Good News, Bad News -- Impending Cancer Biopsy And My Non-Religious Reaction

[RipVanWinkle]

Bless you, my dear. I don't have any faith in god, but I have faith in you. You can handle it. bill

[R. S. Martin]

I should mention that my mum that had the two mastectomies will be 91 in May.  She has survived the first mastectomy by 50 years and the second mastectomy by 45 years.

 

How is that for a survival story? 

 

Hope your biopsy reveals nothing serious, but even if it does, there are lots of survival stories out there.

 

That's a great success story. Fifty years ago, even more recently, cancer was basically a death sentence. It's good to know some survived even then. Thanks for sharing.

[Pantophobia]

Adding my good wishes and virtual hugs to the heaping pile, amateur. And I am so proud of you for being tough and proactive in dealing with this with active questions and what CaptainAwkward.com would call "Team You." (That includes us, you know.) But if you need to be not-tough, you can be that, too. However you need to deal with this mess is the right way. 

[amateur]

Thanks again, everybody.  I've started writing down a list of questions for the surgeon.  I looked up what I could on the internet, but stopped after I got enough information to understand where I am right now.  I do NOT want to get over-informed and start looking into things that may not have anything to do with my case.  The surgeon will show me my biopsy results and pictures and can point out the specifics that relate to me.  I spoke with a woman who works with surgeons and she made me feel like I had done the exact right amount of research and I feel like doctors have so much understanding of what they're working with that I am willing to put my faith in my surgeon.  I can see that a lot has improved since the 31 years since my mom died.  People do still die of breast cancer (I've sat with those people with my job) and there are cases where it's incurable and relentless, but I'm in a relaxed place right now where I'm waiting for my appointment.  When I get the specific facts about my case, I will either stay more relaxed (if the surgeon shows me that the cancer is contained in a specific area) or PANIC!!! (if the surgeon shows me that the cancer has spread to other areas)!!!  I feel so very good and healthy right now, it is hard to believe that the cancer can be in more than one place, I can't imagine I'd feel this good if it was invading all through my body.

 

I do still have no interest in god or gods or prayer, or fear of anything "evil."  I've had several more people say they'd pray for me and that's ok, it's not like they can actually do anything for me anyway.  I've had a couple people offer actual help (willing to take me to appointments, etc) and that is VERY nice.  My husband and I have talked a lot about this, and he knows the only thing I'd hate about dying is not being with him or with my kids.  I already quit one of my three jobs because that one had me scheduled on  Friday nights and I would rather spend that evening with him than at work.  I've talked a lot to my daughter and she knows how proud I am of her, and she knows I'll be relying on her a lot after the surgery.  I said earlier in this post that her dad (my ex) is going through heart problems right now, and she's helping him with appointments, too.  Both he and I apparently have appointments/procedures scheduled for either the same day or the day after the other the first few days of March.  She is being incredibly, wonderfully mature for a 19 year old through all of this, willing to help us both and be there.  Kids these days!!!!  They can be absolutely AMAZING!!!!

[TotalWreck]

Amateur, the fact that they've discovered it early is a huge plus right there.  I can already tell from the positive attitude in your posts that you're going to beat this thing - no doubt.  We're all sending positive vibes your way!

[amateur]

^Thanks!  I'm hanging in there.  The waiting SUUUUUUCKS.  I meet with the cancer surgeon on Monday and the days are dragging by.  I'm ok when I'm with people, but my mind goes to bad things (cancer spreading, bad outcomes) when I'm alone or at night.  So I've been trying to keep around people, and even being on this site is good for me.

 

Also, when the nurse called with the bad news, I was working with clients, a husband and wife.  He's 95 and she's 80 and they are wonderful people.  I started crying on the phone with the nurse, when I hung up the husband was just super nice to me and his wife immediately gave me some of her tranquilizers!  Those have come in handy!

[older]

...  I looked up what I could on the internet, but stopped after I got enough information to understand where I am right now.  I do NOT want to get over-informed and start looking into things that may not have anything to do with my case.  ...

A wise decision. As a fellow cancer patient, I can affirm that there is a lot of misinformation on the net. Also, someone else's cancer is NOT your cancer, so do not make comparisons. I quit looking stuff up on the net and now only discuss my case with my doctor. TMI is counterproductive.

[amateur]

Some good news today!  The nurse from the surgeon's office called me today to take care of some paperwork, meds I take and past surgeries, etc.  She also told me the name of my tumor, and explained that the word "carcinoma" in it was mis-leading; my tumor is actually pre-cancerous!!!!!!!!  And it has not spread from what they can tell so far!!!!!!!  They will still take it out, and the strange thing in the other breast is benign but will still be taken out and both will be biopsied.  There should be NO chemo or radiation!  There will still be surgery and I will get more details from the surgeon, but I feel immense relief and she assured me I was not going to die in the next couple months.  Hopefully, everything will have been caught early enough!  I was driving to work when the nurse told me all this and I was crying with relief and happiness.  

 

The first nurse that called me a couple weeks ago and told me "You have cancer and the surgeon can answer any questions, I can't," should be shot.

 

Now I'll be able to sleep this weekend, and go to the surgeon on Monday morning more cheerfully.

 

I updated this on facebook and the first response was "prayers answered."  I thought of all of you immediately!  Thanks for helping me see the humor in that response!

[RipVanWinkle]

Amateur. That is absolutely wonderful news. I am truly delighted for you. keep us informed. bill

[pratt]

good news, and a big relief for you and family,,,,

 

cheers

[MerryG]

The first nurse that called me a couple weeks ago and told me "You have cancer and the surgeon can answer any questions, I can't," should be shot.

 

OMG, what wonderful news! And I agree -- any nurse who blats out, "You have cancer" like that ... well, there are no words. What an cruel, insensitive jerk.

 

How fabulous that all our atheist, agnostic, Hindu, Asatru, and general heathen "prayers" for you were answered.

[TrueFreedom]

Happy dance!  

[Pantophobia]

Sending you the biggest hug possible, amateur! What wonderful news!

[RaLeah]

That is SUCH GOOD NEWS!!!!!

 

Thank you for keeping us in the loop. You've been in my thoughts a lot lately, and I'm so glad for the update!

[Vigile]

 

...  I looked up what I could on the internet, but stopped after I got enough information to understand where I am right now.  I do NOT want to get over-informed and start looking into things that may not have anything to do with my case.  ...

A wise decision. As a fellow cancer patient, I can affirm that there is a lot of misinformation on the net. Also, someone else's cancer is NOT your cancer, so do not make comparisons. I quit looking stuff up on the net and now only discuss my case with my doctor. TMI is counterproductive.

 

 

I'll second that.  I haven't had cancer, but I do have kidney disease and in the early stages, I scared the bejesus out of myself self-diagnosing.  I also nearly hospitalized myself by following diets I read about online.  You're almost always better off letting the doc do the work for you and dealing with facts, not unfounded fears of what might be. 

 

[mymistake]

Some good news today!  The nurse from the surgeon's office called me today to take care of some paperwork, meds I take and past surgeries, etc.  She also told me the name of my tumor, and explained that the word "carcinoma" in it was mis-leading; my tumor is actually pre-cancerous!!!!!!!!  And it has not spread from what they can tell so far!!!!!!!  They will still take it out, and the strange thing in the other breast is benign but will still be taken out and both will be biopsied.  There should be NO chemo or radiation!  There will still be surgery and I will get more details from the surgeon, but I feel immense relief and she assured me I was not going to die in the next couple months.  Hopefully, everything will have been caught early enough!  I was driving to work when the nurse told me all this and I was crying with relief and happiness.  

 

The first nurse that called me a couple weeks ago and told me "You have cancer and the surgeon can answer any questions, I can't," should be shot.

 

Now I'll be able to sleep this weekend, and go to the surgeon on Monday morning more cheerfully.

 

I updated this on facebook and the first response was "prayers answered."  I thought of all of you immediately!  Thanks for helping me see the humor in that response!

 

So glad to hear.  Maybe that nurse had a harsh tone or manner but he or she is not allowed to give answers.  Nurses are not permitted to do that because it is the doctor's job.  As for Jesus he is always trying to take the credit.

 

http://jesusisajerk.tumblr.com/

[ContraBardus]

Some good news today!  The nurse from the surgeon's office called me today to take care of some paperwork, meds I take and past surgeries, etc.  She also told me the name of my tumor, and explained that the word "carcinoma" in it was mis-leading; my tumor is actually pre-cancerous!!!!!!!!  And it has not spread from what they can tell so far!!!!!!!  They will still take it out, and the strange thing in the other breast is benign but will still be taken out and both will be biopsied.  There should be NO chemo or radiation!  There will still be surgery and I will get more details from the surgeon, but I feel immense relief and she assured me I was not going to die in the next couple months.  Hopefully, everything will have been caught early enough!  I was driving to work when the nurse told me all this and I was crying with relief and happiness.  

 

The first nurse that called me a couple weeks ago and told me "You have cancer and the surgeon can answer any questions, I can't," should be shot.

 

Now I'll be able to sleep this weekend, and go to the surgeon on Monday morning more cheerfully.

 

I updated this on facebook and the first response was "prayers answered."  I thought of all of you immediately!  Thanks for helping me see the humor in that response!

 

[WarriorPoet]

This is great news amateur.  It made my morning to get up and read this today.

[Sophrosyne]

I'm glad to hear that you won't need chemo or radiation! Good news indeed. I hope the surgery(s) go well, you seem to be holding everything together well - your non religious reaction was nice to hear. very accepting, calm, and realistic.

[Margee]

Gawd Dang it !!!      

 

I just Pmed you and have not had time to sit here and read all the posts!!  

 

Halleluiah!!!   

 

 

*hughughughughughughughughug*

[Overcame Faith]

Such wonderful news!!!  I am so happy for you!!!!

[♦ ficino ♦]

So glad to hear this update, amateur!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I am so happy for you amateur!  I've had a few suspicious lipomas removed over the years and the surgery is usually pretty straight-forward.  Plus, they usually give you some good drugs to take, like oxy or vicodin.  

[Lilith666]

I'm sorry to read this. I hope your biopsy goes well. Glad your husband got a new job.

 

Edit: I just read your Feb 27 post. That's fantastic! Best wishes!!

[amateur]

I met with the surgeon on Monday and I got all good news.  I will need this thing removed so they can make sure there is no cancer, but there should not be.  I'll only need two weeks to recover.  I am VERY happy and relieved, as are my husband and kids.  

 

The surgeon was wonderful, very patient and caring and she answered all my questions.  She also straightened out a lot of things that my regular gynecologists had not been entirely honest with about for the past almost 30 years.

 

This is where I got very mad.  Since the first time I went to my gyne's office (I've gone to the same one since my early 20's, I do get different doctors and don't have a regular one for the past couple decades) they labeled me "high risk" because of my mother's breast cancer.  But nobody else in my family had breast cancer (my cousin that died was from a half-uncle, so doesn't count genetically).  The surgeon told me I am NOT "high risk" and never was.  The gynes gave me my first mammogram prescription when I was 31 and still breastfeeding my baby, she told me when I quit nursing to get my first mammogram since I am high risk.  So at age 32 I had my first mammo, which came back suspicious because there was a clogged milk duct.  I was told, "You should have waited longer after nursing," and I said, "I waited a month as I was told to wait til I had QUIT nursing, but nobody gave me further guidelines."  Anyway, I've been getting mammos since, and they ALWAYS send me back for a second one because they always find something that turns out to be nothing, mainly in the first decade because my breasts were too young and dense to be mammoed properly.  

 

I had also always asked my gynes a question I had about something my dad had told us after our mom died.  He told us his understanding of what her breast surgeon said.  I always asked any new gyne if what he said made ANY sense and had ANY basis in reality.  EVERY gyne always said, "Well, I'm not sure . . . but you're high risk so continue with the mammograms and follow ups."  So I have always felt like I was very high risk and had this horrible genetic history because of what my dad had said regarding my mom.  And I have always felt like I was very high risk and had this horrible genetic history because my gynes NEVER led me to believe otherwise, in fact they put it right in my chart.

 

The breast surgeon on Monday finally told me the truth -- the story my dad heard and passed on (as a grieving widower with two young adult children still living at home) and I heard (as a grieving teenager who had just lost my mom) was completely lost in translation.  A horrible FAIL of the old Telephone game, if you will.  The breast surgeon said "That story has NO basis in reality.  It is WRONG.  Your dad didn't understand or didn't communicate it well or you didn't hear it well or all three."  She also said, "You have NO genetic history of breast cancer.  You have a mother that died of breast cancer.  Genetic history means multiple family members.  And you are NOT high risk.  Not at all.  You never were."  She removed "high risk" from my computer chart.  The surgeon also set me straight, very patiently, on calming down all the fears I have of imminent, deadly breast cancer and how the nurse that said "You have cancer" on the phone was WRONG, and how other nurses in the past two months said things in ways that terrified me and should have said things in a clearer way so I would have known this wasn't life-and-death.

 

I truly feel like those doctors took advantage of my fear and my question and never answered my question truthfully about what my dad had said on purpose so they could get more money out of me with extra mammo testing.

 

I talked to my sister about this.  I asked her her experience with gynes.  She had moved cross country decades ago to L.A., and she always told her gynes that her mom died of breast cancer and she said EVERY ONE of them said, "That's nothing to worry about."  She got a mammogram and 40 and has never had an issue or felt like she was high risk.  For some reason, we had never discussed this all those years (busy with work, raising kids -- who wastes conversations on gynes?)

 

After I finish having my noncancerous thing removed, I will of course change gynes.  The ones that misled me all those years work with the biggest health care system in this state, so it's not like they didn't know what they were doing.  I will find a new gyne that is not part of that huge health care system and also will keep out of their hospitals.

 

The point is:  when the breast surgeon told me the truth of my family history and what I actually have in my breast (noncancerous is NOT indicative of something that will keep returning until it is cancerous), I felt ANGRY and LIED TO and CHEATED and EMBARRASSED (not by her, she was wonderful, but by almost 30 years of gynes).  I felt like they took advantage of my fear to make more money.  I realized how much this was like xianity.  Exploit people's fears to take advantage of them financially.  Over the years I had read a lot about breast cancer and logically knew I wasn't at high risk and also have things that lower my risk (decent weight and diet, exercise, breastfeeding, etc) but every year when I went to the gyne it was confirmed that I was at high risk so I doubted everything I read since the gyne was looking at my specific chart.  The doctors scared me into doubting what I had read.

 

So after ranting to my sister, my daughter, and my husband (and now all of you!) I feel a bit better, less angry, very much taken advantage of, but no longer embarrassed.  I was trusting of my doctors and they took advantage -- that's on them, not on me.

 

My husband said, "What are you going to do about it?"  I said finish up with this surgery, be grateful it's not something worse, be grateful I finally learned the truth rather than spending another three decades terrified of imminent, deadly breast cancer, and CHANGE GYNES!!!!

 

I have the same feeling of recovering from xianity than I do about recovering from 30 years of breast cancer fears.  No gods, no genetic family history leading to certain painful cancer death -- NO HELL!!!  And a realistic view of the upcoming surgery, NO MORE crying jags and depression and thinking I'm going to die.  Yeah, like I said, NO HELL.

 

PS  For anyone reading this from the start, my ex-husband is moving along with his own heart issues and things are looking good.  Lots of appointments and our daughter is still being wonderful taking us to doctors and hospitals.  She was with me yesterday for blood work, EKG, x-rays, and MRI and also we spoke with another wonderful woman at the hospital who helped me sort out all my decades of imaginary fears into reality.  It was good for my daughter to hear and I told her, "Forget anything I ever told you about our so-called family history!"  But I will be fine, and my ex should be fine, everything seems to be going smooth.  THANKS EVERYBODY if you've followed along with this and listened to my ranting!