Good News, Bad News -- Impending Cancer Biopsy And My Non-Religious Reaction

[amateur]

Thank you, ContraBardus!  What a fight you've had.  I do agree that things have improved a lot with treatment.  Both my mom and my cousin who died of breast cancer had wonderful attitudes, very positive, complimented by their doctors, etc, and both died.  My cousin did die about ten years ago, so I guess things have gotten better since then, too.  It doesn't seem like that long ago that she died.

 

I had a kind of bad attitude day today, as I kept getting flashbacks of my mom, and of two of my clients I was caregiver for in this past year.  One lady was near 80, I believe, was at the end stage of breast cancer, and was an amazing client!  She could barely eat, but had all her mind there, and not a lot of pain, and my job was to try to get her to eat and help her around the house and clean, etc.  She and I ended up having wondering conversations about life, and philosophy, wonderful deep discussions.  Then she died and it's always sad when a client dies, because I do get close to them.

 

The other client I kept recalling today was younger, in her late 60's, I believe, also with advanced breast cancer.  I'd arrive at her house at 6 am, and my job there was to make sure she ate and/or drank anything at all because of loss of appetite, help her to the bathroom, clean her up if she had a mess in the bathroom or bed.  I'd get there at 6 am, and she was usually asleep, as she just had had some morphine.  She was on hospice and was in huge amounts of pain, her skin hurt so bad even light pajamas caused intense agony.  I would just sit in the chair by her hospital bed, and do what was needed when she woke up.  I'm not permitted to give meds as a caregiver, her sister would do that, but she was allowed morphine every hour and a half, but starting every half hour after the last dose, she would sit in her bed and moan for morphine.  I could tell it hurt her too bad to even lay down.  After the hour passed, she was given the morphine, and it took effect pretty quickly.  She couldn't even lay back down, but fell asleep in the sitting up position.  Her eyes would be all glassy, and a half hour later she'd be up, needing to get to the bathroom with my holding her, then she'd go back to bed and start moaning in pain again and repeating, "Morphine, morphine."  I had 8 hour shifts with her and it was horrific to watch.

[RipVanWinkle]

This life is no picnic for most.

[ExCBooster]

Thinking of you, amateur.

[Guest MadameX]

Oh, Amateur I do not know you but you have really impressed me with your intelligence and your courage.

 

These fears you are expressing to me may be the very worst part of it all. 

 

As far as your clients' suffering, in my experience prescribing physicians are much freer with the pain relief than a few years ago when it was rationed (because ... a pt might get addicted? wtf crazy talk is that?)

There is hope, there is always hope.

 

Deep breath, girl, deep breath.

[RaLeah]

I didn't see this posting right away, so I just want to add my voice to the chorus: Thank you for sharing your story with us. We're all rooting for you. 

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and the waiting must be truly awful. 

 

But your chances ARE very good now. I know several breast cancer survivors. It's one of the most common types of cancer, it has a high survival rate, and treatment options have gotten better and better every year. It's even better if they catch it early. However, it may not even BE cancer. It's also possible it's a pre-cancerous benign thing that you've seen on the screen yourself. That might still require surgery but it's not at all a death sentence. If it runs in your family, insurance can cover a full mastectomy (and thanks to Obamacare, it's covered and pre-existing conditions can't rule you out for coverage) and this might prevent you ever ever getting breast cancer in the future as well. 

 

Still, be good to yourself, and if you have some tough days, don't be hard on yourself. It's okay to cry, it's okay to laugh, and it's okay to sleep a lot. Please keep us posted. We'll be anxiously awaiting your test and results with you. 

 

Lots of love and hugs!

[gingernut]

So sorry for this situation, Amateur.  I am also sorry your biopsy results are going to take so long to come back.  You have a great attitude and you are very brave....a real inspiration. 

[amateur]

Yesterday took a turn for the worse.  This is getting ridiculous here.  Yesterday, I was down at my ex-husband's house with our daughter.  My ex and I get along, he keeps a computer at his house for me because I can't afford my own, plus it gets me down here more often so I visit my 19 year old daughter!  We actually only live three minutes apart, when I bought my little house after the divorce I only looked at houses very close.  Anyway.

 

My ex comes home and said he'd been to the doctor that day.  About six months or so ago he'd had a procedure done on a heart valve, and yesterday they found that one of the stitches had broken.  So now they say he needs actual heart surgery.  In another city, one state over.  His operation and recovery will take about a week.  

 

We compared diagnosis (oh, I feel SO OLD now!!!!), and he wants our daughter to go with him for his surgery, as he'll need help.  I agree.  

 

This will all be happening at about the time I'll be getting my biopsy results, I believe.  

 

I did call a dear friend last night and told her all this, and luckily she will be available to take me for any further procedures or visits, and I'll be paying her since it can be many hours and we both work as caregivers so I know the value in this!  And I value her friendship, and she already helped me out, much longer than she had expected.

 

I watched all the videos that the hospital recommended so I would know what to expect with the biopsies.  Eeek.  If they were supposed to make me feel more relaxed about what will happen, they did not.  It looks horrific.  Anything with loooong needles heading towards my breasts is instantly BAD.

 

At this point, I'm pretty much throwing my hands in the air and saying to heck with it all.  I'm still not thrilled with another two weeks of waiting, but I am also very concerned over my ex.  And I'm mainly concerned over our daughter!  Even if all works out fine (and I'm hoping for the best for the whole family) this is pretty traumatic for a 19 year old to go through, with both parents at the same time.

 

On another note, hospice is very good with letting patients use enough pain meds now, even with addiction (honestly, these people are dying, addiction no longer matters, and hospice acknowledges that).  But nurses still come around and give recommendations.  One thing I've learned with being a caregiver is that you can feel free to give as much pain meds as you want, nurses be damned.  I would never say anything to my clients, because I'm not allowed to discuss or give meds and could get fired.  But I do tell people like you, or my family, that when/if you or a loved one ends up on hospice, to use all the meds you want.  Watching a woman in her 60's begging for morphine, when she was at that point about two weeks from death, was one of the most horrifying things I've lived through.

 

That lady was the catalyst for my Death Plan.  Other clients of mine had been very depressing, but that lady was the one who got me to really work out the details of what I WILL NOT GO THROUGH when I approach death, and what I WILL DO to die.  That whole xian approach of "God will take you when he's ready" and "you must live until you die a natural death that god ordains" is BULLSHIT.  I've heard too many xians babble about how beautiful the last days of their loved ones' deaths were.  Well, maybe some people do get very lucky with that.  But it never happened in my family (both my parents passed after about a month of delirium and slipping in and out of painful-looking sleep) and I have yet to see it with any of my clients that have died.  My kids can enjoy my last beautiful days when I can still communicate with them, because I am checking out BEFORE the delirium.

 

Enough of that rant.  I do believe my ex will pull through his operation, and I think I'll have at least a few years after I find out the results of my biopsy.  

 

And yes, I totally agree, life isn't fair and sucks.  Neither my ex or I are overweight, neither of us has ever smoked, we're both just social drinkers, no drugs, we both belong to gyms and work out, and we both eat fairly healthy.  So this is all just ridiculous.  But no one ever gets any guarantees in this life, isn't that true?  And, by the way, my ex has been an atheist for decades, so it's nice that that's not an issue for any of us.

[Vigile]

My wife was scared of the needle too, but she said she hardly felt it and afterward wondered what the big deal was. 

[amateur]

^^^Thank you, thank you for sharing that, Vigile!  That truly takes that particular load off my mind!

 

[Margee]

You are an inspiration amateur. Truly an inspiration. I don't have a lot of time to post right now but I am reading and watching how things are going for you.  With everything wish and hope I have...I am counting down the next 2 weeks with you. Keep journaling here. Get it all out. I did this one time for something that I did not think I could make it through and it helps so much. I Thought there were times when I was going to lose my mind but journaling all my feelings helped me to deal with the situation.

 

I have had many woman in my hairdressing clientele who had to face what you are going through. Those woman are my hero's. They taught me that we have the ability to make it through just about anything. All of them came through, even the ones who had the cancer. All of them. What they can do today is absolutely  fantastic to the old days. Most woman are saved today because of the wonderful technology they have.

 

 I think when we have to face something terrible dead on in the face....we can take the baby steps (that you are doing right now) to face up to the darker side of life. You're going to make it..one way or another...As afraid as you are...you are also VERY brave. You are a true inspiration.

 

Every best wish that is inside me, goes out to you today sweetheart. Huge *hug*

[RaLeah]

Ah, I'm so sorry to hear about your exH. A torn stitch is no picnic, but the surgery is still pretty routine. (I had a supervisor in her late 50 go in for open heart surgery to remove blockages, and she was back at work 2 weeks later saying she actually felt better than she did prior to the surgery.) If it were an actual emergency, they would have whisked him right into a hospital and operated on him immediately. It's scary of course, but he's going to be fine. 

 

I'm sure it's stressful for your daughter, but she'll be okay too. By this time next month, you and your exH will both have a better grasp of the prognosis. Hang in there, and keep posting to keep us in the loop. We're rooting for you. 

 

(Don't freak yourself out over pictures! I drove a friend for lasik eye treatment, and watching it on a screen during the procedure, I thought I'd pass out from the horror. I asked him how he felt throughout the whole thing, and he said he didn't feel any pain at all and it was no big deal.) 

 

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to obsess over the procedure before you have it done. You're going to be fine, and it's not going to be awful. You're taking the right steps to get information and to get the right health treatment. Your doctors and nurses know what they're doing, and while you're there, you can ask questions (and should if you want to!) all along the way. Do NOT be intimidated by them. You're the one hiring them to treat you, so you can ask as many questions as you want until you feel comfortable with what they're doing. 

 

Hugs to you!

[amateur]

Thanks again, everyone, for responding and reading!  Today would have been my mom's 90th birthday -- hard to imagine!

 

Since I don't have a computer at home because I can't afford it, I either use the one at my ex-husband's or the one at work.  I'm at work tonight and had some time to jump on the computer, so I did.  There were three messages to me on Facebook from my son who lives across the country.  They said "I love you" (2 times) and "I love you mommy."  I sent him a message back; we have been talking on the phone and keeping in touch, but those messages killed me.  He's 23 and has a wonderful job where he is, doing such a great job at living on his own out there and just having those great adventures he should be having at his age.  And he called me "mommy."  Ok, I'm crying again.  I'm at work, hiding from everybody and crying.  It's not a bad night to hide here, actually, I work as the weekend custodian so I'm supposed to be collecting garbage and vacuuming and cleaning, but there's a big party here tonight so I can't really do much around that, and everybody is there at the party on the first floor, so I can hide out here on the third floor.  And cry.

 

They even conveniently put Kleenex near the computer.  Oh my, the pianist at the party downstairs is playing "Memories."  Ok, more Kleenex.

 

I do get to eat the same wonderful meal as the party-goers after the party's over, by the way, and I'm looking forward to that!  Prime rib and shrimp!  And something wonderful for dessert; I'm not sure what at the moment.

 

At one of my other jobs, the caregiving job, I had a couple of which the husband was my main client.  He died last fall, Alzheimer's, so we never had any deep discussions but he had kept a little sense of humor and we enjoyed sharing our lunches together, "reading" magazines together, and playing Trouble where he'd always win because he remembered just enough rules to play but made up what he didn't and it was always in his favor!  After he died, the family wanted me to still go and help out the wife, which I've been doing.  She's an interesting person and I enjoy spending time with her.  Just a couple weeks ago, she and I got talking and it turns out that her husband (my client who died last fall), who was 92, had been born in the same little village in Czechoslovakia as my mom!  What a small world!

[amateur]

The weekend custodian job I have is at an old-folks home, so as I was sitting here clutching my Kleenex and weeping, I got a call from my manager saying he needed immediate, discreet help with a poop blow-out in the bathroom by the dining room.  So I ran down and cleaned it up.  That's what I love about old people:  whenever you think it's about you, they immediately turn it back to being about THEM!  Seriously, I do like that!  When you're in your 90's it should always be about you!  I've worked with old people since I got divorced ten years ago, and whenever I came in feeling depressed, they made sure I knew their situation was worse.  True that!

 

After the clean-up, I was able to get ahold of my son on Facebook and we messaged a while before we both needed to get back to work.  His "I love you mommy" message was helped along by a little too much happy hour the night before!  I suspected as such, as the times he wrote the messages were midnight and 1 am.  It was still sweet and we chatted.  I told him he made me cry at work, and he said "I'm glad I make you happy!"  My kids are such smart-asses!

 

I had my prime rib and shrimp for dinner, along with twice-baked potato and fresh asparagus.  Dessert was lemon meringue pie!

 

Ok, I'm all back together here for now, so we can all get back to our religious discussions.

[amateur]

Three days til the biopsies.

 

I met with a friend who's a counselor.  Got me thinking about priorities, no matter what happens.  I'm quitting my least favorite job, what little benefits I get from it do not make up for the negatives.  I'm waiting a couple weeks only because I want to see the results of their latest stupid decision, which I'm sure will be funny (especially now that I won't be impacted by it!).  And I'm going to go with my daughter to visit my son across the country because I want to see both of them together and spend time with them both.  I'll wait til I get the biopsy results, and for the weather to break so we don't just sit in an airport for a few days waiting for a flight, then we're going.  

[MerryG]

Three days til the biopsies.

 

I met with a friend who's a counselor.  Got me thinking about priorities, no matter what happens.  I'm quitting my least favorite job, what little benefits I get from it do not make up for the negatives.  I'm waiting a couple weeks only because I want to see the results of their latest stupid decision, which I'm sure will be funny (especially now that I won't be impacted by it!).  And I'm going to go with my daughter to visit my son across the country because I want to see both of them together and spend time with them both.  I'll wait til I get the biopsy results, and for the weather to break so we don't just sit in an airport for a few days waiting for a flight, then we're going.  

 

Good for you, amateur. Even if the biopsies are negative (which I'm sure we're all pulling for them to be), it's heartening that you're using this scare as a wake-up call and a gift that enables you to embrace your own priorities.

 

You're in my thoughts.

[Woodsy]

Rooting for you, Amateur.  And what a great time you will have with your kids.  You go and enjoy each other.  Keep us posted.

[Margee]

Three days til the biopsies.

 

I met with a friend who's a counselor.  Got me thinking about priorities, no matter what happens.  I'm quitting my least favorite job, what little benefits I get from it do not make up for the negatives.  I'm waiting a couple weeks only because I want to see the results of their latest stupid decision, which I'm sure will be funny (especially now that I won't be impacted by it!).  And I'm going to go with my daughter to visit my son across the country because I want to see both of them together and spend time with them both.  I'll wait til I get the biopsy results, and for the weather to break so we don't just sit in an airport for a few days waiting for a flight, then we're going.  

 

We're right here with ya girlfriend. I think your idea of quitting one of your jobs is a good thing if you can do it. It took a near collapse for me to wake up and smell some of the roses on earth. I love not having to work full time right now. My 92 year old MIL keeps me plenty busy. Sometimes, it;s just time to take time for yourself. Go for it!! Take a bit of a break...you've been through enough. You need to rest. Your plan sounds wonderful!!

 

Huge *hug* for you.

[TotalWreck]

Amateur, we've all got our fingers crossed and wishing you the best!

[amateur]

Thank you, everybody!  I wish I could hug you all!

[mymistake]

Keep in mind that modern medicine has made great strides in this area.  So even if you get bad news don't give up hope.  My aunt survived over 20 years after she beat cancer.  I have had several friends who went into remission and are fine.  Now the treatment can be awful.  It takes guts to face that.  But the chance of making it just keeps growing.

[RipVanWinkle]

I am posting in this thread late, but I have read through it. You are an inspiration to me. You are facing this difficult situation in the way I want to if and when I have a similar threat. One thing that's good is that you apparently don't have to listen to Xtian "friends" or former friends repeatedly telling how you should handle this. I hope I am right about that. I told two of atheist adult children that if

I contract a terminal illness I want them to promise me that they will keep Xtian friends and former friends away from me at all times, no exceptions. They laughed , but made the promise.

 

My heart goes out to you. My advice is to continue to do what you have been doing: stare the future right in the eyes. I can tell that you can do that. Best of luck to you. bill

[amateur]

Margee, since my husband finally got a decent job (whew!  we both took a long time for one of us to get there!  I am SO PROUD of him!) I CAN and DID quit a lot of my excess hours of work.  I was working about 55-65 hours every week with no overtime pay since I was juggling different jobs.  I've been doing about 35 hours a week since dealing with this and my husband getting the good job.  We could technically live off just his pay, but the last time I quit working while married (my first marriage, while raising kids) it ended quite badly, as we got divorced and I hadn't planned that well so had no job and had to rush into anything I could find, which started as 10 hours a week and grew, but I spent a few years under the poverty line, then over the past decade I have bravely worked up to Lower Class!  With my husband's new job, we will finally be touching the Middle Class!  (When I was married the first time, we were more upper-middle class, so I took a serious nosedive while my ex stayed nicely where he was with a nice pension and all).  Life does go on, and there is more to life than money, altho sufficient money is pretty much necessary.  I'm so glad now that I am divorced from my first husband, as he is NOT good with dealing with problems like potential cancer plus his own heart issues now, and my second husband is so very loving about everything.  Priceless!

 

bill, thank you, and I am very lucky in that I have only a couple stray people "praying for me," who are very easy to ignore.  I've just smiled slightly when they've told me that, then I walked away.  I didn't say thanks, and I didn't get in any religious or non-religious discussions with them, and they all nicely left it at that.  I can handle that!  I cannot imagine going through any of this (and I'm only awaiting biopsies, not even actually battling cancer yet!) while dealing with people praying over me and saying stupid, annoying things!  Good for you for telling your kids they will run interference for you and protect you from those people!

 

And even with a couple more weeks passing by, and I am very very scared and have thoughts of suffering with cancer and/or dying, I still have absolutely NO thoughts of any type of afterlife, especially anything with heaven or some judgmental being saying "YOU SPENT YOUR LAST COUPLE WEEKS ON EARTH WRITING ON EX-CHRISTIAN.NET!  YOU MUST BURN!!!!!"  No.  I care about my kids and my dear husband, deeply.  I truly have no thoughts of anything religious, which is a true relief.

 

Thanks again to everybody who reads or responds.  I truly appreciate it.

[ApostateAwoken]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this, Amateur, and I truly hope that everything ends up well. We'll always be here to emotionally support you. 

 

And congratulations for that milestone - I still start to duck my head in prayer and then have to tell my subconscious "no". Many people fall back on religion as an emotional cushion, so you are very strong indeed if you are not tempted in that direction.

 

Let us know how everything turns out. I keep getting tempted to tell you I'm praying for you 

[amateur]

^^ApostateAwoken:  yes, certain phrases are hard to drop!  "I'll pray for you," "Thank god!," and "Amen to that!" come immediately to mind.  Also, when I think about my life and my kids, it's hard to not think, "I'm so blessed!" because I do have such a lovely life and wonderful kids.  But I wasn't BLESSED with my life and kids; they're there, and I worked hard to make my life as good as I am able with what I have, I do try to focus on the good parts of my life, and I worked dang hard to raise my kids well and give them lots of good experiences and love.  But saying, "I'm so hard-working and have a great attitude!" doesn't roll off the tongue like, "I'm so blessed!"

 

Yesterday was the two biopsies, one on either breast involving long needles.  The physical pain was NOT an issue, not even last night or today.  I can shower later tonight (24-hour moratorium on that to keep things germ-free) and remove the huge-ass bandages (seriously, freakin' Titanic size of adhesive stuck all over each boob up into the sensitive armpit area).  And where one of the needles went there is about a 2-inch in diameter blood-red bruise that looks absolutely awful.  And the "needles" seem to have left holes, not just needle marks.  

 

Today at work was kinda funny (kinda not, too).  I went to my favorite client, an extremely elderly guy with a tube going in his side with a bag for pee hanging off it.  I wasn't allowed to lift over ten pounds today, so I told him I couldn't help lift him today, so he had to stand up on his own but I could help balance him.  But he's been peeing blood so he's pretty weak, but did manage to get himself up and I helped balance him while he got to the shower then his recliner, and I got him dressed.  His wife still goes to work, but has been sick as a dog these last few days, so today she managed to get up, take a quick shower, eat a piece of toast, and collapse back in bed and fall asleep.  So my client was asleep in his recliner because he was too weak from blood loss to do anything, his wife was sick and asleep in their bed, and I was lounged out on their sofa resting because I can't lift stuff and need to rest.  I made him breakfast, made them both lunch, cleaned up, and lounged.  It was like the "Condo of the Dying" there today!

 

So physically, the biopsies didn't hurt, but emotionally and mentally the pain is still off the charts.  Two to four working days until I get the results.  I had two different doctors for the biopsies, one for each side.  I pretty much wept quietly through everything (starting with tears over thinking about bills coming in from two different doctors), and the first doc assured me that about 90% of biopsies on what they were looking at in that side were benign, and only 10% malignant.  Of course, I only heard TEN PERCENT MALIGNANT.  The other doctor doing the other side said NOTHING about percentages, and that's the side I'm very concerned about, and figured it's way closer to 100% bad news.

 

Well, waiting 2 to 4 working days is better than waiting three weeks.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

We are with you all the way, Amateur.