Things Fundies Say On Facebook

[Sybaris]

This popped up today:

 

"Its ok to pray for your needs, God wants us to pray for our needs so we will depend on him for the answers, its a good way of keeping God in our lives...so pray people pray!!! Just remember...the answers come in his time not ours..."

 

So if you wait long enough your brain will eventually connect the most abstract "answer" to your prayer but no, that's not quite as disturbing as "God wants us to pray for our needs so we will depend on him for the answers"

[Thought2Much]

"Man disappoints us, but God never will."

 

Oh really? Really? Are you really sure about that? Nobody's ever been disappointed by God? Really? Please allow me to introduce you to a few of my new friends on a site called "Ex-Christian.net." Their response to that vapid statement might just surprise you a little bit.

 

Of course, this was the same woman posting stupid shit yesterday about vaccines causing autism, so I'm not surprised by this latest bit of stupidity to be posted as her status.

[Thought2Much]

Whenever I see dumb stuff posted by fundies on Facebook, or whenever I hear someone at church say something dumb (which is every single week that I go), I am reminded of Lewis Black's bit about going to IHOP, which is where he heard the dumbest thing ever in his life up to that point.

 

If It Weren't For My Horse

by Lewis Black

So I finished the meal, and I was drinking the boysenberry—well, because I had to take the edge off the coffee—when from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following. It was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected the Vice President of the United States. She said, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

 

I'm gonna repeat that because it bears repeating. If it weren't for my horse—as in, "giddyap giddyap, let's go"—I wouldn't have spent that year in college, which is a degree-granting institution.

 

Don't—don't—think about that sentence for more than three minutes or blood will shoot out your nose.

 

The American medical profession does not know why we get an aneurysm. An aneurysm is when a blood vessel bursts in your head for no apparent reason. There is a reason. You go to the mall one day with your friends. Somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard. And it goes in your ear. Now, you turn around to see if your friends heard it. But your friends are over there, and they're pretending that they're going to buy a cellular phone. And they're not going to buy a cellular phone, because these idiots don't understand what the rate structure means. So you turn back to see who said it, 'cause if you could talk to them and just ask them, like, you know, what did you mean by that? But they're gone. And now those words are in your head.

 

And they stay there. They don't go away. I know you think you're driving to work. But you're not driving to work. All your brain is thinking is "if it weren't for my horse, if it weren't for my horse." You sit down and have dinner with your family, and you think you're having dinner, but you're not. It's going woowoowoowoo, how did she get into college with a horse? It's like a moebius strip in your head, it just goes over and over and over for seven days that's all you think about. You don't know you're thinking about it, but you're brain's going overtime, and at the end of the week, they find you dead in your bathroom.

[R. S. Martin]

That's just disgusting. But yes, horrifically quite a common statement you might hear in Christian circles, I can remember hearing similar things. One is something often preached by the director of Prayer at one of the largest churches in London. He has apparently had a really tough life, especially with prayer at the centre of it. I didn't know him personally, though I did meet him once, but I think the story is he prayed for many years for his wife who was suffering from a painful terminal condition and then she died quite young. I suspect this is one of the reasons he has been chosen in that position because it shows how you can still have faith and believe that prayer works despite awful things happening to you. He says things like: "Maybe instead of asking God why he doesn't answer prayer more often we should be asking the question why don't we pray more often?" It's a classic way of deflecting criticism from the boss while at the same time heaping guilt on the person who is already suffering and now not getting any answers from the one person who is supposed to be in control.

 

And driving them to do something desperate. Then the faithful can piously bemoan their faults and, that accomplished, continue as before. So disgusting.

[R. S. Martin]

Well, I think that story about the kid who put together a map of the US because there was a picture of a human being on the back was neat. What kid couldn't do that?

 

Next time this story comes up, you can just say, "Oh, so if it had been an insurance ad with a happy family on the back of the map, she would have managed just as well because she knows how humans go together."

 

Or, another tack would be to say in shocked tones, "You mean to tell me you--a devout Christian--ripped up a picture of Jesus?!?"

[mymistake]

"Man disappoints us, but God never will."

 

Oh really? Really? Are you really sure about that? Nobody's ever been disappointed by God? Really? Please allow me to introduce you to a few of my new friends on a site called "Ex-Christian.net." Their response to that vapid statement might just surprise you a little bit.

 

You got to remember when she uses the word "us" she isn't talking about all people. She just means the Real True Christians.

[Thought2Much]

This is from real life as opposed to Facebook, but I think the overall principle is the same.

 

This last weekend we had a major snowstorm in New Jersey. Hundreds of thousands of people lost power starting Saturday night, and some still haven't gotten it back, despite crews working around the clock and backup crews coming to New Jersey from as far away as Michigan.

 

My father in-law pastor said two phenomenally stupid things this morning from the pulpit:

 

Phenomenally stupid thing number one:

"How many of you lost power this week from the snowstorm? A lot of you. Well, Brother Dan anointed his whole house with oil before the storm, and he didn't lose power! Praise God!"

 

Hey, Brother Dan, since you and God are such buddies, why didn't you just pray that we didn't get a foot and a half of snow instead, that way everyone in the state could keep their electricity on? You didn't think to do that, did you, you fat selfish bastard. I'm glad your house was able to keep the electricity on, though.

 

Phenomenally stupid thing number two:

"And Jesus brought the lights back on! Praise Jesus!"

 

I'm sure Jesus would have brought the lights back on even if there weren't crews working around the clock with backup crews from as far away as Michigan to clear all of the trees and fix the power lines. I'm sure if everyone had just stood around and waited, that Jesus would have brought the power back on. Absolutely sure of it. And if Jesus brought the power back, why did he wait so long for some people? Why didn't he magically clear all of the downed trees and fix the power lines on Sunday morning, huh?

 

I wish I was making this stuff up. And I can't figure out why anyone still goes to this church.

[ConureDelSol]

Ugh...there's a church I pass by on Tuesdays that has a sign out front reading:

 

"You have a new friend request from Jesus. Accept or ignore?"

 

If I had the time and food in my stomach, I would have stopped and barfed on the sign.

[LivingLife]

Ugh...there's a church I pass by on Tuesdays that has a sign out front reading:

 

"You have a new friend request from Jesus.  Accept or ignore?"

 

If I had the time and food in my stomach, I would have stopped and barfed on the sign.

Missed opportunitty. Stop an pose with hand or finger on Ignore and other had thumbs up, post to facebook and here

[Droptail]

Ugh...there's a church I pass by on Tuesdays that has a sign out front reading:

 

"You have a new friend request from Jesus. Accept or ignore?"

 

If I had the time and food in my stomach, I would have stopped and barfed on the sign.

Missed opportunitty. Stop an pose with hand or finger on Ignore and other had thumbs up, post to facebook and here

 

 

[Eugene39]

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

[midniterider]

This is from real life as opposed to Facebook, but I think the overall principle is the same.

 

This last weekend we had a major snowstorm in New Jersey. Hundreds of thousands of people lost power starting Saturday night, and some still haven't gotten it back, despite crews working around the clock and backup crews coming to New Jersey from as far away as Michigan.

 

My father in-law pastor said two phenomenally stupid things this morning from the pulpit:

 

Phenomenally stupid thing number one:

"How many of you lost power this week from the snowstorm? A lot of you. Well, Brother Dan anointed his whole house with oil before the storm, and he didn't lose power! Praise God!"

 

Hey, Brother Dan, since you and God are such buddies, why didn't you just pray that we didn't get a foot and a half of snow instead, that way everyone in the state could keep their electricity on? You didn't think to do that, did you, you fat selfish bastard. I'm glad your house was able to keep the electricity on, though.

 

Phenomenally stupid thing number two:

"And Jesus brought the lights back on! Praise Jesus!"

 

I'm sure Jesus would have brought the lights back on even if there weren't crews working around the clock with backup crews from as far away as Michigan to clear all of the trees and fix the power lines. I'm sure if everyone had just stood around and waited, that Jesus would have brought the power back on. Absolutely sure of it. And if Jesus brought the power back, why did he wait so long for some people? Why didn't he magically clear all of the downed trees and fix the power lines on Sunday morning, huh?

 

I wish I was making this stuff up. And I can't figure out why anyone still goes to this church.

 

Never mind that Brother Dan certainly was on another circuit than the poor people who lost power. Then again that's only an electrical theory..haha. Now if Brother Dan had annointed his house but lost power anyway then it would have been because Brother Dan is NOT a true xian or had not prayed enough or God was trying to beak Dan's internet porn habit. Praise Jebus!

[Deva]

Even if I were still a Christian, some of the things I see on a daily basis would make me cringe. As an ex-christian, they seem even more stupid and senseless. Of course not only on Facebook - where a member of my family regularly quotes Joyce Meyers - I see bumper stickers like the one yesterday "Ask me where I found Jesus". It makes me just want to smash my head against the dashboard or something.

 

These things trivialize God and put the infinite in a tidy neat box. God is minimized and reduced to being your best friend who does stuff for YOU. If things are going well, then God did it, and if things are not going so well, you don't have enough faith. Then its your fault. No recognition or idea that God also creates evil and is ultimately responsible for everything.

[stryper]

I finally started unfriending family members just because of this. My newsfeed is alot more empty now. but I can see the stuff I care about.

[notazombie]

Ugh...there's a church I pass by on Tuesdays that has a sign out front reading:

 

"You have a new friend request from Jesus. Accept or ignore?"

 

If I had the time and food in my stomach, I would have stopped and barfed on the sign.

Missed opportunitty. Stop an pose with hand or finger on Ignore and other had thumbs up, post to facebook and here

 

 

 

 

Fantastic!!

[midniterider]

Even if I were still a Christian, some of the things I see on a daily basis would make me cringe. As an ex-christian, they seem even more stupid and senseless. Of course not only on Facebook - where a member of my family regularly quotes Joyce Meyers - I see bumper stickers like the one yesterday "Ask me where I found Jesus". It makes me just want to smash my head against the dashboard or something.

 

These things trivialize God and put the infinite in a tidy neat box. God is minimized and reduced to being your best friend who does stuff for YOU. If things are going well, then God did it, and if things are not going so well, you don't have enough faith. Then its your fault. No recognition or idea that God also creates evil and is ultimately responsible for everything.

 

A bunch of facebook people I know recently attended some retreat to whip up their fire for Jebus so now one of them is posting a Joyce Meyer quote every couple days... I'd like to post a link to Joyce's tax evasion scandal on facebook.

[blackpudd1n]

 

A bunch of facebook people I know recently attended some retreat to whip up their fire for Jebus so now one of them is posting a Joyce Meyer quote every couple days... I'd like to post a link to Joyce's tax evasion scandal on facebook.

 

I dare you to

[LivingFree]

There's a guy I used to know who only updates his status with religious nonsense. He's a young preacher, and I find his updates hilarious. His page is public. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001190434072#!/profile.php?id=100001190434072&sk=wall

 

 

Here's a few samples.

 

BEER KILLS!!!!!!!!!!!! (with attached photo of car accident)

 

I thank God that im not in Hell where I deserve to be!

 

 

facts about evolution.

 

"Approximately 15 billion years ago, life began..."

"No, it was more like 7 billion years ago..."

"Uh, well, the earth probably began about..."

... "The strata may show..."

"Well, we evolutionists don't exactly agree about when, why or how the world began, but...

 

evolution is a fact and you are unscientific if you don't believe it!"

 

it is extremely interesting to me how educated fools have tricked the masses into believing in evolution. Evolution is not:

 

repeatable,

testable; or,

observable.

In other words, it doesn't even qualify as real science. And I'm unscientific for believing what God has clearly told me about creation? Mmmm....You'll never get me to believe a monkey is my uncle, a rat is my cousin, and that lice are my near kinsmen.

 

 

 

 

ARE U GODS SOLDIER OR SATANS SLAVE - that one's ironic because the bible says we are slaves to christ

 

 

 

Videos posted about the "evils" of rock music.

 

 

U THINK IM BEING JUDGEMENTAL I HATE 2 SEE UR FACE AT THE JUDGEMENT SEAT

[cybervato]

There's a guy I used to know who only updates his status with religious nonsense.  He's a young preacher, and I find his updates hilarious.  His page is public.  http://www.facebook....0434072&sk=wall

 

 

Here's a few samples.

 

BEER KILLS!!!!!!!!!!!! (with attached photo of car accident)

 

I thank God that im not in Hell where I deserve to be!

 

 

facts about evolution.

"Approximately 15 billion years ago, life began..."

"No, it was more like 7 billion years ago..."

"Uh, well, the earth probably began about..."

... "The strata may show..."

"Well, we evolutionists don't exactly agree about when, why or how the world began, but...

evolution is a fact and you are unscientific if you don't believe it!"

it is extremely interesting to me how educated fools have tricked the masses into believing in evolution. Evolution is not:

repeatable,

testable; or,

observable.

In other words, it doesn't even qualify as real science. And I'm unscientific for believing what God has clearly told me about creation? Mmmm....You'll never get me to believe a monkey is my uncle, a rat is my cousin, and that lice are my near kinsmen.

 

 

 

 

ARE U GODS SOLDIER OR SATANS SLAVE  - that one's ironic because the bible says we are slaves to christ

 

 

 

Videos posted about the "evils" of rock music.

 

 

U THINK IM BEING JUDGEMENTAL I HATE 2 SEE UR FACE AT THE JUDGEMENT SEAT

And he's a cashier at Chik Fil A. He's definitely successful as he is ever gonna be.

[Deva]

Even if I were still a Christian, some of the things I see on a daily basis would make me cringe. As an ex-christian, they seem even more stupid and senseless. Of course not only on Facebook - where a member of my family regularly quotes Joyce Meyers - I see bumper stickers like the one yesterday "Ask me where I found Jesus". It makes me just want to smash my head against the dashboard or something.

 

These things trivialize God and put the infinite in a tidy neat box. God is minimized and reduced to being your best friend who does stuff for YOU. If things are going well, then God did it, and if things are not going so well, you don't have enough faith. Then its your fault. No recognition or idea that God also creates evil and is ultimately responsible for everything.

 

A bunch of facebook people I know recently attended some retreat to whip up their fire for Jebus so now one of them is posting a Joyce Meyer quote every couple days... I'd like to post a link to Joyce's tax evasion scandal on facebook.

 

 

Please do it.

[rebelcheese]

This past summer/early fall there was some conference that all my Fundie friends watched online and kept gushing about. Automatically all the speakers in that conference were put on pedestals as my Fundie friends tried to out do each other in becoming exact clones of each speaker.

 

Here's an actual screenshot of the type of stuff that would end up on my Facebook feed until the warm fuzzies from the conference died off and they all moved on to something else:

 

[LivingLife]

Ugh...there's a church I pass by on Tuesdays that has a sign out front reading:

 

"You have a new friend request from Jesus.  Accept or ignore?"

 

If I had the time and food in my stomach, I would have stopped and barfed on the sign.

Missed opportunitty.  Stop an pose with hand or finger on Ignore and other had thumbs up, post to facebook and here

 

 

Like

[midniterider]

This past summer/early fall there was some conference that all my Fundie friends watched online and kept gushing about. Automatically all the speakers in that conference were put on pedestals as my Fundie friends tried to out do each other in becoming exact clones of each speaker.

 

Here's an actual screenshot of the type of stuff that would end up on my Facebook feed until the warm fuzzies from the conference died off and they all moved on to something else:

 

 

God can print his own cash..lol

[lilcoppertop]

 

 

 

LOL! LOVE it!!!!

[ChurchSucks]

 

 

 

LOL! LOVE it!!!!

 

Lol that is greatness.

 

Funny thing is, it's only biblical depending on which part of the Bible you're reading.

 

If you're reading 1 Timothy 2:4, "...who wants all men to be saved..."

 

But if you're reading John 12:40, "He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them."

 

So does God give everyone a friend request? Depends on which part of the Bible you're reading. More verses tend to say "no" then "yes", however.