeah. Fun stuff.

 

How deceiving of him! Well, what can we accept from most Christians? The pastors love to quote Malachi 3 to bilk their congregants out of money. We all know that Christianity was built on deception. I hope you don't talk to that jerk anymore.

[VeryBerry]

I went to a funeral/sermon today. It's always bugged me, even as a Xian, how they would preach at funerals, and say things like 'we have hoooope in Jeeeesuuusss".

 

Also hate when they hijack events to preach... I've seen this at a number of weddings, especially ones that have a number of non-members in attendance, to preach about hell, divorce, fornication, adultery etc. Nasty things that don't belong.

At one cousins' wedding, the minister spent about 10 minutes telling them how they should read their bible to each other when they're on their death beds (yes, 10 minutes. The whole sermon was over an hour... and yes, most guests were falling asleep).

 

That's hilarious. I went to a wedding two weeks ago, the pastor spent 10 minutes reminding my cousin that her husband is the head of the house and how she should submit to him; which pissed me off. On top of that, there was no first dance, no booze, no dancing period. A lot of couples from the church decided to share the secret of a good marriage throughout the whole fucking reception! How boring is the christian life! Dang!

[VeryBerry]

My wife's trying a passive agressive approach lately, reading more, listening to xian music more, etc. I guess she thinks I'll come back via osmosis.

 

Your wife has a lot in common with my mother. Is your wife Pentecostal? When I was in the Pentecostal church, I was taught to fill the air with praise and worship music to push demons away or to defeat them. Perhaps your wife is trying to defeat the demons in your head that caused you to abandon God.

 

Close!

 

She's technically Assembly of God, but thats only because we compromised. She was raised Catholic, and just attended a Charasmatic Catholic weekend seminar thingy. So now shes all full of the holy spook and fighting off demons and shit.

 

 

careful she may start sexual withholding until the spirit moves you to believe again.

 

she did enough of that the first 5 years of our marriage. Now situation's reversed. so the jokes on her.

 

bwahahahahahaaha

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation MCDaddy. No sex for 5 years! It's like a prison sentence.

[VeryBerry]

My favorite that I have heard several times from family is

 

You'll come back.

 

I have been told that I am just rebelling. Or it's just the rebellion stage. I am 35 years old...rebellion stage

[silentknight]

My favorite that I have heard several times from family is

 

You'll come back.

 

I have been told that I am just rebelling. Or it's just the rebellion stage. I am 35 years old...rebellion stage

Yeah.. I got the "rebelling" thing too. Its like Christians have all been given a manual of stupid thongs to say to atheists... o right.. that's the Bible.

[ShackledNoMore]

I challenged him to explain the following promise that Jesus made regarding his second coming: " Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till the see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." I told him that all of Jesus' contemporaries have died which shows that the promise he made was false. My cousin replied that if the bible says it, then it is true. He added that there have to be people from Jesus' time who are still living today just like the bible said.

 

Why yes, yes there are:

 

[VeryBerry]

Since I deconverted from Christianity I have been tight-lipped about my new beliefs. My family members are aware of the fact that I don't attend church services anymore. I choose not to debate with my fundy friends and family members to keep my sanity. In addition, most of them just know that I abhor organized religions, especially Christian denominations. Sometimes, my family members or friends would say or do something stupid to convince me to renew my personal relationship with Jesus. Let me give you a few examples:

 

Example 1: My cousin from Arizona was staying over my house this past weekend. Every time he visits me, he tries his best to reconvert me. However, last Sunday, he said and did something stupid that's worthy of a post. On Sunday night, after having dinner, my cousin asked if he could watch Sunday Best on BET (a christian singing competition show) hosted by Kirk Franklin, I reluctantly agreed to watch it with him. The whole show was dedicated to Andrae Crouch "the father of Gospel music". While two young men were giving a rendition of " We Are Not Ashamed," my cousin burst out singing with his eyes closed and both hands raised. He stopped in between lines to ask me, " Don't you miss it?" I couldn't help but laugh at his silliness. He continued singing and then claimed, " This song should convince you to go back to God." He added " My worship alone should give you nostalgia for the church." I must admit that I laughed in his face. How the fuck can someone's worship bring me back to God?

 

Example 2: My mom decided to read her bible and devotional in front of me a few times to see if I would feel bad for leaving God. She admitted to me that she will continue to lead by example (she considers herself the spiritual leader of our family). I was tempted to tell her that reading the bible was the primary reason why I jettisoned Christianity.

 

Example 3: In the early phases of my deconversion, I was really angry. I had a discussion with the same cousin mentioned in example 1 about the failed promises of the bible. I challenged him to explain the following promise that Jesus made regarding his second coming: " Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till the see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." I told him that all of Jesus' contemporaries have died which shows that the promise he made was false. My cousin replied that if the bible says it, then it is true. He added that there have to be people from Jesus' time who are still living today just like the bible said. I laughed so hard that day that I cried. I asked him to please introduce me to the over 2,000 year old folks who are still waiting for the return of Jesus. His defense was that there is a guy at his church who is better equipped to answer my questions. Mind you, my cousin is highly educated. I have no more words to explain this one, but I am still laughing.

 

 

Can you please share your experiences. I would love to know the tactics that your family and friends have employed to bring you back into the fold.

 

I am not 100 percent unbeleiving, I do think there is something out there. That being said, fundy christianity is not the answer and as of now, I have basically hinted or said to christians, "stay the fuck away from me" except for one. Also, when discussing anything with me, I want facts, not touchy feely shit.

 

I do believe in a higher power as well, but, it's not the bible god. When I first joined this site, a lot of members suggested that I might be a deist. Like you, I believe that there is something out there; however, some days, I don't believe in any gods or higher power. Most days, I do think that there is a higher power. Am I making sense? Or am I going crazy? My beliefs do shift from week to week. I don't think that I could never be a Christian again; I know too damn much. I saw through the deceptions and lies.

 

I don't remember if it was Buffetphan or Deva who said: " We become Christians for emotional reasons, but we leave Christianity for intellectual reasons." I am only paraphrasing. I love that quote. It might become my signature once I can attribute it to its correct author.

[VeryBerry]

Since I deconverted from Christianity I have been tight-lipped about my new beliefs. My family members are aware of the fact that I don't attend church services anymore. I choose not to debate with my fundy friends and family members to keep my sanity. In addition, most of them just know that I abhor organized religions, especially Christian denominations. Sometimes, my family members or friends would say or do something stupid to convince me to renew my personal relationship with Jesus. Let me give you a few examples:

 

Example 1: My cousin from Arizona was staying over my house this past weekend. Every time he visits me, he tries his best to reconvert me. However, last Sunday, he said and did something stupid that's worthy of a post. On Sunday night, after having dinner, my cousin asked if he could watch Sunday Best on BET (a christian singing competition show) hosted by Kirk Franklin, I reluctantly agreed to watch it with him. The whole show was dedicated to Andrae Crouch "the father of Gospel music". While two young men were giving a rendition of " We Are Not Ashamed," my cousin burst out singing with his eyes closed and both hands raised. He stopped in between lines to ask me, " Don't you miss it?" I couldn't help but laugh at his silliness. He continued singing and then claimed, " This song should convince you to go back to God." He added " My worship alone should give you nostalgia for the church." I must admit that I laughed in his face. How the fuck can someone's worship bring me back to God?

 

Example 2: My mom decided to read her bible and devotional in front of me a few times to see if I would feel bad for leaving God. She admitted to me that she will continue to lead by example (she considers herself the spiritual leader of our family). I was tempted to tell her that reading the bible was the primary reason why I jettisoned Christianity.

 

Example 3: In the early phases of my deconversion, I was really angry. I had a discussion with the same cousin mentioned in example 1 about the failed promises of the bible. I challenged him to explain the following promise that Jesus made regarding his second coming: " Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till the see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." I told him that all of Jesus' contemporaries have died which shows that the promise he made was false. My cousin replied that if the bible says it, then it is true. He added that there have to be people from Jesus' time who are still living today just like the bible said. I laughed so hard that day that I cried. I asked him to please introduce me to the over 2,000 year old folks who are still waiting for the return of Jesus. His defense was that there is a guy at his church who is better equipped to answer my questions. Mind you, my cousin is highly educated. I have no more words to explain this one, but I am still laughing.

 

 

Can you please share your experiences. I would love to know the tactics that your family and friends have employed to bring you back into the fold.

 

I am not 100 percent unbeleiving, I do think there is something out there. That being said, fundy christianity is not the answer and as of now, I have basically hinted or said to christians, "stay the fuck away from me" except for one. Also, when discussing anything with me, I want facts, not touchy feely shit.

 

I do believe in a higher power as well, but, it's not the bible god. When I first joined this site, a lot of members suggested that I might be a deist. Like you, I believe that there is something out there; however, some days, I don't believe in any gods or higher power. Most days, I do think that there is a higher power. Am I making sense? Or am I going crazy? My beliefs do shift from week to week. I don't think that I could never be a Christian again; I know too damn much. I saw through the deceptions and lies.

 

I don't remember if it was Buffetphan or Deva who said: " We become Christians for emotional reasons, but we leave Christianity for intellectual reasons." I am only paraphrasing. I love that quote. It might become my signature once I can attribute it to its rightful author.

[ShackledNoMore]

I challenged him to explain the following promise that Jesus made regarding his second coming: " Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till the see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." I told him that all of Jesus' contemporaries have died which shows that the promise he made was false. My cousin replied that if the bible says it, then it is true. He added that there have to be people from Jesus' time who are still living today just like the bible said.

 

Why yes, yes there are:

 

 

You know, I joke, but there was a point leading up to my deconversion when I though the xian god might have created the world and the universe 6000 years ago in a state indistinguishable from what it would have been if it were billions of years old. That's not that much different.

[Kaiser01]

My favorite that I have heard several times from family is

 

You'll come back.

 

I have been told that I am just rebelling. Or it's just the rebellion stage. I am 35 years old...rebellion stage

Yeah.. I got the "rebelling" thing too. Its like Christians have all been given a manual of stupid thongs to say to atheists... o right.. that's the Bible.

 

I was told that, by several people, Im just not a God fearing Christian becuase i dont want to be told what to do.

[silentknight]

I was told I had a problem with authority (despite being the model of good behavior in school) because my dad died when I was young. Because I didn't have a real father I was rejecting the heavenly one.

[mcdaddy]

My wife's trying a passive agressive approach lately, reading more, listening to xian music more, etc. I guess she thinks I'll come back via osmosis.

 

Your wife has a lot in common with my mother. Is your wife Pentecostal? When I was in the Pentecostal church, I was taught to fill the air with praise and worship music to push demons away or to defeat them. Perhaps your wife is trying to defeat the demons in your head that caused you to abandon God.

 

Close!

 

She's technically Assembly of God, but thats only because we compromised. She was raised Catholic, and just attended a Charasmatic Catholic weekend seminar thingy. So now shes all full of the holy spook and fighting off demons and shit.

 

 

careful she may start sexual withholding until the spirit moves you to believe again.

 

she did enough of that the first 5 years of our marriage. Now situation's reversed. so the jokes on her.

 

bwahahahahahaaha

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation MCDaddy. No sex for 5 years! It's like a prison sentence.

 

Damn I wasnt being literal! I just meant she had a low drive early on, which did suck, but now hers is high and I don't care as much. So it's kinda like "payback is a bitch" kinda thing.

 

 

[Kaiser01]

I was told I had a problem with authority (despite being the model of good behavior in school) because my dad died when I was young. Because I didn't have a real father I was rejecting the heavenly one.

 

Im sorry you had to hear that, that would really really make me mad if someone told me that.

[MerryG]

I was told I had a problem with authority (despite being the model of good behavior in school) because my dad died when I was young. Because I didn't have a real father I was rejecting the heavenly one.

 

Wow. People who "know" they hold the truth sure can be cruel.

[silentknight]

 

To make it worse, I was still a Christian then.. I hadn't really done anything wrong besides read fantasy.

[BendyLine]

Example 1: My cousin from Arizona was staying over my house this past weekend. Every time he visits me, he tries his best to reconvert me. However, last Sunday, he said and did something stupid that's worthy of a post. On Sunday night, after having dinner, my cousin asked if he could watch Sunday Best on BET (a christian singing competition show) hosted by Kirk Franklin, I reluctantly agreed to watch it with him. The whole show was dedicated to Andrae Crouch "the father of Gospel music". While two young men were giving a rendition of " We Are Not Ashamed," my cousin burst out singing with his eyes closed and both hands raised. He stopped in between lines to ask me, " Don't you miss it?" I couldn't help but laugh at his silliness. He continued singing and then claimed, " This song should convince you to go back to God." He added " My worship alone should give you nostalgia for the church." I must admit that I laughed in his face. How the fuck can someone's worship bring me back to God?

Jesus Christ! I'm sure that was awkward at the time, but that's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

 

I honestly don't have much experience in this area, as I tend to keep my (lack of) faith to myself. I haven't come out to my family yet, and don't really see a reason to at this time. I've got enough drama in my life as is.

[Gobbler]

My favorite that I have heard several times from family is

 

You'll come back.

 

You know how to dress then when you see them next time...

 

There are 15 now??? Good gods! This was years ago, and I think there were 3 or 4.

 

Did they eat a truck of alphabet soup and shit onto paper?...

 

*sigh* another keyboard ruined, and another dent in my skull from falling off my chair laughing

 

Monkeys with typewriters.

 

Get out of my head dammit! I was just about to reply the same!

 

 

My dad said this to me TODAY. "Youll be back in five years". "Where do you think all this came from?"

 

It came about because he referenced Lennon's "Imagine" song and said "well he made a mistake, we can imagine where he is now" almost gleefully.

 

I said, "judge not, lest ye be judged". Then he asked if i believed H&H were real. "Ive never seen either" I said. "Well, have you seen Japan? How do you know its there?"

 

"Ive seen video, and Japanese people. Ive never seen video of heaven or Hellianese people"

 

 

Uhhhh....how about that little war with Japan called World War II?

[silentknight]

It's the same kind of logic that leads to "the moon landing was fake".

[stryper]

It's the same kind of logic that leads to "the moon landing was fake".

 

THAT was REAAAAAAAAAAAAALL???

[VeryBerry]

 

My favorite that I have heard several times from family is

 

You'll come back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They just can't accept that fact that you saw through the lies of the religion. Christians just love making excuses to explain things that they don't understand.

 

How long have you been out of Christianity?

 

I have been told that I am just rebelling. Or it's just the rebellion stage. I am 35 years old...rebellion stage

Yeah.. I got the "rebelling" thing too. Its like Christians have all been given a manual of stupid thongs to say to atheists... o right.. that's the Bible.

 

I was told that, by several people, Im just not a God fearing Christian becuase i dont want to be told what to do.

[VeryBerry]

Kaiser,

 

I tried to reply to you, but my iPhone is acting up. Christians love to make excuses to explain things that they don't understand. They just can't accept the fact that you saw through the lies of Christianity

 

I think that's what I tried to post earlier lol.

 

How long have you been out of Christianity?

[VeryBerry]

Example 1: My cousin from Arizona was staying over my house this past weekend. Every time he visits me, he tries his

 

best to reconvert me. However, last Sunday, he said and did something stupid that's worthy of a post. On Sunday night, after having dinner, my cousin asked if he could watch Sunday Best on BET (a christian singing competition show) hosted by Kirk Franklin, I reluctantly agreed to watch it with him. The whole show was

dedicated to Andrae Crouch "the father of Gospel music". While two young men were giving a rendition of " We Are Not Ashamed," my cousin burst out singing with his eyes closed and both hands raised. He stopped in between lines to ask me, " Don't you miss it?" I couldn't help but laugh at his silliness. He continued singing and then claimed, " This song should convince you to go back to God." He added " My worship alone should give you nostalgia for the church." I must admit that I laughed in his face. How the fuck can someone's worship bring me back to God?[/

Jesus Christ! I'm sure that was awkward at the time, but that's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

 

I honestly don't have much experience in this area, as I tend to keep my (lack of) faith to

myself. I haven't come out to my family yet, and don't really see a reason to at this time. I've got enough drama in my life as is.

 

I am glad you found it funny. You can imagine how loud I laughed. I avoid debates about Christianity as well. I know all the hard questions to ask, but I choose to stay away from discussing religion with devout christians.

 

Well, I am on my way to Montreal to visit my cousins. I have to go to church on Sunday. To make matters worse, I have to go to a prayer meeting with my cousin on Sunday afternoon. I hope don't make any faces when people present their prayer requests. I will think about EX-C while people are praying lol. Or, I will ask for prayers for all of us heathens on this site including me 

 

I am definitely looking forward to going to the salsa club on Saturday. We will party and drink on Saturday then praise God on Sunday lol.