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Stupidest Things You Heard In Church


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“Santa” is evil because if you re-arrange the letters you get Satan ~Yes I really did hear that from the pulpit

 

Having sex with someone means that you form a soul tie with them. Exchanging Friendship bracelets forms soul ties between people. Soul ties are bad. ~ Because of course it’s wrong to form bonds with other human beings wacko.png

Connecting with other people is what life is all about surely!

 

Burning joss sticks summons evil spirits ~ In that case my house is demon possessedzDuivel7.gif

 

All that stuff about back tracking in Rock music.

 

The Bible is God’s love letter to his people ~ bleuuuuuurrgh

 

I could go on but I’m making myself ill. Why did I spend so many years listening to this b&ll&cking sh1te!

 

 

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"Anyone who doesn't accept Jesus into their heart is possessed by Satan, or one of his minions." Said by Assemblies of God pastor father in-law from the pulpit.

 

I've heard many, many other stupid things over the twenty years or so that I was in church. It would take far too long to list them all, even assuming I could remember half of them anymore.

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The pastor of the baptist church I used to attend said during one service that anybody who says they like the taste of beer is lying.

 

May not be the stupidest but it ranks pretty high in my book.

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Most of the stupid stuff I recall would be from my days as a Baptist. I once heard a sermon entitled "Saved by the Bell is from Hell" in a chapel service at my Christian school.

 

Usually the most inane stuff often came from visiting evangelists. These guys would say just about anything to tug at heart strings or make unbelief sound bad. I'm sure some of it was just outright lying. I heard so many urban legends like Joshua's missing day, airlines that pair flight crews of Christians with non-Christians in case the rapture happens, scientists drilling in Siberia who heard the screams of the damned in hell, missionaries receiving divine protection and dozens of other stories about people that I'm almost certain were completely made up whole cloth.

 

The thing is, I didn't even believe most of them at the time, but I never really got upset about it or called out people on their bullshit. I just shook my head and chalked it up to God's plan to populate the church with idiots so that he would get the glory. No joke.

 

When I started going to the Presbyterian church that mostly ended. Then all the stupid stuff I heard came almost exclusively from the Bible and Bible expositors.

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I don't remember her exact words but the Pastor said something like, "We must be more concerned about our children's knowledge of an afterlife than their education in this one."

 

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Aside from the creationist stuff, the idea that women should submit to rape, as long as it was their husband doing it.  That was crazy, immoral, as well as stupid. 

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This was in the 80s, I went to church with a friend (in the south and it was one of those church of Christ churches) and the pastor was talking about disciplining his kids and he made it clear he whipped the shit out of them. 

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“Santa” is evil because if you re-arrange the letters you get Satan ~Yes I really did hear that from the pulpit

 

One of our resident Christians has used that on this board too. I think it was Thumbelina, although it may have been Justina.

 

I should have pointed out that by that logic our dog must be perfect, because if you rearrange "dog" you get "God."

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The church of god preacher waaaaaaaaaaay back when I was 8 or so loved the term "moving beyond this veil of tears we live in" and I wondered what everyone was crying about.

 

Welcome to the forums, uol.

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The wife of the pastor declared (and she actually stated she is 'declaring this into the spirit realm') that, as the river on which the harbor town our church was situated in looked like the female birth canal from above, a great revival was going to start in our town and spread throughout Australia, then the rest of the world.

 

I kid you not. She actually got a light plane ride over the town to make sure of the shape (and to pray over all the city from above to usher in the revival) It's been ten years and no revival. Devil must have got in somehow. Maybe that was my doing?? I can only hope :)

 

This same woman also declared Harry Potter evil but Gandalf was a Christ figure. In fact the whole Lord of the Ring Trilogy is apparently prophetic. So prophetic that she actually preached on the series as each film was released.

 

There were probably much crazier things said but those are the ones that came to mind first.

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Guest r3alchild

Shakespeare is mentioned in the Bible. 

 

In Psalm 46 of the King James Version, the 46th word is shake, and the 46th from last word is spear, (if you skip the term “selah” at the very end)

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They do realize the OT was orginally written in Hebrew, right? :P Being in college, I now usually just go to my home church for Christmas and Easter and it's usually the same message anyway, so I will post things that have made me raise my eyes a bit in my mandatory chapel, as I go to a Baptist college.

 

Everytime we're doing what we're not supposed to do, we're just as bad as the people who crucified Jesus and we apparantly agreed to crucify Jesus because we're sinners. I suppose my church must have been more moderate, because I don't r.emember ever hearing this theology...college is the only time I've ever really heard it. I only ever heard that Jesus died for us and if we accept him we will be saved, but that's really that's it. I suppose the message I got was the sweeter version...you'll be cursed if you don't, but Heaven was the thing emphasized. I don't understand how we can crucify Jesus when we haven't even been born yet and didn't agree to be born in sin. Also, I hated the little implications in this particular chapel that you could only be doing unChristian things or Christan things. I don't know, one guy said something like, "now on my weekends I'm doing D-Now, being a Christian and all." You know what I'm doing this weekend? Not partying my butt off but not doing "Godly things" either...I'm going to be doing homework..you know, one of the things you do when you're in school. It just annoyed me for some reason that he was sorta implying that if you didn't go to church or do all that stuff, you must have been doing something wrong. Of course, this is the same kid who was literally hyperventilating when talking about his meeting with God and conversion. I mean, it was because he was excited and all, but it was...strange. I was honestly wondering if he was bipolar and having an episode of mania at one point.

 

Also, one guy at a chapel once said that he loves us all and he wished he could say that because of something inside of himself but he only loves us because of Jesus...I never understood people who said things like that, even when I believed. So, If you didn't believe in Jesus, you'd what...hate us? I never saw the good in basically being 'forced' to love people because Jesus said so. To me it always seemed like you weren't really loving them, but just pretending to because of Jesus. Mine aren't as good as ya'lls but I obviously have no one to talk to when these things bother me, so...ya :P

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This has to be the winning post on this thread.  Gift of prophecy my ass.  Now according to the old testament, she was wrong so she must be stoned!

The wife of the pastor declared (and she actually stated she is 'declaring this into the spirit realm') that, as the river on which the harbor town our church was situated in looked like the female birth canal from above, a great revival was going to start in our town and spread throughout Australia, then the rest of the world.

 

I kid you not. She actually got a light plane ride over the town to make sure of the shape (and to pray over all the city from above to usher in the revival) It's been ten years and no revival. Devil must have got in somehow. Maybe that was my doing?? I can only hope smile.png

 

This same woman also declared Harry Potter evil but Gandalf was a Christ figure. In fact the whole Lord of the Ring Trilogy is apparently prophetic. So prophetic that she actually preached on the series as each film was released.

 

There were probably much crazier things said but those are the ones that came to mind first.

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Aside from the creationist stuff, the idea that women should submit to rape, as long as it was their husband doing it. That was crazy, immoral, as well as stupid.

What? What church was that? Unbelievable....but then, I used to think it's not rape if the victim is married to the rapist. No one told me that; I just got that impression.

 

Dumbest thing I heard was before the pres. election. All church members should vote for Romney because he is gonna fix abortion and gay marriage. Those two reasons are why the unemployment rate is so high--Gawd is punishing us. If we go back to Family Values, people will get jobs and everything will be okey-dokey. We have to worry about appeasing the lord before anything else, because disobeying him is the cause of our problems. (The pastard actually admitted that yes, he thinks people have to worry about their next meal and having adequate clothing because of gays and abortion.)

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The wife of the pastor declared (and she actually stated she is 'declaring this into the spirit realm') that, as the river on which the harbor town our church was situated in looked like the female birth canal from above, a great revival was going to start in our town and spread throughout Australia, then the rest of the world.

 

I kid you not. She actually got a light plane ride over the town to make sure of the shape (and to pray over all the city from above to usher in the revival) It's been ten years and no revival. Devil must have got in somehow. Maybe that was my doing?? I can only hope smile.png

 

This same woman also declared Harry Potter evil but Gandalf was a Christ figure. In fact the whole Lord of the Ring Trilogy is apparently prophetic. So prophetic that she actually preached on the series as each film was released.

 

There were probably much crazier things said but those are the ones that came to mind first.

 

Silly woman. Just because that river is shaped like a "birth canal," it's not going to give birth. It's obviously past menopause age, even by YEC standards. GONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

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The wife of the pastor declared (and she actually stated she is 'declaring this into the spirit realm') that, as the river on which the harbor town our church was situated in looked like the female birth canal from above, a great revival was going to start in our town and spread throughout Australia, then the rest of the world.

 

I kid you not. She actually got a light plane ride over the town to make sure of the shape (and to pray over all the city from above to usher in the revival) It's been ten years and no revival. Devil must have got in somehow. Maybe that was my doing?? I can only hope smile.png

 

This same woman also declared Harry Potter evil but Gandalf was a Christ figure. In fact the whole Lord of the Ring Trilogy is apparently prophetic. So prophetic that she actually preached on the series as each film was released.

 

There were probably much crazier things said but those are the ones that came to mind first.

 

Silly woman. Just because that river is shaped like a "birth canal," it's not going to give birth. It's obviously past menopause age, even by YEC standards. GONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

 

Ohh, but it is 'in the spirit realm' that the birthing takes place...rolleyes.gif 

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I could go on but I’m making myself ill. Why did I spend so many years listening to this b&ll&cking sh1te!

 

If you really want to let loose on the ball licking shits, then feel free to.   The 

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I could go on but I’m making myself ill. Why did I spend so many years listening to this b&ll&cking sh1te!

 

If you really want to let loose on the ball licking shits, then feel free to.   The 

 

I thought it was bull locking shute. Now I'm offended.

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laugh.png it’s bollocking shite (I wasn’t sure of swearing protocol) wink.png

 

Oh yes I’ve come across the one about rape being acceptable in marriage. Also when questioned about oral sex an elder instantly pronounced it a perversion (after his wife whispered to him what it was). That one always makes me laugh.

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laugh.png it’s bollocking shite (I wasn’t sure of swearing protocol) wink.png

 

Oh yes I’ve come across the one about rape being acceptable in marriage. Also when questioned about oral sex an elder instantly pronounced it a perversion (after his wife whispered to him what it was). That one always makes me laugh.

No holds barred here. Let it all out. We're used to it since people frequently need to rage.

 

The elder never heard of oral sex? LOL. Guess some Xians think television is of the devil.

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I remember a pastor preaching about how the bible explicitly predicted that Isreal would be reinstated as a country in 1948.  He walked through the calculations for this, although I don't remember what they were now.  I admit that at the time, I was kind of impressed by this.  But no, I didn't bother to research it further.  WHY DID I ALLOW THIS TO POISON MY BRAIN??

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Also when questioned about oral sex an elder instantly pronounced it a perversion (after his wife whispered to him what it was).

 

Wait. He didn't know what oral sex was and his wife had to tell him? I really hope the whole thing was an act. I'd hate to think that poor, poor woman has never been able to enjoy the delightful presence of Colonel Angus.

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laugh.png it’s bollocking shite (I wasn’t sure of swearing protocol) wink.png

 

Oh yes I’ve come across the one about rape being acceptable in marriage. Also when questioned about oral sex an elder instantly pronounced it a perversion (after his wife whispered to him what it was). That one always makes me laugh.

damn I knew I had to many l's

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